Friday, July 16, 2010


round and round. i was writing. found quotes that matched. Found chuck Palahnuik... loved his quotes. felt he was in my brain. found out he wrote Fight Club. Was just talking about him with my sister... wow.

Change Gon' come

it was easy for me to use and apply the words my grandparents gave me versus my parent and aunt and uncle. we are removed one generation. it is possible that they were too strict, not lovable, or whatever, but throughout the years, the message could not be received. I was blessed with the ability of God to keep going. I think I am young. ans so are my aunt and uncle. they are young and it isnt too late to change. I will not think its too late to change as long as God has me. Now everyone is different and the change can be as radical or subtle as God wants it and it isnt my choice to judge everyone's journey of life. Move along. Nothing to see here!

Help me Please!

Romans 13:8-10 (New International Version)
Love, for the Day is Near
8Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet,"[a] and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 10Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Romans 12:17-19 (New International Version)

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[a]says the Lord.

Romans 12:21 (New Living Translation)
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Deuteronomy 32:35 (New Living Translation)

35 I will take revenge; I will pay them back.
In due time their feet will slip.
Their day of disaster will arrive,
and their destiny will overtake them.’

Mother's death
Numbers 11:14-15 (New International Version)
14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin."
Signs signs signs. I have relinquished power to God. And He hasn't failed to provide me with my needs and necessities. Impeccable timing.

My uncle once had a discussion with me a couple of weeks ago. We were speaking about faith. I told him that i have faith and he says we all do. But do you have enough to move a mountain? All you need is faith like a mustard seed. Well, I said I do because I believe it but I directly wouldn't test God by asking him to move mountains, I know he can do it. Uncle Jeff told me I would never have to move one with my faith... I wasn't content with that response. My faith should allow me unlimited access to move stars, mountains, whatever as long as I believe in it and it's what God wants, right?! So if God wants to move a mountain, who is my Uncle to tell me it will never happen? I understood what he was coming from, though. But he cant tell me what God can do in my life. Bottom line.

So last night, I had decided to wake up early on Friday to get to work extra early because I had to drop off my vehicle to get the oil changed later in the morning. The problem is I haven't been waking up until 6:45 -7:45 (late nights, and lots of tossing and turning keeps me in bed). But I set my alarm for 5:11 and I asked God last night (lol watch what you ask for) to give me a real good reason to get out of bed. I wasn't going to worry about how notorious I am about that primal urge in me to hit the snooze button! I am addicted to it, so I have a lot of fear of falling into my habit. But I told myself, why worry if you asked God to take care of it. So, lo and behold, I was woken up at 5:05 this morning to an earthquake. That definitely got my brain up. God answers your prayers. Even the little ones.


I don't know. Eveyrone's going bonkers.

My aunt is kicking my cousin out the house. shes staying with me. my grandpa was in the hospital for a couple of days. high blood pressure. my dad didnt sign papers to donate my mom's body to science. Selfish. selfish, selfish. Bonkers bananas, loopy. strong. tea bags and stained glass windows.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

trust your gut

Like i said, its my turn. got my answer... now i sense a quietness... its cool. its just me jumping to conclusions i do all too well. i need to have patience. put the phone away and go to the next stage. That guy i had talked to didnt even call me back. he told me to call him. Jermaine. But i didnt think that was appropriate if i was telling him that i liked him. I dont like him and based off the first impressions, i would not like to know him better. He was very pushy, guarded, suspicious. I am a stranger. My bank for trustworthiness should be zero at the least... not at -50. Thats where I felt it was because of his interrogation... give me YOUR number. Well I did. He said he wanted to call me. So then as I drove off, he said to me: Call me! Wha? miscommunication like a mother, but I feel that if he really is a good person, then he would call me. that's funny to read. The gist is im not interested.

Anyway my day will be great despite it all. DOnt know why I have such a hang up over him... God help me shake this shit.

men, can't live with 'em, can't figure them out.

i dont know. i think i just cant blame someone else for my actions, which is partially what i did. I mean i warned expressedly. the intentions of warning him were because I really thought this time it would be different. the thing is i wasn't the different factor either. I cant expect ppl to be different if I keep testing everyone with the same test. The blessing in this is the lesson I am learning is that we are all predictable. We all have the same human urges. And despite it all, i am putting people through tests that can never be won. unintentionally I am asking to specific of a question. that question may not even be fair to ask. I gotta look at it like how i want someone to treat me with a mix of respect for all races with a blend of how they want to.

i hatebeing all over hte place. i feel better that im talking to him. thats that.

U got issues

Come as you are. Time to write.

