doing it right 1

I been making booboos. so no more lectures... no more asking other men before him... especially dont tell him if i did but just dont do it... dont get him better gifts than he gets me. if he asks about the kinect then it was for vanessa and i wanted someone to get the points... plus i figure he could use them. so far those have been my transgressions as of recent... more to follow

What does it say about me that i keep exuating yoga to sex? i guess i feel free during sex and thats when i have the most concentratiion on me 100%. anyway i fovused on the pain and WATCHED IT like they said and i hbave the choice to either resist it or let it release. i let it released and encouraged myself to move past to get to where i needed to be. soon ii was passing the pain. i get caught up sometimes and though it doesnt take away from the feeling it just doesznt allow me to enjoy the feeling nor make it buil aapon itself. most impoortantly... keep moving. keep digging deep. was i digging? i felt the joy from succeeding... i allowed myself to feel that the next process was to encourage myself. u alreadty know how the pain feels, but wait it gets better. u already now how the pressure feels. u understand the focus needs to be there. dont be a rusher. focus your mind 100 percent. not 85.

beautiful

at first i thought this could be a massage but i dont deserve a massage so i could do her the favor of focusing on where she was touching. pain is not for you to pop a pill. it is meant for your attention to be focused. so i focused on every part she touched. not to be mindful to relaxm bt cuz thats what she said in class.

where your mind goes, your energy follows. help me help you.

focus on my heels, back of ankles: when i feel the pain, it releases joy and elation. my emotions want to feel elation and happiness. releif. i equate to excitement, i want to cry. like i am being played with in a sensual way.

when my feet the soles are pushed down, it feels like more relief of emotions. letting go the feelings, feel the feet. focused. the brain is more engaged with the body. not as much crying but like hugs of relief. whenn she was stepping on my feet, i felt i saw her into me. i saw herprobing me telling me to relax. focus. focus. focus. let it go. and i felt chills because of the power it meant the symbol of the power of her soles on mysoles. stomach - soles - soles - stomach. she is not absorbing. she is relaying to me and teaching me the steps. exhale and let go. i felt humbled.

when i focus on my chest. at first i was breathing real deep... my breaths were labored, exaggerated... in, chest rise, out, chest fall. but she said focus on my chest!! so i focused on my chest and i realized finally that... well i didnt realize, once i stopped thinking to focus on my chest and my midn focused on my chest. my shoulders felt the tension ad sthrted to release. once i saw that my body knew what to do, my mind started helping it. i focused on breathing.

then she said feel your ribcages. i was still chest breathing... only chest, not shoulders or neck or head and it took a while, but finally i was in my ribcage. i as in my mind was my ribcage. my body told my mind that my head is not my ribcage and started relaxing. soon only my ribcage was engaged.i wsas excited. my emotions are so hyped that thats where i start focusing on. she said accept 100% thats only when you can move.

when she was done. i felt i was about to lift up to the sky but she put her hands on my chest and stomach. so i focused on bher hands cuz my body was no longer there. i was in my mind. my mind realized my body was stiff. the world was so calm and still. i felt warmth through my core. and it felt good. i could equate it to sex. like when you are not about to come, but when your mind is focused on your female parts down there and nothing else in the world matters. there is no world. there is no thinking there is just stillness. there isthis peace that is a focused peace. theres one thing when peace is perceived to come to you you but when your mind creates peace and tranquility. i have never experienced that and soon i was experiencing joy from it and i started panicing. cuz i was telling myself not to feel my emotions. they were getting in the way of my mind and body. but as soon as i tried to choke the emotions, i started panicking. i couldnt breath and i wanted to jump up. i went back to focus on the peace and it was still there THANKFULLY! Aand i tried to focus on that because peace is the opposite of panic. i told myself stop thinking and started focusing on her hands once again which brought me back to the calm tranquil stillness that my mind was at. i dont know if i was panicking because i have never been so focused on nothing in my life! i would equate it to feeling horny... like your mind is focused on your body when you are getting aroused. you cant ignore your body and so you start to foucs on that.

i dont know if that is a good explanation but thats what i experienced.

use or lose

Move move move.

Gotta get up. gottttaa get GOING... Much better than ups and downs of caffeine. no down. regular tiredness... lots of yawning but mind, not body, wants to actively engage in things. to be productive. at night, no problems sleeping. tired but still ok to do chores that ought to be done.

Use or lose.

they say make lemonade when life gives you lemons.
what happens when you hate lemonade, lemon tart, lemon pie, lemon meringue , lemon candy, lemon jello, lemon juice?

What happens when all the advice you get is so past where you are you feel pathetic for rejecting the good advice your friends are trying to tell you? why?

im not there yet. it will be a very long time for me to get to the fact that i am going to miss my mom, my sister's family, my dad, my grandma, my relationship with mmy grandpa, and the stability that comes with a solid structure of a family regardless of how dysfunctional it is.

God I pray you shake me out of this i am stuck in. this is not me nor do I want to spend another second like this. it is sickeningly comfortable and yet itchy like a snake ready to shed. I have overgrown it and am ready to get to life as the blank slate it is. all I have is my past and the thoughts of the present and my dreams of the future. Please guide me in the right direction. I dont know it all. I dont want to make things worse because life is already tumultuous. One more rock and the boat will flip. Tomorrow whend I wake, dear Lord, guide me in the right path to take care of me. Please allow me to open my heart to let in more people that are willing and able to take care of me like I take care of my friends. I need a mentor, a mother, a grandmother and cannot imagine life without someone there to be proud of my endeavors and achievements like they were. God I thank you for my grandfather. I love him and am blessed to have him in my life. Amen.

it is within the depths of my soul i carry...
...insurmountable sadness that cannot be overcome...
...sorrow with no depth that can be measured...
...guilt and shame which can never be washed away...
...anger and rage too afraid to express for fear of total loss of control...
...hopelessness that while fleeting has ability to capsize the whole psyche...
...a sense of defeat with no energy to rebuild the life and mentality I once had.

Life will never be the same.
I will never be the same.

I will be better.

Out of ashes rises the phoenix.

Out of pressure comes the diamond.

Most importantly out of my tattered and broken self arises a new born spirit with the knowledge, wisdom, hard-learned lessons that will guide me for the rest of my life.

just sitting here

Im in carolina ale house drinkin blue moon Chatting with the waitress brittnay from time to time. today is cynthias birthday. life is good and it gets better every moment. today i woke up hung over and dehydrated. i fed winnie in the bedroom while i looked out the window. no drugs in my system a smile crept across my face. i didnt know where it came from nor did i want to know. i was just happy that despite i was feeling the hangover and all tired and poopy with a lot of things ahead of me for the day and unnessecary drama in the near future, i knew everything would be alright. the meds were out of my system at that point so i knew it came from my soul. god always blesseed me with the optimism of renewed life and second chances everyday. rejoice and revel in the simplistic happiness and joy that come spontaneously and at a fleeting moment. they are the reminders for when the road is rough. a gem to pull out of your memory to carry you through The rough times and on to the next moment whether good or bad.

random

im at my sisters house yet a gain doing something that is healing yet distracting again. i love her and would do anything for her. i dont know what i would do without her in my life. it goes the same for my brother. my pup is looking at me. probably hungry as fcug. me too. but she gotta wait till 2 just like me. probably bored too. thank god she is used to me ignoring her all day. dont want her to be a spoiled dog that thinks she's a human.

adderal

ADD is a symptom of brilliance.

maybe there is something wrong with me. maybe i am weird. maybe im not like everyone else, but who is? maybe what makes me differnt is what makes me thee same.

i dont want to be there but i dont have the answers so what do i di besides follow others guidance? i dont have the answers right now. well i was told Jesus but thats not enough guidance. love. All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is LLOOOOVVVE. love is just a game.

im in a daze and i dont know what to do. i feel like there is something wrong and i am walking through a fog. mentally i cant comprehend life without her and its so deep within my being that i am thinking i am getting through it only to be shown that the road of recovery was actually a dead end. a dead end with bushes with thorns, concertina wire triple strand, a brick wall behind that and concrete barriers too.

the dream

one day i wished there would be a time where me and my mother could be loving and hug each other without feeling weird about it. i wish she would have let me go take her to get her hair done and get her some new shoes. i wish she would have found time for me to take her to a restaurant and chill and chat about stuff. i wanted her barriers down without her trying to force me out of her life. why wont you let me love you? i wish she would have just let me in.

on my way home

Where do we go from here? how do we carry on? i still cant get beyond the question....

