Smalltalk

What is it with people and smalltalk? Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know, but sometimes I get introverted and I don't really feel like saying anything to anyone when I'm passing people in the hallway at work. It's not that I feel like being rude, I just get thrown off by people and I don't know what to say. Is that bad?

Well today, everyone is coming out of the woodworks wanting to talk talk talk. Ridiculous. I mean people are like getting in front of me, looking me in the eyes smiling, patting me on the back, asking me questions!! UUGGGHHH I look back at them dumbly but shyly and start to do that weirdo grin. You know the one where the person's head melts into their shoulders and they do that nervous laugh? Yeah, that's been me all day.

I think everyone secretly had a meeting about me and it went a little something like:

Coworker 1: So, Sweetpea's not a talker, huh
Coworker 2: Nah, Hey I got an idea, lets all talk to her.
Coworker 1: I don't know, she won't say anything back. Sounds boring.
Coworker 3: No, that's a great idea! She totally won't know what's coming!
Coworker 2: yeah, and she's be all paranoid and wierded out!!
Coworker 4: But what if she doesn't say anything?
Coworker 2: Just stare at her and smile!
Coworker 3: Plus she's got that ugly new haircut! Maybe she'll think that's why we've noticed her!
Coworker 1: Well, okay, I guess, but if she suddenly decides to go on a killing spree, I promise not to say "I told you so!"

Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Can you tell?

My legacy

Well, not my legacy, but people's legacy. Do you notice how multi-faceted we are as humans? We all have so many qualities about us, but which one of those qualities are we known for after our deaths? Which ones would we rather be known for?

Pimp C died recently. It has been revealed that he actually died of an accidental overdose of Syzzurp. Very unfortunate because he along with his group put Syzzurp on the map! Well, what is he known for? I will forever remember him as the one with the lame lyrics on Big Pimpin. Even the rapper with the nonsensical lyrics on Player's Anthem.

But what if he was a culinary genius that we just don't know about? What if he was the go-to guy for taxes to all his family and friends? What I'm trying to say is... his public legacy sucks. I hope he has a better one between the fam and friends!

I wonder what mine would be. I'm sure not anything I'm hoping it would be!

Quarter-life crisis

I just went into my purse and I realized how junky and out of control it is. WOW! It feels like my life! No purpose, no order. How uncanny! So from now on so that I won't trigger any semi-depression spells, I will refer to my life as my purse. Don't get confused if I type: "Wow, where is my purse going right now?" or "My purse is in shambles, I need a purse coach." Or "What is the f@#%#(*&ing meaning of purse!??"

It's just a defense mechanism. I gotta use those psychology classes SOMEHOW, or else how will I get my money's worth? I'm not in a psychology profession, that's for sure! And I won't be anytime soon because I am afraid of living my dream. I feel like settling. A better word is compromise. Help, I'm starting to give up on myself :-(

Before time runs out...

Life is short. Who says this and that happen? We are so restrained and confined to our perception of the future it ends up hindering us more than we know. We see what is there and what is predictable and we factor that into our future with little room for creativity and imagination. Hat about those dreams we had? Those figures come cloudy when we see what we see all day long for as long as we have lived until something life changing like mortality or simple beauty knocks the dust off of our eyelids to let us see the future for what it is: BLANK. A blank canvas. Who says that the tree that is outside your window will be there tomorrow? Who can prove it? Noone but God. Not even you. You are blessed with life to breath tomorrow because God said so. So who has the time to hold themselves back with self-defeating behaviors when you don’t have the time for it. I can’t wait anymore. I have to do. Who knows what will be here. It’s like the dog that was tied up for years. He struggled and struggled to be freed, but ultimately he realized that he was trapped. Well, one day the scientist took off the leash that was tying him down. Guess what! He didn’t run away because he was trapped by his learned mentality that he was stuck. Learned Helplessness. Who says that I have no control over my happiness is A LIE. I am lying to myself if I believe that garbage.

I'm so *@$%#@ing mad

I'm mad! I keep staring at this check that I received from Geico... $00.02. Two effin cents! And I know it's my money. but damn! They coulda kept two cents!! I dont even want to waste gas to cash it at the bank! So, in honor of my $00.02 check, I am going to list all the things I'm mad at:

I'm mad at my $00.02 check!! lol

I'm mad at my cuzzin not calling me cuz she mad at me even tho I didnt do anything.

I'm mad at my momma telling me on the phone I sound heavy/fat. WTF?!

I'm mad at Chelsea Handler coming on past my bedtime.

I'm mad at Starbucks not delivering.

