Saturday, October 22, 2016

I reclaimed myself. Found that it was there, just put it on the shelf temporarily. Keep forgetting I can't run away from it. I can't neglect it because it's like walking around without your skin. As much as you itch and you want to take it off to rest a while, it is not that it isn't worth living, but it is your entire reason for still being alive.

Though it seems like a burden, you have to reframe your perception and find the gratitude once again.

I did that last night. My bones were aching, my ankles, knees throbbing. Muscles twitching. Broke out in a cold sweat. Slept for 12 hours in my fleece blanket with the air purifier on. Thought I was "healing myself". It didn't work. I woke up more sore, more stiff, and then something clicked... "Keep searching", i thought.

Radically, I went outside in the rain with the dog, she chased leaves, while we skurried to the coffe shop. We got there drenched but happy. I cant remember the last time I sang, skipped, and laughed in the rain. The dog loved the rain gutters and biting the torrential water cascading off of the roofs. I laughed out loud.

I got a free dark chocolate double espresso. The dog got free rubs from the customers. We walked back and then I realized, I pressed pause on myself because I thought that's what I do to find work-life balance. That's not it. I realized I've been doing it right all along: integrate ME, MYSELF, and I into the world and unapologetically embody myself.

Pushback comes from others when there is confusion. I will not make sense to everyone, but I make sense to myself, and that's enough for me.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Truth versus reality.

--->In all honesty, I long for the days where my biggest fear was that I wouldn't find one person who would love me.
       >---In all reality, I finally realized that everyone loves some part of me. I'm the one who doesn't allow myself to love the whole me... all at the same time.

--->In all honesty, I long for the days where I missed my mom because I wanted to complain.
      >---In all reality, I miss her because I want to include her in my future and use her vision to help mold me into the legacy my family is to leave.

--->In all honesty, I wish I could be content as a stay-at-home furmom.
      >---In all reality, I want to find a way to work for free and want nothing.

--->In all honesty, I'm tired of hearing people complain about trivial superficial things when the rest of the world is burning...
      >---In all reality, I have a strong desire to want everyone to open their eyes to realize that if we

work together to fulfill our current needs, across the board, we will all be able to rise together in the

end (with unimaginable ideas of what it means to be content, those which we cannot even fathom

today because we are so programmed to fit into the construct our civilization currently is in.)

That is all.