Monday, July 14, 2008


I have the tendency to find the "meaning" behind everything. That evolves into finding the silver lining in every cloud. There's always something positive or good out of any situation. Either that or I have yet to be proven wrong.

Once I went through a very tough situation that really tested me. I am blessed to have been able go through it because it showed me just how much I could handle and withstand. With Jesus' grace, mercy and strength, of course.

I recently was going through some tough situations (this means, i'm having an internal battle, mind-fight aka stressing) and I told a once-thought best friend that I was in need of support. I told her that I felt so desperate that I was going to get a tattoo of "Jesus" on my hand, just to constantly remind myself that I'm NEVER going through anything alone. It hurt me to no end when she told me that I shouldn't get it and she's happy I didn't rush out to the tattoo place like I told her I felt like doing. I asked myself how could I be friends with her so long and NOT know she felt this way? that she wouldnt support me through my tough times? that she didn't support and actually dis-acknowledged my relationship with Jesus? It hurt. But Jesus got me through, and while I didn't run out and get a tattoo, I did write His name on my hand and faithfully darkened it in with a black pen after every hand wash for two days straight.

I was just about to fall asleep when I saw someone. I saw him, almost too clearly and it scared me so bad to think I would wake up and he wouldn't be here with me. Sad that I'm afraid to sleep and dream about my love. I've never cried harder in my life than the last day I would see him. I was so torn with my emotions and wondering if I should express them. I felt that I should hold back cuz the outcome was looking grim, but I thought maybe by me holding back, I was writing the actual ending to our story, that maybe thats all it took was for me to run after him. Is it too late? Am I overstepping my bounds? My kindred... Maybe me and him together would be like in Hancock.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been so close to tell him these things. I just don't want to be selfish and burden him with this if he's not at the place to work with me. At a point in time, we saw eye to eye! I don't know what he told himself to get over me, but I told myself he had died and that I'd never see him again. that was the only way i could concentrate on getting back to normal. to continuing without him. I am ashamed to say I live for the moments he emails me to see how I'm doing, I live off of his successes. Thats one of the many things he taught me. I know that's what he's doing when he emails me, he wants some of my positivity and good news.

I am blessed to have crossed paths with him. Even if our time together was fleeting.

Friday, July 04, 2008

I missed you!! Yeah, you!

AAAAHHHHHH!! What the fudge!@ It's been soooo long! I just finished my finals at the end of june, i just moved literally 2 days ago, and I'm training for a half-marathon (13 miles) I know it sounds like a lot of miles, but i'm excited and a closet running-lover, even if my body doesnt agree with me half the time.

Thank you, quarter-life, for that comment! I was thinking about how you were doing and thinking about how I miss reading your blog and wondering how you are and all the other blogs I miss reading.

The last few posts I was saying how much I knew I would be busy and overwhelmed with new job, school and eventually moving all in three months and how i couldnt wait until things start to calm down. I honestly can say that it was hectic but I am soooo proud of myself for all the hard work I put in and got out of it. I got 2 As. I am doing a wonderful job at my new... uh, job lol. And I have moved as of this wednesday. Actually Im at my old apartment packing up (and using the internet cuz i gots none at the new pad :( ...)

Well, im supposed to be packing but i got this bottle of yellow tail im tryna polish off cuz VA has that Open Bottle law, and im a law-abiding citizen with a clearance so Im not tryna get in trouble: I don't believe in wasting food, and throwing out wine is alcohol abuse... (I threw out the cork by mistake). Since I don't allow myself to drink one drop of alcohol while I was attending my semester of school, I decide to become an alkie-in-training in between semesters. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Work hard play harder. And yes, quarter-life, school was testing my limits. But I love a challenge, so I'll be taking 3 classes next semester with a projected GPA of 4.0. That's just how I roll. lol!

Its so interesting when I talk to other people about leisure time and what we do on weekends. While im doing school, i have 100% focus on school, cuz I know I can easily easily be distracted. I told that to my work-husband (long story... I may share later) he tells me I have no life [sigh] because I don't go out or I'm always doing homework. Like he knows me... or what I've done in my past!! Before my new job, I could have been a whore, a police officer, the fuggin president of Mgundabi!! but apparently it only takes 2 months and impersonal work-environment conversations to know my life story. psst, he has me figured out!! Everyone at my new job thinks im either an angel or a volcano waiting to explode lol I like that, cuz that means there's some kind of fear, respect, reverence, or caution when people talk to me. (probably not, they probably think i'll bust out in tears if they say something too harsh). I wish somebody would come out their mouth wrong to me... Oh, i take that back. My uncle told me not to say that because then I'm willing it to happen and whatever i say will be. Im getting off the subject.

But my mind and my will is all on school for the next few years.THAT'S the business!!!! I had 7 years to get all that partying out the way. And my future husband/children is a: maybe/maybe-not/maybe-never/Let-go-and-let-God. I would love to have that, and while it is not everything, I am content without it. I have a soul mate, and we email every few months. I try not to let it hurt me that i can't be happy with him, but I celebrate the fact that I can be happy without him. I would love to share that story one day, but I might end up crying bad and short-circuit my spiffy laptop with all the tears. So, this was all over the place. I missed you! I hope you missed me! I will be blogging more often... that is until school starts again in August ha ha! 3 classes, and one is math! so imma need to put in 150% focus!