Thursday, November 18, 2010

use or lose

Move move move.

Gotta get up. gottttaa get GOING... Much better than ups and downs of caffeine. no down. regular tiredness... lots of yawning but mind, not body, wants to actively engage in things. to be productive. at night, no problems sleeping. tired but still ok to do chores that ought to be done.

Use or lose.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

they say make lemonade when life gives you lemons.
what happens when you hate lemonade, lemon tart, lemon pie, lemon meringue , lemon candy, lemon jello, lemon juice?

What happens when all the advice you get is so past where you are you feel pathetic for rejecting the good advice your friends are trying to tell you? why?

im not there yet. it will be a very long time for me to get to the fact that i am going to miss my mom, my sister's family, my dad, my grandma, my relationship with mmy grandpa, and the stability that comes with a solid structure of a family regardless of how dysfunctional it is.

God I pray you shake me out of this i am stuck in. this is not me nor do I want to spend another second like this. it is sickeningly comfortable and yet itchy like a snake ready to shed. I have overgrown it and am ready to get to life as the blank slate it is. all I have is my past and the thoughts of the present and my dreams of the future. Please guide me in the right direction. I dont know it all. I dont want to make things worse because life is already tumultuous. One more rock and the boat will flip. Tomorrow whend I wake, dear Lord, guide me in the right path to take care of me. Please allow me to open my heart to let in more people that are willing and able to take care of me like I take care of my friends. I need a mentor, a mother, a grandmother and cannot imagine life without someone there to be proud of my endeavors and achievements like they were. God I thank you for my grandfather. I love him and am blessed to have him in my life. Amen.
it is within the depths of my soul i carry...
...insurmountable sadness that cannot be overcome...
...sorrow with no depth that can be measured...
...guilt and shame which can never be washed away...
...anger and rage too afraid to express for fear of total loss of control...
...hopelessness that while fleeting has ability to capsize the whole psyche...
...a sense of defeat with no energy to rebuild the life and mentality I once had.

Life will never be the same.
I will never be the same.

I will be better.

Out of ashes rises the phoenix.

Out of pressure comes the diamond.

Most importantly out of my tattered and broken self arises a new born spirit with the knowledge, wisdom, hard-learned lessons that will guide me for the rest of my life.