First plane home i got to get on it.

i get it now

Sometimes u have to go crazy to figure out how to stay sane. sometimes you have to get drunk in order to figure out how to Stay sober. sometimes someone has to die in order for life to be appreciated. sometimes sleep needs to forgoed in order to appreciate the value of dreams. Sometimes reveling in birth makes one cherish old age. being rich doesnt take away my fears of becoming broke.

Dreams

i had a dream that my dad was chasing me

i had a dream about two skunks

i had a dream about a flood. it was coming to get us along with the mob of people

i had a dream that my close friend and her husband died and i was in charge of her children

i had a dream about me buying a bike

i had a dream that i was running (woke up very tired from that one)

i had a dream that i was conversating with a close friend. cant remember if i actually talked to her or not

i dreamt that my mom was still alive

i dreamt that my brother was bac at the age of four

i dreamt that my sister was following me

i dreamt that i had a new dad.

i dreamt that my dad ws chasing me yet again

i had a dream within my dream that my dad was at the apartment that he didnt want where my mom used to live which was also where my grandma lived. he didnt want to live there so i was taking refuge. i was sleep and dreamt that he said something. well, upon me waking up, he was standing over me talking and the only thing i could do was get the hell out of that place. get away! get away from me! dont you understand? I dont want you near me!

a poem

It may seem as if I am carefree and strong,
Going through life as if nothing is wrong.
But no one has ever seen the real me,
They only know what I let them believe.
Most often my smiles are real and sincere,
Other times they help to hide my secret fears.
I carefully created a clever mask of illusion,
I wear it now to hide my pain and confusion.
So never is a tear seen falling from my eye,
I have learned to hold it all silently inside.
Quite often I want to just let go and weep,
But the pain is very intense and too deep.
I yearn to belong, to be one of the crowds.
To be able to speak of my dreams out loud.
Wanting so very much to be accepted,
Yet fearing the possibility of being rejected.
I need special someone to discern the real me,
And not hold in contempt what they will see.
The weaknesses and flaws I try so hard to hide,
Are all part of the real me I keep hidden inside.

I'm asking for a lot. I am. I lost some very important people in my life recently. Granted, some of those relationships were tumultuous at times, but they were the fibers that were intertwined with my DNA. I would NOT be here but for them. I love my life, my lineage and what I was created to stand for. I don't pretend to know what my purpose is. I just know that I don't know right now.

I lost a lot in a little and I feel like noone but me is supposed to be filling in but I never knew what the answers were in the first place so how should I know. I went to others for wisdom,because I didn't think I possessed it. I guess I did and I do because when something ceases to exist, their energy is not gone forever. It is transfered. I dont want my mom to be dead. it hurts to face that reality. it is just so unbelievable that it hurts. i dont want to face it. i am facing it. it is true. nothing can bring her back. so sudden.

run run run. running running ran. away from facing it. ran into a physical brick wall. can't mentally run anymore so I decided to physically run. Run run running every day. Im about to run into a mental brick wall now because of the physical running. need to vent let it out. i am sad a lot of things have happened including my mothers death. i am not happy that i have to figure out how life is going to be without her. many times i just want to call her and talk. especially now that i have a new job that is very challlenging. what do i do when i want to talk to her? I talk to layla... no cant talk. she only re-spits out what i have told her the days before. not talking to hear anything. just talk to let things out. think them through. i want my mother back. i want my dad to be okay. i dont want my brother mad at me. i want us all to be functioning and rely on each other in a positive way. i want life to be fine. i want a man i want to live somewhere happily. i need to find out what i can do to find the happiness. i am happy now, but dont perceive myself to be happy when i am working towards being happy. some things are just necessary things that have t obe done in order to gt the goals and i need t learn to be happy in those times.

my office mate is on the phone talking talking talking and it bothers me. i just need an unclass to vent somethimes and its difficult to do... i will have to go from one computer to another all day if that what it takes...

chuck

round and round. i was writing. found quotes that matched. Found chuck Palahnuik... loved his quotes. felt he was in my brain. found out he wrote Fight Club. Was just talking about him with my sister... wow.

Change Gon' come

it was easy for me to use and apply the words my grandparents gave me versus my parent and aunt and uncle. we are removed one generation. it is possible that they were too strict, not lovable, or whatever, but throughout the years, the message could not be received. I was blessed with the ability of God to keep going. I think I am young. ans so are my aunt and uncle. they are young and it isnt too late to change. I will not think its too late to change as long as God has me. Now everyone is different and the change can be as radical or subtle as God wants it and it isnt my choice to judge everyone's journey of life. Move along. Nothing to see here!

Help me Please!

Romans 13:8-10 (New International Version)
Love, for the Day is Near
8Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet,"[a] and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 10Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Romans 12:17-19 (New International Version)

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[a]says the Lord.



Romans 12:21 (New Living Translation)
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.



Deuteronomy 32:35 (New Living Translation)

35 I will take revenge; I will pay them back.
In due time their feet will slip.
Their day of disaster will arrive,
and their destiny will overtake them.’



Mother's death
Numbers 11:14-15 (New International Version)
14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin."

Signs signs signs. I have relinquished power to God. And He hasn't failed to provide me with my needs and necessities. Impeccable timing.

My uncle once had a discussion with me a couple of weeks ago. We were speaking about faith. I told him that i have faith and he says we all do. But do you have enough to move a mountain? All you need is faith like a mustard seed. Well, I said I do because I believe it but I directly wouldn't test God by asking him to move mountains, I know he can do it. Uncle Jeff told me I would never have to move one with my faith... I wasn't content with that response. My faith should allow me unlimited access to move stars, mountains, whatever as long as I believe in it and it's what God wants, right?! So if God wants to move a mountain, who is my Uncle to tell me it will never happen? I understood what he was coming from, though. But he cant tell me what God can do in my life. Bottom line.

So last night, I had decided to wake up early on Friday to get to work extra early because I had to drop off my vehicle to get the oil changed later in the morning. The problem is I haven't been waking up until 6:45 -7:45 (late nights, and lots of tossing and turning keeps me in bed). But I set my alarm for 5:11 and I asked God last night (lol watch what you ask for) to give me a real good reason to get out of bed. I wasn't going to worry about how notorious I am about that primal urge in me to hit the snooze button! I am addicted to it, so I have a lot of fear of falling into my habit. But I told myself, why worry if you asked God to take care of it. So, lo and behold, I was woken up at 5:05 this morning to an earthquake. That definitely got my brain up. God answers your prayers. Even the little ones.

LOCO

I don't know. Eveyrone's going bonkers.

My aunt is kicking my cousin out the house. shes staying with me. my grandpa was in the hospital for a couple of days. high blood pressure. my dad didnt sign papers to donate my mom's body to science. Selfish. selfish, selfish. Bonkers bananas, loopy. strong. tea bags and stained glass windows.

trust your gut

Like i said, its my turn. got my answer... now i sense a quietness... its cool. its just me jumping to conclusions i do all too well. i need to have patience. put the phone away and go to the next stage. That guy i had talked to didnt even call me back. he told me to call him. Jermaine. But i didnt think that was appropriate if i was telling him that i liked him. I dont like him and based off the first impressions, i would not like to know him better. He was very pushy, guarded, suspicious. I am a stranger. My bank for trustworthiness should be zero at the least... not at -50. Thats where I felt it was because of his interrogation... give me YOUR number. Well I did. He said he wanted to call me. So then as I drove off, he said to me: Call me! Wha? miscommunication like a mother, but I feel that if he really is a good person, then he would call me. that's funny to read. The gist is im not interested.


Anyway my day will be great despite it all. DOnt know why I have such a hang up over him... God help me shake this shit.

men, can't live with 'em, can't figure them out.

i dont know. i think i just cant blame someone else for my actions, which is partially what i did. I mean i warned expressedly. the intentions of warning him were because I really thought this time it would be different. the thing is i wasn't the different factor either. I cant expect ppl to be different if I keep testing everyone with the same test. The blessing in this is the lesson I am learning is that we are all predictable. We all have the same human urges. And despite it all, i am putting people through tests that can never be won. unintentionally I am asking to specific of a question. that question may not even be fair to ask. I gotta look at it like how i want someone to treat me with a mix of respect for all races with a blend of how they want to.

i hatebeing all over hte place. i feel better that im talking to him. thats that.

U got issues

Come as you are. Time to write.

