Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm stressed

This is my 69th post. Just thought I'd mention that ;-)

Most people have tons of memories of their childhoods, good and bad. We can almost always relate some of our current actions and reasonings for doing things to memories where our parents influenced us. Some serious, some not-so-serious. Some healthy, some unhealthy.

One of my healthy habits I can relate to childhood is the fact that I like to eat a colorful diet. My mom didn't really follow nutritional guidlines to a T: it's kind of difficult to do that when you're more focused on buying enough groceries for the amount of foodstamps you have for the month. But what she did explain to me was to keep your plate colorful. Just eating all bland-colored food is usually unhealty(white, beige, brown) and veggies and fruit are a great way to colorize your plate instantly!! See: a healthy habit from a childhood memory!

One of my unhealthy habits is my way of dealing with stress. Although ultimately I don't seem to have control over exactly what I stress over, I don't deal with it properly. I remember one time as a child I had a conversation with my mom that has help mold that habit.

I remember as a kid telling my mom one day that I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm pretty sure I wasn't depressed, just really sad! I mean if I realized just how poor we really were, I imagine I would have truely been depressed but I was one of those oblivious kids. Just all innocent and spaced out in my own world. I probably heard the word being used on TV or something, because as you know, that word isn't used in the black community (sadly). Back to the conversation: my mom got soooo mad at me! By the way, I must have been about 10. Maybe younger. I understand I probably didn't understand the context that i used that word and what she should have done was point me to the right word and see just what the fcuk her daughter was "depressed" about. What could possibly be the problem, right?

Wrong! She gave me attitude. My mother explained that I wasn't depressed and that I didn't know what it meant to be depressed. She literally gave me attitude like I was maybe ungrateful of being an innocent child. I felt a vibe similar to a short impatient temper on her part maybe because she felt she was or should be the one depressed because she's got a family of 5 to take after, a husband that she constantly fights with, money issues blah blah blah, you get the hint. Irregardless (i love that made-up word), I felt bad for feeling depressed, sad whatever you want to call it, because somebody I love just may have it worse.

So my unhealthy habit is (actually, i have a 2fer on this one) 1)Stress and get apprehensive to talk about it to others 2)Feel bad for complaining. I am sure I am not the only one. I wasn't necessarily raised specifically to be strong, but inadvertently it's what has help molded me to be the way I am. Now, I said all that to say I AM STRESSED.

I am not depressed, but I have a lot on my plate. I want to talk about it, but then I feel like I sound like I'm complaining or whining. But if I don't let some steam off pretty soon, I am going to crash. I honestly don't see an end to my stress for about a month, but I can't take it physically! My neck is all tight, I'm starting to get headaches at the slightest problems, and I get all fever-like. I'm grinding my teeth at night. I feel like butsting out in tears at the smallest things: Unicef commercials... St Judes commercials, Animal Precint, I can't even listen to love songs anymore. I'm stuck listening to talk radio!

I probably just need a few good cries. I think I may watch The Color Purple just to get the tears started.

I honestly envy my friends because after a good talk with me which usually lasts an hour or so, some of them say "I feel better!" I WANT THAT a nonjudgemental person that understands that they don't have to relate to me or solve my problems, but to just listen and know that they care. I need new friends. No, I just need to talk to Jesus more... well, I just have to listen to Him more and stop worrying (which technically isn't a sin, but sinful nonetheless... does that make sense?)

Friday, March 28, 2008

Resilience... kind of.

Noone should feel like a prisoner in their own life, but I'm happy that she has her outlet, her art and other creative things to help her hold on to her sanity of working in a loveless career. This is what I don't want to become.


Look at his eyes... they tell the story.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Onwards and upwards

I quit I quit I qui-it!! (to be sung in the tune of "Ring around the rosies")

So far so good!! I put my two weeks in on Monday, I also started school on Monday as well.

So I would say in about a month, my stress levels will go back to normal... after I get settled in the new job and I get the hang of school! Things are going well!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Who I attract... this is another long one...

