Thursday, December 04, 2008

*(Disclaimer: one-sided, entirely: my side.)

I went home for the Thanksgiving holiday. My sister, her husband and his sister and my niece went home too (home isn't home, but actually the city where the bulk of my immediate family and grandparents relocated to in the 90's.) It was bitter sweet. I wanted to cry at the airport leaving just thinking of the lack of support/nurturing from my parents towards my brother. I just got drunk at Chilies off of Margaritas instead, it numbed the pain pretty well.

It angers all of us at how complacent and non-committal they are and how blatantly obvious it is that they don't want anything to do with their kids if they're still kids or if they need anything. We all have jobs, we don't need anything from them because they've forced us to be independent, heck, they've been asking us for money since our single digit ages, but it still angers/saddens us in different degrees at how it affects us.

My sister pointed out that when I went to get my mom from work, when we came back to the house, she didn't even come see her one and only granddaughter that she's only seen 3 times. She just gave us the deuce and went to her room. Okay, so ignore us, but at least try to act like u care about a baby who didn't do nothing to you. I know u tired, but c'mon! We joke about the behaviors and actions of our parents but we don't ever talk about how it affects us and our choices in our adult lives. I know it's made me how I am, and I know my sister is how she is because of them cuz she saidto her husband: Maybe u can understand me more now that you see where i came from.

No wonder why I cried so hard when I left my friends families house in California back in August... they were so caring and loving to me. Someone they didn't even know! Some stranger off the street, but they housed me and fed me until I couldn't think straight. When I got on the plane going home, i was so touched by the love that I obviously cannot get from my own family I bawled! I'm trying to keep it together now, but it's difficult. I got finals to study for and parties to celebrate at and I really can't dwell on this right now cuz i need the energy for the positive things.

I may have to make a call to my mom and tell her how i feel. But i know how that'll go. " I didn't know thats how you took it. I was tired. Your brother will be fine, he doesn't need my help: just look how u and ur sister turned out!" Then she'll get defensive and blame it on the way she was raised with her parents, like she's some kind of cyborg with no capacity to think on her own. Excuses. She'll get hurt and she'll express that and then it'll be another year till we see them again. When my brother is out the house, I won't be going back for a while. I have no reason because there's no real positive interaction when I go home.

"So how are your parents?" "I guess they're good, but I'm not happy with what I saw." Nothing has changed.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

No title

There are many things i am ashamed of. One of them is something I don't think anybody shares: how much or little respect they have for their parents. Among my siblings and I, its a running joke. It's the only way we feel any justice for the parents we were given. We talk mad shit about them. They deserve it... sometimes lol, but i dunno, i feel bad.

I respect and love my parents to no end. No End. I would give my life for them, but a long time ago I thought I lost respect for them for the bad choices they made that affected themselves and their children.

Now that I am older I understand that it's more that I respected them, but not the things they did. But when i was younger, because they made bad choices, i would use that to my advantage, rub it in their faces and hold it over their heads. It's like holding a fault somebody has against them. Manipulation and revenge rolled into one.

Crying... again...

There are the times where i look back on myself as a child and I weep. I am saddened by the assumptions I made from the actions of my parents. I mourn for the child that got lost along the way. I was so loving, caring, emotional, free-spirited. I wanted to do nothing more than love and be loved. Why couldn't life just be that easy. I was shut down repeatedly by my parents, specifically my mom.

I don't blame her, though. I cry for her as much as I cry for me because i know she was raised by strict parents from the Caribbean. They themselves, as she explained to me just last week had rough upbringings: grandma wasn't wanted by her parents and given up by a nasty split-tongued mother that was biracial back when it wasn't cool. grandpa was raised by a dictator father with an iron fist and too many children to know what to do with.

So, that loveless bond was passed down from generation to generation, almost guaranteed to be passed down when packaged with "Do as I say, not as I do" "Don't question your parents" and "Because I said so". Thankfully along with that bottomless heart, God blessed me with an uncanny sense of smell for bullshit and the courage to speak up (when you're far enough away NOT to get backslapped). As I got older, I questioned my parents when things didn't add up, but by that time it was too late: the scar tissue had grown over my heart. I've been picking it off the last few years. it took a while for me to start the process of breaking myself to build myself back up. It's not easy.

Big Girls Don't Cry

I don't know how that other crying post got away from me at the end. Short attention span, bless my heart!