I just eamiled Dboy. No response. Why am I worried? Dunno. no good reason. Just dont like to be ignored. Here's the deal. Not everyone responds to all my texts. But I specifically said by name?! So? You are avoiding ppl. Guess what? Thats how the world turns. U know now how it feels not only cuz its something ur ding but there are fewer people that you can feel hurt by an ignored phone call. The thing is, A is a lot closer to you. You are very vulnerable towards her. And when she doesnt call you back, you aren't butt-hurt. You learned how not to put weight behind that for her specifically. Always there is a reasonable reason. Not wanting to talk to me hurts but that is my choice if I want to use that. Its not personal. People have super busy lives. And maybee not so busy. But its not my job to fill in the void with self-deprecating, malicious, self-defeating thoughts. That isnt my job. Just be who you are in the mean time. You know?! You know how it feels to shun ppl, and you know how it feels to be in your bubble. You know how it is. just be in the bubble. I want to know if someone can make it? Can they? Can they change? successfully? Can they. i can. Can we change what we've been through? can e adapt?

Hurt people hurt people

Love you forever.

Do people really mean that? Forever? Can we ever really fall out of love. I am visiting the graveyard of love otherwise known as my hotmail account. I have collected throbbing, innocent dripping still-warm hearts of the many men I have unwittingly infatuated. They had no idea... i just ripped their hearts out... on some occasions slowly, sometimes even relishing in the joy of watching it beat in my very own hands. It was calculated, manipulatory skills are very well respected! Wow, I must have been hurt! I must have really wanted to hurt. My game was the truth. I wasn't the victim besides the fact that I thought i was the victim. Wow. I am having some hindsight and I am happy I acted my conflicted love affairs on men. God, If i were a boy, I think a lot of women would be dead right now.

I have a bad memory. Don't really know why either. I think we all do. I wrote David back. I did because I reread the emails we sent each other. And as I picked through the carnage that were my intimate thoughts and desires, I realized I really liked him. I am not a liar and I pride myself in that fact so when I reread my words I know who to trust. And just the pure unadulterated honesty that I wrote to him, very candidly put myself out there... it's no wonder he still emails me every once in a while.

Hurt people hurt people

peace be still

its time to write.

I went to a meeting yesterday. Was a little confused if i was at the right place, but seriously as i sat down, i immediatly felt a part of the circle. Didn't share anything. Didn't judge besides seeing that many people look alike. Eyes, nose, mouth, two legs, to arms. Teeth and tongue.

I am struggling, I am grasping at anything that looks like a life preserver. I am extremely aware of the fact that life as I thought I knew it and as I preached and sold it is no longer real? Has my reality been shattered? I am terrified to think that my life will not be how i want it to be... am I really stuck in the same mal-adaptive ruts and routines? It was comforting to be around people that share your pain. The people feel what you feel and aren't afraid to admit that. But is there more to the circle? I feel bit of encouragement from them because they are successful, normal looking people. So what? I thought I already came to the conclusion that nobody is normal and that anybody can be successful by other's standards. I thought I already scratched monetary successfulness off my list of accomplishments. Why am I retreating back to that? Disguised as wanting to belong, the manipulative mind works wonders again.

I want to be emotionally healthy. thats what i want. thats what scares me to see the people and feel that nothing will change. I may be vulnerable at this point. I need good news. I need to see that someone made it? Back to that again, huh? Well guess what. Hard work and diligence and you will make it. Not only that but u will be the first, girl. You are an amazing unshakable force with God behind you. You have no idea of what wonders, challenges and trials are in store, but know that you can overcome ANYTHING with God because you have all the tools in you. Cultivate them. Listen to yourself. Stop resisting yourself. The answers are in the laundry. The answers are in the chores. Your secrets and your future is in your tasks. They will be revealed when you love yourself enough to take care of the mundane things. Those small things are the rituals that you are lacking in your life. Stop engaging in mindless time-wasting with the TV. You got your money's worth, watching every second of it is not going to make the bill go down. Love what you have and find the joy in what you've done before. Relive it. Take pride in your possessions. Take pride in your den. Your home is your sanctuary. The only way for your sanctuary in your mind to be free of clutter is if you free your physical sanctuary of clutter. Work on keeping everything constantly clutter-free. You CAN do it. Don't speed. You are not running from anything. You have nothing to fear or hide. Be content in the moment. Because this moment could be gone in a heartbeat. Stay still. Be. Love. Love out. Love in. Love. Get over yourself.

UH OH

its been tough and rough the last few weeks.

-im grasping

IM GETTING A DOG

my dad is an emotional vampire. one of my best friends is scared to even stand up to her therapist. I got a guy thats emotionally unavailable but single. then the other... who knows... he wants you to be there for him and u to confide in him but is not single. I am single. unavailable emotionally but not by choice. Lonely in my house. i need a dog. i know i keep saying i need this and i need that. well im getting a fucking dog. fuck it. I need some unconditional love.

Ronery... im so ronery!

I am lonely. Reacing out... its so close. right there in my inbox. all i gotta do is click and my journey begins... to more lonliness or self-fulfillness, i dont know. I resist though. I have to.

What would push me over the edge to go? I dont know.
It hurts me to know that I am attracted to certain people because i know its the fruitation of my parents. I am rejecting the people I want to be with because i am beng logical at the same time. I am split brained. I am scared that now that my mom is gone, the relationship between me and my dad will turn into something worse. I dont want to be there for him becuase of the passing of my mom. it is bothering me a lot because i dont want that emotional burden. I am there for him when he is having a bad day. he complains to me cuz my mom doesnt want to hear it. I dont whant to fill in. i dont want it i wont take it. I am his daughter. not his mother, not his friend. I think that his conversations with me are inappropriate. he uses me as his confidant. there are so many things about him that i know because he tells on his self. more in a confessional way than any other way. i dont want it. i still want a relationship with him but i cannot continue to have one at the rate we are going. i am scared because i may lose him but i have to know that this will make me stronger and if I can learn how to demand a healthy relationship with him than i can learn to speak up for myself when i am in a relationship with any other man. i am healing my heart of the wrongdoing he has unintentionally or intentionally done to me. i want to be heallthy. i can do nothing but believe i can get over this becuase if i dont than i will fail by giving up on myself too soon. i know i will be better. i can only do me. i cannot want people to come with me because i am an individual and unique and what i go though may be by myself. i am not alone, though. i have God. I used to not feel lonely. i was in denial. i surpressed the lonliness. i will not do that now. i am lonely and i confess. but i know I will get to the point where I will be healthy enough to be with somebody. I am scared to put myself on the line for someone, but the first thing to do is not chase someone who is unavailable. Unavailable men in my life are Luis, Meme, Rio. They are unavailable and I need to keep that in mind when i interact with them. keep the convo at a friend level. keep the boundaries.

Meme asked if i wanted to meet with him. i told my therapist that i wouldnt burden him with this information because i dont think its responsible for me to have some kind of emotional relationship with him if he is married. although i dont know what he can or cannot deal with. it is wrong of me to assume, like angela said. i am protecting ppl like i would protect myself and its not fair. of course i would love to see him again. its unfortunate that its in this capacity. maybe he is divorced like in my dream. I had that dream that me and dario were contentedly chillin and in the midst of it, meme texted me that he was divorced and whats up with me. Ang asked if i was happy with dario would i stop to be with meme, but i told her no cuz i dont even want anything with dario. i dont want anything with anyone but i do. what is it going to take? Do i have to be single untl this is all figured out? or do i have the opportunity to find someone that is understanding of my situation and has patience iwth me and love and understanding? Thats the question.

I remember what i told him. In the chow hall. i told him that (hes the first person i ever cried in front of) i never say i love you to my mom. i asked her if it bothered her and she said no because she knows i love her. well thats all i wanted her to say to me. just say it. and she did. i asked him if thats healthy. if i am weird or a bad person because of it. he told me no but i needed to try to make the relationship what i wanted because i am an adult. i can dictate. so i had to do some searching on my part. what was realistic of me to ask of her.

Faith

stop and let the universe take care of you. it can keep track of time much better than you... when i let go, and let God, things seem to happen all on their own. relinquish control it is a freeing experience to let the world be because when you need it most, God will take care of your every need. let go. give it to God. God, i appreciate you taking absolute care of me in this situation. I am freed because I have put my faith in you.