This post covers two things: The kind of men I attract (with some detail to one in particular), and money issues with the men I attract... Apparently they relate to each other, sadly.
I was at the MSN page this morning and i saw a link to an irresistible article about "Are you dating a player?" Frankly, I'm not dating anyone, more like talking to/getting to know... but I figured I'd compare my notes with MSN's notes... I may have some signs that they missed...
Anyway, the first one: "He's bold. For the player, the pickup is a game. He doesn't approach women with the same nerves or awkwardness of a normal guy. He’ll walk up confidently, with a big smile and great eye contact. His manner will be smooth and put-together." blah blah blah It goes on to say that they're not nervous because they do it all the time. While I don't agree nor disagree, it had me thinking about how I act when men approach me.
This struck a cord and I realized that because of how shy, quiet and reserved I act when I meet a potential, I must look like a newbie to the game. That's like blood to a shark! Those "players" automatically assume I am naive and try their hardest to sink their claws in...
The last few potentials... yep, so-called players in my mind ESPECIALLY because each one of them asked for money for some reason or another all nonchalantly Like we've known each other for years. What have you done for me lately? What am i doing that makes you think I'm stupid enough to loan you money to buy a motorcycle (when u admitted u still owe your momma, at the age of 29 still getting loans from her), pay your cousin back, fly you in to see me, trade up your car, pay your child support, etc?
Of course I said no each time, and not all of those have been the specific excuses but you get my drift.
One of them, I just stopped talking to altogether! Especially since he told me that he pushed his Denali down a hill/cliff to collect insurance (he had the nerve to say it all regular-like, what did I expect, this was his second time doing it... silly me). I had to get off the phone with him cuz I literally started to get physically ill! Who in their right minds would do that?!
#1) A Denali? Shit, I woulda bought it off him. Ha ha! Apparently he didn't want to sell it... child support...
#2) I got a clearance. I aint tryna fug with nobody dealing with out of control debt problems and insurance fraud. I ran and never looked back! Just stopped all contact cold turkey.
That was in September, I think... Well yesterday I FINALLY got IM and because i don't know how to log on invisible yet... guess who decided to chat it up... The Denali killer. Eventually thru the convo he asked why I stopped talking to him and why I deleted him off myspace (I'm sooo notorious for that...)
I gave him the usual lie about myspace: ethics complaint at work blah blah blah, investigation involving myspace and coworkers blah. I know ppl can see thru it, but nobody calls me on it, so imma keep using it!! By the way, myspace is a joke.
But i told him the partial truth about why i stopped talking to him. I knew MONTHS in advance that he was gonna ask for money, only it was a matter of time, so I stopped caring what he said. I told my cousin about it like 6 months prior and then he did it. I shoulda played the lotto on it.
Anyways digression is a b!tch... i told him that i don't know how to say no after i say yes (yeah, i told him yes with no intentions of loaning him money because it went with my plan of having SOME reason for never talking to him other than me just being a b!tch). I also told him that I'm bad at communication and I suppress my opinions so that I don't offend people, but i dig a hole so deep, there's no crawling out when I disagree with them. He said he figured that it was about the money. Oh, and that it was childish of me... Yes "That was childish of you!" I laughed and typed, "I know".
I can't tell you how many countless things he's done that are childish and nowhere near manly! One involves him waiting to be courtmarshalled by the military for desertion... among other trifling-ass things he shared with me. He has an uncanny and undeserved sense of entitlement about him! I think i talked to him because of his stories and my morbid curiosity of if he could top himself! I guess he especially thought because he was so honest about everything, he was granted to do anything he wanted, regardless of if it's against normal people's morals and values... Geez, how do I attract these boys? WTF?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Working with old people... it's a doozy.

I feel exx.xxpecially guilty about informing one specific person
that im leaving my old job. it's crazy that i feel guilty cuz she
has that uncanny ability to drive anybody crazy! I am a sick
woman. I feel like an enabler. I protect her from adapting to
the real world and treating others with respect by adapting to her crazy
distortion of realness. By doing that, i minimize her instances
of conflict between her and others.

I can work with anybody. I'm sorry but nobody's coming between
me and my paycheck!

