Sunday, May 02, 2010

Highly Sensitive Person

It is about me. I need to address head-on the pure fact that I am highly sensitive. i had a strong aversion to the word SENSITIVE... OMG! Who wants to be labeled as that? I cried at times in school when I was overwhelmed, yeah, so? I always was a lovey-dovey kid growing up. I was trusting and what not. I didn't like loud noises, and could never go to sleep as a kid (maybe because my parents stayed up so late and the noise bother me... maybe living in NYC on the avenue where its constantly loud). Now a days I need time to myself where I am alone and detached so I can calm down and get my thoughts together. I sleep a lot because I am tired a lot (my guess is because my brain is working overtime and it is tired).

So for a long time, I have tried to change that about myself because all I could see are the negative aspects... I have effectively learned how to cut off my emotions from things, which is denying myself of my emotions and not even addressing the sensitivity. That, I assume, is what creates my anxiety.

Let me define HSP: a person born with a nervous system genetically designed to process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly.

For example: I smell gas leaks... I am the queen at picking out the ripest fruit because of my uncanny smell-ability... I can pick out oh, so, subtle differences in things visually... I get overwhelmed with too many things going on at once... I have intuition-type thoughts about people I know... I love hard but am afraid of intimacy... I pick up on peoples moods...

Well, I have been seeing a counselor and I feel that after my grandma died in December that I:

-cant go on living like "this" (i will get to this)
-deserve to be in a loving relationship
-am preventing myself from being happy if I so choose to be.

Now, when I say I can't go on living like "this" I didnt realize this until yesterday what i have been battling. Two traits about myself are separate, but at times they are at conflict with each other. I am highly sensitive, meaning my senses are very fine tuned, which makes me very tired from processing so much data I am absorbing from my environment. I also am a High Sensation Seeker (HSS). I get bored easily, I love taking risks, I love trying new things. But thats were the problem is... I was supposed to hang out at 2 different places Friday after work, but after the first place, I was so tired and wired up on the fact that I was being stared at all evening by two coworkers, I was mentally exhausted. I drove to the second venue and couldn't even get myself out of the car. I drove away towards home and realized how much of an idiotic reason for driving off was!! I forgot my sweater at work and I didn't want to have to worry about anyone else staring at me. I really wanted to go but I know that I was mentally drained for the day and it would have turned out bad if I pushed myself. I at first felt it was detrimental because I really needed to go to this QnA with the Bishop from my church, but beating myself up wasn't going to make me turn back around. I immediately accepted the fact that I couldn't hang and that is a blessing because I have to be sure I address why I feel conflicted so I am aware and not feeling bad becasue I don't understand why I am uncomfortable.

Friday night I decided to do something productive since I was done woth people for the day, so I called a freind and bought my vacation package. I was talking to my friend and I explained to her the counselor told me I was insecure... and I explained to her that I am not! I don't care what other people think of me. You can tell becasue I carry myself that way. But at the very same time, my senses are on overload when I walk into a crowded room because I notice people noticing me. Its not that I care that they are. I just know they are becasue I am so in tune with thier body language towards me, their facial expressions, how their eyes move, and those things most people ignore. I unintentionally pick up on the cues. So she reminded me of a time that I believed I am highly sensitive and offered the book back that I gave her. I told her don't worry aobut it and set out for the library the next day. I found a book called The Highly Sensitive Person in Love and I read it all night Saturday night into Sunday morning. Now I woke up 6 am this morning and immediately jumped back on this subject. I want healing.

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