IM PISSED OFF

im pissed off becuase im not even getting the opportunity to grieve like i should. he is not giving me any space like i requested.

i called him on his birthday to tell him that i needed time to get through this. the time is indefinite because i dont know how long it is going to take for me to get through the grief of my mother passing. he explains that NOW we need family when the whole time ive been telling him while we were there thats what he needed, and now that i am gone, he's gonna be on the phone with me and grandma. well i told him my therapist told me to tell him what i thought. i told him that i need space and im tired of having the responsibilities of him and he said what responsibilities. i told him the responsibility of taking him to the church. "Well noone asked you to. You didnt have to babysit me." Wow. "I chased you out the house and rushed you with the shirt off your back and the glasses upon your head and you are saying you didnt need it? Wow, that's ungrateful. Your welcome!" chuckle chuckle. Thanks! Your welcome. "Are you still mad at the hospital stuff?" "No! I am not. i am angry at the fact that you didnt even want to do the funeral. that was your responsibility. Yours, not ours, as a husband it was your wife. Well i was in denial. And i wanted to be alone. I was just at a place where i didnt want to be bothered. Well guess its my turn now! I am going to be selfish. Well dont stay away for too long. dont stay away forever. dont be a senior citizen. A senior citizen is someone who is secluded selfish and shut out from everyone else.

I told him ii would call him. just give me time to get over my own mess.

So he calls me today telling me that i need to remember that i was the one that said that family needs each other and talks about things. he manipulates what i said to say that i say family needs to talk things out. he said oi wasz thingking about it and you saind the psychologist said that you need to stop talking to me. well the psychologist makes money and they say these things to get paid. (i didnt have the heart to tell him that it was free). So the psychologist doesnt know the whole story. she doenst know the reasoning and feelings behind things. So how can she tell you that you need to stop talking to your family? I told him the psychologist never told me to stop talking to him. i told him she told me to share my feelings with him .She told me that i should let him know how i feel and I think that you wont be able to support me emotionally the way i need it so i feel like i need to get through this without him. so he said i can be there emotionally (im trying so hard not to see him ads a bad guy, but then thats also me feeling like he did a doozy on me. what a number that i keep thinking he's a victim of this and that.) So then he tell s me about how he misses her and GRANDMA TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD CALL HER WHENEVER HE WANTED TO TALK! and so then he tells me about how he was crying this morning and remembers how he was thinking aobut blowing his brains out to be with my mom but he would be in hell instead and how he was jumping n the car to drie crazy with the alcohol in his body but hten he realized that he had a family, daughters, a grandchild and all of that. it was the family that he needed to stay around for and he is taking this pretty hard. pretty much just making me feel like shit about not being able to call him. i dont care. i feel helpless in this situation and i feel like shit for letting him make me feel like shit. i have to break out of it. and its hard becuase everyone believes you are born into the role you want. well i dont want to be doomed to the fate of life that was made before me. my future is up to me. i am fighting for my life. i changed his number in my phone to "Don't answer" an called him to tell him if he needs to get a hold of me to call lyvia, justice, uncle jeff... can get a hold of me. He laughed and said "so i cant get a hold of you lol?" and i said "basically" ok. no problem.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

oh my gawd i feel like screaming aththe top of my lungs!!!!

WRITE

writhe write whrite. write it out.
dunno what this one is gonna be abut today. just know i gotta write. Writhe. writhing in pain.. squirming, moving antsy, anxious. curious terrified. nervous, venemously sticky. ickky. rickety, unstable. disgustingly ill. but why, who says you have to? Don twnat you to do that. not good.

A fool learns from his own mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

This isn't the hardest thing...

This isn't the hardest thing. But I can see why so many relationships crumble in crisis. I can tell you it is extremely difficult to be in relationships, friendships, and commitments with other people all the while dealing with a grave grave crisis. When you are in the storm, it is such a physically heavy reality to experience the fragility of the thread that connects you to another person. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. If you've surrounded yourself with people that are like you, blessings if you are all healthy!

If that's not the case, I do say unfortunately, along with your task of carrying yourself, and all the depression that comes with it, you may feel it necessary to stay in the world and it be your duty to go above and beyond to ensure the thread between you all aren't severed. Some people are in preservation mode and whatever the reason, do not handle your crisis appropriately. I pray you don't judge, but keep an open heart and mind and know everyone has different capacities to carry things. By choice, I firmly believe one way or another, they may just not be able to handle this.

And although it may feel very unfair that you have to carry this burden of all the weight of the world, your family, your mother's death and your future grief and subsequent healing, along with the frustration that all your friends lives are still going on and on and on, its a blessing the world doesn't stop and mope with you. Not that you would wish this on anyone, but you wish someone would understand what you are going through and baby the shit out of you, but then when you get it, you are ungreatful and wish you would stop being treated so sensitively becuause you are and yet you are not. Why does it all seem so confusing? Because I am. This world is filled with people so different that all the facets of our personality can be nurtured and explored with different people. Just know who to go to when you need something specific.

But I am going to have to see the good in this to know that i can jump out of the funk once in a while, and immerse myself in my friends lives because I need it and they need it. And they are hurt in other ways by this. This scares people that they rely on you but knowing they cant at this point. Your survival is all they got at some point too because they need you to make it for more reasons than the self-perceived selfish ones you have conjured up in your convoluted head whether they be true or not. You can't think straight. Who can blame you. So I would like to know how the wedding planning is going. Please keep me updated on your cat's asthma. How is your suicidal sister-in-law doing? You mean you haven't found that missing cell phone just yet? So Harry Potter is one of the best book of all times? Oh, so you miss your kids while they're on vacation? No, i don't think I will be able to proof-read your daughter's medical school admissions paper. It's really endearing and heartbreaking at the same time to know you want to keep me posted to take my mind off of things, if just for a bit. A reprieve, if you will. I am ever so grateful and promise not to curse you in my head, because I need it more than ever.

Just know some people will burst out crying at the sight of you. It will happen. It has happened, and it is a weird experience. It is sad, and you think you don't even need that right now. You need someone to lean on, but guess what, this isn't the hardest thing. You will get through it.

Dead at 53

My grandmother died December 7, 2009.
My mother had a massive blood bleed in her brain, exactly 6 months later June 7, 2010.
My mother died on my 28th birthday June 25th, 2010.

Death comes knocking once... again....

Death is back. It's back along the edges of my eyes... It has found the familiar crevices in my eyelids and is ready to settle once again in the valleys that are bags. Does he know it makes me look like my mother?

Death doesn't haunt my dreams. No. I used to think that going to sleep was the fearful place to be, a chance to allow your imagination torture you with nightmares. But the subconscious working with death is a sick, twisted thing. I'm not surprised, since the beginning of Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel, there has been mortality to face. Death has been in business for quite some time. I can understand why he doesn't mess with child's play nightmares. He waits for that moment when your defenses are down. When you've actually had a good night's rest, and pleasant dreams. Just as you wake up and are about to survey the fairyland you once visited moments ago. Death strikes. Not always the same either. Sometimes it's a slow crawl over your entire body, the sinking in of reality. Other times, it's like a flashing neon-lit sign above your head. Those neon sign times is why the snooze button was invented.

Sometimes I wonder if people see it, the mask of death I am faced to wear for the time being. But then I remember just how cunning and professional Death really is. He is truly gifted in knowing how to expend just the right amount of energy to allow someone else to do all the work. Death is a skater, a slacker, letting you do all the worrying by formulating the mask to look familiar to the average person. You see, the mask looks like any other fatigue-related stress carried on faces of almost everyone. It looks just like gravity, old age, free-radicals, lack of exfoliation, maybe a touch of dehydration, loss or lack of sleep, excessive crying, eye strain, too much computer time. The trick is those things take years, or months to accumulate, compared to a sufficient mask that Death can formulate in a day. If you've got people that are used to seeing you or are very observant, they'll signal your mask by asking if you're tired. But they don't realize you're probably getting the best sleep in the world at this point.

This time around, I want to use it as an advantage, a signal to give my eyes rest. I AM tired. The thoughts rummaging around in my head are what my eyes are alluding to. I am looking at everything which seems to be a mess that has to be adapted to. But I am searching searching searching for somewhere to start to pick up the pieces. I don't have a manual that conveniently tells me to start at point A. Imagine someone sent you on a quest to go to a land fill and organize it. Don't worry about time, that's not an issue. Just do what you can, start where you feel comfortable, and make it look presentable, make some organization of it. So you go to the landfill and your eyes scan, scan, scan. Search search search... where do I possibly start? Just as you focus your gaze on a piece of something familiar, you move closer to realize that your gaze has betrayed you and the closer you get, the object is not what you thought it was. No, that old tire was in fact a plastic bag filled with trash. So, back to searching the horizon... It is a maddening cycle but until everything is cleared, your eyes will search and betray what your soul is going through.

All you need is love

Giving is futile when you don't know your source.

