Don't attack me because I dont want you!

When I was younger, a stranger observing me felt it in his heart to tell me i was a flirt, a tease and I would get unwanted attention based off of how I acted (even though I was shy and barely talked to anyone). I was hurt, disillusioned and disgusted with myself! I felt dirty and ashamed because I was portraying myself to be someone I wasn't. I didn't want sex from the opposite sex. Just attention, a boyfriend to go steady, or a good friend. I changed some things about me after that. i was obviously confused about the male population and how they see me. I don't judge that stranger. I don't even dare to claim understanding of that random-ass conversation. I'm just stating that it happened.

I was assaulted a few weeks back. The physical assault which boils down to unwanted touching wasn't even an issue, but I reported the whole thing under that pretense because it is more concrete evidence. I was spiritually assaulted and my character was attacked. No, i am not dramatic. I encountered a sociopath, pure evil that set his sights on me and sought me out. I was unscathed because I have my holy spirit guiding me.

Even when I encountered this evil man, I was acting in a manner FAR removed from my old self. I was professional, respectful, business-minded, courteous, inquisitive, positive and embracing. I still received unwanted attention. Maybe it was my looks. Maybe the way I walked or how my face is expressive.

The question is when is it going to be the man's fault for his actions?

Certain men will be disrespectful regardless of the way women act. If he has an agenda, he will do whatever he wants to get his way or his point across. It doesn't matter if she was attractive, flirting, minding her business, or whatever. Did that stranger think that if I got raped (God-forbid) that it was my fault because I was born into my sex? I have throughout the years attempted to mold and manipulate my behaviors to seem less attractive to the opposite sex so that I don't look like a tease or make guys come on to me.

I am not independent. I am self-sufficient.
I don't talk too much. I am expressive and enthusiastic.
I am not head-strong. I just don't take bad advice.
I am not prissy. I know what I want and it's not you.

All these things show that I am secure with myself and I have a healthy self-esteem.

When men want their women a little insecure its because the woman looks to others for strength. They are needy and have a tendency to always rely on others to assist them. This is something some insecure and weak-minded men need in their women because they haven't found healthy ways to maintain their ego or gain respect. They are lacking so they seek it out in the wrong way.

I don't date insecure men. I will not be there to stroke your ego. Yes, I need a strong man if that's the word you want to use.

Strong: having moral or intellectual power; not easily upset or nauseated.
What I want is a stalwart man.

Stalwart: unshakable dependability.

...of all...

of all the guys I've...

left
picked over
rejected
over-estimated
underestimated
prejudged
foolishly trusted
threw away
ignored
contemplated over
lusted for
pined over
disgustingly accepted
complacently rejected

...I've always wanted something to show. A trinket of some sort to show their existence. something to prove.

Of all the items I've collected...

a watch
a teddy bear
a wine bottle
a condom
a box of cigarettes
a charm necklace
a baby picture
a lei
a poem
a breakup note
a text
a picture mail
a valentine card
a pillow
a belt
a mug
a keychain
a mixtape
a cd
a dvd

... the one that meant the most is something that has no material value. something that cannot be weighed by the finest-tuned scale. Yet it has the most profound and lasting affect on my life. not even the most sacred memorabilia can trigger nostalgia or longing for. He somehow reached into my chest stretched out his fingers and left an imprint of his heart on my soul. It has been the most treasured gift of all for it has been reincarnated time after time long when the gold chain gets dull and the teddy bear is moth-ridden.

of all the things to spend and splurge on he gave me a priceless yet the most free gift of all...

love.

l

Part 1: I hated her because I was not her

"I keep thinking I will have an epiphany and then know exactly who I want to be" ... interesting secret from postsecret.com.


"who" they want to be versus "what"... Most people don't know what they want to be when it comes to society or career. Maybe thats what that person means, but by using the word "who" it sounds more like an identity.

All along I knew who I wanted to be... I remember as a child (and still now) being attracted to the people that had endearing qualities that I craved. I was drawn to them for their effortless popularity, generous nature and seemingly perfect lives.