I'm mad at Virginia weather being so Damn cold! (I should have never went to Jamaica)

I know this list is lame as fcuk, but I'm watching Hell Date, and I'ts funny as all hell!! lol... I'm so distracted... one track mind! BYE

Oops, I did it again :-(

Don't you just hate it when you do something you know you have no business doing?

Well, I did something I had no business doing! It sucks and I cant really blame anone but myself :-( Boo hoo!! Cuz I feel all sucky inside!

From now on, I will listen to myself lol, for real! And just do what's in my gut. No more irrational behaviors and catering to impulses!!

Martin Luther King Day

Today is supposed to be a day of observance for Dr Martin Luther King Jr.

This is the time for us to contemplate about his dream, or whatever way your heart tells you to pay respects to this man and his vision for the human race.

Not to be rude or ignorant, but I took today off!! And when I go to work tomorrow and someone asks me where I was, imma tell them I stayed home cuz im black!! Sad and not funny to most, but for me, it makes me giggle!!

Anyways, I don't really celebrate the Monday observance day, but usually on his REAL birthday I say a prayer or do my contemplating. Most people don't know that it's January 15th. But since my sister's birthday is the day before, it has stuck in my mind.


This morning, I watched a show on PETA about black people moving to the mecca known as Atlanta, as well as other historically segregated cities and states. Among others, Alabama. On the show, Maya Angelo compared the migration of wealthy and successful blacks moving to the south in mass quantities as us coming home after the forced move up north during the segregation days.

It was interesting because the host of the show played the devil's advocate. He explained that the south is known for it's segregation then and now. So why do blacks think it's okay to live in communities that occupies only blacks? So who cares that your house costs half a million, what makes you different from the neighborhoods where there are only whites?

What makes segregation right? Or when is segregation okay? Can we really say when segregation is okay and mean it not just when it suits our desires and needs?

This can relate to anything that you distance yourself from. Not just segregation among races. This actually explains my relationship with my snake (random, I know)

The more we are moved away from others the more we lose touch.
The more we lose touch, the more we grow apart.
the more we grow apart, the more we are unaware.
The more we are unaware, the more likely we are to be afraid.
From fear grows hate.

He's just not that into you!

On Thursday I talked to David and he said he would call me back. If you go to my post called "I Can't Wait", you will get back filled. You will get the gist of what I wanted to say to him.

Well guess what? He never called back. I think he sensed that I had some talking to do, especially since the conversation the day before. The day before, he said some things that should have been obvious to me that he's not interested in going further in a relationship with me. And I, never being the one for subtleties, didn't get it. If you want me to understand, you have got to say it in English. I was never good at reading between the lines and I don't decipher passive-aggressiveness well. In that conversation, i didn't realize it then but I do now, we were on different pages. Anyways, he sent me a message today about how he left his phone in his friends car this weekend and he'll call back.

I am not dumb. I believe he probably had company this weekend and couldn't tear himself away from that person to give me a call. Cuz thats how he was with ME the last time he had a 4-day weekend. Not once did he get on the phone, though I know there were many people that should have been calling him. LOL, I bet he was praying his butt off that I didn't call him either, but I am NOT a stalker type. And we came to the agreement that you would call, I will await your call. And if you don't call, then I will assume that you don't want to talk to me. And why call someone that doesn't want to talk to you? How awkward would that be!!

I came to the realization of a lot of things and I feel like apologizing to him. To make matters worse, I was watching reality tv (my favorite past time) and just watching interactions between men and women is so predictable when it comes to feelings and sex! I will bring up a show that relates to us.


The Bachelor: I've never watched this show until the last season where Brad "the hottest bachelor ever" had some commitment problems and ended up not picking anyone. I loved this show, not necessarily because of the show, but because Brad Womack has REAL issues and it tickles me to my core to see people who seem otherwise normal have problems. You would look at him and think, man!! He has everything and he's such a loving guy, very respectful, southern gentleman, financially responsible, humble blah blah blah, but he's screwy in the head when it comes to relationships.

Anyways, his relationship with Hillary was sooooo painful and obvious to everyone BUT except her!! OMG, everyone in America watching this show felt embarrassed for her! She didn't realize that by him calling her "friend" it meant "not girlfriend". She continuously pursued him romantically and because he kept giving her a rose at the end of every episode, she took the false hope and ran with it. Not once did he actually say: I don't see us being in a romantic relationship. He said that he could see them being friends forever. He admired a lot of things about her and thought she was one of the coolest girls on the show. But not one negative word came out of his mouth. His reasoning was he was letting her down easy.

She was so blind that by the time she got voted off, she was devastated, I mean one of the most dramatic and emotional rose ceremonies EVER!