I pull out a journal entry archive of Jan 23, 2007. Back when I was trying to free myself from mental bondage:

Today is January 23 2007

Penelope Cruz said when she was acting in a movie of another language:

"Oh so scary... I was always going to the bathroom to cry and coming back and trying to hide it"

So I was thinking if something is so scary
and makes you cry, why would you do it"
I dunno... If something made me cry like that
I wouldn't subject myself to it. Why? Because
of what it means to me when I cry. It shows
weakness. And vulnerability. You can't control
your emotions and you let someone get to you
and affect you that closely that u cry. But
apparently that's not the case with her. She
uses it because she is scared. Maybe it's
like peeing when drinking a lot of beer or
trying to hold smoke in when there's a fire.
If that's the case, then it's a release thing.

Maybe people like Penelope are so much more
in touch with their emotions. maybe life
is so much more
different for someone
who can cry. What if I was really
stresed and about 60-90 percent
of my anxiety would be relieved through
crying. maybe I'm missing out on that.
So say If I went out and
cried. Then felt better. In my mind
I would think that ppl would be thinking
that im childish. That I cant be a grown
up and act accordingly. When i was
a child, crying was frowned upon.

My mom would tell us if we cried
"You better stop crying or I'll give
you something to cry for". I mean,
then you stop crying because the thought
the mere thought of your mother that
you love dearly more than anything will
give you unwarranted pain unjustified
over your crying, which by the
way isn't always controllable!

Oh, my God, are you serious? You can't be
serious? You would really hit me? That
would make me even more sad and I could
see myself crying even more.

It's like you're not allowed to cry over
your feelings. Not allowed. No emotions are
intense enough to warrant tears. Only
pain. Physical pain."

I'm crying inside and outside

I have GOT to get over this fear of crying!! OMG total ridiculousness! lol,

Why oh why do I associate crying with weakness?! As my mother says: Pray tell!!! (Damn, my momma's weird, speaking in Medieval Shakespearian old english... ha ha).

Anyways, I have been going through the reversal process of disallowing myself to feel. To connect emotionally and empathize, as i do so well. I would say that my progress is good. I am sentimental about almost anything, which is to be expected. I can't watch "The Locator" without crying my eyes out, and I get choked up when I listen to When You Believe by Whitney and Mariah... Progress indeed.

I am not sure where I am going with being in touch with my emotions, I just know that I'm tired of being numb.

My next choice I am afraid of, though. Scared shitless, even. Doing it would even allow me to tap into my raw unabridged unbridled self, and to be honest I am afraid of myself. I know I am being kind of vague, but let me try to break this down for u.

#1: My next choice: getting off of the Depo Shot. Why I am scared? Depo supresses my cycle. It also suppresses my libido, yearn for the opposite sex, and emotions that I encounter every month. Forget PMS, have you heard of PMDD??

#2: Why i am afraid: My emotions are on steroids when I go through the monthly cycle without Depo. I cry for no reason, I am sad for no reason, mad for no reason, ecstatic for no reason, and this is for two weeks out of the month. Who has time for that?! I dwell on thoughts that are meaningless to the average person during this time, I question and analyze anything and everything people say to me or do to me. I am just too strung out on unimportant things. My emotions get the best of me and although I KNOW better, rational and logic thoughts are pushed out of my head by irrational, emotion fueled nasty toxic thoughts. I feel like I have no control over myself or what I'm thinking. It's a scary place to be.

Once I was soooo tired and afraid of my own self destructive thoughts that I went to a ob/gyn and she prescribed me... uggghhh... Sarafem (aka Prozac).

I hate PMS.

Monday, November 03, 2008

I'm not free

I know I'm free. everyone keeps telling me that. My ancestors fought for my freedom. I could not be where I am today because of them. I get it. But the more I learn about economics and I guess delve deeper into philosophy, I realize I am NOT FREE.

The moment I am born in my society i am in debt. I am taxed upon, counted and categorized. I am worked into the system of census, the education system, Selective service (for males), accountable for taxes from the IRS, expected to abide by the rules and norms of this country. Anything I do that goes against the grain is not only frowned upon, but the "system/government" has so many things in place to make my life living hell, a total nightmare if I don't want to just be normal. I am bound by FICA scores, credit scores, library cards that track my knowledge gaining, bank account statements, timecards that track my hours, hell, even web browser history. I am penalized if I move too many places in a short amount of time. Hell, the ground I walk on isn't free. Dirt is free. rocks are free. but the space that it occupies, oh, u gotta pay for that. I can't breath. I am claustraphobic just thinking I can't come and go as I please. i can't even leave the country on a whim if I want.