Here's one of many of those people:

I had a friend from probably 2nd or 3rd grade up to 5th grade. Michelle Wilson. She was a light-skinned Jamaican girl with a thick accent. Big round apple head. Hair and clothes always neat and pressed. Quiet, smart, sleepy-eyed girl. When she laughed her eyes disappeared. Everyone respected and liked her. Not too many people teased or picked on her and if someone did, majority would stick up for her. She had 'money' cuz she could afford to bring her own lunches to school: she didn't qualify for free lunch like majority of my classmates including me. She had a dad that was a teacher in junior high who I would later become a pupil of and fall in love with in a father/daughter kind of way. He was very respectable and caring. He picked her up sometimes from school. I was like her guardian and I had taken to walking her to the public bus that she rode so nobody would mess with her. Not that anyone was scared of me, but there's power in numbers and being a lone one on the streets of Brooklyn makes you an easy target. I loved her smarts. She cried if she got anything less than an A or B. I wish I cared or even my family cared about my schooling like her and her dad did.

I don't know if wanted to be her friend because I felt I deserved everything she had. I wanted the respect she got because of who she was. Not that i would ride off her coattails, but thats what it looked like i guess. She shared lunch with me every day. She gave me half her juice box and shared her sandwich, or gave me half her snack that her dad packed her. People were jealous of our friendship. They would ridicule us and chastize me for 'stealing' her lunch. Why was I so greedy they asked? do i have to always eat her lunch? Little did they know that if I said no, I would insult her and hurt her feelings?!

the downfall of our friendship you ask? I got tired of her. I got annoyed and a lot of hate and disgust grew in my heart. I turned on her, told her I didnt want to be her friend and stopped hanging out with her. I made her cry. You're probably wondering what kind of person i am or what did she do to deserve that. This isn't an apologetic regretful story. This is my homage to Michelle and all the others that have had a profound affect on my life.

I cry now for the person I was and the way I treated her. I cry because I know now I felt I was living a life I didn't fit in or deserve. I knew my fate before I knew what fate was... before I knew I had a choice, my future was calling me, beckoning me and showing me the way to a certain world i would soon live in.

run

right now I'm feeling... sleepy a bit. Better sleepy than stressed. I gotta run tomorrow. i get to sleep in until 5:30 but i will be runnin a few miles... which will make me want to sleep again.

I made a commitment to myself. I will be attempting something that I know i can do with tons of determination and brain power. Yes I can... run 13.1 miles under 2 hours.

Lunch made me sleepy!

Time: 7:58pm
Eating: Fried egg sammich w/ veggie cheese (fake cheese) on potatoe bread
Drinking: Celestial Seasoning Tension Tamer tea
Background noise: The Office

I went to work today with EVERY intentions of working my little fanny off! the first of october means new beginnigns! Forget about what you did last month. now is the time to start anew. But then i remembered i had a 3-hour meeting (bleh) followed by lunch at a nice restaurant.

Well, after being bored to death then eating myself into a glycemic stupor I reached the point of no return where I couldn't concentrate on anything except keeping my eyelids open. Even in front of the boss...

Random musings...

today has been a day. one of those days. it wasnt like any other day since every day is unique and yet you feel like it was "one of those days", aw well, i made it through.

I met my match! i finally found someone thats like me! Generous to the utmost without a feeling like you owe them... i always wanted to meet somebody like that. but not to the point that we fight playfully about who's gonna get the tab! I am hard headed and she is worse... you ever met someone who is like you so much that you become friends instantly, then start disliking certain things about them only to realize they are the same things you do lol!?

One day I may write a book. I dunno what its going to be about, or when I will start writing it, but it will be good!

God will lift you up.

When things are great, don't get too comfortable cuz things will start to go bad. Sun cant always shine.

I had a great time a couple weekends ago that didnt involve the normal things im trying to avoid (degrading music, sorry people, and alcohol just to have a good time). Had a huge blast!! I was at a singles conference at the church i was attending. To be honest, the night b4 on friday, i was at a party in dc doing a friend a favor and keeping her company by attending. It had the dj, the bar, the horny men and the hating catty women. I was moving to the music cuz beats have a way to touch me just right even tho i dont always agree with the words... anywho, the atmosphere, liable to make u feel nervous or wary, was not inviting. Walk in and nobody says hi! you get sized up! sigh!! Im over that!