I keep telling myself if it was obvious to everyone else, it should have been obvious to her. But she chose to see some things and ignore others. SO that's partially her fault. But Brad is also to blame because he didn't come out and say what was on his mind about them. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but in the end he shattered her world. Imagine how much heartache would have been spared if people learn to communicate effectively. Less being politically correct and more being honest with ourselves and others.

Let me sum it up: On Vivian Rose's blog, she listed some pretty startling things that Hillary should have saw...

How do you know that Brad is just not that into you?

If he uses the word friends in every sentence.
If he never asks you for one on one time.
If you are constantly asking yourself “Why isn’t that me?”.
If he sneaks off to make out with other girls in front of you.
If you are the only one that hasn’t seen him with his shirt off.
If he uses phrases like “I’m trying to shoot you straight”
or “I don’t get nervous around you”.
If your name is Hillary…that’s a pretty good sign!

source: http://www.beloblog.com/KVUE_Blogs/bachelorblog/2007/10/week_five_just_friends.html

Dream Job

This is probably the last post for today.

I get full of myself sometimes. About my current job at least. Everyone has dreams of what they want to be and do when they grow up. I bet 80-90% of the population ignored those dreams and just took the job that was the most convenient to follow. The path of least resistance.

Well, why do I have to be like that? Not that I'm better than you, but I owe it to myself to be in an occupation that I love to do. Just because you think I have a great job with a good salary and it's what you did, why do you think I should do it? You don't like it either but you're okay with settling because it's easier than pursuing your dreams and other goals.

So, because you were too afraid or not ready to step out of your boundaries, everyone has to follow in those footsteps? I'm different. I'm not happy doing what you do.

I bet you're thinking I should prove you wrong, right? Either that or shut the fuck up, right?

I guess noone is really telling me that it is wrong, just to think it through if I want to do my dream job because it is in an entirely different field of what I am doing now.

To be honest, I don't know exactly what I want to do. I don't think there is even an occupation that exists. Maybe that's where my problem lies: thinking that everyone in this world (especially me) is supposed, no, destined, no, entitled to do what they love and only that.

Self-actualization

I took a Kabbalah personality test because I was bored one day. I don't believe in Kabbalah simply because I have no effin idea what it is. Simple as that.

Anyways, for some reason, the analysis made me sad. Makes me out to be some wandering soul on a never-ending journey trying to find the meaning of an unsolvable puzzle.

"You almost always have a very strong inner desire for self-actualization. In virtually every circumstance, you have a very intense need to find real meaning in the world around you. In particular, you possess a very deep desire to identify your true purpose in life (both overall and in areas connected to you personally) and to achieve maximum self-realization. As a result, you are nearly always preoccupied with the question of whether what you are pursuing at the moment is indeed the best thing for you, out of a constant need/wish to shift your goals whenever you discover something loftier or more suited to you as an individual. In sum, you truly wish to know what is best for you to strive for.

This trait—bending one’s will and aspirations to actively pursue lofty goals and objectives—is the second of the three components associated with the soul’s general traits of self-actualization and willpower."

Visual imagery... non sensical observations

This is taken from my journal.

Date: February 9th 2007.
Time: 10:15 am
Location: Al Asad, Iraq

Sun is shining and I am sitting outside the [office] on the bench under the tan tarp, but the sun is still shining thru, on my hand, my pen, my book. The air is cool. I hear the birds chirping and fluttering as they play all day. Cars are passing by on my left, just over the Hesco barriers that are probably 8 feet high.

The Marines are doing exercises, so I hear them from time to time when the wind brings over their haji war cries. It is remniscent of Lucy Lawless in Xena. Just as I hear them, a military helicopter flies overhead. He comes out behind me, goes about a mile out to my left past the hescos, makes a crescent and travels about two miles and ends up in front of me. By this time, ithe sound of his rotors is barely above a whisper.

Now I hear the 220 voltage generator humming in it's neverending faithful song. That's one noise I'm always glad to hear. [note: because if its not on then theres no power for lights or to power my computer so i can work]

The sun is on my legs. It is a little warm, yet the soft and gentle breeze on my back feels like a thawed out frost, ready to shake alive the seeds on the trees. The soft blow of the sky, encouraging the ants from their winter slumber, ready to start foraging in the spring again.

I know those ants are ready and eager to come out and play/work, I saw [a couple of] them, first snacking on a starburst (pina colada flavored) then hours later when one ant must have told all his friends and family, about 20 of them devouring it hungrily. It soon rained afterwards, so I hope they got what they needed.

