Sunday, May 30, 2010

All you need is love

Giving is futile when you don't know your source.

For a while, I gave but was frustrated when I wasn't getting the results I was expecting. I need to know the source of my wanting to give and change the product. Why am I giving things when I want affection back? Why am I giving time when I want items back.

I watch with envy at that black lady that takes care of others from this bottomless pit of love and I cannot tap into mine. It is within me, i am on my journey to find its source. I don't know why she is black. Or a lady. She just is.

Is love the answer to everything?

Now, dont get me wrong, I don't want to become the woman that ends up with a house full of people, children pets and neglects herself! No, because I KNOW that is an unbalanced mix. You should not neglect yourself because the subtle message portrayed to others is wrong: Do for others before yourself. They learn the habit of the same thing, which breeds resentment because a lot of other people that are not well-meaning will take advantage.

Then, there's that white man with all the time in the world to focus almost all his attention on the task at hand. The ability to be one hundred percent engaged in his actions presently. He will let tomorrow or the next moment take care of itself and he is not worried one bit nor putting his efforts to be there in his mind. I don't know why he is white. Or a man. He just is.

Every moment we live is a ritual of love. I, we must take care of ourselves and if that means be present during laundry, then do the laundry 100% in love. Acts of love for myself. Those chores I do not like to do, including cleaning my car, stretching, laundry cooking, cleaning the bathroom, driving in traffic, these are acts of love, and gifts of life that I should be so grateful to be able to experience. I need to be humble and grateful because as cliche as it sounds, 'be thankful for what you have' is something you have to do, but cant if you lack in love for yourself.

Without enough love for yourself, you don't believe you deserve the things you have, or have been through. When that happens, even a small compliment you get from people, you are doubting the validity or truth of it because by allowing yourself to believe it means you deserve it and you are worthy. Love yourself.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud; it is not rude; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trust. It always hopes, and always perseveres.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I think too much time is wasted on things that have little or no importance., or just are in place to keep us busy. Not that they have no importance, but not for such amount of energy. Like politics. In my average day, month, year, and for a lot of other people, politics isn't discussed but around time for voting. So manypeople use it and other things such as TV, video games, drug use, obsessions, and "hobbies" to occupy their brains and times. There's such an abundance of "things" that can make us be so preoccupied that we never make time for ourselves to sit down and have a natual reflection of ourselves.

Grandma, I miss you.

Grandma, I got to hug her in my dream. We had a meeting, but mainly it was me grandma grandpa and mommy and mommy wanted her to come back. Because she missed her terribly. So grandma was saying: see, the thing we were going to say is grandma was going to come back because a “man” really needed her and loved her and she really loved him. But she explained, it’s true. A man, not my husband, but Jesus, really does need me and love me, she laughed. And I need him and I love him. So it is a true statement, just not the man you’re thinking. This is why I need to stay in heaven.

How to be a Best Seller

As artists, entrepreneurs, businessmen and businesswomen in the “people” industry, we have to be solid yet transparent enough with our product that our customers see themselves in us. Like if we were to stand in front of a mirror facing our customer that was looking into the mirror. You don’t want to totally block their view of the product with yourself, but you want them to see themselves veiled and packaged in you.
Indifferent: what people feel when there are no emotional receptors for the situation. Not necessarily no opinion all of the time, but usually it translates to: well which side are you on? Left or right? I am indifferent about it. Because I don’t feel strongly or emotionally about the situation.

Black: emotional protection, balance of emotional detatchment

I was going to see pups after church one day but decided to go check out a helt foods store. Well, they had flower essences and a lady working there was able to talk to me about it. I was in the process of reading the book The One-Day Detox Diet and it had those things in the back. Weird place for that, and I had no idea what it was. Considering I just came back from church, I was well aware of people around me and being mindful of negative things and people. I was watching out for it and knew where it was so I avoided it if I could. Sometimes curiosity will make me stay so here’s a situation I ran into that had me feeling very depleted of being around people and thus vulnerable for any other attacks.

The lady at the store looked at my cross, watched me, and kept touching my arm when we talked. But because of her willingness to put out extra information than I asked, I was aware that she was trying to get on my good side, or make friendly with me so I could warm up to her. I am learning to warm up to people without my emotions having to feel their emotions. But as soon as she came up to me, wanting to be extra nice, I was defensive. This is what made me pay attention to her more, without really caring how it went. And with her, I thought about how detached I was. She was talking and what I did was stop, take myself out of the “me and her” conversation and looked around the store mentally. I mentally checked out of the conversation on certain occasions, still listening to what she was saying. She was trying to get something out of me. She was doing this by giving me tons of useful education and insider tips on the flowers. Most people say that maybe she was doing her job, but she was “flirting” with me, per se… I told her about how I knew nothing about the essences and she explained to me some things. The fact is I don’t know any thing about that stuff. I feel that Jesus, my spirituality knows when something is off. I don’t know if those essences are used and in what capacity. I know God created flowers. But I can say the same thing about weed, and other medicines. People abuse things all the time. But at the same time, I drink flowers ALL DAY! So maybe I am abusing flowers, just not the ones that they sell in those bottles.

