Monday, October 26, 2009

Don't attack me because I dont want you!

When I was younger, a stranger observing me felt it in his heart to tell me i was a flirt, a tease and I would get unwanted attention based off of how I acted (even though I was shy and barely talked to anyone). I was hurt, disillusioned and disgusted with myself! I felt dirty and ashamed because I was portraying myself to be someone I wasn't. I didn't want sex from the opposite sex. Just attention, a boyfriend to go steady, or a good friend. I changed some things about me after that. i was obviously confused about the male population and how they see me. I don't judge that stranger. I don't even dare to claim understanding of that random-ass conversation. I'm just stating that it happened.

I was assaulted a few weeks back. The physical assault which boils down to unwanted touching wasn't even an issue, but I reported the whole thing under that pretense because it is more concrete evidence. I was spiritually assaulted and my character was attacked. No, i am not dramatic. I encountered a sociopath, pure evil that set his sights on me and sought me out. I was unscathed because I have my holy spirit guiding me.

Even when I encountered this evil man, I was acting in a manner FAR removed from my old self. I was professional, respectful, business-minded, courteous, inquisitive, positive and embracing. I still received unwanted attention. Maybe it was my looks. Maybe the way I walked or how my face is expressive.

The question is when is it going to be the man's fault for his actions?

Certain men will be disrespectful regardless of the way women act. If he has an agenda, he will do whatever he wants to get his way or his point across. It doesn't matter if she was attractive, flirting, minding her business, or whatever. Did that stranger think that if I got raped (God-forbid) that it was my fault because I was born into my sex? I have throughout the years attempted to mold and manipulate my behaviors to seem less attractive to the opposite sex so that I don't look like a tease or make guys come on to me.

I am not independent. I am self-sufficient.
I don't talk too much. I am expressive and enthusiastic.
I am not head-strong. I just don't take bad advice.
I am not prissy. I know what I want and it's not you.

All these things show that I am secure with myself and I have a healthy self-esteem.

When men want their women a little insecure its because the woman looks to others for strength. They are needy and have a tendency to always rely on others to assist them. This is something some insecure and weak-minded men need in their women because they haven't found healthy ways to maintain their ego or gain respect. They are lacking so they seek it out in the wrong way.

I don't date insecure men. I will not be there to stroke your ego. Yes, I need a strong man if that's the word you want to use.

Strong: having moral or intellectual power; not easily upset or nauseated.
What I want is a stalwart man.

Stalwart: unshakable dependability.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

...of all...

of all the guys I've...
picked over
foolishly trusted
threw away
contemplated over
lusted for
pined over
disgustingly accepted
complacently rejected

...I've always wanted something to show. A trinket of some sort to show their existence. something to prove.

Of all the items I've collected...

a watch
a teddy bear
a wine bottle
a condom
a box of cigarettes
a charm necklace
a baby picture
a lei
a poem
a breakup note
a text
a picture mail
a valentine card
a pillow
a belt
a mug
a keychain
a mixtape
a cd
a dvd

... the one that meant the most is something that has no material value. something that cannot be weighed by the finest-tuned scale. Yet it has the most profound and lasting affect on my life. not even the most sacred memorabilia can trigger nostalgia or longing for. He somehow reached into my chest stretched out his fingers and left an imprint of his heart on my soul. It has been the most treasured gift of all for it has been reincarnated time after time long when the gold chain gets dull and the teddy bear is moth-ridden.

of all the things to spend and splurge on he gave me a priceless yet the most free gift of all...



Sunday, October 04, 2009

Part 1: I hated her because I was not her

"I keep thinking I will have an epiphany and then know exactly who I want to be" ... interesting secret from

"who" they want to be versus "what"... Most people don't know what they want to be when it comes to society or career. Maybe thats what that person means, but by using the word "who" it sounds more like an identity.

All along I knew who I wanted to be... I remember as a child (and still now) being attracted to the people that had endearing qualities that I craved. I was drawn to them for their effortless popularity, generous nature and seemingly perfect lives.

Here's one of many of those people:

I had a friend from probably 2nd or 3rd grade up to 5th grade. Michelle Wilson. She was a light-skinned Jamaican girl with a thick accent. Big round apple head. Hair and clothes always neat and pressed. Quiet, smart, sleepy-eyed girl. When she laughed her eyes disappeared. Everyone respected and liked her. Not too many people teased or picked on her and if someone did, majority would stick up for her. She had 'money' cuz she could afford to bring her own lunches to school: she didn't qualify for free lunch like majority of my classmates including me. She had a dad that was a teacher in junior high who I would later become a pupil of and fall in love with in a father/daughter kind of way. He was very respectable and caring. He picked her up sometimes from school. I was like her guardian and I had taken to walking her to the public bus that she rode so nobody would mess with her. Not that anyone was scared of me, but there's power in numbers and being a lone one on the streets of Brooklyn makes you an easy target. I loved her smarts. She cried if she got anything less than an A or B. I wish I cared or even my family cared about my schooling like her and her dad did.

I don't know if wanted to be her friend because I felt I deserved everything she had. I wanted the respect she got because of who she was. Not that i would ride off her coattails, but thats what it looked like i guess. She shared lunch with me every day. She gave me half her juice box and shared her sandwich, or gave me half her snack that her dad packed her. People were jealous of our friendship. They would ridicule us and chastize me for 'stealing' her lunch. Why was I so greedy they asked? do i have to always eat her lunch? Little did they know that if I said no, I would insult her and hurt her feelings?!

the downfall of our friendship you ask? I got tired of her. I got annoyed and a lot of hate and disgust grew in my heart. I turned on her, told her I didnt want to be her friend and stopped hanging out with her. I made her cry. You're probably wondering what kind of person i am or what did she do to deserve that. This isn't an apologetic regretful story. This is my homage to Michelle and all the others that have had a profound affect on my life.

I cry now for the person I was and the way I treated her. I cry because I know now I felt I was living a life I didn't fit in or deserve. I knew my fate before I knew what fate was... before I knew I had a choice, my future was calling me, beckoning me and showing me the way to a certain world i would soon live in.

Friday, October 02, 2009


right now I'm feeling... sleepy a bit. Better sleepy than stressed. I gotta run tomorrow. i get to sleep in until 5:30 but i will be runnin a few miles... which will make me want to sleep again.

I made a commitment to myself. I will be attempting something that I know i can do with tons of determination and brain power. Yes I can... run 13.1 miles under 2 hours.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Lunch made me sleepy!

Time: 7:58pm
Eating: Fried egg sammich w/ veggie cheese (fake cheese) on potatoe bread
Drinking: Celestial Seasoning Tension Tamer tea
Background noise: The Office

I went to work today with EVERY intentions of working my little fanny off! the first of october means new beginnigns! Forget about what you did last month. now is the time to start anew. But then i remembered i had a 3-hour meeting (bleh) followed by lunch at a nice restaurant.

Well, after being bored to death then eating myself into a glycemic stupor I reached the point of no return where I couldn't concentrate on anything except keeping my eyelids open. Even in front of the boss...

Random musings...

today has been a day. one of those days. it wasnt like any other day since every day is unique and yet you feel like it was "one of those days", aw well, i made it through.

I met my match! i finally found someone thats like me! Generous to the utmost without a feeling like you owe them... i always wanted to meet somebody like that. but not to the point that we fight playfully about who's gonna get the tab! I am hard headed and she is worse... you ever met someone who is like you so much that you become friends instantly, then start disliking certain things about them only to realize they are the same things you do lol!?

One day I may write a book. I dunno what its going to be about, or when I will start writing it, but it will be good!