Highly Sensitive Person

It is about me. I need to address head-on the pure fact that I am highly sensitive. i had a strong aversion to the word SENSITIVE... OMG! Who wants to be labeled as that? I cried at times in school when I was overwhelmed, yeah, so? I always was a lovey-dovey kid growing up. I was trusting and what not. I didn't like loud noises, and could never go to sleep as a kid (maybe because my parents stayed up so late and the noise bother me... maybe living in NYC on the avenue where its constantly loud). Now a days I need time to myself where I am alone and detached so I can calm down and get my thoughts together. I sleep a lot because I am tired a lot (my guess is because my brain is working overtime and it is tired).

So for a long time, I have tried to change that about myself because all I could see are the negative aspects... I have effectively learned how to cut off my emotions from things, which is denying myself of my emotions and not even addressing the sensitivity. That, I assume, is what creates my anxiety.

Let me define HSP: a person born with a nervous system genetically designed to process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly.

For example: I smell gas leaks... I am the queen at picking out the ripest fruit because of my uncanny smell-ability... I can pick out oh, so, subtle differences in things visually... I get overwhelmed with too many things going on at once... I have intuition-type thoughts about people I know... I love hard but am afraid of intimacy... I pick up on peoples moods...

Well, I have been seeing a counselor and I feel that after my grandma died in December that I:

-cant go on living like "this" (i will get to this)
-deserve to be in a loving relationship
-am preventing myself from being happy if I so choose to be.

Now, when I say I can't go on living like "this" I didnt realize this until yesterday what i have been battling. Two traits about myself are separate, but at times they are at conflict with each other. I am highly sensitive, meaning my senses are very fine tuned, which makes me very tired from processing so much data I am absorbing from my environment. I also am a High Sensation Seeker (HSS). I get bored easily, I love taking risks, I love trying new things. But thats were the problem is... I was supposed to hang out at 2 different places Friday after work, but after the first place, I was so tired and wired up on the fact that I was being stared at all evening by two coworkers, I was mentally exhausted. I drove to the second venue and couldn't even get myself out of the car. I drove away towards home and realized how much of an idiotic reason for driving off was!! I forgot my sweater at work and I didn't want to have to worry about anyone else staring at me. I really wanted to go but I know that I was mentally drained for the day and it would have turned out bad if I pushed myself. I at first felt it was detrimental because I really needed to go to this QnA with the Bishop from my church, but beating myself up wasn't going to make me turn back around. I immediately accepted the fact that I couldn't hang and that is a blessing because I have to be sure I address why I feel conflicted so I am aware and not feeling bad becasue I don't understand why I am uncomfortable.


Friday night I decided to do something productive since I was done woth people for the day, so I called a freind and bought my vacation package. I was talking to my friend and I explained to her the counselor told me I was insecure... and I explained to her that I am not! I don't care what other people think of me. You can tell becasue I carry myself that way. But at the very same time, my senses are on overload when I walk into a crowded room because I notice people noticing me. Its not that I care that they are. I just know they are becasue I am so in tune with thier body language towards me, their facial expressions, how their eyes move, and those things most people ignore. I unintentionally pick up on the cues. So she reminded me of a time that I believed I am highly sensitive and offered the book back that I gave her. I told her don't worry aobut it and set out for the library the next day. I found a book called The Highly Sensitive Person in Love and I read it all night Saturday night into Sunday morning. Now I woke up 6 am this morning and immediately jumped back on this subject. I want healing.

Signs and symbols all over the place

Signs and symbols again. Talking about psychology. Mike talks about the child in India that was born iwht extra appendages. Eight, and her village thinks she is a goddess and prays to her. The family moves away to be near a hospital and the village is not happy. They don't want their new "goddess" to be away from them. Someone puts a curse on them and things start to go downhill for them. They move back but the town's people don't acknowledge them. They are ignored and noone comes o visit as they once did. Then they see a "witch" doctior. The doctor takes the curse off and their whole demeanor change. They carry themselves differently and that allows others to treat them differently. Now that they know there is no curse, the little girl goes and humbles herself befor the elders and everything is back to normal.

In the witch of Portobello, same thing with her. She acts as a withch allowing people to come and ask her but at the end of the day, it is revealed that she doesn't do anything to them. They just accept the fact that they are free to do what they please, She did not unlease thngs in people, she just allowed them to be in this state of mind and use intuition. It's like, we all are equipped owht the key that unlocks all the thingss tat hold us back. We just have to find out how to unlock it.

Many people use other means to get there. Many diffierent vessels. Witch doctors, drugs, religion, music, dance, crossword puzzles, painting. But honestly, I believe it is meditation. Quiet, or a chance to let your body and mind be quiet to let your heart and soul speak. It always speaks, just that so much stuff is happening around us that we drown out the messages.