She checked out my chain: my gold Cross that grandma gave me, and I caught her on the side of my eye. I saw this because her gaze at it was very purposeful. She, like men trying to get a good glance at your chest or ass, waited until I turned my head away from her (which I did on purpose) then when I slowly turned my head back to her, her eyes immediately looked back up into my face. So who cares that you are checking out my necklace? Why be so secretive? She was looking everywhere else on my face and body while I talked to her when we first met. (kind of like what I do when I meet people). Anyway, her necklace was a black stone. Now it was pretty if it was just a normal necklace, but the important glare she made with my necklace made me feel that her necklace meant a lot more to her. It made me wonder: What kind of person would represent themselves with a black stone by their heart? And I am sure most people would say that it’s just a necklace, but we can say the same thing about random people, average people, But this lady is very sensitive to her surroundings, environment, and her affect on people. Here’s what I know about her: She knows she is influential and for her age (about 65, though she acted as if she was 22) and to be dabbling so much into things that are of psychic and empathic nature, she knows what feelings can be gleaned through the black stone. Even if I don’t, I know she does. She is manipulative and doesn’t care who knows because she was telling me that she uses things on her boss. She sprays certain essences in the air for him to feel and smell and to change his attitude. I won’t say she is evil or bad. I did not get that from her. That is the good thing. I did not feel like she was a bad energy, just a strong psychic energy that was penetrating and a little to curious.

So anyway, I explained to her that I didn’t see the difference of alchemy all that bad stuff and flower essence and she gave me (with a naughty look on her face) a book recommendation, which I did not want to read because it didn’t sound good. The thing is I explained to her my disdain for the bad ways and she decides to suggest a book about a girl that… not always did good. That was the first thing she did, try to give advice on what someone doesn’t want to hear. Something that goes against what they said they didn’t like. She was constantly touching me too, throughout the conversation. At the end, I left and went to see the puppies and I was so put off by it that I had to look at them and left. I was so in tune with the negative mother with her indifferent children and husband that I had to go. I went home, and I think I talked to Vanessa after that but I was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. Just tired and not right feeling.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Dear Anthony,

I look back at what we had. I grieve over how it ended and how I acted and not knowing how to change things, paralyzed with going forward and being ashamed that I didn't know if I wanted to. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if we were together.

But more so, the nightmares and dreams throughout the years of rejection and indifference from you are what resonate more clearly, vividly and frequently (clearly not from any way you acted towards me in real life). Those dreams are the key to healing myself. If I am so marred and by my own actions that even my dreams haunt and betray me, I can only imagine what affect it played on you.

I am truly sorry and I believe my sincere apology should have been relayed to you much, much sooner. Unfortunately my comfort for the pattern of not getting too close to people is a defense mechanism I unconsciously was addicted to.

I was distancing myself from the people that cared about me most, partly because I felt I didn't deserve it. The self-perceived nurturing I didn't think my parents, more so my mom, gave me had a huge affect on how I thought others should love me. My mentality was if she didn't show she cared by calling writing or maintaining some kind of correspondence and symbols of love, I somehow believed that it was something I did and in turn, was not lovable. I felt, especially with you, if people get to know the real me, then they would want to leave too.

It is only recently I have been able to admit it in writing, let alone out loud.. I know it is not true and am actively unweaving this and other untruths out of my psyche. Being with you, I was able to love my self more; you forced me to pay attention to my own body and soul.

Some tragic events recently took place that has made me face many things about myself. If I am not honest with others, I am not being honest with myself.

A lot has happened since we were. I know you were and are destined for great things, as I am. I pray for you, it seems sometimes, more than for my family. The prayer I pray is for the mending and healing for you of all the wrong that I did.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Me, in a nutshell.

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism
the overpowering necessity to create, create, create —
so that without the creating of music
or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning,
his very breath is cut off from him.
He must create, must pour out creation.
By some strange, unknown, inward urgency
he is not really alive unless he is creating."

