Saturday, October 22, 2016

I reclaimed myself. Found that it was there, just put it on the shelf temporarily. Keep forgetting I can't run away from it. I can't neglect it because it's like walking around without your skin. As much as you itch and you want to take it off to rest a while, it is not that it isn't worth living, but it is your entire reason for still being alive.

Though it seems like a burden, you have to reframe your perception and find the gratitude once again.

I did that last night. My bones were aching, my ankles, knees throbbing. Muscles twitching. Broke out in a cold sweat. Slept for 12 hours in my fleece blanket with the air purifier on. Thought I was "healing myself". It didn't work. I woke up more sore, more stiff, and then something clicked... "Keep searching", i thought.

Radically, I went outside in the rain with the dog, she chased leaves, while we skurried to the coffe shop. We got there drenched but happy. I cant remember the last time I sang, skipped, and laughed in the rain. The dog loved the rain gutters and biting the torrential water cascading off of the roofs. I laughed out loud.

I got a free dark chocolate double espresso. The dog got free rubs from the customers. We walked back and then I realized, I pressed pause on myself because I thought that's what I do to find work-life balance. That's not it. I realized I've been doing it right all along: integrate ME, MYSELF, and I into the world and unapologetically embody myself.

Pushback comes from others when there is confusion. I will not make sense to everyone, but I make sense to myself, and that's enough for me.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Truth versus reality.

--->In all honesty, I long for the days where my biggest fear was that I wouldn't find one person who would love me.
       >---In all reality, I finally realized that everyone loves some part of me. I'm the one who doesn't allow myself to love the whole me... all at the same time.

--->In all honesty, I long for the days where I missed my mom because I wanted to complain.
      >---In all reality, I miss her because I want to include her in my future and use her vision to help mold me into the legacy my family is to leave.

--->In all honesty, I wish I could be content as a stay-at-home furmom.
      >---In all reality, I want to find a way to work for free and want nothing.

--->In all honesty, I'm tired of hearing people complain about trivial superficial things when the rest of the world is burning...
      >---In all reality, I have a strong desire to want everyone to open their eyes to realize that if we

work together to fulfill our current needs, across the board, we will all be able to rise together in the

end (with unimaginable ideas of what it means to be content, those which we cannot even fathom

today because we are so programmed to fit into the construct our civilization currently is in.)

That is all.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Running after Death

Yesterday was the first day I ran for 3 miles.. after my ankle being on the mend. It was successful. I am sore today, but with my cross training, i should be fine when it comes to recovery. I even bought some running tights that aids in keeping the knee muscles in alignment. I also am starting a running "dream" book of sorts. I want to add the things i will be using, doing, needing and preventing for this running season. So far I also created a spreadsheet to track my vitamin intake. I am CONVINCED that my vitamin deficiency was what was contributing to the constant pain in my ankle. Since I started my Vitamin D therapy a month ago, I feel more energetic and I dont have a f\physical depression. Iron Vitamin D were down. Makes sense. Now I am on the way to recovery and on the way to running after the death of my anxiety, after the death of my mom and grandma. I am in a better place and I want to be able to enjoy the activities that I normally do. I know that without the self doubt and angst I used to carry around like luggage, this training season will be different. I will treat myself like I am my own coach. I will have good music and good inspiring pictures, images, and people that will give me the strength, courage, motivation. I want to make sure I share this record with myself so I can go to this later, tweek it if something didnt work, or things like that.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

im ttired of looking to everyone else to tell me whats wrong with me an how to fix it. its in me. iknow. tired of it.

in spite of my mess. i am thankful for my life. I will get through it. God bless me.

Unwavering steadfast determination to succeed. Love

why cant i balance my life?

what is it that makes me go from life being good? where is the balance board midle? why cant i keep there? what sparks me sliding towards the end where I feel like falling off?

is it too much of a good thing thinking things will b better for ever? amnesia of how life really is?

is it overburening of everyone issues on me?

is it not keeping up with the self love?

is it enjoying the peace too much?

is it something I will ever figure out in this lifetime?

have I been here before?


why when panic sets in, control is lost over the thing most feared of being taken away?