I don't mean to sound too extreme, but it's such a sad realization that I can't even be friends with whoever I want without the government potentially wanting to know AND maybe holding it against me at a later date. Uuuughghgghgh. What to do? I dunno. It's just frustrating and disheartening at the same time. I'm tired of the playing the bullshit games that man has invented like stocks, real estate, corporate ladders, , retirement, institutionalized religion, and shit, institutionalized education for that matter. Why should I prove my existence and compete with so many people on a plane that will never be even? I am frustrated because I am told what is supposed to make me happy, like having a good job, a nice car, a college education, my own home to live in for 50+ years, a husband, children and grandkids. Who the hell said that's what I want? I don't have to and you can't make me.

Everybody that knows me knows that I don't like people telling me what to do, lol. Is it evident?

Please don't be alarmed, these are just thoughts, I won't be staging an uprising anytime soon. No coups here. And I'm not that good at being an agitator either. Just some thoughts that have been bouncing round and round and round.


Whenever some topic is on my mind, for some odd reason, it comes at me in many directions and in many vessels. Maybe it's the law of attraction, I won't pretend to understand but I'll take it for what it's worth. For instance: I was reading a fiction book about soul mates, wisdom, following your dream. I was struck with the thought that while I am constantly absorbing knowledge, I need to think about wisdom as well, and learn more about it. It is just as, if not more important...

So, the next day i call my grandmother and my uncle and within minutes of each other (not even aware of each other's convo with me...) they both talk to me about wisdom, its importance and why I should seek it. I did not ask them any questions, nor did I present any problems or things that were on my mind. I don't want to say eerie, because it would take the attention away from the fact that I need to focus on wisdom. This happened two weeks ago.

So then 1)at work someone calls me a libertarian without me knowing what the heck that is 2) i keep having thoughts of the impossibility of freedom in our society and 3)I had discovered that my views are libertarian in philosophy class and we talked about free will. All in about 4 days did these three things happen. They are all connected and are related to each other. Again I find it interesting that it almost always comes in threes.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

One Saturday Morning

my gramma said something that my mind put in its back pocket only to pull it out later when I least expected it and punch me in the gut while i was frying up some jimmy dean sage sausages. the eggs were overcooked, and i burnt the sausages. i gladly sacrifice my breakfast than chip away at my self-esteem.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I run like a girl :-)

I ran 13.1 miles this Sunday. I did it up hill, then down hill, then up hill, then down hill again and a gain and again. It was difficult. It was cold. It was windy. It was challenging. The scenery was breathtaking. I cursed myself outloud at the base of each hill. Running up hill for almost 2 miles in San Francisco is SUCH A RUSH! I'm still high off of my accomplishment. 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 17 minutes. and 40 seconds. Nike Women's Half Marathon, San Fracisco, October 19th, 2008.

I do, and it's okay.

I like The Shins.
I stare strangers in the eye, yet I can't even look my best friends in the eye.
I wear flip-flops in the winter.
I eat cereal for dinner more times than I should.
I am superficial, I love symmetry.
I love everyone. Everyone.
I despise people, including myself.
I am a night owl, yet I go to sleep at 8:30 every night.
I secretly want to be an actress.
I want to write short stories.
I hide my emotions from myself.
I cry for myself sometimes.
I really like a guy I met. Who knows what will be, but my life is better because I know him.
I love a guy, one of my soul mates, and he loves his wife.
I judge myself.
I dance in public.
I sing out loud at the grocery store. I tell myself I'm serenading passersby.
I am free.
I am happy.
I am sad.
I am ornery.
I am anxious.
I am restless.
I say words the wrong way.
I have a flighty attention span.
I have great attention to details and things around me, until I'm with others. Then I stop thinking.
I like to be taken care of.
I want to service others.
I mistake people for mannequins.
I mistake mannequins for people.
I only have basic TV.
I change clothes at least 3 times a day if I'm home on weekends.
I love loooooong socks.
I am messy.
I can't work in a cluttered environment.
I contradict myself.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Instead of feeling like a complete idiot for not understanding the material in my ECON 100 class, I will admit that I have a lot going on and that i don't think I have time to study as thoroughly as I should. I dont because i don't get it and I think studying math is more beneficial. Math doesn't have multiple choice questions, so i have a higher chance of guessing the right answer in economics tests.

I cannot wait until i am done with this marathon then i will have time to study like i should be, versus waking up so friggin early on saturday mornings to run 5-10 miles. THat just kills the rest of the day because after using that much energy, all i am good for is stuffing my face trying to replenish those calories lost and sleeping because I am exhausted. plus running to the gym every other day for 1 1/2 hours where as i could be studying instead. 3 classes isn't a lot. i just need to do better time management.

I will be alright. everything will be okay. i will pass Economics.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

You gotta have F-A-I-T-H!!!

people would rather see you suffer in your quest for the existence of God than to free you of your mental war and tell you that you can believe anything you want. Not just because it is against their religion to denounce God.