I just eamiled Dboy. No response. Why am I worried? Dunno. no good reason. Just dont like to be ignored. Here's the deal. Not everyone responds to all my texts. But I specifically said by name?! So? You are avoiding ppl. Guess what? Thats how the world turns. U know now how it feels not only cuz its something ur ding but there are fewer people that you can feel hurt by an ignored phone call. The thing is, A is a lot closer to you. You are very vulnerable towards her. And when she doesnt call you back, you aren't butt-hurt. You learned how not to put weight behind that for her specifically. Always there is a reasonable reason. Not wanting to talk to me hurts but that is my choice if I want to use that. Its not personal. People have super busy lives. And maybee not so busy. But its not my job to fill in the void with self-deprecating, malicious, self-defeating thoughts. That isnt my job. Just be who you are in the mean time. You know?! You know how it feels to shun ppl, and you know how it feels to be in your bubble. You know how it is. just be in the bubble. I want to know if someone can make it? Can they? Can they change? successfully? Can they. i can. Can we change what we've been through? can e adapt?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Hurt people hurt people

Love you forever.

Do people really mean that? Forever? Can we ever really fall out of love. I am visiting the graveyard of love otherwise known as my hotmail account. I have collected throbbing, innocent dripping still-warm hearts of the many men I have unwittingly infatuated. They had no idea... i just ripped their hearts out... on some occasions slowly, sometimes even relishing in the joy of watching it beat in my very own hands. It was calculated, manipulatory skills are very well respected! Wow, I must have been hurt! I must have really wanted to hurt. My game was the truth. I wasn't the victim besides the fact that I thought i was the victim. Wow. I am having some hindsight and I am happy I acted my conflicted love affairs on men. God, If i were a boy, I think a lot of women would be dead right now.

I have a bad memory. Don't really know why either. I think we all do. I wrote David back. I did because I reread the emails we sent each other. And as I picked through the carnage that were my intimate thoughts and desires, I realized I really liked him. I am not a liar and I pride myself in that fact so when I reread my words I know who to trust. And just the pure unadulterated honesty that I wrote to him, very candidly put myself out there... it's no wonder he still emails me every once in a while.

Hurt people hurt people

peace be still

its time to write.

I went to a meeting yesterday. Was a little confused if i was at the right place, but seriously as i sat down, i immediatly felt a part of the circle. Didn't share anything. Didn't judge besides seeing that many people look alike. Eyes, nose, mouth, two legs, to arms. Teeth and tongue.

I am struggling, I am grasping at anything that looks like a life preserver. I am extremely aware of the fact that life as I thought I knew it and as I preached and sold it is no longer real? Has my reality been shattered? I am terrified to think that my life will not be how i want it to be... am I really stuck in the same mal-adaptive ruts and routines? It was comforting to be around people that share your pain. The people feel what you feel and aren't afraid to admit that. But is there more to the circle? I feel bit of encouragement from them because they are successful, normal looking people. So what? I thought I already came to the conclusion that nobody is normal and that anybody can be successful by other's standards. I thought I already scratched monetary successfulness off my list of accomplishments. Why am I retreating back to that? Disguised as wanting to belong, the manipulative mind works wonders again.

I want to be emotionally healthy. thats what i want. thats what scares me to see the people and feel that nothing will change. I may be vulnerable at this point. I need good news. I need to see that someone made it? Back to that again, huh? Well guess what. Hard work and diligence and you will make it. Not only that but u will be the first, girl. You are an amazing unshakable force with God behind you. You have no idea of what wonders, challenges and trials are in store, but know that you can overcome ANYTHING with God because you have all the tools in you. Cultivate them. Listen to yourself. Stop resisting yourself. The answers are in the laundry. The answers are in the chores. Your secrets and your future is in your tasks. They will be revealed when you love yourself enough to take care of the mundane things. Those small things are the rituals that you are lacking in your life. Stop engaging in mindless time-wasting with the TV. You got your money's worth, watching every second of it is not going to make the bill go down. Love what you have and find the joy in what you've done before. Relive it. Take pride in your possessions. Take pride in your den. Your home is your sanctuary. The only way for your sanctuary in your mind to be free of clutter is if you free your physical sanctuary of clutter. Work on keeping everything constantly clutter-free. You CAN do it. Don't speed. You are not running from anything. You have nothing to fear or hide. Be content in the moment. Because this moment could be gone in a heartbeat. Stay still. Be. Love. Love out. Love in. Love. Get over yourself.


its been tough and rough the last few weeks.

-im grasping

Friday, July 09, 2010


my dad is an emotional vampire. one of my best friends is scared to even stand up to her therapist. I got a guy thats emotionally unavailable but single. then the other... who knows... he wants you to be there for him and u to confide in him but is not single. I am single. unavailable emotionally but not by choice. Lonely in my house. i need a dog. i know i keep saying i need this and i need that. well im getting a fucking dog. fuck it. I need some unconditional love.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Ronery... im so ronery!