It smells like air. Clean air and cigarette butts. But of course two feet in front and to the right of me is a drum wheel on its side and an ammunition can on top of it half filled with the remaining carcasses of life vapors. The ammo can was once black with the words CHAOS neatly stenciled on all sides in white, but because a net never was good at holding off the rain, and the wind carries dust, it's a grayish color with raindrop ghosts outlined in dirt.

The [office building] next to mine, well, right now in front of me, has been occupied within the last 3 minutes. I hear country music. Breaking hearts and living the Iraqi deployed life, he's probably singing about.

I look on the [makeshift deck] floorboard in front of me and to the left and I see, glistening in the sun, some spit, a loogie. A healthy one. There's clear mucus, and white spots in it. I wish I could will the owner of it to spit 3 feet to the left next time so that it would land in the dirt. But that is no easy feat especially when this is not your property, nor are you required to clean it. That's why there are ashes on the bench and cigarette (Marlboro) butts at my feet. It's just Iraq! Right?

I want to go inside and blog this but 1. berg is probably on the 'puter and 2. I'm addicted to the sun trees outside birds air wind dirt rocks sand benches solitude nature quietness oneness peace. I'm getting cold, tho. So Imma go inside now.

Love yourself... but not too much

I was reading my journal and I came across a dream I had a while back.

I think it's an interesting dream and I will share it. I wrote it sometime in February 2007. I must note that I was reading The Alchemist.

There is this guy that has to go into a jail to diffuse a situation between two feuding gangs. He thinks he is the most unqualified person because he isn't a negotiator and he doesn't work in prisons. Just think of him as a janitor. He is given a gun by the warden (probably protocol). But so he will look less dangerous and better his chances of surviving this ordeal, he turns the gun around and holds it by the barrel.

But on his quest to look nonviolent he drops the gun and unfortunately it goes off. Everyone's in chaos and hits the deck because the tension is pretty thick. The bullet doesn't kill anyone, but it hits a picture of one of the gang leaders' lesbian sister... or something. It's someone the gang leader despises, so he takes it as a good "omen". The guy gets up and is still feeling the pressure because everyone is looking at him and expecting him to deliver. So he thinks about something he heard before about love. While sending this message, he preached gospel and sang it in a gospel tone:

"Love yourself. Everyone says love yourself 100% cuz if you don't then who else will. Love yourself but not to the point that you can't change the bad things about you. If you love yourself too much then you can't grow. You don't want to love the bad things in you. Love yourself enough that you want to change the bad things."

The End

Used and abused

Every relationship I go through, every situation I live and things go all screwey, I chock it up to experience. e

Especially when relationships go bad or things go wrong, I force myself to get a lesson out of it. In the end, regardless of how badly things really are, Iput a positive spin on it. Everything I do, i find the positivity in it.

Lately I feel like I've been going through a lot of shit. I'm gaining alot of experience. So, instead of feeling self-loathing because things don't turn out the way I want it, I end up learning more about myself, my family, friends, peers, human nature, motivation of people. I grow wiser and gain insight with every experience.

But now that I encounter it so much, sometimes i feel like i am putting myself in certain situations just to gain the experience. Like I'm using these people to get the experience. Mostly because before I even get into anything with anyone, male, female, friend, foe, family, I know how it will end. Trust me, I am usually right on knowing how it will end, don't call it self-fulfilling prophecy because the endings don't favor me at all, so why would I sabatoge myself?

Sorry to all the people I've used and I forgive you for using me.

Okay, but does she have a point?

Okay, I swear the next post will make sense and have a point lol!!

But i have a lot of shit on the brain. I think too much and too fast so I had to let that out.

I think I might blog about what control and structure mean to me. What do you think?

Bi-polar tendencies, and other rambling thoughts...

For the most part, i am happy. i get so happy at times, it scares me. I get scared because I don't have any reason to be soooo extremely content and then because Im scared cuz i know in an hour my mood can change to where I hate everyone and im pissed for some asinine reason. if you read my other posts, you can tell. I get sooo elated that i wish i could share it with everyone. i just want everyone to feel this way. and i doubt that anyone else feels like this.

the thing is i get in pissy bad moods every day. it's not like im up for a week then down for a week. i am up and down all day. for the most part im in the middle where i love everything and everyone and im smiling cuz the sun is out or because i saw a bird sitting in a tree singing. I'm sappy like that. I love it because being happy makes me happier.

i get over my usual downs quickly and forget them. they're so petty and never geared towards my self-worth. it's usually people that make me feel this way. the negativity never materializes unless im interacting with people.

Literally, sometimes i wouldn't even realize im in a bad mood until i start to talk to someone. so maybe thats not bipolar. maybe i just dont like people lol! But i love people, so that doesnt make any sense at all!!