Maybe for a bit, your questioning and prodding for proof almost awakened that small ounce of doubt in their own minds that they've struggled with in the past. They've successfully buried it with all other "poisonous thoughts" for so long. That is not a fond trip down memory lane.

So their adamantly strong hard-headed tactics, while abrasive and one-sided to you, may seem like it is meant to attack you, it is also to save someone of their sanity. Save them of slipping back into one of the most feared, troubling and terrifying mind games someone can experience, especially after being taught by everyone that He does exist.

Just a hint of doubt in anyone, especially the Church, your mama and Grandma, feels like betrayal in the highest degree. It causes you to look over your shoulder for that stray rain cloud carrying the lightning bolt that will signal your demise and your failure in the true game of Life.

Monday, July 14, 2008


I have the tendency to find the "meaning" behind everything. That evolves into finding the silver lining in every cloud. There's always something positive or good out of any situation. Either that or I have yet to be proven wrong.

Once I went through a very tough situation that really tested me. I am blessed to have been able go through it because it showed me just how much I could handle and withstand. With Jesus' grace, mercy and strength, of course.

I recently was going through some tough situations (this means, i'm having an internal battle, mind-fight aka stressing) and I told a once-thought best friend that I was in need of support. I told her that I felt so desperate that I was going to get a tattoo of "Jesus" on my hand, just to constantly remind myself that I'm NEVER going through anything alone. It hurt me to no end when she told me that I shouldn't get it and she's happy I didn't rush out to the tattoo place like I told her I felt like doing. I asked myself how could I be friends with her so long and NOT know she felt this way? that she wouldnt support me through my tough times? that she didn't support and actually dis-acknowledged my relationship with Jesus? It hurt. But Jesus got me through, and while I didn't run out and get a tattoo, I did write His name on my hand and faithfully darkened it in with a black pen after every hand wash for two days straight.

I was just about to fall asleep when I saw someone. I saw him, almost too clearly and it scared me so bad to think I would wake up and he wouldn't be here with me. Sad that I'm afraid to sleep and dream about my love. I've never cried harder in my life than the last day I would see him. I was so torn with my emotions and wondering if I should express them. I felt that I should hold back cuz the outcome was looking grim, but I thought maybe by me holding back, I was writing the actual ending to our story, that maybe thats all it took was for me to run after him. Is it too late? Am I overstepping my bounds? My kindred... Maybe me and him together would be like in Hancock.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been so close to tell him these things. I just don't want to be selfish and burden him with this if he's not at the place to work with me. At a point in time, we saw eye to eye! I don't know what he told himself to get over me, but I told myself he had died and that I'd never see him again. that was the only way i could concentrate on getting back to normal. to continuing without him. I am ashamed to say I live for the moments he emails me to see how I'm doing, I live off of his successes. Thats one of the many things he taught me. I know that's what he's doing when he emails me, he wants some of my positivity and good news.

I am blessed to have crossed paths with him. Even if our time together was fleeting.

Friday, July 04, 2008

I missed you!! Yeah, you!

AAAAHHHHHH!! What the fudge!@ It's been soooo long! I just finished my finals at the end of june, i just moved literally 2 days ago, and I'm training for a half-marathon (13 miles) I know it sounds like a lot of miles, but i'm excited and a closet running-lover, even if my body doesnt agree with me half the time.

Thank you, quarter-life, for that comment! I was thinking about how you were doing and thinking about how I miss reading your blog and wondering how you are and all the other blogs I miss reading.

The last few posts I was saying how much I knew I would be busy and overwhelmed with new job, school and eventually moving all in three months and how i couldnt wait until things start to calm down. I honestly can say that it was hectic but I am soooo proud of myself for all the hard work I put in and got out of it. I got 2 As. I am doing a wonderful job at my new... uh, job lol. And I have moved as of this wednesday. Actually Im at my old apartment packing up (and using the internet cuz i gots none at the new pad :( ...)

Well, im supposed to be packing but i got this bottle of yellow tail im tryna polish off cuz VA has that Open Bottle law, and im a law-abiding citizen with a clearance so Im not tryna get in trouble: I don't believe in wasting food, and throwing out wine is alcohol abuse... (I threw out the cork by mistake). Since I don't allow myself to drink one drop of alcohol while I was attending my semester of school, I decide to become an alkie-in-training in between semesters. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Work hard play harder. And yes, quarter-life, school was testing my limits. But I love a challenge, so I'll be taking 3 classes next semester with a projected GPA of 4.0. That's just how I roll. lol!