So what a delightful break at the singles conference. there was talk-talk-talking but at the end of the evening there was a "dance", dj, dinner, and dancing. It was L-O-V-E-L-Y, you hear me?! God had me in the palm of his had and let me see a glimpse of heaven. I had a blast dancing to my favs ( coko, dave hollister, mary mary, etc) mixed by a real christian dj... i mean it wasnt lame at all like i thought. i got home that night and layed my head on my pillow after a LONG week of working crazy hours and long Saturday of conferences and a long night of dancing and i literally was on cloud 9! My mind was white by the time i closed my eyes to go to sleep. Not just clear as i was on my way to sleep, but literally all I could see was white. (usually I see visions or colors or kaleidoscope-like visions)


It did my soul good to be around positive people that had no other motives on a Saturday night other than to have a good time, to laugh, enjoy each others company, spread God's love and entertain in a wholehearted manner. No pretenses.

I relished in my Ecstasy... It was so delicious that i forced my self to stay up enjoying, literally, a clear mind. Cant remember if ever i had one like this. and one thought strayed through my white clear mind: something is going to happen. Be prepared! My spirit was telling me that my mind was clear for a reason... just like the reset button on most ur electronics, i had a blank brain for what the next week brought on. Lemme tell u what! I made it with GOD!! I love the surprises God shows me! I feel like a kid with him and I appreciate him calming my mind so I can hear my spirit...

Note to self: Dear self,

I'm starting school with a different approach. my summer of loungin on the blu couch is over (so sad!!) (still got some sangria tho... havent found a good enuf reason to pop that top just yet)

my approach is to chill. just like my new philosophy. there is no philosophy. just do. feel, listen, absorb what earth, your spirit, and your environment is telling you and go. ease up on yourself. You have proven yourself TO yourself so just go ahead with that slow and steady pace the turtle used to win the race against the rabbit.

I've been the lazy bum, I've been the overacheiver and none of those hats fit me well. oh well, just be cool and dont stress urself out. Especially over other peoples drama!!

my confession

Writing is like running: it must be practiced to retain the skill. If you don't exercise it, soon you'll start thinking: what's the sense? you'll forget the joy and good feelings that came from it.

This blog was meant for the deep thoughts i dare not share with others. i think that made me not write on my blog for a while.

i made a preconceived criteria that i had to be going through sumthin BAD or sumthin i was ashamed to tell someone face-to-face in order to post. NOT FAIR! especially if i hadnt been through some major crisis. + i have learned to not dwell and wallow in the bad stuff. "Woe is me". that's so out of style!! Im over it! onwards and upwards.

Promiscuity...

*I took a semester off of work just so I could take afternoon naps.* (I am not ashamed. I feel less stressed if I spend my days in an alternate universe/state of mind. I think an altered state of mind caused by sleep is better than an altered state of stupor from drugs. Sleep is MY drug!)


-I date men who can't commit because I can't commit. but I don't feel bad now when I make them fall in love with me. Well, I feel for it to be fair, I just have to make sure I don't blame them for releasing the hold I have on them any way they possibly can. Now this doesn't excuse the behavior of any treatment I feel is disrespectful from any man. He will be told if he steps out of line. Usually its something of his doing because he doesnt know how to formulate those feelings and emotions into words. I just take advantage of that.