Pearl Buck

Thursday, May 13, 2010


It's been a while since I've noticed that I've seen the shadows. THey are there. I just don't dwell on them nor am I scared nervous or preoccupied when I see them. My grandma, when she died, dissipated and I absorbed her energy...

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
Psalm 27:1

Sadness like the tide on a beach

I am close to crying. I read a book. I knew it was sad after I found out what it was but I am part of a book club. I feel compelled to assimilate.

I did not like the book because the story was sad and the inspiration behind the story was worse. It lingers. it seeps into my cup of sadness I've been holding on to and now my cup runneth over.

It's been a rough week and I am already sad because of all the friends I will miss when I leave my company. I put my two weeks notice in. It was very difficult. i have been wanting to leave for a year but I could not make myself go anywhere else because of all the wonderfully real and flawed people I met and became my family. Two years went by. Now its time to go. Oh, my aching heart, why have you let them in?

God, tomorrow will be hard. Its my very last day working with T and my work husband. Then I have a week by myself and my work mom. Oh will we cry. I will tomorrow. I am right now. I love them. This is hard.

drive for 45 minutes to work with no radio.

Bad things happen. It just does. I have been experiencing great joy as well as sorrow and despair all in a day. God, bless me with the heart and strength to survive it all.

I drove to work today. The sky was slowly awakening, grey and barely illuminated. It was a blanket over the roads, the sky scrapers, the trees, the houses, the freeways and bypasses.

I was instantly transformed to my childhood several realities and ages in one space: where I was that very moment. Nature all around, me in my head, dawn awakening, cloudy morning, moving forward in a vehicle... all of a sudden those constants were the string that held my memories and emotions together all these years. I recall such a joy I had to just be. Be in the moment as a kid looking out the bus window watching everything go by so quickly. Everything before my eyes just whizzed by into a big blur. Wow, how much indescribable joy to be able to watch the powerlines race the train you were riding.

Looking back, i remember going places with the family but actually remember the act of going places. I would look out the window and watch the sun with utter delight race me home in the car. I would press my face against the window trying to feel its warmth as the sun was slowly setting. I would look out for hours, a little sad when trees would separate the two of us. But relieved when there would be a break and the sun was shining full force.

It was so simple then, and I can get it back now. It was so simple and pure and beautiful and loving and natural it makes me want to cry. It was a world I shared with noone. Just me and the sun, my best friend, my love.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

When you have problems, SWOT IT!!


Need to be completed... TBC...

Master Contact without contamination

What it means to me.

Contact without contaminiation.
When it comes to people I am fond of, there are times I know the gradual increase in friendship may take a nasty turn for the worse. I must know the boundaries and fortify them so that all parties in the friendship will remain unscathed. How do I interact with that person without anything going bad, because we people are a lot more influential than we care to be. Others are a lot more weak than they realize.... so for affairs of the heart, and because it is very easy for me to be sharing with my feelings and emotions, and not always appropriate. Here is a good guide for me to follow.

1.Do not express emotional connections I have
2. Avoid exciting, intimate, or arousing situations in the company of "attractive" others
3. Acknowledge my infatuation with certain temperments (opposites attract)
4. Dont be intimate with anyone who makes it clear they are available for emotional relationship
5. Do be sure to NOT ignore your impulses. Feel the feelings and try to understand why I feel I need to be in this persons presence. This is a good time for finding out where I need balance.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Celebrate Good Times Come On!!

i have great news! Life is good and things are falling in to place. The now is looking great! I have every right to be happy and celebrate my good fortune!

Too many times when good things have happened to me I was so prepared for a blow that would knock me off the top of the hill, I didnt ever look up to enjoy the view! Enjoy the fruit of my labor. Something I used to believe in is "Uh, oh, something is good, well, in no time, the bad will be right behind" well thats no way to enjoy and be appreciative.

It's just like enjoying compliments. I don't care if bad things will happen, thats how life is. But I don't have to allow the future to affect my current mood. Its like being in a bad mood on a Sunny day because its going to rain tomorrow. Make the most of it while you are living in the moment!!!

Dear God, I am so grateful for the things you have blessed me with. Please forgive me for not having faith in knowing that you have equipped me to handle the harmful things that will come my way. Please continue to help me realize that everything I need I already have. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Wow. So I got some issues ukn the intimacy department. I'm too old to
keep going like this because I realize the right guy that comes along I
may not be ready for because I haven't gotten my ibyimacy and fear
issues worked out. I am dedicated to myself because I am of no help to
others if I cannot see past my own problems. I want to keep in contact
with him as a friend and I really like him but am realistic ont the
fact that I or he may not be ready for each other at the same time. I'm
not ready for a commitment but I want him. Not gonna work so I'm gonna
work on my issues.