For a while, I gave but was frustrated when I wasn't getting the results I was expecting. I need to know the source of my wanting to give and change the product. Why am I giving things when I want affection back? Why am I giving time when I want items back.

I watch with envy at that black lady that takes care of others from this bottomless pit of love and I cannot tap into mine. It is within me, i am on my journey to find its source. I don't know why she is black. Or a lady. She just is.

Is love the answer to everything?

Now, dont get me wrong, I don't want to become the woman that ends up with a house full of people, children pets and neglects herself! No, because I KNOW that is an unbalanced mix. You should not neglect yourself because the subtle message portrayed to others is wrong: Do for others before yourself. They learn the habit of the same thing, which breeds resentment because a lot of other people that are not well-meaning will take advantage.

Then, there's that white man with all the time in the world to focus almost all his attention on the task at hand. The ability to be one hundred percent engaged in his actions presently. He will let tomorrow or the next moment take care of itself and he is not worried one bit nor putting his efforts to be there in his mind. I don't know why he is white. Or a man. He just is.

Every moment we live is a ritual of love. I, we must take care of ourselves and if that means be present during laundry, then do the laundry 100% in love. Acts of love for myself. Those chores I do not like to do, including cleaning my car, stretching, laundry cooking, cleaning the bathroom, driving in traffic, these are acts of love, and gifts of life that I should be so grateful to be able to experience. I need to be humble and grateful because as cliche as it sounds, 'be thankful for what you have' is something you have to do, but cant if you lack in love for yourself.

Without enough love for yourself, you don't believe you deserve the things you have, or have been through. When that happens, even a small compliment you get from people, you are doubting the validity or truth of it because by allowing yourself to believe it means you deserve it and you are worthy. Love yourself.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud; it is not rude; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trust. It always hopes, and always perseveres.

I think too much time is wasted on things that have little or no importance., or just are in place to keep us busy. Not that they have no importance, but not for such amount of energy. Like politics. In my average day, month, year, and for a lot of other people, politics isn't discussed but around time for voting. So manypeople use it and other things such as TV, video games, drug use, obsessions, and "hobbies" to occupy their brains and times. There's such an abundance of "things" that can make us be so preoccupied that we never make time for ourselves to sit down and have a natual reflection of ourselves.

Grandma, I miss you.

Grandma, I got to hug her in my dream. We had a meeting, but mainly it was me grandma grandpa and mommy and mommy wanted her to come back. Because she missed her terribly. So grandma was saying: see, the thing we were going to say is grandma was going to come back because a “man” really needed her and loved her and she really loved him. But she explained, it’s true. A man, not my husband, but Jesus, really does need me and love me, she laughed. And I need him and I love him. So it is a true statement, just not the man you’re thinking. This is why I need to stay in heaven.

How to be a Best Seller

As artists, entrepreneurs, businessmen and businesswomen in the “people” industry, we have to be solid yet transparent enough with our product that our customers see themselves in us. Like if we were to stand in front of a mirror facing our customer that was looking into the mirror. You don’t want to totally block their view of the product with yourself, but you want them to see themselves veiled and packaged in you.

Indifferent: what people feel when there are no emotional receptors for the situation. Not necessarily no opinion all of the time, but usually it translates to: well which side are you on? Left or right? I am indifferent about it. Because I don’t feel strongly or emotionally about the situation.

Black: emotional protection, balance of emotional detatchment

I was going to see pups after church one day but decided to go check out a helt foods store. Well, they had flower essences and a lady working there was able to talk to me about it. I was in the process of reading the book The One-Day Detox Diet and it had those things in the back. Weird place for that, and I had no idea what it was. Considering I just came back from church, I was well aware of people around me and being mindful of negative things and people. I was watching out for it and knew where it was so I avoided it if I could. Sometimes curiosity will make me stay so here’s a situation I ran into that had me feeling very depleted of being around people and thus vulnerable for any other attacks.

The lady at the store looked at my cross, watched me, and kept touching my arm when we talked. But because of her willingness to put out extra information than I asked, I was aware that she was trying to get on my good side, or make friendly with me so I could warm up to her. I am learning to warm up to people without my emotions having to feel their emotions. But as soon as she came up to me, wanting to be extra nice, I was defensive. This is what made me pay attention to her more, without really caring how it went. And with her, I thought about how detached I was. She was talking and what I did was stop, take myself out of the “me and her” conversation and looked around the store mentally. I mentally checked out of the conversation on certain occasions, still listening to what she was saying. She was trying to get something out of me. She was doing this by giving me tons of useful education and insider tips on the flowers. Most people say that maybe she was doing her job, but she was “flirting” with me, per se… I told her about how I knew nothing about the essences and she explained to me some things. The fact is I don’t know any thing about that stuff. I feel that Jesus, my spirituality knows when something is off. I don’t know if those essences are used and in what capacity. I know God created flowers. But I can say the same thing about weed, and other medicines. People abuse things all the time. But at the same time, I drink flowers ALL DAY! So maybe I am abusing flowers, just not the ones that they sell in those bottles.

She checked out my chain: my gold Cross that grandma gave me, and I caught her on the side of my eye. I saw this because her gaze at it was very purposeful. She, like men trying to get a good glance at your chest or ass, waited until I turned my head away from her (which I did on purpose) then when I slowly turned my head back to her, her eyes immediately looked back up into my face. So who cares that you are checking out my necklace? Why be so secretive? She was looking everywhere else on my face and body while I talked to her when we first met. (kind of like what I do when I meet people). Anyway, her necklace was a black stone. Now it was pretty if it was just a normal necklace, but the important glare she made with my necklace made me feel that her necklace meant a lot more to her. It made me wonder: What kind of person would represent themselves with a black stone by their heart? And I am sure most people would say that it’s just a necklace, but we can say the same thing about random people, average people, But this lady is very sensitive to her surroundings, environment, and her affect on people. Here’s what I know about her: She knows she is influential and for her age (about 65, though she acted as if she was 22) and to be dabbling so much into things that are of psychic and empathic nature, she knows what feelings can be gleaned through the black stone. Even if I don’t, I know she does. She is manipulative and doesn’t care who knows because she was telling me that she uses things on her boss. She sprays certain essences in the air for him to feel and smell and to change his attitude. I won’t say she is evil or bad. I did not get that from her. That is the good thing. I did not feel like she was a bad energy, just a strong psychic energy that was penetrating and a little to curious.

So anyway, I explained to her that I didn’t see the difference of alchemy all that bad stuff and flower essence and she gave me (with a naughty look on her face) a book recommendation, which I did not want to read because it didn’t sound good. The thing is I explained to her my disdain for the bad ways and she decides to suggest a book about a girl that… not always did good. That was the first thing she did, try to give advice on what someone doesn’t want to hear. Something that goes against what they said they didn’t like. She was constantly touching me too, throughout the conversation. At the end, I left and went to see the puppies and I was so put off by it that I had to look at them and left. I was so in tune with the negative mother with her indifferent children and husband that I had to go. I went home, and I think I talked to Vanessa after that but I was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. Just tired and not right feeling.

Dear Anthony,

I look back at what we had. I grieve over how it ended and how I acted and not knowing how to change things, paralyzed with going forward and being ashamed that I didn't know if I wanted to. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if we were together.

But more so, the nightmares and dreams throughout the years of rejection and indifference from you are what resonate more clearly, vividly and frequently (clearly not from any way you acted towards me in real life). Those dreams are the key to healing myself. If I am so marred and by my own actions that even my dreams haunt and betray me, I can only imagine what affect it played on you.

I am truly sorry and I believe my sincere apology should have been relayed to you much, much sooner. Unfortunately my comfort for the pattern of not getting too close to people is a defense mechanism I unconsciously was addicted to.

I was distancing myself from the people that cared about me most, partly because I felt I didn't deserve it. The self-perceived nurturing I didn't think my parents, more so my mom, gave me had a huge affect on how I thought others should love me. My mentality was if she didn't show she cared by calling writing or maintaining some kind of correspondence and symbols of love, I somehow believed that it was something I did and in turn, was not lovable. I felt, especially with you, if people get to know the real me, then they would want to leave too.

It is only recently I have been able to admit it in writing, let alone out loud.. I know it is not true and am actively unweaving this and other untruths out of my psyche. Being with you, I was able to love my self more; you forced me to pay attention to my own body and soul.

Some tragic events recently took place that has made me face many things about myself. If I am not honest with others, I am not being honest with myself.

A lot has happened since we were. I know you were and are destined for great things, as I am. I pray for you, it seems sometimes, more than for my family. The prayer I pray is for the mending and healing for you of all the wrong that I did.