But i admit this because I am afraid of myself sometimes. I must keep busy in order to not slip back into the person that makes me not like myself. I said no sex and vowed to it because I know how I can get when it comes to me satisfying the carnal side of me while disregarding the part that deals with the relationship part of a man. I have been SOOO good with that decision of not having sex... until i met this guy. Then we went back and forth with liking each other then taking a break from each other to cool things off. I followed his lead, but that wasnt enough for him to realize I was a heartbreaker. I guess he was used to being the one in charge of his emotions that he didn't realize he met his match with me. (hey, I warned him that I'll make him fall in love with me! "All fair in love and war")


I have decided that somethings gotta give. I dont want to be in a relation ship but I want sex sometimes. It reminds me of something a friend said to me when I told her I had Sangria and an ice cream sandwich for dinner. She told me that I was an alcoholic cuz I drank alone. Preposterous! Absurd! Ridiculous! Just because I'm single and I don't always hang out with people every waking moment, im going to deny myself alcohol? I feel the same when it comes to sex (sometimes). Just cuz Im single, i cant have sex? I believe in self love, but just as drinking by yourself, theres something about drinking with other people, the comraderie, the bonding, the sharing and connecting that comes from experiencing that with someone makes it exxxtra special! So it is with sex!


So what does that mean? I must keep in mind what I've been through before when i had the intentions to "just get mine" and how long it took for me to get over the embarrassment of that lifestyle choice when i told those guys that i was thru and they wouldnt get the hint that i was done. There is no true anonymity like I wish. But then again... I still have those contacts of the guys that knew me those many moons ago. Will they see me as hypocrites then? I just KNEW i was a different person! lol! I just knew it wasn't me anymore. It's not how i wanted to be associated. men dont care. once a freak, always a freak. how naive of me to ever doubt them. Women are no better than men because they may be a bit better at supressing their physical needs. they are who they are and they aren't ashamed. me? im just in denial. I dont want a double life. i dont want to be more personalities but i dont know anything other than being virtuous and true and clean and pure and then the other thing. I know the other can be held above my head. the test is to resist it. but the question is what is my reward for resist? or am i a fool and it really is a matter of time before I regress? relapse?

I'm Done!!! For now!

Chillin, sittin on my blu couch sippin on some Sangria...
Oh so grateful that I am OUT of school! This semester was one of the hardest!

I knew i would make it, but gawd dawg, if it wasn't a struggle!

Maintainin that A grade...

I finished my finals Friday and Saturday, then celebrated at my friends Bachelorette Party!
I needed that release...

I think love and relationships is a chemistry, no a gamble, no a dance? I dunno. It's an interesting sometimes complex sometimes simple thing. When do you say go to the next round? What makes the next one want to push off or get closer? I give but I don't commit. I... the knowledge of knowing that I can be with anyone I want and fall in love and stay committed forever isn't enough to give me the determination and or heart to try it out. Especially if I don't know my partner feels the same way. What about that fight? Crossroads come up sometimes and I'm faced with a make-or-break scenario. This would be a great time to have a crystal ball. Who knows that by me acting non- challant will be perceived as being cold and stand-offish. Who knows that by me not expressing my sincere desire to be with him will confirm his fears that I don't really want to be with him. Sometimes I am too afraid to just say what I want in fear of rejection that I remain quiet and slowly dictate the exact opposite of what I want. Sometimes i remain quiet and then the true outcome is just what I feared would happen. Sometimes two people in a relationship are too much. I don't want to say what I feel because I don't know if he will get scared and back off. Like there's no other answer than NO! You want to be serious. I don't, but I still like you. I think we should break up because I've somehow misled you to have stronger feelings than you have. Or I am now intimidated because i don't want to be with you and the only other option is seriousness which means marriage and I don't ever want to be married. Just go woth the guy. I had a good run with o. bad with d, so far with rio it's been okay. I've been progressing with him and not ahead of him. Follow his lead and not read into certain things he says cuz until he is direct and up front and has a conversation with me than I will not assume anything. The problem with d. read into it and took that as a sign to move forward. Actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions. Words are fillers. So filter the bullshit out. Don't throw it away, just put it on the back burner. Then think about some things i've said just to see his reaction. Like the time about marriage. He said he didn't think it would work for his friend. Especially since he said "for real this time". Anywho, I expressed my thought that one person till the day I die may be impossible. He says, he thinks it doable. I said don't get me wrong, I am not a wedding basher. I am a romantic and believe in people being committed partners but I don't know if it would happen to me (tragic). I'm looking at it all wrong.
stand-offish

I will be back. Just give me a moment to clear my throat and my thoughts.