Its so interesting when I talk to other people about leisure time and what we do on weekends. While im doing school, i have 100% focus on school, cuz I know I can easily easily be distracted. I told that to my work-husband (long story... I may share later) he tells me I have no life [sigh] because I don't go out or I'm always doing homework. Like he knows me... or what I've done in my past!! Before my new job, I could have been a whore, a police officer, the fuggin president of Mgundabi!! but apparently it only takes 2 months and impersonal work-environment conversations to know my life story. psst, he has me figured out!! Everyone at my new job thinks im either an angel or a volcano waiting to explode lol I like that, cuz that means there's some kind of fear, respect, reverence, or caution when people talk to me. (probably not, they probably think i'll bust out in tears if they say something too harsh). I wish somebody would come out their mouth wrong to me... Oh, i take that back. My uncle told me not to say that because then I'm willing it to happen and whatever i say will be. Im getting off the subject.

But my mind and my will is all on school for the next few years.THAT'S the business!!!! I had 7 years to get all that partying out the way. And my future husband/children is a: maybe/maybe-not/maybe-never/Let-go-and-let-God. I would love to have that, and while it is not everything, I am content without it. I have a soul mate, and we email every few months. I try not to let it hurt me that i can't be happy with him, but I celebrate the fact that I can be happy without him. I would love to share that story one day, but I might end up crying bad and short-circuit my spiffy laptop with all the tears. So, this was all over the place. I missed you! I hope you missed me! I will be blogging more often... that is until school starts again in August ha ha! 3 classes, and one is math! so imma need to put in 150% focus!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Affirmation -- I'm on the right path

Everything happens on it's own accord. I think it was good timing that I found my journal and decided to find this entry. I just wanted to share because I'm sure someone is going through the same thing.

I know God has much in store for me. I am thankful for the opportunity and I am humbled because I am blessed.

24 Feb 2007

I stopped. I quit, but that doesn't mean i won't finish.

Today i woke up and got some church.
I watched TD Jakes. Let it go he
says. Drop it like it's hot, he says.
In the womb, he says. Realm he says.
He says grace. Sin is overcome by
abounding grace, but when will I decide
to stop sinning?

Creflo Dollar, whom I never listened
to because I thought he was preaching
about money... He spoke about friends.
He gave me some scriptures and I will
reflect them on my life. Relate them.

Deuteronomy 30 Choice of life or death
If you turn away from the Lord you
have chosen death. Game over. You and
your seed are done.

Proverbs 17:17 Friends seem like the
ultimate of ultimate and everything may
seem copacetic cuz friends love at all

Proverbs 12:26
The righteous should choose his/her friends
carefully for the way of the wicked leads them
astray. You can't expound on that!

1 Corinthians 15:33
Do not be deceived. "Evil company corrupts
good habits."
Don't think you're an exception and having
sinful friends isn't going to affect you.
You are as influential as everybody else.

Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with wise men will be
wise, but the companion of fools will be
destroyed. (is a fool)
You are what you keep. If you wanna know
of someones character, watch the company they keep.

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For
what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness
And what communion has light with darkness?
Do not be uneven in friendships with

Relationships there's a give and take
each person has a part to contribute. What
can a sinner teach you??!

Psalms 1:1 Blessed is the man who walks
not in the counsel of the ungodly.

So you are the company you keep.
He said that I'd rather have a blow pop and
Jesus than to hang with people that will
make me sin again. Go to the movies
by yourself. There has to be a point where
you love yourself enough that you wont
let people tolerate you for the sake of your
company but celebrate you because they
love you. Truly.


Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Long time, no blog!

Oh wow, I've been away so long, doing so much! I've been doing twice-three times as much commuting, twice as much school work. ten times as much job-related work and twice as much socializing. Where does that leave sleep? AND I'm making a commitment to get back into running for a cause... NOW where does that leave sleep?

I pray daily for strength. I am blessed to know that God is my sponsor! He's my cheerleader too, and I'm His. We make a great team, if I don't mind saying so... I hope my plate isn't too full.

I'm going to bed... YES at 8:48 pm! gotta be up at 4:45am... Be blessed!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Crazy Dream

I'm supposed to be doing my homework. In fact, I only have 29 more minutes to wrap up a chapter, but i keep thinking about my dreams. So sad that they're more comforting than the real world.

Sometimes I wish my imagination wasn't so vivid and adaptive so that I wouldn't want to sleep so much, but then I'm greatful because sometimes the conscious world doesn't even give me the emotions i experience in my dreams.