I adapt easily and I selfishly adapted to her so I could actually
have work to do. I don't know if this makes sense
to anybody else, because it doesn't make sense to me!
I know enablers mainly are for addicts, but it applies to this situation
because there's a codependent relationship between us.

its the lady that nobody can work with... I've been working with
her for about 3 years off and on when I'm not deployed.
She literally has run through 7+ people
cuz she is so difficult to work with.

Once, she begged and begged that they hire someone else to assist her.
They jumped through HOOPS to find the money to salary someone.
especially because they can barely justify keeping her position in
the first place.

A difficult woman she is: she's older, forgets stuff
and then blames it on others. shit, she blames stuff on me
all the time to my face without saying it.

she'll tell you to do paperwork
and when you bring it back for her to check, she pulls out a red pen...
WTF, you ask, she used to be a teacher like 15 years ago...
she's very picky. She'll ask
you for your opinion and feedback, but when you start talking,
she either stops listening or starts talking over you.

Don't even decide to ask her a question about
something you worked on yesterday. She'll stare at you
with the blankest of faces. You have to start drawing
pie charts pull out graphing calculators and start alligning
the stars for her to remember... she makes me feel like i'm
speaking in another language. [sigh]

Her style as a team lead sucks! She says,
"lets make this a collaboration! You don't need leadership from me!"
"Please, I welcome your input!" but then when
you start suggesting things [lol] she starts giving you all these
explanations why she does things her way! Like you're
attacking her or something... I figured that out early on,
so i now just suggest things underhandedly and when
she gets it and repeats it, i act like it was her idea.
See, im an enabler!

but nobody probably would want the position i fill as her assistant. hell,
i'm not even supposed to be doing it in the first place! it's just so
boring at work, i'd volunteer to clean the toilets just to stay

Anyway, i digressed. I am the go-to girl for expense reports cuz
she's too busy doing travel arrangements, logging and all that other
boring stuff. A secret between u and me... I've done her job... yep! and
it wasn't THAT hard! She was out for ankle surgery and i was the
only one on the team left! We went from 5-woman team to little ole
me in literally 2 months. she drove 2 people off the team, one other
team member went to iraq, so it was just me to do the work of 5. Um,
i survived! So, yes, it's her!

So why, you ask, do i feel guilty for having to tell her that
I'm quitting? Ha! I told you, I'm a sick woman! Can
the abused wife answer why she won't leave her alcoholic
husband? Can the beraded and down-trodden adult child
answer why he won't stop being in contact with his highly critical,
verbally abusive and degrading father? Can the
hard-working peon answer why she won't leave the needy,
overbearing sensitive-ego boss that pays hard work with a couple
of thank you's and no raise?

Why am I so dramatic? Good God. I got shit to do, i shouldn't have been typing
this out for this long. It got a little out of hand, whoops, sorry!

but I must admit, I do feel better!!

I got the job :-(

**Warning: i am pretty good at stealing my own sunshine,
**so as this is a momentous and celebratory occasion (which I
**will celebrate accordingly, TRUST!) this post is a detox of all my
**negative emotions that pertain to the fact that I have
**a NEW JOB YAY!! :-)

holy sheet i got the job! It has been a stressful month! No wonder I've been
so sleepy. It's hard to look for a new job at your old job whilst still working at 110%...

Yesterday was exx.xxpecially hard. I received my welcome packet the night before from the new job
and with resolve to turn in my resignation letter on Monday, i have been feeling guilty about not telling anyone about it.

I figure just avoid the important people and I won't feel bad like anythings going on.
I know my resignation will come as a shock! Anyways, i got called into my
managers office to complete my counseling for last year and to
receive my raise... uuuuhhhh! Why why why! I felt bad as manager-man told me how well
I did and what he expects out of me for 2008. All the while I'm feeling like shit and
wondering if he and everyone is gonna feel betrayed for me ackin like I'm staying.
(I was called dramatic by my friend because i told her i cried after seeing the
manager and will probably cry in the manager-mans office during resignation-time on Monday)

anyways, i was a little shook for feeling guilty (I'm stupid, right?) so i had to tell my
coworker cuz we share an office and she probably would have thought i got
fired by the way I was carrying on: nothing too crazy, just that i was blushing and
my ears were red as fcuk!

well i told her and she looked sad, as to be expected! Who's gonna watch the
bachelor with her on Tuesday mornings? who's gonna share scones with her cuz she's
on a strict diet? who's gonna... i cant think of anything else, but i swear she's gonna miss me!
I'd miss her! Probably cuz there's NOTHING to do at work but keep each other company and stay awake until your 9 hours are up.

