Thursday, July 08, 2010


im pissed off becuase im not even getting the opportunity to grieve like i should. he is not giving me any space like i requested.

i called him on his birthday to tell him that i needed time to get through this. the time is indefinite because i dont know how long it is going to take for me to get through the grief of my mother passing. he explains that NOW we need family when the whole time ive been telling him while we were there thats what he needed, and now that i am gone, he's gonna be on the phone with me and grandma. well i told him my therapist told me to tell him what i thought. i told him that i need space and im tired of having the responsibilities of him and he said what responsibilities. i told him the responsibility of taking him to the church. "Well noone asked you to. You didnt have to babysit me." Wow. "I chased you out the house and rushed you with the shirt off your back and the glasses upon your head and you are saying you didnt need it? Wow, that's ungrateful. Your welcome!" chuckle chuckle. Thanks! Your welcome. "Are you still mad at the hospital stuff?" "No! I am not. i am angry at the fact that you didnt even want to do the funeral. that was your responsibility. Yours, not ours, as a husband it was your wife. Well i was in denial. And i wanted to be alone. I was just at a place where i didnt want to be bothered. Well guess its my turn now! I am going to be selfish. Well dont stay away for too long. dont stay away forever. dont be a senior citizen. A senior citizen is someone who is secluded selfish and shut out from everyone else.

I told him ii would call him. just give me time to get over my own mess.

So he calls me today telling me that i need to remember that i was the one that said that family needs each other and talks about things. he manipulates what i said to say that i say family needs to talk things out. he said oi wasz thingking about it and you saind the psychologist said that you need to stop talking to me. well the psychologist makes money and they say these things to get paid. (i didnt have the heart to tell him that it was free). So the psychologist doesnt know the whole story. she doenst know the reasoning and feelings behind things. So how can she tell you that you need to stop talking to your family? I told him the psychologist never told me to stop talking to him. i told him she told me to share my feelings with him .She told me that i should let him know how i feel and I think that you wont be able to support me emotionally the way i need it so i feel like i need to get through this without him. so he said i can be there emotionally (im trying so hard not to see him ads a bad guy, but then thats also me feeling like he did a doozy on me. what a number that i keep thinking he's a victim of this and that.) So then he tell s me about how he misses her and GRANDMA TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD CALL HER WHENEVER HE WANTED TO TALK! and so then he tells me about how he was crying this morning and remembers how he was thinking aobut blowing his brains out to be with my mom but he would be in hell instead and how he was jumping n the car to drie crazy with the alcohol in his body but hten he realized that he had a family, daughters, a grandchild and all of that. it was the family that he needed to stay around for and he is taking this pretty hard. pretty much just making me feel like shit about not being able to call him. i dont care. i feel helpless in this situation and i feel like shit for letting him make me feel like shit. i have to break out of it. and its hard becuase everyone believes you are born into the role you want. well i dont want to be doomed to the fate of life that was made before me. my future is up to me. i am fighting for my life. i changed his number in my phone to "Don't answer" an called him to tell him if he needs to get a hold of me to call lyvia, justice, uncle jeff... can get a hold of me. He laughed and said "so i cant get a hold of you lol?" and i said "basically" ok. no problem.

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