Thursday, July 08, 2010

Ronery... im so ronery!

I am lonely. Reacing out... its so close. right there in my inbox. all i gotta do is click and my journey begins... to more lonliness or self-fulfillness, i dont know. I resist though. I have to.

What would push me over the edge to go? I dont know.
It hurts me to know that I am attracted to certain people because i know its the fruitation of my parents. I am rejecting the people I want to be with because i am beng logical at the same time. I am split brained. I am scared that now that my mom is gone, the relationship between me and my dad will turn into something worse. I dont want to be there for him becuase of the passing of my mom. it is bothering me a lot because i dont want that emotional burden. I am there for him when he is having a bad day. he complains to me cuz my mom doesnt want to hear it. I dont whant to fill in. i dont want it i wont take it. I am his daughter. not his mother, not his friend. I think that his conversations with me are inappropriate. he uses me as his confidant. there are so many things about him that i know because he tells on his self. more in a confessional way than any other way. i dont want it. i still want a relationship with him but i cannot continue to have one at the rate we are going. i am scared because i may lose him but i have to know that this will make me stronger and if I can learn how to demand a healthy relationship with him than i can learn to speak up for myself when i am in a relationship with any other man. i am healing my heart of the wrongdoing he has unintentionally or intentionally done to me. i want to be heallthy. i can do nothing but believe i can get over this becuase if i dont than i will fail by giving up on myself too soon. i know i will be better. i can only do me. i cannot want people to come with me because i am an individual and unique and what i go though may be by myself. i am not alone, though. i have God. I used to not feel lonely. i was in denial. i surpressed the lonliness. i will not do that now. i am lonely and i confess. but i know I will get to the point where I will be healthy enough to be with somebody. I am scared to put myself on the line for someone, but the first thing to do is not chase someone who is unavailable. Unavailable men in my life are Luis, Meme, Rio. They are unavailable and I need to keep that in mind when i interact with them. keep the convo at a friend level. keep the boundaries.

Meme asked if i wanted to meet with him. i told my therapist that i wouldnt burden him with this information because i dont think its responsible for me to have some kind of emotional relationship with him if he is married. although i dont know what he can or cannot deal with. it is wrong of me to assume, like angela said. i am protecting ppl like i would protect myself and its not fair. of course i would love to see him again. its unfortunate that its in this capacity. maybe he is divorced like in my dream. I had that dream that me and dario were contentedly chillin and in the midst of it, meme texted me that he was divorced and whats up with me. Ang asked if i was happy with dario would i stop to be with meme, but i told her no cuz i dont even want anything with dario. i dont want anything with anyone but i do. what is it going to take? Do i have to be single untl this is all figured out? or do i have the opportunity to find someone that is understanding of my situation and has patience iwth me and love and understanding? Thats the question.

I remember what i told him. In the chow hall. i told him that (hes the first person i ever cried in front of) i never say i love you to my mom. i asked her if it bothered her and she said no because she knows i love her. well thats all i wanted her to say to me. just say it. and she did. i asked him if thats healthy. if i am weird or a bad person because of it. he told me no but i needed to try to make the relationship what i wanted because i am an adult. i can dictate. so i had to do some searching on my part. what was realistic of me to ask of her.

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