Well I'm going through all types of emotions but I've been really good at surpressing
them. Next week is going to be rough. I will have to face the friends i havent told. i will cry.

Hi, my name is _______ and I am dramatic at goodbyes.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Digging deep

I just want to take a minute to reflect on my life. the romantic/relationship side...

I think my values and standards need a bit of evaluation and a time for analyzing my actions is in order. It's interesting that when you have a strategy for something and it doesn't work, you adapt and tweak your formula so that you have a better chance of being successful the next time around. Why don't I apply this to different areas in my life?

There is a constant and predictable response I give to people and myself when my singleness is up for discussion. "I am picky," I say. I always say I know what I need in a man. I have high standards and my dream guy needs to possess all the traits of my laundry list. Besides, I know what I like. I know a lot of women and men can agree with that statement.

But I find many flaws in that statement.

That is the same tired-ass line (excuse) that I have been using as a security blanket all these years. Frankly, I must admit: I am a commitment-phobe. Regardless of the reasons why, or what circiumstances have made me fear commitment, I just am. However I can easily conceal that issue by conveniently saying that I am picky. For some reason, it just seems more acceptable to say you haven't found that perfect person versus saying you have commitment issues. Who want's to admit to that?! I bet that's the most common problem among single people now-a-days.

Also, when I say I have high standards and I know what I want in a man, I am actually saying that I think I know who can handle me. Well, it's kind of dismissive to have a list of rights and wrongs to judge a person's relationship potential to. People are adaptive and learn from experience. I guess I feel like I'm not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm actually putting myself on a pedestal (not deserved or relationship/friendly spot). I would be offended if I was feeling a guy and he wasn't all that interested because I'm not everything he hoped for. We learn, grow, and compromise as we go forward in relationships. That's the excitement of being in a relationship. I think I'm looking for a ready-made husband I guess. And that's not fair because I'm not a ready-made wife.

Also, having high standards in the opposite sex implies that I have my shit together ha ha LOL! I am seeking perfection when I myself am perfectly flawed. I am not perfect and I know I'm not average. I am unique and eccentric. I am very random and scatterbrained, yet thoughtfully caring and a deep thinker. I am not that emotional when it comes to my life and personal affairs, but I am an emotional person. I expect people to confide in me and I want to be the rock and moral support for them, but it is hard for me to allow my friends to be my support. In my mind, I'm more goofy and silly than anything, but for some reason, that turns on the opposite sex when they are first-hand witnesses to it. I am a hard worker and sort of a people-pleaser (which I think is annoying...).

I am my worst critic and I am hard on myself when it comes to performance. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong (also annoying...). For the most part, I am good at ignoring my conscience. But when I meet people during those periods and my conscience gets too loud to ignore and it goes back into effect, I distance myself from the people I've been with, and everything they and I've been partaking in is WRONG! I hate being so flip-flopy, but it seems like if I don't ignore my conscience sometimes, I will live a very dull and boring life. The bad thing is I am nurturing the bad habit of being in short-term friendships/relationships. If I keep exercising the right to just dump people because of my temporary lapse of judgement, I will strengthen all the wrong emotions that are needed to cut people off and shut feelings down.

I know I have a lot of issues about myself. Some things that will be with me until old age and some things that I may change if it becomes out of hand. I am the first person to say that I need someone non-judmental, but aren't I judging by having this stupid list?

I'm scrubbing my list. It's just not working for me. It never has!

Q: Why use the same blueprint over and over again if the building keeps falling?
A: You don't.

Monday, March 17, 2008


I start a semester of school in about a week and I am TERRIFIED!! AAAHHHH! Seriously, I have 3 classes, and one is math. After one unfortunate incident this weekend, I have decided to drop Sociology and just take two so I can devote most of my study time in BEGINNERS Algebra. I have been avoiding this class for quite some time (uuuuggghh, I feel stupid).

