Sunday, August 22, 2010

on my way home

Where do we go from here? how do we carry on? i still cant get beyond the question....

First plane home i got to get on it.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

i get it now

Sometimes u have to go crazy to figure out how to stay sane. sometimes you have to get drunk in order to figure out how to Stay sober. sometimes someone has to die in order for life to be appreciated. sometimes sleep needs to forgoed in order to appreciate the value of dreams. Sometimes reveling in birth makes one cherish old age. being rich doesnt take away my fears of becoming broke.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


i had a dream that my dad was chasing me

i had a dream about two skunks

i had a dream about a flood. it was coming to get us along with the mob of people

i had a dream that my close friend and her husband died and i was in charge of her children

i had a dream about me buying a bike

i had a dream that i was running (woke up very tired from that one)

i had a dream that i was conversating with a close friend. cant remember if i actually talked to her or not

i dreamt that my mom was still alive

i dreamt that my brother was bac at the age of four

i dreamt that my sister was following me

i dreamt that i had a new dad.

i dreamt that my dad ws chasing me yet again

i had a dream within my dream that my dad was at the apartment that he didnt want where my mom used to live which was also where my grandma lived. he didnt want to live there so i was taking refuge. i was sleep and dreamt that he said something. well, upon me waking up, he was standing over me talking and the only thing i could do was get the hell out of that place. get away! get away from me! dont you understand? I dont want you near me!

a poem

It may seem as if I am carefree and strong,
Going through life as if nothing is wrong.
But no one has ever seen the real me,
They only know what I let them believe.
Most often my smiles are real and sincere,
Other times they help to hide my secret fears.
I carefully created a clever mask of illusion,
I wear it now to hide my pain and confusion.
So never is a tear seen falling from my eye,
I have learned to hold it all silently inside.
Quite often I want to just let go and weep,
But the pain is very intense and too deep.
I yearn to belong, to be one of the crowds.
To be able to speak of my dreams out loud.
Wanting so very much to be accepted,
Yet fearing the possibility of being rejected.
I need special someone to discern the real me,
And not hold in contempt what they will see.
The weaknesses and flaws I try so hard to hide,
Are all part of the real me I keep hidden inside.
I'm asking for a lot. I am. I lost some very important people in my life recently. Granted, some of those relationships were tumultuous at times, but they were the fibers that were intertwined with my DNA. I would NOT be here but for them. I love my life, my lineage and what I was created to stand for. I don't pretend to know what my purpose is. I just know that I don't know right now.

I lost a lot in a little and I feel like noone but me is supposed to be filling in but I never knew what the answers were in the first place so how should I know. I went to others for wisdom,because I didn't think I possessed it. I guess I did and I do because when something ceases to exist, their energy is not gone forever. It is transfered. I dont want my mom to be dead. it hurts to face that reality. it is just so unbelievable that it hurts. i dont want to face it. i am facing it. it is true. nothing can bring her back. so sudden.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

run run run. running running ran. away from facing it. ran into a physical brick wall. can't mentally run anymore so I decided to physically run. Run run running every day. Im about to run into a mental brick wall now because of the physical running. need to vent let it out. i am sad a lot of things have happened including my mothers death. i am not happy that i have to figure out how life is going to be without her. many times i just want to call her and talk. especially now that i have a new job that is very challlenging. what do i do when i want to talk to her? I talk to layla... no cant talk. she only re-spits out what i have told her the days before. not talking to hear anything. just talk to let things out. think them through. i want my mother back. i want my dad to be okay. i dont want my brother mad at me. i want us all to be functioning and rely on each other in a positive way. i want life to be fine. i want a man i want to live somewhere happily. i need to find out what i can do to find the happiness. i am happy now, but dont perceive myself to be happy when i am working towards being happy. some things are just necessary things that have t obe done in order to gt the goals and i need t learn to be happy in those times.

my office mate is on the phone talking talking talking and it bothers me. i just need an unclass to vent somethimes and its difficult to do... i will have to go from one computer to another all day if that what it takes...