I'm not free

I know I'm free. everyone keeps telling me that. My ancestors fought for my freedom. I could not be where I am today because of them. I get it. But the more I learn about economics and I guess delve deeper into philosophy, I realize I am NOT FREE.

The moment I am born in my society i am in debt. I am taxed upon, counted and categorized. I am worked into the system of census, the education system, Selective service (for males), accountable for taxes from the IRS, expected to abide by the rules and norms of this country. Anything I do that goes against the grain is not only frowned upon, but the "system/government" has so many things in place to make my life living hell, a total nightmare if I don't want to just be normal. I am bound by FICA scores, credit scores, library cards that track my knowledge gaining, bank account statements, timecards that track my hours, hell, even web browser history. I am penalized if I move too many places in a short amount of time. Hell, the ground I walk on isn't free. Dirt is free. rocks are free. but the space that it occupies, oh, u gotta pay for that. I can't breath. I am claustraphobic just thinking I can't come and go as I please. i can't even leave the country on a whim if I want.

I don't mean to sound too extreme, but it's such a sad realization that I can't even be friends with whoever I want without the government potentially wanting to know AND maybe holding it against me at a later date. Uuuughghgghgh. What to do? I dunno. It's just frustrating and disheartening at the same time. I'm tired of the playing the bullshit games that man has invented like stocks, real estate, corporate ladders, , retirement, institutionalized religion, and shit, institutionalized education for that matter. Why should I prove my existence and compete with so many people on a plane that will never be even? I am frustrated because I am told what is supposed to make me happy, like having a good job, a nice car, a college education, my own home to live in for 50+ years, a husband, children and grandkids. Who the hell said that's what I want? I don't have to and you can't make me.

Everybody that knows me knows that I don't like people telling me what to do, lol. Is it evident?

Please don't be alarmed, these are just thoughts, I won't be staging an uprising anytime soon. No coups here. And I'm not that good at being an agitator either. Just some thoughts that have been bouncing round and round and round.

Who I attract... this is another long one...

This post covers two things: The kind of men I attract (with some detail to one in particular), and money issues with the men I attract... Apparently they relate to each other, sadly.

I was at the MSN page this morning and i saw a link to an irresistible article about "Are you dating a player?" Frankly, I'm not dating anyone, more like talking to/getting to know... but I figured I'd compare my notes with MSN's notes... I may have some signs that they missed...

Anyway, the first one: "He's bold. For the player, the pickup is a game. He doesn't approach women with the same nerves or awkwardness of a normal guy. He’ll walk up confidently, with a big smile and great eye contact. His manner will be smooth and put-together." blah blah blah It goes on to say that they're not nervous because they do it all the time. While I don't agree nor disagree, it had me thinking about how I act when men approach me.

This struck a cord and I realized that because of how shy, quiet and reserved I act when I meet a potential, I must look like a newbie to the game. That's like blood to a shark! Those "players" automatically assume I am naive and try their hardest to sink their claws in...

The last few potentials... yep, so-called players in my mind ESPECIALLY because each one of them asked for money for some reason or another all nonchalantly Like we've known each other for years. What have you done for me lately? What am i doing that makes you think I'm stupid enough to loan you money to buy a motorcycle (when u admitted u still owe your momma, at the age of 29 still getting loans from her), pay your cousin back, fly you in to see me, trade up your car, pay your child support, etc?

Of course I said no each time, and not all of those have been the specific excuses but you get my drift.

One of them, I just stopped talking to altogether! Especially since he told me that he pushed his Denali down a hill/cliff to collect insurance (he had the nerve to say it all regular-like, what did I expect, this was his second time doing it... silly me). I had to get off the phone with him cuz I literally started to get physically ill! Who in their right minds would do that?!

#1) A Denali? Shit, I woulda bought it off him. Ha ha! Apparently he didn't want to sell it... child support...

#2) I got a clearance. I aint tryna fug with nobody dealing with out of control debt problems and insurance fraud. I ran and never looked back! Just stopped all contact cold turkey.

That was in September, I think... Well yesterday I FINALLY got IM and because i don't know how to log on invisible yet... guess who decided to chat it up... The Denali killer. Eventually thru the convo he asked why I stopped talking to him and why I deleted him off myspace (I'm sooo notorious for that...)

I gave him the usual lie about myspace: ethics complaint at work blah blah blah, investigation involving myspace and coworkers blah. I know ppl can see thru it, but nobody calls me on it, so imma keep using it!! By the way, myspace is a joke.

But i told him the partial truth about why i stopped talking to him. I knew MONTHS in advance that he was gonna ask for money, only it was a matter of time, so I stopped caring what he said. I told my cousin about it like 6 months prior and then he did it. I shoulda played the lotto on it.

Anyways digression is a b!tch... i told him that i don't know how to say no after i say yes (yeah, i told him yes with no intentions of loaning him money because it went with my plan of having SOME reason for never talking to him other than me just being a b!tch). I also told him that I'm bad at communication and I suppress my opinions so that I don't offend people, but i dig a hole so deep, there's no crawling out when I disagree with them. He said he figured that it was about the money. Oh, and that it was childish of me... Yes "That was childish of you!" I laughed and typed, "I know".

