Thursday, September 29, 2005

Someone said "She's pretty. She's skinny too!" What?! Then some other occasion he said "She would be so pretty if she lost a few pounds."Huh? This guy is saying what I'm thinking. Why am I getting mad at him? Because I have the decency to keep un-nice comments to myself.

Does that make me better? No. I hate myself when this happens. There are some times where I just want to point out an observation: "He got some BIG ears!!" But I know nothing good is going to come out of that statement. I'm just being mean, picking on someone. Not nice. I do know better. I accept everyone for what they are. There is good in everyone. Including me, even tho i have the tendency to be over-critical of superficial things that don't make people who they are. So who cares if you have big feet. What does it matter if you have tiny elf ears? Does that mold who you are?

This guy told me I am attractive. I told him I don't like to hear compliments. "Why?" Because, at this point in my life, I am getting way too much attention because of how I look. Why should I be treated differently because my countenance is more pleasing to your eye? What if i was horribly disfigured? Would I be treated so fairly? I just want things to be equal. Your looks don't last a lifetime. What I would give to have someone accept me for everything I have to offer. Mind, Body and soul. Sad thing is, I can't deny that I'm the same way . Not to blame it on society, but our society does glorify beauty. Everyday we are told thru media, our peers, things like that: It pays to look good. Even tho I try my best not to be overly attractive, I still need the acceptance of the opposite sex. It's a never-ending struggle. I guess the conflict is in my head. My ego against my conscience.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

thinking back 2

He put on his music starting off with John Legend "Ordinary People" and went down the list. I've heard all the songs b4, but for some reason, they all sounded so crisp and clear.

My senses were at peak. I felt the sun on my back | his tongue on my neck | his lips on my cheek | his arms around my waist | my hands up his back |my head on his neck. We fit perfectly.

I didn't do anything with him. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to, but I didnt. I want a little more respect from him in front of his friends or whoevfer.

I told him to come visit me. I hope he will.

thinking back 1

I went to see him. It was sooooo good to see him! I wish I could stay in his arms forever. It was really good to see him.

His clear complexion his full lips. That big smile! I forgot all about the little details in his face. He was cute as ever.

We talked about everything. I told him straight off the bat I wasn't having sex with him cuz of alot of things. I didn't want to get on the road all sleepy after having sex with him cuz I know (!) how it would have been

He was talking about "Just 5 minutes" I said no! "Let me taste you" No. "How about a shower, and I'll eat you there" NO!

He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I just needed some good dick and that's why I broke up with tony. I want to be by myself and get my own space.

He said HE's not looking for that [guess we changed roles]. He's looking for a friend, lover, homegirl, someone to chill with and hold it down.

What's going thru my head right now is if he's
serious about getting serious, am i embarassed
or ashamed? Then, I think: no, i was with tony
but i dont feel the same. even
tho there was no reason to be like
that with tony. If they find out
will i down-play it? I think it was
the age thing.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Regretfully, I regret not regretting...

I know I tell people I don't regret anything. For a while, I believed it. Regret is just a waste of time, I said. Why waste so much mental energy on things you can't change. Just learn from it and move on. If it was that bad, then never do it again.

Well now I'm starting to think differently. Maybe regret is your conscience's way of teaching you from right and wrong in a meaningful way. Maybe I need to feel the shame from regret so I can learn remorse for my actions. Now, I'm starting to look back on certain things and I'm just feeling real bad about some stuff. I knew it was wrong after I did it, but now that I look back and reflect, it's like: whoa!! Maybe I'm in a different frame of mind where I actually am more aware and my discernment between right and wrong is more tuned. I don't know anymore...