Giving is futile when you don't know your source.
For a while, I gave but was frustrated when I wasn't getting the results I was expecting. I need to know the source of my wanting to give and change the product. Why am I giving things when I want affection back? Why am I giving time when I want items back.
I watch with envy at that black lady that takes care of others from this bottomless pit of love and I cannot tap into mine. It is within me, i am on my journey to find its source. I don't know why she is black. Or a lady. She just is.
Is love the answer to everything?
Now, dont get me wrong, I don't want to become the woman that ends up with a house full of people, children pets and neglects herself! No, because I KNOW that is an unbalanced mix. You should not neglect yourself because the subtle message portrayed to others is wrong: Do for others before yourself. They learn the habit of the same thing, which breeds resentment because a lot of other people that are not well-meaning will take advantage.
Then, there's that white man with all the time in the world to focus almost all his attention on the task at hand. The ability to be one hundred percent engaged in his actions presently. He will let tomorrow or the next moment take care of itself and he is not worried one bit nor putting his efforts to be there in his mind. I don't know why he is white. Or a man. He just is.
Every moment we live is a ritual of love. I, we must take care of ourselves and if that means be present during laundry, then do the laundry 100% in love. Acts of love for myself. Those chores I do not like to do, including cleaning my car, stretching, laundry cooking, cleaning the bathroom, driving in traffic, these are acts of love, and gifts of life that I should be so grateful to be able to experience. I need to be humble and grateful because as cliche as it sounds, 'be thankful for what you have' is something you have to do, but cant if you lack in love for yourself.
Without enough love for yourself, you don't believe you deserve the things you have, or have been through. When that happens, even a small compliment you get from people, you are doubting the validity or truth of it because by allowing yourself to believe it means you deserve it and you are worthy. Love yourself.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud; it is not rude; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trust. It always hopes, and always perseveres.