But there's a time where i go down for a longer time. Well. i know for sure i have a chemical imbalance and i know its got to do with being a female. cuz whenever i feel like crying or i am sad or i hate my life, i just look at the calander and realize it's almost period time. sometimes I'll be like this for 2 weeks straight. The less things i have going on with my life, the more depressed i get when i am pmsing. but if im busy as fuck, then i dont have time to deal with my emotions. i just ignore it somehow and I only cry once and im over it.

I know other people have much more traumatic, troubling and intense feelings than I get, but i am so sensitive everything that i don't know what i would do if I actually was in my worst depressed state for longer than a couple of days.

So i was depressed as fuck exactly one week ago. Over the span of 2 weeks, I slowly slid into this really bad state where it culminated last saturday. i couldnt get out of bed. i didnt want to answer the phone, but i didnt want to scare my sister so i talked to her. rather listened cuz whenever i talked to her, my voice started to quiver which made me want to cry even more. I was ready to quit my job. I didn't want eat. i got up twice just to use the bathroom. I had a bottle of rum by the bed just in case the distracting and numbing effects of the tv didn't work. I was hoping a satellite would fall out of the sky and land on my corner of my apartment building.

But i feel my euphoria coming back. i usually have a way of mentally tricking myself into getting back into my normal happy self, but it was hard this time. real hard. I thank God i am getting back. I feel bad that i felt this way and i let myself dwell on david while i was in this state. but it's like a sponge, this depression. nothing is logical. you know it too. you realize it,but that doesnt take away the worthlessness or unfulfillment that you are experiencing. I keep telling myself not to feel too bad. I feel bad because i think i can control it. i should be able to because this is not me! but i shouldnt feel bad because it really isnt something i can control. even typing that last sentence feels like a lie. I'm in denial. I can control my depression. Sure!

like i said, i was ready to quit my job and go somewhere and start school full time. i got a good job now and i only have like 9 hours credit, so its not like that thought was planned out too good. I blew some money and i did some irrational shit. my impulses were catered to and i fed any and all immediate gratifications that i craved. If i could have gotten out of bed on saturday, i would have bought a ticket to somewhere warm and would have run away. as much traveling i do... see, whenever i get in a sad state on the weekends, i hop in my car and drive somewhere. anywhere. or get on a plane to go see family. Im always on the go. cant sit. i just want to go. now.

Self-destruction

I gave up sex a couple years back. I was successful except the time that I slipped with Me-me, but he was worth it. And although we would have been fine without the sex, I got greedy. And I do regret anything I've done that made him feel bad about himself or me or the situation. I can't have intimacy without penetration. Anyways, back to sex...

I gave up sex for many reasons, but mainly cuz of the mentality I was in. My mentality was self-destructive. Self destructive because I didn't want commitment and I allowed myself to be desensitized with the people I was with. I didn't have too much compassion or respect for the people I had sex with. Two things wrong with that! I felt disgusted that I could treat people that way! Why do I want to be near anyone that I don't respect? I actually looked down on a couple of the guys and that's not me. Secondly, if I viewed them like that, then i know they felt the same way. I never associate myself with people that dont respect me.

So, now that I'm back to square one and single (for real) I am thinking about being that self-destructive self again. Maybe revisiting it. THe only problem with it is I know i will regret it. Maybe this is who I am. I'm confused.

Destined for the unimaginable

I am destined for great things. Things that are far out of grasp of a lot of people. Not just from the possibility of others reaching it, but also from peoples understanding. I don't know what it is. I feel it at times and I try to run away from it by acting normal and like everyone else. And everytime I do that, it backfires in my face. I am not like everyone else.

What am I afraid of? My potential.

Does this make sense?

IM NOT FEELIN IT

Oh I cant take this anymore! I dont want him to call me no more.

I met this dude.... WAIT STOP THE PRESS!! Im having all these problems with the dudes i met when i was whoring! Is this a coincidence? I THINK NOT! Cuz this shit aint right!!

Anyways, Chris calls me occasionally to hook up and since this other dude called me yesterday twice it reminded me of Chris. Well maybe its a coincidence that he called me. anyways we talked and i appreciate the fact that he said: Hey whats up with you and me? And I said what was on my mind: He has a girlfriend and i dont trust myself around him. Well he says were both grown so if the attraction is there then it will happen. Well, yeah, that means if we fuck, then we fuck, but i know thats whats gonna happen because thats the only shit we did when we were talking. The only thing and im not sure if I like him for any other reason. He said he doesn't like rejection which is why he is still trying to screw me after me not seeing him for 3 years. Shit, 3 years, let that shit go!

