Monday, July 12, 2010

peace be still

its time to write.

I went to a meeting yesterday. Was a little confused if i was at the right place, but seriously as i sat down, i immediatly felt a part of the circle. Didn't share anything. Didn't judge besides seeing that many people look alike. Eyes, nose, mouth, two legs, to arms. Teeth and tongue.

I am struggling, I am grasping at anything that looks like a life preserver. I am extremely aware of the fact that life as I thought I knew it and as I preached and sold it is no longer real? Has my reality been shattered? I am terrified to think that my life will not be how i want it to be... am I really stuck in the same mal-adaptive ruts and routines? It was comforting to be around people that share your pain. The people feel what you feel and aren't afraid to admit that. But is there more to the circle? I feel bit of encouragement from them because they are successful, normal looking people. So what? I thought I already came to the conclusion that nobody is normal and that anybody can be successful by other's standards. I thought I already scratched monetary successfulness off my list of accomplishments. Why am I retreating back to that? Disguised as wanting to belong, the manipulative mind works wonders again.

I want to be emotionally healthy. thats what i want. thats what scares me to see the people and feel that nothing will change. I may be vulnerable at this point. I need good news. I need to see that someone made it? Back to that again, huh? Well guess what. Hard work and diligence and you will make it. Not only that but u will be the first, girl. You are an amazing unshakable force with God behind you. You have no idea of what wonders, challenges and trials are in store, but know that you can overcome ANYTHING with God because you have all the tools in you. Cultivate them. Listen to yourself. Stop resisting yourself. The answers are in the laundry. The answers are in the chores. Your secrets and your future is in your tasks. They will be revealed when you love yourself enough to take care of the mundane things. Those small things are the rituals that you are lacking in your life. Stop engaging in mindless time-wasting with the TV. You got your money's worth, watching every second of it is not going to make the bill go down. Love what you have and find the joy in what you've done before. Relive it. Take pride in your possessions. Take pride in your den. Your home is your sanctuary. The only way for your sanctuary in your mind to be free of clutter is if you free your physical sanctuary of clutter. Work on keeping everything constantly clutter-free. You CAN do it. Don't speed. You are not running from anything. You have nothing to fear or hide. Be content in the moment. Because this moment could be gone in a heartbeat. Stay still. Be. Love. Love out. Love in. Love. Get over yourself.

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