Monday, December 27, 2010

doing it right 1

I been making booboos. so no more lectures... no more asking other men before him... especially dont tell him if i did but just dont do it... dont get him better gifts than he gets me. if he asks about the kinect then it was for vanessa and i wanted someone to get the points... plus i figure he could use them. so far those have been my transgressions as of recent... more to follow

Sunday, December 12, 2010

What does it say about me that i keep exuating yoga to sex? i guess i feel free during sex and thats when i have the most concentratiion on me 100%. anyway i fovused on the pain and WATCHED IT like they said and i hbave the choice to either resist it or let it release. i let it released and encouraged myself to move past to get to where i needed to be. soon ii was passing the pain. i get caught up sometimes and though it doesnt take away from the feeling it just doesznt allow me to enjoy the feeling nor make it buil aapon itself. most impoortantly... keep moving. keep digging deep. was i digging? i felt the joy from succeeding... i allowed myself to feel that the next process was to encourage myself. u alreadty know how the pain feels, but wait it gets better. u already now how the pressure feels. u understand the focus needs to be there. dont be a rusher. focus your mind 100 percent. not 85.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


at first i thought this could be a massage but i dont deserve a massage so i could do her the favor of focusing on where she was touching. pain is not for you to pop a pill. it is meant for your attention to be focused. so i focused on every part she touched. not to be mindful to relaxm bt cuz thats what she said in class.

where your mind goes, your energy follows. help me help you.

focus on my heels, back of ankles: when i feel the pain, it releases joy and elation. my emotions want to feel elation and happiness. releif. i equate to excitement, i want to cry. like i am being played with in a sensual way.

when my feet the soles are pushed down, it feels like more relief of emotions. letting go the feelings, feel the feet. focused. the brain is more engaged with the body. not as much crying but like hugs of relief. whenn she was stepping on my feet, i felt i saw her into me. i saw herprobing me telling me to relax. focus. focus. focus. let it go. and i felt chills because of the power it meant the symbol of the power of her soles on mysoles. stomach - soles - soles - stomach. she is not absorbing. she is relaying to me and teaching me the steps. exhale and let go. i felt humbled.

when i focus on my chest. at first i was breathing real deep... my breaths were labored, exaggerated... in, chest rise, out, chest fall. but she said focus on my chest!! so i focused on my chest and i realized finally that... well i didnt realize, once i stopped thinking to focus on my chest and my midn focused on my chest. my shoulders felt the tension ad sthrted to release. once i saw that my body knew what to do, my mind started helping it. i focused on breathing.

then she said feel your ribcages. i was still chest breathing... only chest, not shoulders or neck or head and it took a while, but finally i was in my ribcage. i as in my mind was my ribcage. my body told my mind that my head is not my ribcage and started relaxing. soon only my ribcage was engaged.i wsas excited. my emotions are so hyped that thats where i start focusing on. she said accept 100% thats only when you can move.

when she was done. i felt i was about to lift up to the sky but she put her hands on my chest and stomach. so i focused on bher hands cuz my body was no longer there. i was in my mind. my mind realized my body was stiff. the world was so calm and still. i felt warmth through my core. and it felt good. i could equate it to sex. like when you are not about to come, but when your mind is focused on your female parts down there and nothing else in the world matters. there is no world. there is no thinking there is just stillness. there isthis peace that is a focused peace. theres one thing when peace is perceived to come to you you but when your mind creates peace and tranquility. i have never experienced that and soon i was experiencing joy from it and i started panicing. cuz i was telling myself not to feel my emotions. they were getting in the way of my mind and body. but as soon as i tried to choke the emotions, i started panicking. i couldnt breath and i wanted to jump up. i went back to focus on the peace and it was still there THANKFULLY! Aand i tried to focus on that because peace is the opposite of panic. i told myself stop thinking and started focusing on her hands once again which brought me back to the calm tranquil stillness that my mind was at. i dont know if i was panicking because i have never been so focused on nothing in my life! i would equate it to feeling horny... like your mind is focused on your body when you are getting aroused. you cant ignore your body and so you start to foucs on that.

i dont know if that is a good explanation but thats what i experienced.