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE! I promised myself yesterday that i am not going to meet up with any dude i still talk to that i had a half romantic relationship with. Not ever again. I am not rekindling anything. I will talk about my boyfriend and explain that I value myself more than just fucking anyone. I know im worth it, but i know that my actions never showed that. I think guys encounter girls that dont want commitment and just want physical and think the same thing: insecure, needs attention, needs some man no matter how he treats you.

Why and how do I keep meeting these men in my life that think they are God's gift to women? That they need a stable of women? Why? Because, sadly, I think I'm the same way. I like and love every man I encounter. There's something in all of them that I like and love and maybe I cant accept all the qualities in them i take what i can get and am happy with that because, quite frankly, I am not commitment material. Never have been. My longest relationship was with Anthony and it lasted 11 months. And through the whole time, I was itching to be single like Tyrone needs crack!

WTF!

I can't wait.

this is the last post for today.

I talked to him today, and he's gonna call me back this evening. I need this to purge.

I want to get this out of my system sooo badly. I am such a commitment phobe. I am, really. I know that I am afraid to put myself out there because i am scared someone is gonna stomp on my heart! I dont want to look like a fool. But everyone that loves is a fool. I already found that out. But its a good thing, when you find someone that you love and loves you. Oh GOD it's a beautiful thing. I know. So, because I've been in love and have loved, I am NOT afraid to do it again. Shit I am not really afraid of commitment necessarily but of commitment to the wrong person.

I am to sensitive and precious for just anybody to be able to get near.

And for some reason I feel that any commitment with him is wrong. I met him when we were both single and whoring. Excuse the language, but I met him after being with 3 boyfriends in the span of 4 years. I wanted to be single and I did just that. I met him by accident and i called him by mistake. We got together, the sex was good. He said things he shouldn't have told me cuz those seeds were planted and nearly 2 years i re-entered his life to see if he was serious about it. Was he? is he? I don't think it, but I am ready to get to the bottom of it tonight.

I am going to ask him about the baby he doesn't know is his. See how he's doing. You know, keep the conversation light at first. Because as much as I want answers, I just want him to be calm and in a good mood. People don't like to open up when they feel attacked. Then I am just going to speak from the heart. There's so much shit i wanna say, and I am sure if i cover it all, I will overwhelm him. I do that to a lot of people. I just keep shit in and then at last, the words just flow.

Good God, there's so much shit about him that I see wrong. I'm so hypercritical and picky. The scariest thing about that is he is one of the very few people that I am willing to overlook in order to be with. I would never tell him that because he would think he could do to me as he pleases, worse than now!

I am not sure how this is going to end, but any way is better than how I feel now. He will either distance himself further or get closer. I don't see him getting closer so i will go with the former. But that will be good if he does that because I am soooooo used to dealing with only me. And being single for the past 3 years makes it second nature. It's my comfort zone and I can use that brain power and heart space for other things and people. Plus DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN I HAVE TURNED DOWN because I had feelings for this man? I say I'm single, but men can see it in your eyes when ur heart is held hostage by someone.

Alicia Keys - As I Am, Tell You Something Lyrics: I can't wait. I can't wait. I won't wait. I don't wanna wait.

Self-destruction

Today will be the first day of hopefully many days that I will not have a drink. Since about the 20th of December I have gotten drunk or drank an alcoholic beverage every single day. Including yesterday. I can count on one hand when I didn't drink and why.

Wednesday January 2nd because I was sleep all day.
Friday January 4th because I had to drive to New York.
Sunday January 6th because I had to drove home.
Saturday January 12th because I was too depressed.

That's all. Told you one hand. The sad thing is that I've been telling everyone that I have been abusing alcohol and that my new hobby is drinking. I say it in a matter-of-factly way and it kind of seems that people ignore me or choose not to comment.

This leads me to think about two things:

1) wow, if something was really wrong and I was really in danger of hurting myself, I would be screwed because ALL the people I help, not one of them gave or are giving me the support that I give them when they are half as fucked up as I am right now.

2)ain't nobody in my life that important that i get so carried away with my emotions that I destroy myself like that. Not now and never again!

I'm afraid

If you knew me and i told this to you, you would either probably shit your pants and wonder when the aliens where coming. Or you would be like: I know girl! now how does it feel to get that off your chest!?

Im afraid of alot of things and they motivate me to do some crazy things. I don't like to be motivated off of being afraid. Because I get irrational and impulsive. And acting off my impulses is an addicting stress relief to me as well. Not good at all. Cuz that involves dancing, caffeine, and alcohol, and shopping for things I don't need. Now I don't shop in an excessive amount, but just getting those $70 pair of shoes that I'll probably wear every other day for 2 years straight will eat away at my conscience. Don't ask me why, but stay tuned, cuz that will be another post. Yeah, it doesn't make sense, but i rarely do.