I am lonely. Reacing out... its so close. right there in my inbox. all i gotta do is click and my journey begins... to more lonliness or self-fulfillness, i dont know. I resist though. I have to.

What would push me over the edge to go? I dont know.
It hurts me to know that I am attracted to certain people because i know its the fruitation of my parents. I am rejecting the people I want to be with because i am beng logical at the same time. I am split brained. I am scared that now that my mom is gone, the relationship between me and my dad will turn into something worse. I dont want to be there for him becuase of the passing of my mom. it is bothering me a lot because i dont want that emotional burden. I am there for him when he is having a bad day. he complains to me cuz my mom doesnt want to hear it. I dont whant to fill in. i dont want it i wont take it. I am his daughter. not his mother, not his friend. I think that his conversations with me are inappropriate. he uses me as his confidant. there are so many things about him that i know because he tells on his self. more in a confessional way than any other way. i dont want it. i still want a relationship with him but i cannot continue to have one at the rate we are going. i am scared because i may lose him but i have to know that this will make me stronger and if I can learn how to demand a healthy relationship with him than i can learn to speak up for myself when i am in a relationship with any other man. i am healing my heart of the wrongdoing he has unintentionally or intentionally done to me. i want to be heallthy. i can do nothing but believe i can get over this becuase if i dont than i will fail by giving up on myself too soon. i know i will be better. i can only do me. i cannot want people to come with me because i am an individual and unique and what i go though may be by myself. i am not alone, though. i have God. I used to not feel lonely. i was in denial. i surpressed the lonliness. i will not do that now. i am lonely and i confess. but i know I will get to the point where I will be healthy enough to be with somebody. I am scared to put myself on the line for someone, but the first thing to do is not chase someone who is unavailable. Unavailable men in my life are Luis, Meme, Rio. They are unavailable and I need to keep that in mind when i interact with them. keep the convo at a friend level. keep the boundaries.

Meme asked if i wanted to meet with him. i told my therapist that i wouldnt burden him with this information because i dont think its responsible for me to have some kind of emotional relationship with him if he is married. although i dont know what he can or cannot deal with. it is wrong of me to assume, like angela said. i am protecting ppl like i would protect myself and its not fair. of course i would love to see him again. its unfortunate that its in this capacity. maybe he is divorced like in my dream. I had that dream that me and dario were contentedly chillin and in the midst of it, meme texted me that he was divorced and whats up with me. Ang asked if i was happy with dario would i stop to be with meme, but i told her no cuz i dont even want anything with dario. i dont want anything with anyone but i do. what is it going to take? Do i have to be single untl this is all figured out? or do i have the opportunity to find someone that is understanding of my situation and has patience iwth me and love and understanding? Thats the question.

I remember what i told him. In the chow hall. i told him that (hes the first person i ever cried in front of) i never say i love you to my mom. i asked her if it bothered her and she said no because she knows i love her. well thats all i wanted her to say to me. just say it. and she did. i asked him if thats healthy. if i am weird or a bad person because of it. he told me no but i needed to try to make the relationship what i wanted because i am an adult. i can dictate. so i had to do some searching on my part. what was realistic of me to ask of her.


stop and let the universe take care of you. it can keep track of time much better than you... when i let go, and let God, things seem to happen all on their own. relinquish control it is a freeing experience to let the world be because when you need it most, God will take care of your every need. let go. give it to God. God, i appreciate you taking absolute care of me in this situation. I am freed because I have put my faith in you.


im pissed off becuase im not even getting the opportunity to grieve like i should. he is not giving me any space like i requested.

i called him on his birthday to tell him that i needed time to get through this. the time is indefinite because i dont know how long it is going to take for me to get through the grief of my mother passing. he explains that NOW we need family when the whole time ive been telling him while we were there thats what he needed, and now that i am gone, he's gonna be on the phone with me and grandma. well i told him my therapist told me to tell him what i thought. i told him that i need space and im tired of having the responsibilities of him and he said what responsibilities. i told him the responsibility of taking him to the church. "Well noone asked you to. You didnt have to babysit me." Wow. "I chased you out the house and rushed you with the shirt off your back and the glasses upon your head and you are saying you didnt need it? Wow, that's ungrateful. Your welcome!" chuckle chuckle. Thanks! Your welcome. "Are you still mad at the hospital stuff?" "No! I am not. i am angry at the fact that you didnt even want to do the funeral. that was your responsibility. Yours, not ours, as a husband it was your wife. Well i was in denial. And i wanted to be alone. I was just at a place where i didnt want to be bothered. Well guess its my turn now! I am going to be selfish. Well dont stay away for too long. dont stay away forever. dont be a senior citizen. A senior citizen is someone who is secluded selfish and shut out from everyone else.

I told him ii would call him. just give me time to get over my own mess.