Adult Attachment

I went to the counselor and he told me that i should get a pet, a puppy, or work with little children because I have a tendency to place my worth in the love of a relationship.

I wasn't pissed, but very dissatisfied with his response. I don't think getting a puppy would be the end all- be all for this. So i recently came across an article explaining about how to realize you are enmeshed in relationships: So I have been studying the fact that my emotional needs as a child were not met and therefore, I don't have secure attachment when it comes to intimate relationships.

So, I think I actually hit the range of enmeshed attachment and dismissive attachment. I will be researching more on the subject. It's time for healing. I don't need to have a relationship with my mother and father in order to be a loving successful person happily married. I will study hard on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and work my fanny off.

I will point out the flaws I am too well at fallign back on and figuring out what I should/have done before.


Theres a little girl that has uncoondituonal trust in everyone. She has love for everyone and no reason to fear people. Something is different in her brain when it comes to oxytocin..o

Love 101

I need to learn how to love unconditionally and fearlessly. that Innocent love like children and puppies.

Look in the mirror unashamed.

Don't deny it. Don't deny it. Don't deny it. Be honest and true to yourself. I love. I don't allow myself to love hard. Because I am afraid of how strong the force is. I have absolutely no idea just how strong it is. I don't know how brilliant and bright and shiny it is so I keep it covered. I don't want to attract the reight people. I know that and I have for some time. Thats why I am so steadfast in my selection process of friends. I feel like willow on Buffy. I am something and I dont even know it. I get a little confused in our sessions because he is talking to me a certain way that I do or don't get. I dont get it but at the same time I get it. It's been a long time since someone has confused me so much. especially about myself. But i need to be honest to myself. I have so much love that I dont know what to do with it. My love overflows to the point that I have joy. I feel like my love can be support to others and motivation. I have a desire for people to do good in thier lives. I believe in everybody. I have the conviction that everyone in this world can succeed if they so choose. The more control I show, the more i realize that bad things are more focused. More with purpose. I must be getting to something valuable. I must be getting hotter. I feel like every year every day every hour every second I am growing and my knowledge and wisdom is expounding. It is one thing to be knowledgeable but wisdom comes when you have the restraint to exercise the knowledge. Love is elusive. Love the definition is elusive. I feel like I am a power source and my recharge is alone time. i need that. I want to find other ways to recharge besides going to my sisters house. I am honest with myself. I am emotional. I am an emotional person. I am rational. I am a rational person. I am grounded. I am a grounded person. I am lovable. I am a lovable person. I am sane. I am a sane person. I am royal. I am a royal person. I will not get a tattoo. It is not for me. I am not that. Jesus loves me. I love me. It's okay to be emotional. It is okay to show emotions. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be happy. It is okay that I get sad in the winter. It is even better that I can admit that and know that I can separate my emotions from the weather. I know this winter was very difficult on me. I feel that I was growing a lot. I feel like I need to plan instead of reacting. I didnt have a clue that it was going to be such a bad blizzard except my body reacting. But I now know that if I am ever in the situation, running away is not the answer. Leaving the house during a blizzard isnt the smartest thing to do. I realized that when my body reacted the way it didl I am okay with crying. It is not okay to surpress my feelings. I need to show them to myself. I had a wonderful experience with Al Asad. It was ground-breaking. I appreciate the soul-searching. i know Leish doesn't really believe that she is scared of me. She is playing an act. She is intimidated of me. I am God. I love God. We all have God in us. God is through my fingertips. Down to the souls of my feet. I miss my grandma. That is self-love. To be able to recognize the God in yourself. I have a lot fo thoughts that I need to work out. I need to do this more often. Whenever I feel anxiety, i will writh/type whatever is on my mind. If it means I get to a point that I cry, so be it. I am confused about a lot of thisngs in my life. I am not happy wht the fact that my Grandma died because I feel that I have been waiting when I am ready to get started on some things that my grandmother knew about. I feel lost but I know I am not. She is with me and I have her strenght in my bones and her life in my blood. Her knowledge and wisdom in my head, her gentleness in my handds, her fortitude in my stomach, her patience in my hips, her strength in my shoulders. I was happy as a kid to just get to being older. Dunno i knew that things would be so great at that point but I knew that I am destined to be there and I will be happy. I will be in a great place when I am older. I can't wait until I am older. That is what doesn't scare me about getting older. But I know i have a lot to learn and a lot of trials to go through before I get there. These are necessary because I can't build a chimney without a floor. I am in such a search for truth in myself that I seek that from my friends. I know I push them to be honest with theirselves but its because I need them to call me out and do the same thing. Same thing that Angela does. I want to not be the only one that is doing the right thing. but its okay becasue I am unique. It's such a blessing to know that when I felt I was at my most weakest state that somebody saw me as poised and a calming spirit. I was nurturing myself back into the health that I need to ge tback to. I thought I did bad because I was at such a sensitve state that day. I guess that I was so beat down that day that I really had no more pretenses that got in my way. I really felt that when I was talking to her I was kind of

Words to look up:

Lessons I've learned: Don't apologize.