My dreams are so crazy in that I can literally be anybody in the world. I can dream I am the president and I swear, I could tell you his deepest thoughts and fears. two nights ago I dreamt that my sister was neglectful in that she let a situation go from bad to worse. In the end, I wsa some white lady married to a man, and through the mishap of my sis, she allowed a crazy man to kill our only son. He was 4. Although this would be one of the most traumatic moments in my life, just being in the loving comforting arms of my husband, I felt at ease, I knew nothing would go wrong because we had each other and I was protected from any and all. Just to know that he would be by my side throughout it all, made all the pain go away. It was such a theraputic dream. I woke up thinking I WAS married! Crazyness...

And then last night I had a dream that I ws in an apartment building with narrow staircases and some ppl were shooting at each other above and below me. To get out the way of the bullets, I tried to straddle myself between the stairwell (the part you look down, in the middle) Well, I got shot anyway!!

In the stomach. Only one that I knew of at first: two inches down and 3 inches to the right of my belly button. I was medevac'd (medically evacuated) to a surgical unit. Well, i actually was shot 2wice more: 1 inch down and 1 inch to the left of my belly button, and the last one significantly to the right side. It didn't hurt. It didn't bleed. but I touched it, I could see and feel the edges of the wounds as I looked down at my stomach. I was still walking around. The doctor wasnt in any rush and neither was I. It was weird because I was afraid of how long it would take for me to tell my mom if I needed a colostomy bag. The odds weren't on my side because of the amount of times I was shot in the general area: my intestines. I do remember getting very concerned for myself near the end because I didn't want to get an infection. I didn't even get to have surgery. I just woke up.

It was so real and weird!! All day i kept thinking to myself at work: "I got shot in my stomach... I wonder how many people would think I'm insane if I said that or even explained my dream."

Monday, April 07, 2008

Don't sweat it.

You know what? I know this is potentially embarrassing info, but fcuk it! Cuz if u knew me in real life, you'd already be hip to this, anyways!

This chit is getting out of control. I cant take it and I'm considering botox. I get the sweats... not all the time. just when im really cold and really hot, and when I get excited or nervous, and when I'm anxious or stressed, and when I drive, and when I get embarrassed or put on the spot. So, yeah, not all the time. :-)

I had orientation today at my new job and like always, I had wads of paper under my arms to protect my new business suit and button up shirt from Express. I looked DAMN fly in my pants suit! Double-takes all day, u know! Except, those wads of tissue *this is where i drop my head in shame*. It usually works but today waterworks was on point. I blame it on all the stupid times I had to get up and introduce myself and tell my story blah blah blah... well, somehow, through a long-sleeve tucked in shirt, a business jacket, and pantyhose, my wad that usually protects the valuable ridiculously overpriced cute clothes... it... fell... and NOT in an inconspicuous spot! Right behind my chair in the conference room! uuuugggghhh!

So, because of emotional stress (well really just minor embarrassment but not enough to make me sweat, but i'm exaggerating for when I go to the doctor) and going broke from the excessive dry-cleaning bills (well, I just scrub hard and i don't wear too much white, but another exaggeration for the doc...) I need botox. I extensively researched it: lasts from 6-8 months. Some websites even boast 11. I could only be so lucky...

The best part!!! I can have my insurance pay for it!! YAY! Whew, that was brave of me to admit. Actually not really, cuz u don't know me :-)

Have a good day and stay blessed!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Some thoughts

So whats the difference between our citizens of the past and now? more and more time is dedicated to entertainment and leisure. Before there was such a rampant amount of technology, innovation, novel ideas and inventions, we were all in the dark: literally and figuratively. You worked from sun up to sun down. You didn't do too much complaining about what you did or didnt have because you didn't know that your neighbor, cousin, brother, had it worse or better than you. Plus back then we were self-sufficient. We had wants and needs. We did what we needed to get what we wanted. (sidebar: when was debt invented? Probably when slavery was.)
Now with technology, everything is laid out in our laps. Our world has grown smaller with each newscast of China, or blog of Iraq. We are more aware of our neighbors over the Atlantic then we were with our next-door neighbor.
Back then our economy was geared towards manufacturing and industrial, but now with technology, those jobs are of the past. We have computers that run machines. That gives us the luxury of working in the service and information dominated economy. The luxuries include more time to spend with family or just to do leisure things, because technology not only solved the question of who's going to do the back breaking laborious job, but also streamlined all other jobs. Face it, typing an email to someone has considerably cut down numbers at the Post Office.
Most people argue, though, that technology hasn't in fact helped out as much as we thought it did. We are still busy, if not busier than say, 50 years ago. People were enthused with the possibility of computers taking over a lot of things, but no one factored in the maintenance of our society as a whole. Humans are still needed to make decisions, come up with innovative ideas, solve problems and be leaders and mentors to each other.
Then what happens when scientist finally crack the code of human intelligence? When computers are finally programmed to think on their own. Do we really think that life will be even easier? There will still be our core issues. Our problems will evolve into other things and the process will start all over again.
I wonder if our ancestors, or just maybe 100 year ago those people had a chance to live in our world. I think they would have a mixture of joy and horror. All the beneficial and productive things, but the demoralizing issues. I wonder if they would think that all the advances of the human race are not worth the effort because of all the new devastation that wasn't an issue back then.
Is technology worth it in the end? Is technology focused on the wrong things? Instead of trying to be the first company to invent a computer that can do this or that, how about an idea to combat poverty, pollution, crime, sexism and racism. I realize inthe scientific world our focus is on military, medicinal etc issues. A large part of that focus falls into creature comforts as well. When will we decide that the priority is our children and our seniors, the disabled and uneducated. Instead of ensuring everyone in their house has a television equipped to handle the move from analog to digital cable, how about we ensure all children have 3 squares, a bed to sleep in, and the promise to be safe from abuse.
Has technology dictated our values or have our values dictated technology?

