I reclaimed myself. Found that it was there, just put it on the shelf temporarily. Keep forgetting I can't run away from it. I can't neglect it because it's like walking around without your skin. As much as you itch and you want to take it off to rest a while, it is not that it isn't worth living, but it is your entire reason for still being alive.
Though it seems like a burden, you have to reframe your perception and find the gratitude once again.
I did that last night. My bones were aching, my ankles, knees throbbing. Muscles twitching. Broke out in a cold sweat. Slept for 12 hours in my fleece blanket with the air purifier on. Thought I was "healing myself". It didn't work. I woke up more sore, more stiff, and then something clicked... "Keep searching", i thought.
Radically, I went outside in the rain with the dog, she chased leaves, while we skurried to the coffe shop. We got there drenched but happy. I cant remember the last time I sang, skipped, and laughed in the rain. The dog loved the rain gutters and biting the torrential water cascading off of the roofs. I laughed out loud.
I got a free dark chocolate double espresso. The dog got free rubs from the customers. We walked back and then I realized, I pressed pause on myself because I thought that's what I do to find work-life balance. That's not it. I realized I've been doing it right all along: integrate ME, MYSELF, and I into the world and unapologetically embody myself.
Pushback comes from others when there is confusion. I will not make sense to everyone, but I make sense to myself, and that's enough for me.