So he calls me today telling me that i need to remember that i was the one that said that family needs each other and talks about things. he manipulates what i said to say that i say family needs to talk things out. he said oi wasz thingking about it and you saind the psychologist said that you need to stop talking to me. well the psychologist makes money and they say these things to get paid. (i didnt have the heart to tell him that it was free). So the psychologist doesnt know the whole story. she doenst know the reasoning and feelings behind things. So how can she tell you that you need to stop talking to your family? I told him the psychologist never told me to stop talking to him. i told him she told me to share my feelings with him .She told me that i should let him know how i feel and I think that you wont be able to support me emotionally the way i need it so i feel like i need to get through this without him. so he said i can be there emotionally (im trying so hard not to see him ads a bad guy, but then thats also me feeling like he did a doozy on me. what a number that i keep thinking he's a victim of this and that.) So then he tell s me about how he misses her and GRANDMA TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD CALL HER WHENEVER HE WANTED TO TALK! and so then he tells me about how he was crying this morning and remembers how he was thinking aobut blowing his brains out to be with my mom but he would be in hell instead and how he was jumping n the car to drie crazy with the alcohol in his body but hten he realized that he had a family, daughters, a grandchild and all of that. it was the family that he needed to stay around for and he is taking this pretty hard. pretty much just making me feel like shit about not being able to call him. i dont care. i feel helpless in this situation and i feel like shit for letting him make me feel like shit. i have to break out of it. and its hard becuase everyone believes you are born into the role you want. well i dont want to be doomed to the fate of life that was made before me. my future is up to me. i am fighting for my life. i changed his number in my phone to "Don't answer" an called him to tell him if he needs to get a hold of me to call lyvia, justice, uncle jeff... can get a hold of me. He laughed and said "so i cant get a hold of you lol?" and i said "basically" ok. no problem.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010


oh my gawd i feel like screaming aththe top of my lungs!!!!

Tuesday, July 06, 2010


writhe write whrite. write it out.
dunno what this one is gonna be abut today. just know i gotta write. Writhe. writhing in pain.. squirming, moving antsy, anxious. curious terrified. nervous, venemously sticky. ickky. rickety, unstable. disgustingly ill. but why, who says you have to? Don twnat you to do that. not good.

A fool learns from his own mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

Friday, July 02, 2010

This isn't the hardest thing...

This isn't the hardest thing. But I can see why so many relationships crumble in crisis. I can tell you it is extremely difficult to be in relationships, friendships, and commitments with other people all the while dealing with a grave grave crisis. When you are in the storm, it is such a physically heavy reality to experience the fragility of the thread that connects you to another person. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. If you've surrounded yourself with people that are like you, blessings if you are all healthy!

If that's not the case, I do say unfortunately, along with your task of carrying yourself, and all the depression that comes with it, you may feel it necessary to stay in the world and it be your duty to go above and beyond to ensure the thread between you all aren't severed. Some people are in preservation mode and whatever the reason, do not handle your crisis appropriately. I pray you don't judge, but keep an open heart and mind and know everyone has different capacities to carry things. By choice, I firmly believe one way or another, they may just not be able to handle this.

And although it may feel very unfair that you have to carry this burden of all the weight of the world, your family, your mother's death and your future grief and subsequent healing, along with the frustration that all your friends lives are still going on and on and on, its a blessing the world doesn't stop and mope with you. Not that you would wish this on anyone, but you wish someone would understand what you are going through and baby the shit out of you, but then when you get it, you are ungreatful and wish you would stop being treated so sensitively becuause you are and yet you are not. Why does it all seem so confusing? Because I am. This world is filled with people so different that all the facets of our personality can be nurtured and explored with different people. Just know who to go to when you need something specific.

But I am going to have to see the good in this to know that i can jump out of the funk once in a while, and immerse myself in my friends lives because I need it and they need it. And they are hurt in other ways by this. This scares people that they rely on you but knowing they cant at this point. Your survival is all they got at some point too because they need you to make it for more reasons than the self-perceived selfish ones you have conjured up in your convoluted head whether they be true or not. You can't think straight. Who can blame you. So I would like to know how the wedding planning is going. Please keep me updated on your cat's asthma. How is your suicidal sister-in-law doing? You mean you haven't found that missing cell phone just yet? So Harry Potter is one of the best book of all times? Oh, so you miss your kids while they're on vacation? No, i don't think I will be able to proof-read your daughter's medical school admissions paper. It's really endearing and heartbreaking at the same time to know you want to keep me posted to take my mind off of things, if just for a bit. A reprieve, if you will. I am ever so grateful and promise not to curse you in my head, because I need it more than ever.

Just know some people will burst out crying at the sight of you. It will happen. It has happened, and it is a weird experience. It is sad, and you think you don't even need that right now. You need someone to lean on, but guess what, this isn't the hardest thing. You will get through it.