Happy April Fools Day

For those that don't take jokes well, stay home today.

My boss already got played.... In the spirit of me and another one of my coworkers quitting last week, about 6 guys decided to play a trick on our manager... all 6 resigned with resignation letters and all... Great timing since we're having a MANDATORY meeting with the big dogs about how bad we've been doing the past few months...

Dude was shitting bricks and sweating up a storm... He ran to my office and said "Look what you started!!" Lol, i didnt even know it was a joke at that point... I hope noone tricks me cuz im gullible...

Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm stressed

This is my 69th post. Just thought I'd mention that ;-)

Most people have tons of memories of their childhoods, good and bad. We can almost always relate some of our current actions and reasonings for doing things to memories where our parents influenced us. Some serious, some not-so-serious. Some healthy, some unhealthy.

One of my healthy habits I can relate to childhood is the fact that I like to eat a colorful diet. My mom didn't really follow nutritional guidlines to a T: it's kind of difficult to do that when you're more focused on buying enough groceries for the amount of foodstamps you have for the month. But what she did explain to me was to keep your plate colorful. Just eating all bland-colored food is usually unhealty(white, beige, brown) and veggies and fruit are a great way to colorize your plate instantly!! See: a healthy habit from a childhood memory!

One of my unhealthy habits is my way of dealing with stress. Although ultimately I don't seem to have control over exactly what I stress over, I don't deal with it properly. I remember one time as a child I had a conversation with my mom that has help mold that habit.

I remember as a kid telling my mom one day that I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm pretty sure I wasn't depressed, just really sad! I mean if I realized just how poor we really were, I imagine I would have truely been depressed but I was one of those oblivious kids. Just all innocent and spaced out in my own world. I probably heard the word being used on TV or something, because as you know, that word isn't used in the black community (sadly). Back to the conversation: my mom got soooo mad at me! By the way, I must have been about 10. Maybe younger. I understand I probably didn't understand the context that i used that word and what she should have done was point me to the right word and see just what the fcuk her daughter was "depressed" about. What could possibly be the problem, right?

Wrong! She gave me attitude. My mother explained that I wasn't depressed and that I didn't know what it meant to be depressed. She literally gave me attitude like I was maybe ungrateful of being an innocent child. I felt a vibe similar to a short impatient temper on her part maybe because she felt she was or should be the one depressed because she's got a family of 5 to take after, a husband that she constantly fights with, money issues blah blah blah, you get the hint. Irregardless (i love that made-up word), I felt bad for feeling depressed, sad whatever you want to call it, because somebody I love just may have it worse.

So my unhealthy habit is (actually, i have a 2fer on this one) 1)Stress and get apprehensive to talk about it to others 2)Feel bad for complaining. I am sure I am not the only one. I wasn't necessarily raised specifically to be strong, but inadvertently it's what has help molded me to be the way I am. Now, I said all that to say I AM STRESSED.

I am not depressed, but I have a lot on my plate. I want to talk about it, but then I feel like I sound like I'm complaining or whining. But if I don't let some steam off pretty soon, I am going to crash. I honestly don't see an end to my stress for about a month, but I can't take it physically! My neck is all tight, I'm starting to get headaches at the slightest problems, and I get all fever-like. I'm grinding my teeth at night. I feel like butsting out in tears at the smallest things: Unicef commercials... St Judes commercials, Animal Precint, I can't even listen to love songs anymore. I'm stuck listening to talk radio!