See, I am slow when it comes to math. I used to be good. I had A's all the way up to high school, but now that my brain doesn't use it as much, my math muscles have atrophied. Case and point: On Saturday at IHOP I spent 5 minutes on trying to figure out the bill. I couldn't add $27.30 and $7.00. When I finally did, I was so excited!! My friend laughed at me cuz i made a silly face, but seriously, I was excited!!

Well, before we drove off, me and my friend talked in the parking lot for a few minutes cuz we drove separately, but then the waitress came running out saying there was a problem with the bill... Please tell me why my addition came up with $11.30? Lawd Jezus! I tried to redeem myself and figure out the correct amount, still getting it wrong. The waitress was like "I'll tell you what to write, don't worry about it" My friend had a good laugh. I wanted to laugh too, but I was too confused: why would I think that $11.30 would cover a $27.30 bill. Who does that?

I am afraid that if I can't add, what teacher would trust me to use a graphing calculator?! Geez, I need a tutor and some coffee.
Good morning world!

First off, let me just thank God for my health! I usually have at least two things nagging away at my body that make me feel never at 100%, but who is 100% healthy? Besides, I'm 25 and I'm not getting any younger, so I guess I better get used to it!

I gained perspective this morning when I read that Patrick Swayze has been fighting cancer.

I'm healthy. I don't have cancer or any debilitating disease that consumes my life. I have my life ahead of me and the ability to persue my goals with 100% attention towards them. I am blessed.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Look what I can do!!

I made this on my own :-) I'm so proud of myself!!
I wanted some Cinnabon and the closest one to me is at the Airport. Granted, the airport is only 20 minutes away and I've been known to drive a half hour to 45 minutes to quell a craving (no, I'm not pregnant...). But there's something gratifying about making good tasting food on my own.
So, I had a rough day at work and decided it was time to try out a recipe I found for "clone of Cinnabon". I even got to use my new food processor!! Yay!!
Side Bar: Let me tell you, I think the smartest investment's I've ever made were at Macy's!! In November, I bought a $400 coat at Macy's for $175!! Then I bought a food processor in February for a good discount. But I use that food processor for EVERYTHING!! I'm too lazy to cut stuff, and not strong enough yet to roll out some good dough... LOVE IT!! Thanks, Macys. I still resent them for buying Hechts, though.
Anyways, these buns were good! I had half of one last night, fresh out the oven and then i was bouncing off the walls from the sugar. I brought the rest into work today and shoved them into people's mouths. Not that they couldn't be sold on their own merit, but if they stayed on my desk for 5 more minutes, i would have eaten them ALLL MMUUUUHHHAHAHAHA!! (Evil laugh).
So now I have a craving for some lasagna and while I have nothing against Stouffer's frozen lasagna, i just want to make it cuz i never attempted to. The only thing that stinks about me wanting to make food is I can't eat what I want because of my Acid Reflux. but I'm happy to give it away as long as it tastes good. I'm my worst critic, so I won't even try to push something off to someone if it tastes bad.

Monday, March 10, 2008

You'll poke your eye out!!

I told a couple of people at work that I got skeet in my eye... thats why the eye patch and later the sunglasses... For some reason, it sounds better than just saying im a bumbling idiot and I hit myself in the eye.

I went to the eye doc today and have been diagnosed with traumatic iritis: my iris, the colored part, is inflamed cuz i hit it. I'll be okay in a few days as long as i keep it dilated. Steroid drops... they're helping a lot! Thank God cuz i drove to work with only one eye in the twilight of the night this morning... with sunglasses on. I dont know how i made it, but I cant afford to drive that wrecklessly again!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Arrrggg! Im a pirate!!

im a pirate!! Okay not really, but I got a make-shift patch like a pirate!

Let me explain: I hit my eye in the worst way! I was doing laundry, putting away my bikini top when i noticed a knot! As I proceeded to take out the knot, I pulled one end of the elastic strap and let go by mistake. With acute precision and enviable finesse only professional and habitual klutz's can finagle, I hit myself directly in the eye with the end of the knot. Did I mention there are metal accents on the ends of the straps? Oh yeah, not good at all.