I can't tell you how many countless things he's done that are childish and nowhere near manly! One involves him waiting to be courtmarshalled by the military for desertion... among other trifling-ass things he shared with me. He has an uncanny and undeserved sense of entitlement about him! I think i talked to him because of his stories and my morbid curiosity of if he could top himself! I guess he especially thought because he was so honest about everything, he was granted to do anything he wanted, regardless of if it's against normal people's morals and values... Geez, how do I attract these boys? WTF?

Digging deep

I just want to take a minute to reflect on my life. the romantic/relationship side...

I think my values and standards need a bit of evaluation and a time for analyzing my actions is in order. It's interesting that when you have a strategy for something and it doesn't work, you adapt and tweak your formula so that you have a better chance of being successful the next time around. Why don't I apply this to different areas in my life?

There is a constant and predictable response I give to people and myself when my singleness is up for discussion. "I am picky," I say. I always say I know what I need in a man. I have high standards and my dream guy needs to possess all the traits of my laundry list. Besides, I know what I like. I know a lot of women and men can agree with that statement.

But I find many flaws in that statement.

That is the same tired-ass line (excuse) that I have been using as a security blanket all these years. Frankly, I must admit: I am a commitment-phobe. Regardless of the reasons why, or what circiumstances have made me fear commitment, I just am. However I can easily conceal that issue by conveniently saying that I am picky. For some reason, it just seems more acceptable to say you haven't found that perfect person versus saying you have commitment issues. Who want's to admit to that?! I bet that's the most common problem among single people now-a-days.

Also, when I say I have high standards and I know what I want in a man, I am actually saying that I think I know who can handle me. Well, it's kind of dismissive to have a list of rights and wrongs to judge a person's relationship potential to. People are adaptive and learn from experience. I guess I feel like I'm not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm actually putting myself on a pedestal (not deserved or relationship/friendly spot). I would be offended if I was feeling a guy and he wasn't all that interested because I'm not everything he hoped for. We learn, grow, and compromise as we go forward in relationships. That's the excitement of being in a relationship. I think I'm looking for a ready-made husband I guess. And that's not fair because I'm not a ready-made wife.


Also, having high standards in the opposite sex implies that I have my shit together ha ha LOL! I am seeking perfection when I myself am perfectly flawed. I am not perfect and I know I'm not average. I am unique and eccentric. I am very random and scatterbrained, yet thoughtfully caring and a deep thinker. I am not that emotional when it comes to my life and personal affairs, but I am an emotional person. I expect people to confide in me and I want to be the rock and moral support for them, but it is hard for me to allow my friends to be my support. In my mind, I'm more goofy and silly than anything, but for some reason, that turns on the opposite sex when they are first-hand witnesses to it. I am a hard worker and sort of a people-pleaser (which I think is annoying...).

I am my worst critic and I am hard on myself when it comes to performance. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong (also annoying...). For the most part, I am good at ignoring my conscience. But when I meet people during those periods and my conscience gets too loud to ignore and it goes back into effect, I distance myself from the people I've been with, and everything they and I've been partaking in is WRONG! I hate being so flip-flopy, but it seems like if I don't ignore my conscience sometimes, I will live a very dull and boring life. The bad thing is I am nurturing the bad habit of being in short-term friendships/relationships. If I keep exercising the right to just dump people because of my temporary lapse of judgement, I will strengthen all the wrong emotions that are needed to cut people off and shut feelings down.

I know I have a lot of issues about myself. Some things that will be with me until old age and some things that I may change if it becomes out of hand. I am the first person to say that I need someone non-judmental, but aren't I judging by having this stupid list?

I'm scrubbing my list. It's just not working for me. It never has!

Q: Why use the same blueprint over and over again if the building keeps falling?
A: You don't.

Self-actualization

I took a Kabbalah personality test because I was bored one day. I don't believe in Kabbalah simply because I have no effin idea what it is. Simple as that.

Anyways, for some reason, the analysis made me sad. Makes me out to be some wandering soul on a never-ending journey trying to find the meaning of an unsolvable puzzle.

"You almost always have a very strong inner desire for self-actualization. In virtually every circumstance, you have a very intense need to find real meaning in the world around you. In particular, you possess a very deep desire to identify your true purpose in life (both overall and in areas connected to you personally) and to achieve maximum self-realization. As a result, you are nearly always preoccupied with the question of whether what you are pursuing at the moment is indeed the best thing for you, out of a constant need/wish to shift your goals whenever you discover something loftier or more suited to you as an individual. In sum, you truly wish to know what is best for you to strive for.

This trait—bending one’s will and aspirations to actively pursue lofty goals and objectives—is the second of the three components associated with the soul’s general traits of self-actualization and willpower."