Sunday, May 16, 2010

Dear Anthony,

I look back at what we had. I grieve over how it ended and how I acted and not knowing how to change things, paralyzed with going forward and being ashamed that I didn't know if I wanted to. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if we were together.

But more so, the nightmares and dreams throughout the years of rejection and indifference from you are what resonate more clearly, vividly and frequently (clearly not from any way you acted towards me in real life). Those dreams are the key to healing myself. If I am so marred and by my own actions that even my dreams haunt and betray me, I can only imagine what affect it played on you.

I am truly sorry and I believe my sincere apology should have been relayed to you much, much sooner. Unfortunately my comfort for the pattern of not getting too close to people is a defense mechanism I unconsciously was addicted to.

I was distancing myself from the people that cared about me most, partly because I felt I didn't deserve it. The self-perceived nurturing I didn't think my parents, more so my mom, gave me had a huge affect on how I thought others should love me. My mentality was if she didn't show she cared by calling writing or maintaining some kind of correspondence and symbols of love, I somehow believed that it was something I did and in turn, was not lovable. I felt, especially with you, if people get to know the real me, then they would want to leave too.

It is only recently I have been able to admit it in writing, let alone out loud.. I know it is not true and am actively unweaving this and other untruths out of my psyche. Being with you, I was able to love my self more; you forced me to pay attention to my own body and soul.

Some tragic events recently took place that has made me face many things about myself. If I am not honest with others, I am not being honest with myself.

A lot has happened since we were. I know you were and are destined for great things, as I am. I pray for you, it seems sometimes, more than for my family. The prayer I pray is for the mending and healing for you of all the wrong that I did.

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