So now, the girl that acts like she has it all together which is tiring is fcuk is going to list her fears. (I'm partially blogging this because I think talking to a shrink might mess up my clearance lol, and im to ashamed to ask security).
**Please refrain from laughing, they're all real and yes, moths are scary**

I am afraid to die alone.
I am afraid of committment.
I am afraid of being labeled as boring.
I am afraid of people recognizing my scatter brain.
I am afraid of moths.
I am afraid of being disfigured from burns. I'd rather drown to death.
I am afraid to let anyone get too close.
I am afraid of getting fired even though I'm a hard worker.
I am afraid to let people down.
I am afraid of my pet snake.
I am afraid of having children.
I am afraid of never having children.
I am afraid of mold.
I am afraid of worm holes in the dirt after the rain.
I am afraid to step on worms after the rain.
I am afraid that I will never find someone that will appreciate my uniqueness.
I am afraid of punching someone in the mouth the next time they say "You deserve a good man!"
I am afraid I will get arrested for beating a stranger's ass for staring at me at WalMart, the Mall etc.

This is for anyone who needs a good laugh at my expense!!

I cant be like that. I attempted to be so dumb to act like a girl and be on a boy’s dick, but thats all it is: an act. And I gotta call myself out for being a dumb bitch to try to be that way.

Let me tell u what i been going through: me and he spend some exclusive time together. im the peacemaker and lawyer named by my parents and grandparents cuz i hate confrontation. but just like clockwork, when the going gets great, this man has the ability to push me to the point where i be ranting raving hollering looking silly and stupid. i act like i dont see him, but the nerve of this boy, he over there in the corner peeping at me, laughing, well at least smiling. Why? dunno. he's sadistic.

So, i feel bad and embarassed cuz that aint nothing i do in front of anybody or even by myself on my darkest day. Im fretting at work, cant think straight cuz im wondering if he still respects me even though hes the one that had a part in me getting that way. Is he gonna call me like he said he would? Is this really his real phone number? Just a joke, gotta lighten it up a bit. There is no reason for me to be feeling this way about this dude and he hasnt shown that he dont feel as much as me. When we were out and about gettin it in good and spending quality time, i could see that he was feeling it, but he was pulling back like a mug!!

I mean we was in Jamaica for God's sake!! So we chillin under the moon with a nice breeze coming off the sea. we sittin on the beach. im singing, to noone in particular but feeling good, so he could think i was singing to him cuz i felt that comfortable around him so why in 10 minutes his mood change to him wanting to kick the ass of some dude thats trying to sell shit on the beach? To make shit worse, he storms off and claims he has to use the bathroom and then comes back to retrieve me on a nearby hammock like im a forgotten wine glass.
I left my shoes on the beach and made him go get it. But then what did he do when we went to the bar? He sits with the bartender and figuratively spits in my face and tells him that we're just friends and that he's single and shit. Blah blah blah. how disrespectful?! I mean its true but why u gotta say it like u bout to go find some pussy?

Like u asking the bartender where's the nearest whore house??!! Bitch, u dont know me so Imma let you know:

Im better than that. In fact I'm better than you. Just cuz a bitch told u that she like u and wanna be with you, please dont get that shit twisted and think u can treat me like them other broads! U not dealing with ordinary people! I've stood for lesser shit from people I liked more than you. So why stoop to his level? I shouldn't cuz i really dont know what i have to gain out of getting with him. (okay, thats a lie, he got some good qualities) I scare him. who i am and how wise i am for my age and my positivity and optimism, hope, faith and love scare him and he's not there yet. He probably doesn't know where it comes from and because hes not there, he's intimidated. So just like them men that beat they wives or girlfriends, he tries to knock me down a peg.

He be claiming that he want me to be more expressive in my emotions especially with him. Let him know what im feeling. Good and dandy. I can do that. No big deal, I'll work on it cuz thats just how much I like you. But why you gonna sit there thinking u perfect and u can do no wrong when I tell you that you purposely be pushing my buttons.

Yall, tell me if Im crazy. i will admit it when i am, but this man be doing some shit that I dont get and he know it.

This is for the GIRLS

Its too new in the year for me to be feeling this way. And i know u feeling like this too.

Girls, dont you just hate it when u catch feelings for someone and they not on the same level as you?
Let me rephrase that: Dont you just hate it when you trick yourself into feeling for someone more than they feeling for you? Then you start lying to yourself about little shit just so you can keep the romance going in your head? i mean, really singlehood aint that bad that you gotta put up with shit you got NO business putting up with. Yeah easier said than done, but people just scared now a days. they scared to look into themselves and fix whatever it is in them that make them make the wrong relationship decisions. stand up for yourself and love yourself because if you dont, who the fuck you think gonna do it for you? Jesus and your momma dont count! Dont you know that men can smell insecurity like sharks smell blood!