Focus on the thing you are afraid of losing and it will happen. law of attraction. wherever your thought, so will your energy go.

Its never too late to change

the older we get the more effed up our lives seem. not everyone...
the older we get the more things seem to fall into place. not everyone...

The thing is the oler we get, the more experiences we have that are the product of our patterns of behavior.

If you have good healthy behaviors, then they will build on themselves and positivity will increase.

Same for the unhealthy behaviors, patters, coping mechanisms. everything feeds off of everything. Nothing is isolated. Everything is connected. You will see the consequences of something seemingly minute as a bad childhood, witness to parents who were abusive, being spoiled as a child, early childhood sicknesses. these things are what mold our actions. We get stuck in a holing pattern we learn early on that should have been a temporary defense mechanism and everything in our life explodes. why? because that plug you used to stop the water from coming through was only supposed to last for a bit. it had a shelf life of, oh say 5 months but you've been going at the same route for 15 years.

Monday, December 27, 2010

doing it right 1

I been making booboos. so no more lectures... no more asking other men before him... especially dont tell him if i did but just dont do it... dont get him better gifts than he gets me. if he asks about the kinect then it was for vanessa and i wanted someone to get the points... plus i figure he could use them. so far those have been my transgressions as of recent... more to follow

Sunday, December 12, 2010

What does it say about me that i keep exuating yoga to sex? i guess i feel free during sex and thats when i have the most concentratiion on me 100%. anyway i fovused on the pain and WATCHED IT like they said and i hbave the choice to either resist it or let it release. i let it released and encouraged myself to move past to get to where i needed to be. soon ii was passing the pain. i get caught up sometimes and though it doesnt take away from the feeling it just doesznt allow me to enjoy the feeling nor make it buil aapon itself. most impoortantly... keep moving. keep digging deep. was i digging? i felt the joy from succeeding... i allowed myself to feel that the next process was to encourage myself. u alreadty know how the pain feels, but wait it gets better. u already now how the pressure feels. u understand the focus needs to be there. dont be a rusher. focus your mind 100 percent. not 85.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


at first i thought this could be a massage but i dont deserve a massage so i could do her the favor of focusing on where she was touching. pain is not for you to pop a pill. it is meant for your attention to be focused. so i focused on every part she touched. not to be mindful to relaxm bt cuz thats what she said in class.

where your mind goes, your energy follows. help me help you.

focus on my heels, back of ankles: when i feel the pain, it releases joy and elation. my emotions want to feel elation and happiness. releif. i equate to excitement, i want to cry. like i am being played with in a sensual way.

when my feet the soles are pushed down, it feels like more relief of emotions. letting go the feelings, feel the feet. focused. the brain is more engaged with the body. not as much crying but like hugs of relief. whenn she was stepping on my feet, i felt i saw her into me. i saw herprobing me telling me to relax. focus. focus. focus. let it go. and i felt chills because of the power it meant the symbol of the power of her soles on mysoles. stomach - soles - soles - stomach. she is not absorbing. she is relaying to me and teaching me the steps. exhale and let go. i felt humbled.

when i focus on my chest. at first i was breathing real deep... my breaths were labored, exaggerated... in, chest rise, out, chest fall. but she said focus on my chest!! so i focused on my chest and i realized finally that... well i didnt realize, once i stopped thinking to focus on my chest and my midn focused on my chest. my shoulders felt the tension ad sthrted to release. once i saw that my body knew what to do, my mind started helping it. i focused on breathing.

then she said feel your ribcages. i was still chest breathing... only chest, not shoulders or neck or head and it took a while, but finally i was in my ribcage. i as in my mind was my ribcage. my body told my mind that my head is not my ribcage and started relaxing. soon only my ribcage was engaged.i wsas excited. my emotions are so hyped that thats where i start focusing on. she said accept 100% thats only when you can move.

