Sunday, May 02, 2010

Look in the mirror unashamed.

Don't deny it. Don't deny it. Don't deny it. Be honest and true to yourself. I love. I don't allow myself to love hard. Because I am afraid of how strong the force is. I have absolutely no idea just how strong it is. I don't know how brilliant and bright and shiny it is so I keep it covered. I don't want to attract the reight people. I know that and I have for some time. Thats why I am so steadfast in my selection process of friends. I feel like willow on Buffy. I am something and I dont even know it. I get a little confused in our sessions because he is talking to me a certain way that I do or don't get. I dont get it but at the same time I get it. It's been a long time since someone has confused me so much. especially about myself. But i need to be honest to myself. I have so much love that I dont know what to do with it. My love overflows to the point that I have joy. I feel like my love can be support to others and motivation. I have a desire for people to do good in thier lives. I believe in everybody. I have the conviction that everyone in this world can succeed if they so choose. The more control I show, the more i realize that bad things are more focused. More with purpose. I must be getting to something valuable. I must be getting hotter. I feel like every year every day every hour every second I am growing and my knowledge and wisdom is expounding. It is one thing to be knowledgeable but wisdom comes when you have the restraint to exercise the knowledge. Love is elusive. Love the definition is elusive. I feel like I am a power source and my recharge is alone time. i need that. I want to find other ways to recharge besides going to my sisters house. I am honest with myself. I am emotional. I am an emotional person. I am rational. I am a rational person. I am grounded. I am a grounded person. I am lovable. I am a lovable person. I am sane. I am a sane person. I am royal. I am a royal person. I will not get a tattoo. It is not for me. I am not that. Jesus loves me. I love me. It's okay to be emotional. It is okay to show emotions. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be happy. It is okay that I get sad in the winter. It is even better that I can admit that and know that I can separate my emotions from the weather. I know this winter was very difficult on me. I feel that I was growing a lot. I feel like I need to plan instead of reacting. I didnt have a clue that it was going to be such a bad blizzard except my body reacting. But I now know that if I am ever in the situation, running away is not the answer. Leaving the house during a blizzard isnt the smartest thing to do. I realized that when my body reacted the way it didl I am okay with crying. It is not okay to surpress my feelings. I need to show them to myself. I had a wonderful experience with Al Asad. It was ground-breaking. I appreciate the soul-searching. i know Leish doesn't really believe that she is scared of me. She is playing an act. She is intimidated of me. I am God. I love God. We all have God in us. God is through my fingertips. Down to the souls of my feet. I miss my grandma. That is self-love. To be able to recognize the God in yourself. I have a lot fo thoughts that I need to work out. I need to do this more often. Whenever I feel anxiety, i will writh/type whatever is on my mind. If it means I get to a point that I cry, so be it. I am confused about a lot of thisngs in my life. I am not happy wht the fact that my Grandma died because I feel that I have been waiting when I am ready to get started on some things that my grandmother knew about. I feel lost but I know I am not. She is with me and I have her strenght in my bones and her life in my blood. Her knowledge and wisdom in my head, her gentleness in my handds, her fortitude in my stomach, her patience in my hips, her strength in my shoulders. I was happy as a kid to just get to being older. Dunno i knew that things would be so great at that point but I knew that I am destined to be there and I will be happy. I will be in a great place when I am older. I can't wait until I am older. That is what doesn't scare me about getting older. But I know i have a lot to learn and a lot of trials to go through before I get there. These are necessary because I can't build a chimney without a floor. I am in such a search for truth in myself that I seek that from my friends. I know I push them to be honest with theirselves but its because I need them to call me out and do the same thing. Same thing that Angela does. I want to not be the only one that is doing the right thing. but its okay becasue I am unique. It's such a blessing to know that when I felt I was at my most weakest state that somebody saw me as poised and a calming spirit. I was nurturing myself back into the health that I need to ge tback to. I thought I did bad because I was at such a sensitve state that day. I guess that I was so beat down that day that I really had no more pretenses that got in my way. I really felt that when I was talking to her I was kind of

Words to look up:

Lessons I've learned: Don't apologize.

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