Friday, July 02, 2010

This isn't the hardest thing...

This isn't the hardest thing. But I can see why so many relationships crumble in crisis. I can tell you it is extremely difficult to be in relationships, friendships, and commitments with other people all the while dealing with a grave grave crisis. When you are in the storm, it is such a physically heavy reality to experience the fragility of the thread that connects you to another person. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. If you've surrounded yourself with people that are like you, blessings if you are all healthy!

If that's not the case, I do say unfortunately, along with your task of carrying yourself, and all the depression that comes with it, you may feel it necessary to stay in the world and it be your duty to go above and beyond to ensure the thread between you all aren't severed. Some people are in preservation mode and whatever the reason, do not handle your crisis appropriately. I pray you don't judge, but keep an open heart and mind and know everyone has different capacities to carry things. By choice, I firmly believe one way or another, they may just not be able to handle this.

And although it may feel very unfair that you have to carry this burden of all the weight of the world, your family, your mother's death and your future grief and subsequent healing, along with the frustration that all your friends lives are still going on and on and on, its a blessing the world doesn't stop and mope with you. Not that you would wish this on anyone, but you wish someone would understand what you are going through and baby the shit out of you, but then when you get it, you are ungreatful and wish you would stop being treated so sensitively becuause you are and yet you are not. Why does it all seem so confusing? Because I am. This world is filled with people so different that all the facets of our personality can be nurtured and explored with different people. Just know who to go to when you need something specific.

But I am going to have to see the good in this to know that i can jump out of the funk once in a while, and immerse myself in my friends lives because I need it and they need it. And they are hurt in other ways by this. This scares people that they rely on you but knowing they cant at this point. Your survival is all they got at some point too because they need you to make it for more reasons than the self-perceived selfish ones you have conjured up in your convoluted head whether they be true or not. You can't think straight. Who can blame you. So I would like to know how the wedding planning is going. Please keep me updated on your cat's asthma. How is your suicidal sister-in-law doing? You mean you haven't found that missing cell phone just yet? So Harry Potter is one of the best book of all times? Oh, so you miss your kids while they're on vacation? No, i don't think I will be able to proof-read your daughter's medical school admissions paper. It's really endearing and heartbreaking at the same time to know you want to keep me posted to take my mind off of things, if just for a bit. A reprieve, if you will. I am ever so grateful and promise not to curse you in my head, because I need it more than ever.

Just know some people will burst out crying at the sight of you. It will happen. It has happened, and it is a weird experience. It is sad, and you think you don't even need that right now. You need someone to lean on, but guess what, this isn't the hardest thing. You will get through it.

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