Me, in a nutshell.

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism
the overpowering necessity to create, create, create —
so that without the creating of music
or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning,
his very breath is cut off from him.
He must create, must pour out creation.
By some strange, unknown, inward urgency
he is not really alive unless he is creating."

Pearl Buck

shadows

It's been a while since I've noticed that I've seen the shadows. THey are there. I just don't dwell on them nor am I scared nervous or preoccupied when I see them. My grandma, when she died, dissipated and I absorbed her energy...

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
Psalm 27:1

Sadness like the tide on a beach

I am close to crying. I read a book. I knew it was sad after I found out what it was but I am part of a book club. I feel compelled to assimilate.

I did not like the book because the story was sad and the inspiration behind the story was worse. It lingers. it seeps into my cup of sadness I've been holding on to and now my cup runneth over.

It's been a rough week and I am already sad because of all the friends I will miss when I leave my company. I put my two weeks notice in. It was very difficult. i have been wanting to leave for a year but I could not make myself go anywhere else because of all the wonderfully real and flawed people I met and became my family. Two years went by. Now its time to go. Oh, my aching heart, why have you let them in?

God, tomorrow will be hard. Its my very last day working with T and my work husband. Then I have a week by myself and my work mom. Oh will we cry. I will tomorrow. I am right now. I love them. This is hard.

drive for 45 minutes to work with no radio.

Bad things happen. It just does. I have been experiencing great joy as well as sorrow and despair all in a day. God, bless me with the heart and strength to survive it all.

I drove to work today. The sky was slowly awakening, grey and barely illuminated. It was a blanket over the roads, the sky scrapers, the trees, the houses, the freeways and bypasses.

I was instantly transformed to my childhood several realities and ages in one space: where I was that very moment. Nature all around, me in my head, dawn awakening, cloudy morning, moving forward in a vehicle... all of a sudden those constants were the string that held my memories and emotions together all these years. I recall such a joy I had to just be. Be in the moment as a kid looking out the bus window watching everything go by so quickly. Everything before my eyes just whizzed by into a big blur. Wow, how much indescribable joy to be able to watch the powerlines race the train you were riding.

Looking back, i remember going places with the family but actually remember the act of going places. I would look out the window and watch the sun with utter delight race me home in the car. I would press my face against the window trying to feel its warmth as the sun was slowly setting. I would look out for hours, a little sad when trees would separate the two of us. But relieved when there would be a break and the sun was shining full force.

It was so simple then, and I can get it back now. It was so simple and pure and beautiful and loving and natural it makes me want to cry. It was a world I shared with noone. Just me and the sun, my best friend, my love.

When you have problems, SWOT IT!!

SWOT
Strengths
Weaknesses
Opportunities
Threats

Need to be completed... TBC...

Master Contact without contamination

What it means to me.


Contact without contaminiation.
When it comes to people I am fond of, there are times I know the gradual increase in friendship may take a nasty turn for the worse. I must know the boundaries and fortify them so that all parties in the friendship will remain unscathed. How do I interact with that person without anything going bad, because we people are a lot more influential than we care to be. Others are a lot more weak than they realize.... so for affairs of the heart, and because it is very easy for me to be sharing with my feelings and emotions, and not always appropriate. Here is a good guide for me to follow.

1.Do not express emotional connections I have
2. Avoid exciting, intimate, or arousing situations in the company of "attractive" others
3. Acknowledge my infatuation with certain temperments (opposites attract)
4. Dont be intimate with anyone who makes it clear they are available for emotional relationship
5. Do be sure to NOT ignore your impulses. Feel the feelings and try to understand why I feel I need to be in this persons presence. This is a good time for finding out where I need balance.

Celebrate Good Times Come On!!

i have great news! Life is good and things are falling in to place. The now is looking great! I have every right to be happy and celebrate my good fortune!

Too many times when good things have happened to me I was so prepared for a blow that would knock me off the top of the hill, I didnt ever look up to enjoy the view! Enjoy the fruit of my labor. Something I used to believe in is "Uh, oh, something is good, well, in no time, the bad will be right behind" well thats no way to enjoy and be appreciative.

It's just like enjoying compliments. I don't care if bad things will happen, thats how life is. But I don't have to allow the future to affect my current mood. Its like being in a bad mood on a Sunny day because its going to rain tomorrow. Make the most of it while you are living in the moment!!!


Dear God, I am so grateful for the things you have blessed me with. Please forgive me for not having faith in knowing that you have equipped me to handle the harmful things that will come my way. Please continue to help me realize that everything I need I already have. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Wow. So I got some issues ukn the intimacy department. I'm too old to
keep going like this because I realize the right guy that comes along I
may not be ready for because I haven't gotten my ibyimacy and fear
issues worked out. I am dedicated to myself because I am of no help to
others if I cannot see past my own problems. I want to keep in contact
with him as a friend and I really like him but am realistic ont the
fact that I or he may not be ready for each other at the same time. I'm
not ready for a commitment but I want him. Not gonna work so I'm gonna
work on my issues.

Adult Attachment

I went to the counselor and he told me that i should get a pet, a puppy, or work with little children because I have a tendency to place my worth in the love of a relationship.

I wasn't pissed, but very dissatisfied with his response. I don't think getting a puppy would be the end all- be all for this. So i recently came across an article explaining about how to realize you are enmeshed in relationships: So I have been studying the fact that my emotional needs as a child were not met and therefore, I don't have secure attachment when it comes to intimate relationships.

So, I think I actually hit the range of enmeshed attachment and dismissive attachment. I will be researching more on the subject. It's time for healing. I don't need to have a relationship with my mother and father in order to be a loving successful person happily married. I will study hard on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and work my fanny off.

I will point out the flaws I am too well at fallign back on and figuring out what I should/have done before.

Oxytocin

Theres a little girl that has uncoondituonal trust in everyone. She has love for everyone and no reason to fear people. Something is different in her brain when it comes to oxytocin..o

Love 101

I need to learn how to love unconditionally and fearlessly. that Innocent love like children and puppies.

Look in the mirror unashamed.

Don't deny it. Don't deny it. Don't deny it. Be honest and true to yourself. I love. I don't allow myself to love hard. Because I am afraid of how strong the force is. I have absolutely no idea just how strong it is. I don't know how brilliant and bright and shiny it is so I keep it covered. I don't want to attract the reight people. I know that and I have for some time. Thats why I am so steadfast in my selection process of friends. I feel like willow on Buffy. I am something and I dont even know it. I get a little confused in our sessions because he is talking to me a certain way that I do or don't get. I dont get it but at the same time I get it. It's been a long time since someone has confused me so much. especially about myself. But i need to be honest to myself. I have so much love that I dont know what to do with it. My love overflows to the point that I have joy. I feel like my love can be support to others and motivation. I have a desire for people to do good in thier lives. I believe in everybody. I have the conviction that everyone in this world can succeed if they so choose. The more control I show, the more i realize that bad things are more focused. More with purpose. I must be getting to something valuable. I must be getting hotter. I feel like every year every day every hour every second I am growing and my knowledge and wisdom is expounding. It is one thing to be knowledgeable but wisdom comes when you have the restraint to exercise the knowledge. Love is elusive. Love the definition is elusive. I feel like I am a power source and my recharge is alone time. i need that. I want to find other ways to recharge besides going to my sisters house. I am honest with myself. I am emotional. I am an emotional person. I am rational. I am a rational person. I am grounded. I am a grounded person. I am lovable. I am a lovable person. I am sane. I am a sane person. I am royal. I am a royal person. I will not get a tattoo. It is not for me. I am not that. Jesus loves me. I love me. It's okay to be emotional. It is okay to show emotions. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be happy. It is okay that I get sad in the winter. It is even better that I can admit that and know that I can separate my emotions from the weather. I know this winter was very difficult on me. I feel that I was growing a lot. I feel like I need to plan instead of reacting. I didnt have a clue that it was going to be such a bad blizzard except my body reacting. But I now know that if I am ever in the situation, running away is not the answer. Leaving the house during a blizzard isnt the smartest thing to do. I realized that when my body reacted the way it didl I am okay with crying. It is not okay to surpress my feelings. I need to show them to myself. I had a wonderful experience with Al Asad. It was ground-breaking. I appreciate the soul-searching. i know Leish doesn't really believe that she is scared of me. She is playing an act. She is intimidated of me. I am God. I love God. We all have God in us. God is through my fingertips. Down to the souls of my feet. I miss my grandma. That is self-love. To be able to recognize the God in yourself. I have a lot fo thoughts that I need to work out. I need to do this more often. Whenever I feel anxiety, i will writh/type whatever is on my mind. If it means I get to a point that I cry, so be it. I am confused about a lot of thisngs in my life. I am not happy wht the fact that my Grandma died because I feel that I have been waiting when I am ready to get started on some things that my grandmother knew about. I feel lost but I know I am not. She is with me and I have her strenght in my bones and her life in my blood. Her knowledge and wisdom in my head, her gentleness in my handds, her fortitude in my stomach, her patience in my hips, her strength in my shoulders. I was happy as a kid to just get to being older. Dunno i knew that things would be so great at that point but I knew that I am destined to be there and I will be happy. I will be in a great place when I am older. I can't wait until I am older. That is what doesn't scare me about getting older. But I know i have a lot to learn and a lot of trials to go through before I get there. These are necessary because I can't build a chimney without a floor. I am in such a search for truth in myself that I seek that from my friends. I know I push them to be honest with theirselves but its because I need them to call me out and do the same thing. Same thing that Angela does. I want to not be the only one that is doing the right thing. but its okay becasue I am unique. It's such a blessing to know that when I felt I was at my most weakest state that somebody saw me as poised and a calming spirit. I was nurturing myself back into the health that I need to ge tback to. I thought I did bad because I was at such a sensitve state that day. I guess that I was so beat down that day that I really had no more pretenses that got in my way. I really felt that when I was talking to her I was kind of