Heart tells on you

When I am stressed, I think I have some thoughts and emotions I am surpressing. My heart starts jumping. I know that it does it for things that are inconsequential, so I have told myself now that if my heart starts racing, I need to stop what I am doing and start writing my thoughts down.

I successfully did that a few days ago... and I like the progress. I wrote about me, my grandma and some stuff that has been swirling in my head for the past few days. I will post it. I cried when I wrote it. I just let it out even though I was at work. and not ashamed of who would see because I know I am going to be a better, well rounded, grounded person because I can show my emotions. On the road to recovery.

Highly Sensitive Person

It is about me. I need to address head-on the pure fact that I am highly sensitive. i had a strong aversion to the word SENSITIVE... OMG! Who wants to be labeled as that? I cried at times in school when I was overwhelmed, yeah, so? I always was a lovey-dovey kid growing up. I was trusting and what not. I didn't like loud noises, and could never go to sleep as a kid (maybe because my parents stayed up so late and the noise bother me... maybe living in NYC on the avenue where its constantly loud). Now a days I need time to myself where I am alone and detached so I can calm down and get my thoughts together. I sleep a lot because I am tired a lot (my guess is because my brain is working overtime and it is tired).

So for a long time, I have tried to change that about myself because all I could see are the negative aspects... I have effectively learned how to cut off my emotions from things, which is denying myself of my emotions and not even addressing the sensitivity. That, I assume, is what creates my anxiety.

Let me define HSP: a person born with a nervous system genetically designed to process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly.

For example: I smell gas leaks... I am the queen at picking out the ripest fruit because of my uncanny smell-ability... I can pick out oh, so, subtle differences in things visually... I get overwhelmed with too many things going on at once... I have intuition-type thoughts about people I know... I love hard but am afraid of intimacy... I pick up on peoples moods...

Well, I have been seeing a counselor and I feel that after my grandma died in December that I:

-cant go on living like "this" (i will get to this)
-deserve to be in a loving relationship
-am preventing myself from being happy if I so choose to be.

Now, when I say I can't go on living like "this" I didnt realize this until yesterday what i have been battling. Two traits about myself are separate, but at times they are at conflict with each other. I am highly sensitive, meaning my senses are very fine tuned, which makes me very tired from processing so much data I am absorbing from my environment. I also am a High Sensation Seeker (HSS). I get bored easily, I love taking risks, I love trying new things. But thats were the problem is... I was supposed to hang out at 2 different places Friday after work, but after the first place, I was so tired and wired up on the fact that I was being stared at all evening by two coworkers, I was mentally exhausted. I drove to the second venue and couldn't even get myself out of the car. I drove away towards home and realized how much of an idiotic reason for driving off was!! I forgot my sweater at work and I didn't want to have to worry about anyone else staring at me. I really wanted to go but I know that I was mentally drained for the day and it would have turned out bad if I pushed myself. I at first felt it was detrimental because I really needed to go to this QnA with the Bishop from my church, but beating myself up wasn't going to make me turn back around. I immediately accepted the fact that I couldn't hang and that is a blessing because I have to be sure I address why I feel conflicted so I am aware and not feeling bad becasue I don't understand why I am uncomfortable.

Friday night I decided to do something productive since I was done woth people for the day, so I called a freind and bought my vacation package. I was talking to my friend and I explained to her the counselor told me I was insecure... and I explained to her that I am not! I don't care what other people think of me. You can tell becasue I carry myself that way. But at the very same time, my senses are on overload when I walk into a crowded room because I notice people noticing me. Its not that I care that they are. I just know they are becasue I am so in tune with thier body language towards me, their facial expressions, how their eyes move, and those things most people ignore. I unintentionally pick up on the cues. So she reminded me of a time that I believed I am highly sensitive and offered the book back that I gave her. I told her don't worry aobut it and set out for the library the next day. I found a book called The Highly Sensitive Person in Love and I read it all night Saturday night into Sunday morning. Now I woke up 6 am this morning and immediately jumped back on this subject. I want healing.