This is for the BOYS

THIS IS FOR ANY MAN, OR BOY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE REFERED TO:

IF YOU DEALING WITH A REAL WOMAN AND U NOT FEELING HER, LET HER KNOW. i SWEAR YOU WONT BE HURTING HER FEELINGS ANY MORE THAN IF YOU STRUNG HER ALONG.

LET HER KNOW BECAUSE YOU AND HER BOTH KNOW SHE BETTER THAN THAT. IF YOU BEEN MESSING WITH GIRLS, I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR HESITANCY TO TELL HER THAT YOU NOT FEELING HER, CHICKS DO CRAZY THINGS. I KNOW U DONT WANT YOUR TIRES SLASHED AND YOUR MOMMA CALLING YOU WONDERING WHO SOME GIRL IS SITTING ON HER COUCH TALKING ABOUT SHE PREGNANT WITH YOUR KID OR YOU OWE HER MONEY OR SOME OTHER CRAZY SHIT LIKE THAT. I WOULDNT WANT TO BE PUT THROUGH THAT EITHER.

BUT U KNOW WHEN YOU DEALING WITH A REAL WOMAN. SO BETTER YET, IF YOU STEP TO A WOMAN AND U REALIZE AFTER TALKING WITH HER THAT SHE IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, FALL BACK. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. DONT DO IT FOR YOUR EGO TO GET STROKED OR YOUR MACHONESS. I KNOW LIKE THE BEST OF THEM HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE SOMEONE ON YOUR SHIT. BUT PLEASE, KEEP THEM GAMES AND SILLY SHIT FOR THE KIDDIES. EITHER THAT OR GROW UP.

SAY YOU FIND THAT LADY THAT IS A STEP OR TWO UP, EMBRACE HER AND MAKE YOURSELF A BETTER PERSON! DON'T BE AFRAID OF HER POWER AND TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER BY TRYING TO BRING HER DOWN. CUZ I PROMISE, SHE MAY SMELL YOUR BULLSHIT A MILE AWAY OR NOT. AND IF SHE DOESN'T, GIVE IT TIME, SHE GONNA BE LIKE... "WHY AM I ACTING THIS WAY WITH HIM? I DON'T NORMALLY GET LIKE THIS, AND HONESTLY, THIS AINT ME!" WHEN SHE COMES TO THAT REALIZATION, SHE GON LEAVE/DUMP YOUR ASS SO FAST YOU GONNA THINK ITS THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST.

IF YOU REALLY SHOOK HER BAD AND GOT THEM LIES AND DECEITFUL SHIT TO TAKE ROOT INTO HER MIND REAL BAD, YOU HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY AND EFFECTIVELY FUCKED IT UP FOR YOURSELF AS WELL AS ALL OF YOUR POTENTIAL BROTHERS THAT COULD HAVE HAD A GOOD WOMAN. IMMA TELL YOUWHY U FUCKED IT UP FOR YOURSELF. BECAUSE THAT WAS YOUR CHANCE TO RISE UP. I KNOW FEELIGNYOUR SELF AND ALL, BUT SOMEBODY GOTTA TELL YOU. YOU AINT ALL THAT! YOUR PRIORITIES ARE ALL FUCKED UP. YOU ARE INSECURE AND YOU NEED TO ADDRESS THAT AND STOP PUTTING IT ON THE WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE. YEAH, U SCARED AND ITS A BIG STEP TO DECIDE DTO BE A BETTER PERSON AND FACE YOUR DEMONS, BUT JUST THINK HOW HAPPY YOU WOULD BE IF U LET THAT SHIT GO. PLUS U WOULD BE WITH A WOMAN THAT IS BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT. DAMN, IMMA PRAY FOR YOU.

Indecision

I don’t think I can do this. I really don’t want to do any on-line schools or degrees. I want to go to a classroom environment and sit down and learn.

I don’t want to go to school just to get a degree. I wanna learn. Right now I wish I could just quit my job and get a part-time job and go to school full time. I guess I am fighting resentment and emotions with rationality and practicality.

I guess I told myself that im not leaving this job. I said to myself the next time I move jobs, I'm moving to something I like. Or more along the lines of I don’t want to waste my time at another job I don’t like. If I don’t like it so much I could just quit and go to school full time. I mean I have the money, but the question remains: where am I gonna go? What school in what state? Maybe I can take classes at Walden online now as I am waiting on my mind to be made up.