when she was done. i felt i was about to lift up to the sky but she put her hands on my chest and stomach. so i focused on bher hands cuz my body was no longer there. i was in my mind. my mind realized my body was stiff. the world was so calm and still. i felt warmth through my core. and it felt good. i could equate it to sex. like when you are not about to come, but when your mind is focused on your female parts down there and nothing else in the world matters. there is no world. there is no thinking there is just stillness. there isthis peace that is a focused peace. theres one thing when peace is perceived to come to you you but when your mind creates peace and tranquility. i have never experienced that and soon i was experiencing joy from it and i started panicing. cuz i was telling myself not to feel my emotions. they were getting in the way of my mind and body. but as soon as i tried to choke the emotions, i started panicking. i couldnt breath and i wanted to jump up. i went back to focus on the peace and it was still there THANKFULLY! Aand i tried to focus on that because peace is the opposite of panic. i told myself stop thinking and started focusing on her hands once again which brought me back to the calm tranquil stillness that my mind was at. i dont know if i was panicking because i have never been so focused on nothing in my life! i would equate it to feeling horny... like your mind is focused on your body when you are getting aroused. you cant ignore your body and so you start to foucs on that.

i dont know if that is a good explanation but thats what i experienced.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

use or lose

Move move move.

Gotta get up. gottttaa get GOING... Much better than ups and downs of caffeine. no down. regular tiredness... lots of yawning but mind, not body, wants to actively engage in things. to be productive. at night, no problems sleeping. tired but still ok to do chores that ought to be done.

Use or lose.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

they say make lemonade when life gives you lemons.
what happens when you hate lemonade, lemon tart, lemon pie, lemon meringue , lemon candy, lemon jello, lemon juice?

What happens when all the advice you get is so past where you are you feel pathetic for rejecting the good advice your friends are trying to tell you? why?

im not there yet. it will be a very long time for me to get to the fact that i am going to miss my mom, my sister's family, my dad, my grandma, my relationship with mmy grandpa, and the stability that comes with a solid structure of a family regardless of how dysfunctional it is.

God I pray you shake me out of this i am stuck in. this is not me nor do I want to spend another second like this. it is sickeningly comfortable and yet itchy like a snake ready to shed. I have overgrown it and am ready to get to life as the blank slate it is. all I have is my past and the thoughts of the present and my dreams of the future. Please guide me in the right direction. I dont know it all. I dont want to make things worse because life is already tumultuous. One more rock and the boat will flip. Tomorrow whend I wake, dear Lord, guide me in the right path to take care of me. Please allow me to open my heart to let in more people that are willing and able to take care of me like I take care of my friends. I need a mentor, a mother, a grandmother and cannot imagine life without someone there to be proud of my endeavors and achievements like they were. God I thank you for my grandfather. I love him and am blessed to have him in my life. Amen.
it is within the depths of my soul i carry...
...insurmountable sadness that cannot be overcome...
...sorrow with no depth that can be measured...
...guilt and shame which can never be washed away...
...anger and rage too afraid to express for fear of total loss of control...
...hopelessness that while fleeting has ability to capsize the whole psyche...
...a sense of defeat with no energy to rebuild the life and mentality I once had.

Life will never be the same.
I will never be the same.

I will be better.

Out of ashes rises the phoenix.

Out of pressure comes the diamond.

Most importantly out of my tattered and broken self arises a new born spirit with the knowledge, wisdom, hard-learned lessons that will guide me for the rest of my life.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

just sitting here

Im in carolina ale house drinkin blue moon Chatting with the waitress brittnay from time to time. today is cynthias birthday. life is good and it gets better every moment. today i woke up hung over and dehydrated. i fed winnie in the bedroom while i looked out the window. no drugs in my system a smile crept across my face. i didnt know where it came from nor did i want to know. i was just happy that despite i was feeling the hangover and all tired and poopy with a lot of things ahead of me for the day and unnessecary drama in the near future, i knew everything would be alright. the meds were out of my system at that point so i knew it came from my soul. god always blesseed me with the optimism of renewed life and second chances everyday. rejoice and revel in the simplistic happiness and joy that come spontaneously and at a fleeting moment. they are the reminders for when the road is rough. a gem to pull out of your memory to carry you through The rough times and on to the next moment whether good or bad.