So that was last night around 6pm. I was on the phone with my cuz when it happened and I could only manage to say 5 words when it happened: "Oh shit! I gotta go!" Who says that when they are in excruciating pain and they think they have just blinded themselves? I guess I didn't want her to worry. Well i hurt myself bad and I tried to walk it off, this is what the army taught u when you got hurt. So I paced my apartment praying to Jesus like I needed forgiveness for killing my mother... I opened my eye just to make sure I could still see and I had blurry vision, so I was okay for the moment. It hurt enough to cry, but I held it in... UNTIL

I quickly looked to my right and noticed that my injured eye wasn't following AAAAHHHH! I just knew God was punishing me for all those years of making fun of my cock-eyed little brother. My eyelid was swelling and I had some blood showing up on the white part, so me being me, I started crying. If there is anything wrong with me physically, I can cry like I'm being sent to the electric chair. I hate being hurt. I just knew my eye wouldn't be the same! I dont want to be cross-eyed, i kept telling Jesus! Please, God, heal me!

I called my sister to ask her what to do, and in between sobs, I explained to her what happened. She laughed at me! I mean she gave me good advice AND gave me a month off with no laundry, but she laughed. I laughed too, but have you laughed and cried at the same time? Very disturbing feeling! So I got off the phone with her, took an ambien and went to sleep.

As of 1:05pm, Sunday, my left eye still hurts. I closed all my blinds and curtains, because my eye burns and its still light sensitive. I'm pissed that I ruined my own plans for the weekend! I just wanted to stay at home, pig out and watch free movies on Comcast. I cant do that with one eye! Even using the good eye makes the bad eye hurt!

Pray for me. I use my eyes for my job... I know that everyone does, but I mean like if you don't have depth perception, you aren't allowed to work in this profession. I'll make an appointment tomorrow to see if all I need to do is wear my patch for a bit or something. Hopefully its not that serious, but It shouldnt hurt when I try to look left and right either. I'm tired of being clumsy [sigh].


I went to jamaica for vacation two weeks ago. (Unrelated to the topic of this blog, and for those of you that would like to know: The sun there, it's on steroids. But I have digressed.) For some reason typing this feels like a confession, rather than an announcement, or an out-loud thought. I loved it on my vacation, and had a great time, but I just dont like telling anyone I went because the first time I went, I didnt like the reaction I had gotten from friends and family.

When I tell people I went to Jamaica, the first thing that comes out of their mouths are: "I'm hating! lol." I appreciate honesty in all situations, but this is RIDICULOUS!! Literally everyone except 2 people (out of 20+) said this. If you know me, you know this is a well-deserved vacation! Everyone goes: I want to go to Jamaica! Why didnt you tell me! I hate you!

I must confess, I have been less than honest with my friends and family! If i were even an ounce honest with them, they woulda got cursed the fuck out! I cant tell you how many times I've been told by coworkers, fam&friends about their trips to Greece, Japan, Mexico, Peru, Chile, Africa, hell, even California! In my heart, i felt I was just as well-deserving to go on a trip, but I never showed that! I was genuinely happy for them because it sounded like an adventure I would enjoy. Damn, I'm a good person.

I just wanted to share my vacation with you with an added guilt-trip just in case you were hating. Maybe one day I will write about it. But I will say now that you should go to Jamaica. There are cheap tickets out there. Everyone needs a break! You don't need the ideal partner, or the bestest friend, but just someone you trust not to take your shit when you two are sleep at night in the hotel. Save up and go!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Still single.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to find a suitor, husband, mate for life, father of my future children. I liuve in the WORST place to get a man. I never get hit on nor do I see any man I am interested in. There are almost noone my type where I live. I might as well live on the North Pole... anyways,

I mentioned to one of my supposed best friends that I jokingly might go online to find a man, and with disgust she vehemently explained to me why she thought it was tasteless... Understandable, but she's divorced now. So, doesn't that mean her advice is null and void?

Anyways, I just remembered that nugget of a memory while i was watching that reality show Millionaire Matchmaker. I wish I had friends or family concerned enough to put me on a blind date...