Words to look up:
royalty
arrogance
confidence
love
humble
poise

Lessons I've learned: Don't apologize.

Heart tells on you

When I am stressed, I think I have some thoughts and emotions I am surpressing. My heart starts jumping. I know that it does it for things that are inconsequential, so I have told myself now that if my heart starts racing, I need to stop what I am doing and start writing my thoughts down.

I successfully did that a few days ago... and I like the progress. I wrote about me, my grandma and some stuff that has been swirling in my head for the past few days. I will post it. I cried when I wrote it. I just let it out even though I was at work. and not ashamed of who would see because I know I am going to be a better, well rounded, grounded person because I can show my emotions. On the road to recovery.

Highly Sensitive Person

It is about me. I need to address head-on the pure fact that I am highly sensitive. i had a strong aversion to the word SENSITIVE... OMG! Who wants to be labeled as that? I cried at times in school when I was overwhelmed, yeah, so? I always was a lovey-dovey kid growing up. I was trusting and what not. I didn't like loud noises, and could never go to sleep as a kid (maybe because my parents stayed up so late and the noise bother me... maybe living in NYC on the avenue where its constantly loud). Now a days I need time to myself where I am alone and detached so I can calm down and get my thoughts together. I sleep a lot because I am tired a lot (my guess is because my brain is working overtime and it is tired).

So for a long time, I have tried to change that about myself because all I could see are the negative aspects... I have effectively learned how to cut off my emotions from things, which is denying myself of my emotions and not even addressing the sensitivity. That, I assume, is what creates my anxiety.

Let me define HSP: a person born with a nervous system genetically designed to process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly.

For example: I smell gas leaks... I am the queen at picking out the ripest fruit because of my uncanny smell-ability... I can pick out oh, so, subtle differences in things visually... I get overwhelmed with too many things going on at once... I have intuition-type thoughts about people I know... I love hard but am afraid of intimacy... I pick up on peoples moods...

Well, I have been seeing a counselor and I feel that after my grandma died in December that I:

-cant go on living like "this" (i will get to this)
-deserve to be in a loving relationship
-am preventing myself from being happy if I so choose to be.

Now, when I say I can't go on living like "this" I didnt realize this until yesterday what i have been battling. Two traits about myself are separate, but at times they are at conflict with each other. I am highly sensitive, meaning my senses are very fine tuned, which makes me very tired from processing so much data I am absorbing from my environment. I also am a High Sensation Seeker (HSS). I get bored easily, I love taking risks, I love trying new things. But thats were the problem is... I was supposed to hang out at 2 different places Friday after work, but after the first place, I was so tired and wired up on the fact that I was being stared at all evening by two coworkers, I was mentally exhausted. I drove to the second venue and couldn't even get myself out of the car. I drove away towards home and realized how much of an idiotic reason for driving off was!! I forgot my sweater at work and I didn't want to have to worry about anyone else staring at me. I really wanted to go but I know that I was mentally drained for the day and it would have turned out bad if I pushed myself. I at first felt it was detrimental because I really needed to go to this QnA with the Bishop from my church, but beating myself up wasn't going to make me turn back around. I immediately accepted the fact that I couldn't hang and that is a blessing because I have to be sure I address why I feel conflicted so I am aware and not feeling bad becasue I don't understand why I am uncomfortable.


Friday night I decided to do something productive since I was done woth people for the day, so I called a freind and bought my vacation package. I was talking to my friend and I explained to her the counselor told me I was insecure... and I explained to her that I am not! I don't care what other people think of me. You can tell becasue I carry myself that way. But at the very same time, my senses are on overload when I walk into a crowded room because I notice people noticing me. Its not that I care that they are. I just know they are becasue I am so in tune with thier body language towards me, their facial expressions, how their eyes move, and those things most people ignore. I unintentionally pick up on the cues. So she reminded me of a time that I believed I am highly sensitive and offered the book back that I gave her. I told her don't worry aobut it and set out for the library the next day. I found a book called The Highly Sensitive Person in Love and I read it all night Saturday night into Sunday morning. Now I woke up 6 am this morning and immediately jumped back on this subject. I want healing.

I feel like I am breaking out of this. Like the delirium of hearing someone laugh and cry. I feel a momentum of panic and relief. Panic panic panic, wait, reason, reason. Logic, wait, what exactly are you afraid of???! Nothing right? Move on loser. Let it go, shake it off. Drop the weight of your condition. Be free. And the moment came when the pain of remaining tightly closed in her shell was more painful than the pain of breaking out. Pressure.

soul mate

Go to church and every single female is waiting for God to send someone. Guess what "Singles Ministry"? I've been doing that for quite some time. I figured you could give me fresh perspective, but I feel as if I'm taking a step back hanging out with youguys. It shows me I definitely have to take the next step. There are a lot of good women in the church! Where are all the men?

Well, I have been waiting on that guy for years so God has blessed me with a keen sense of right and wrong, morals, values, love and empathy. I feel that I will take the step to use chemistry accumulated from someone else. Why should I refuse great advise from someone obviously a pro at the matchmaking process. I am getting aggressive on this area in my life. I will work it out.

Being Single Means...

Being single means I can watch Youtube till i get sleepy on the couch on a Friday night versus hanging out with you because...

I have unlimited days and nights to hang out... my time ain't bided with a loved one feeling neglected at home.

So dont try no slick shit with me tellin me u wanna hang out at 3.

Then turn ur phone off and no response from you till 6. Well, fine, I'll give you a second chance but dont play me, cuz im single bruh! I got nothing but time.

Plus I have learned how to entertain myself for days on end with no sight or sound of another living thing.

So u say you're coming, dont tell me it wont be till 9 cuz then u just drew the line! Im not on my caffeine kick and I know think u slick!

What I look like tryna stay up just to entertain u? U know i been up since 4:30 am and bed time is at 9.

Try again! And u better tighten up bruh cuz u gon lose this friend fakin around and tryna be cute. Don't make me call ur wife. Cuz i will. U deserve it.

Signs and symbols all over the place

Signs and symbols again. Talking about psychology. Mike talks about the child in India that was born iwht extra appendages. Eight, and her village thinks she is a goddess and prays to her. The family moves away to be near a hospital and the village is not happy. They don't want their new "goddess" to be away from them. Someone puts a curse on them and things start to go downhill for them. They move back but the town's people don't acknowledge them. They are ignored and noone comes o visit as they once did. Then they see a "witch" doctior. The doctor takes the curse off and their whole demeanor change. They carry themselves differently and that allows others to treat them differently. Now that they know there is no curse, the little girl goes and humbles herself befor the elders and everything is back to normal.

In the witch of Portobello, same thing with her. She acts as a withch allowing people to come and ask her but at the end of the day, it is revealed that she doesn't do anything to them. They just accept the fact that they are free to do what they please, She did not unlease thngs in people, she just allowed them to be in this state of mind and use intuition. It's like, we all are equipped owht the key that unlocks all the thingss tat hold us back. We just have to find out how to unlock it.

Many people use other means to get there. Many diffierent vessels. Witch doctors, drugs, religion, music, dance, crossword puzzles, painting. But honestly, I believe it is meditation. Quiet, or a chance to let your body and mind be quiet to let your heart and soul speak. It always speaks, just that so much stuff is happening around us that we drown out the messages.

Relationship issues.

women are hurt by the lies men give. Men lie in order to prevent hurting women. Women feel if men were truthful in the first place this would never happen. Men are indecisive to the last minute. It takes a lot for them to live with their decisions by being true to themselves and others. How does this cycle stop?

Each person in this relationship can only see their pain and struggle. When do we stop obsessing over our own problems to try and empathize and understand what our partners go through. It doesn't have to be a war.

Sign... focus on where you want to be.

Finding strength in adversity

A few years ago, the book The Secret came out and was a pop-culture rage. It wasn't a new idea, but it was packaged nicely and the concept did reach a new audience with the message that our life will follow our thoughts. What you expect is what you get, and what you expect is a matter of making a conscious decision. Dwell on negative thoughts and guess what you get? A negative life. Dwell on positive thoughts and receive an entirely different result — same person, same situation — but an entirely different destiny.

Wise words

Someone I know had divulged to me that she was not liking the vibe that someone was giving her. My uncle said great and listen to your gut. If you are getting a vibe, then listen to it.

I am having a reaction to some people. After a while of being their friends, I cant seem to want to be around them as much as usual. I feel bad about it, but theres nothing I can do about it. I realize now that its for my protection. Something within me is being alerted and is compelled to stay away from them and i guess my brain senses danger (whether perceived or real, I dont know) and wants nothing to do with them. I have to put thought into this because my mind plays tricks on me a lot. I have to figure out if this is logical and find the reality in this. It was wise for my uncle to say this, but at the same time, I can take things out of hand.

Signs, yet again

Don't worry about the moment if it is negative and unpleasent but not that serious.

Dont drag the last moment into the next. Release the feelings by not paying attention to them.

Cultivate present moment awareness. In order to be happy physically, we must be happy spiritually.

Yesterday, The author of Quirkology was talking about being aware. If you are in deep thought or concentration on something, you lose sight of other things. Its like selective surveying of our environment. We make assumptions of everything every day because it is not possible for our minds to relearn every little thing. You assume that for instance it is cold outside becasue someone out your window has a coat on. Instead of going outside to feel the cold and having to waste time surveying the tempurature, your brain makes assumptions based on observation. The problem lies when we make assumptions about things that are not important or we do it too often. Anyway, a study was done where ppl had to look at a tape on basketball players. they had to count how many times the ball was passed. While focusing on this, they totally missed the gorilla that stepped onto the court and beat his chest. Focus focus focus. When there was a competition or extra pressure, only 5% saw the gorilla, versus an average of 10%.

Yesterday night I was helping a friend about someone that has anxiety. I explained to her for about an hour how to deal with her, what its like in her head and how to help her if she so chooses. Basically a lot of the things I said I ended up watching on tv the next day. Not word for word, but Its apparent this guy had some mental problems and learned how not to worry or become depressed.

Today I am watching Mr Jose Villegas III and he is basically explaining the same things that i said to my friend. We think a lot and our attention/mind can only be focused on one thing. He says "present moment awareness" is what is important to focus on every day. Anyway, back to our mind and its capacity of focus. We can either focus on thoughts or the momoent, Our thoughts can be ruled by emotions and if we focus too much, then thats when my anxiety kicks in. Be focused on the moment. To me, thats usually when I stop whatever I am doing, take a deep breath, and look around me. Look at the thing on the wall, look at my hands and just observe things. It allows my mind to reset and stop thinking and spiral with bad thoughts fueled by emotions that may not even be founded.

He says once you start judging people you actually judging yourself because you are using yourself as a basis. I specifically said that to my friend b/c sometimes when I drive, i get hyper about when people cut me off or drive not to my liking. I realized i was doing that because I was creating anger and rage unnecessarily because I was holding every driver on the road to the standards that I created for myself. These standards are not set in stone, but they work for me. I dont realize there are more than way to do things so other driving styles work. Plus I am creating this insanely ruley and focused environment and unnecessarily and unfairly holding other people to thoose standards.

What is interesting to me is that I am sitting here worried about school and how I need this and how I need that degree, says who? Well im putting all this pressure on myself for no reason! If i am meant to be successful at what I like, degree or not, I will be successful. And how am I defining the word successful? I successfully was able to share my experiences of anxiety with a friend. I didn't need to go to school for that? Plus here is this man, who looks pretty much successful, he is on televison sharing his experiences of God and reaching out to countless people on knowledge on what he calls "Emotional prison". Who is to say he is not successful, degree or not. I bet I could probably find a similar career without finishing my degree. It's like what I was tellign my friend yesterday anyway, I was not satisfied with my other job and I decided to start school and that appeased my dissatisfaction. I figured I go to school and earn a degree towards psychology and that should give me some control. I am in an entirely different profession and it would be very difficult (how would I know??) to just jump into another profession. I basically put paint on a rusty car. I'm dropping out of my Childhood and Family Development class. Too much pressure.

I feel like I make decissions that sounded good at the time, but then when the luster wears off, i realized the real motive behind it and I've duped myself. Why?!

Another Symbol

Women and religion and spirituality. I was listening to NPR and they were talking about a lady who died recently, Mary Daly. She was a radical lesbian feminist. She generally didn't talk to men, she was a teacher at Boston College there were at first no women. When, in 1999, she attempted to have an all female roster, a male student sued the school. She claimed that he didn't meet all prerequisites. She further explained men in classrooms with women are very disruptive. Women act differently, being ridiculed by their responses and interactions and feel the need to dress up or look presentable for the opposite sex.

Anyway, two very important things I heard is that she fought with the Catholic church and believed that trinity originated from triple goddesses in ancient history. Also she fought about the fact that women are being robbed of things by the patriarcy. Stolen are our creativity, creative energies, and religion. Women are being excluded in this male-dominated world.

So as I am on Paulo Coelho's website, he is interviewed speaking on women's exclusions and God the mother.

Sign...

Sword fight.

I figuratively got peed on. Two guys marked me as their territory. One guy defends his pick-up technique by saying he TRIED hitting on me and look where it got him. one squirt from the wiggler.

Then the other guy (that has a girlfriend, just marked the 1 year anniversary) says, oh yeah guy, it takes a while to get on her good side. I've been working on getting with her long-term. Long long term. One more squirt.

I should feel flattered, however I dont. I just sat there with a grin on my face shaking my head "yes! whatever you say".

that conversation was meant for the first guy to know that the second guy is interested in me even if he does have a girl and that he does not allow the first guy to even think that getting with me is an option. Sigh, men.

Signs and symbols

How do you know when something is a sign? I received two separate things where teaching was something that was spoken about once, then I ran across it again in a book. Teach in order to learn about the lessons you don't know anything about.

Today: fear. Fear keeps you from your potential. Fear of failure and disappointment keeps many people from dong many things. Life is "regular" all planned out. Fear to break the mold and follow your heart can lead to an early grave. How do youexpect to acheive your dreams if you are afraid?

Two things kept me going towards fear. Steve Harvey has an article in Sister Sister. He talks about instilling the freedom of fear from man. The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho. In the book, a protector talks about the two traditions. One is the same thing done over and over, the other is the one that allows you to go into the realm of the unknowing.

I was driving in major fear last week when there was ice on the roads. I had major fear of driving in that lane all the way on the left. Look at all that slick ice, I said to myself. Fear talked to me and I did not let it dictate my path. I decided to just do what fear wanted me to avoid. I drove on the ice. It was rough, yet smooth. It was a little slippery, but my car didnt go into a major fishtail. I experienced something so new to me. Something so not like me and out of the normal realm of my reality. Driving on ice! What a feat! What a small act that takes 2 seconds, but what a life lesson I learned. I have gained a lot of experience and knowledge and wisdom from that day with the ice.

1. Fear can disallow you to go where you belong: your destiny.
2. Fear doesn't always make sense, is rash, and demands too much time.
3. You can make it past that threshhold and when you do, oh how sweet it is!

Go with Jesus

Grandma, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I am forever grateful for the knowledge you've instilled in me as well as the inspiration for a quest of wisdom.

I think sometimes about how many other cherished moments we have been robbed of since your abrupt departure.

There are so many unanswered questions I have for you. So many open-ended conversations we had.

There's that burning response you told me you'd give about my nose ring. You said you were going to tell me later.

I never push you for your responses because I know God tells you when it's right for you to let me know what I am ready to hear and receive.

I was very interested in what you were going to tell me.

Now I will never know.