I probably just need a few good cries. I think I may watch The Color Purple just to get the tears started.

I honestly envy my friends because after a good talk with me which usually lasts an hour or so, some of them say "I feel better!" I WANT THAT a nonjudgemental person that understands that they don't have to relate to me or solve my problems, but to just listen and know that they care. I need new friends. No, I just need to talk to Jesus more... well, I just have to listen to Him more and stop worrying (which technically isn't a sin, but sinful nonetheless... does that make sense?)

Friday, March 28, 2008

Resilience... kind of.

Noone should feel like a prisoner in their own life, but I'm happy that she has her outlet, her art and other creative things to help her hold on to her sanity of working in a loveless career. This is what I don't want to become.


Look at his eyes... they tell the story.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Onwards and upwards

I quit I quit I qui-it!! (to be sung in the tune of "Ring around the rosies")

So far so good!! I put my two weeks in on Monday, I also started school on Monday as well.

So I would say in about a month, my stress levels will go back to normal... after I get settled in the new job and I get the hang of school! Things are going well!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Who I attract... this is another long one...

This post covers two things: The kind of men I attract (with some detail to one in particular), and money issues with the men I attract... Apparently they relate to each other, sadly.
I was at the MSN page this morning and i saw a link to an irresistible article about "Are you dating a player?" Frankly, I'm not dating anyone, more like talking to/getting to know... but I figured I'd compare my notes with MSN's notes... I may have some signs that they missed...
Anyway, the first one: "He's bold. For the player, the pickup is a game. He doesn't approach women with the same nerves or awkwardness of a normal guy. He’ll walk up confidently, with a big smile and great eye contact. His manner will be smooth and put-together." blah blah blah It goes on to say that they're not nervous because they do it all the time. While I don't agree nor disagree, it had me thinking about how I act when men approach me.
This struck a cord and I realized that because of how shy, quiet and reserved I act when I meet a potential, I must look like a newbie to the game. That's like blood to a shark! Those "players" automatically assume I am naive and try their hardest to sink their claws in...
The last few potentials... yep, so-called players in my mind ESPECIALLY because each one of them asked for money for some reason or another all nonchalantly Like we've known each other for years. What have you done for me lately? What am i doing that makes you think I'm stupid enough to loan you money to buy a motorcycle (when u admitted u still owe your momma, at the age of 29 still getting loans from her), pay your cousin back, fly you in to see me, trade up your car, pay your child support, etc?
Of course I said no each time, and not all of those have been the specific excuses but you get my drift.
One of them, I just stopped talking to altogether! Especially since he told me that he pushed his Denali down a hill/cliff to collect insurance (he had the nerve to say it all regular-like, what did I expect, this was his second time doing it... silly me). I had to get off the phone with him cuz I literally started to get physically ill! Who in their right minds would do that?!
#1) A Denali? Shit, I woulda bought it off him. Ha ha! Apparently he didn't want to sell it... child support...
#2) I got a clearance. I aint tryna fug with nobody dealing with out of control debt problems and insurance fraud. I ran and never looked back! Just stopped all contact cold turkey.
That was in September, I think... Well yesterday I FINALLY got IM and because i don't know how to log on invisible yet... guess who decided to chat it up... The Denali killer. Eventually thru the convo he asked why I stopped talking to him and why I deleted him off myspace (I'm sooo notorious for that...)
I gave him the usual lie about myspace: ethics complaint at work blah blah blah, investigation involving myspace and coworkers blah. I know ppl can see thru it, but nobody calls me on it, so imma keep using it!! By the way, myspace is a joke.
But i told him the partial truth about why i stopped talking to him. I knew MONTHS in advance that he was gonna ask for money, only it was a matter of time, so I stopped caring what he said. I told my cousin about it like 6 months prior and then he did it. I shoulda played the lotto on it.
Anyways digression is a b!tch... i told him that i don't know how to say no after i say yes (yeah, i told him yes with no intentions of loaning him money because it went with my plan of having SOME reason for never talking to him other than me just being a b!tch). I also told him that I'm bad at communication and I suppress my opinions so that I don't offend people, but i dig a hole so deep, there's no crawling out when I disagree with them. He said he figured that it was about the money. Oh, and that it was childish of me... Yes "That was childish of you!" I laughed and typed, "I know".
I can't tell you how many countless things he's done that are childish and nowhere near manly! One involves him waiting to be courtmarshalled by the military for desertion... among other trifling-ass things he shared with me. He has an uncanny and undeserved sense of entitlement about him! I think i talked to him because of his stories and my morbid curiosity of if he could top himself! I guess he especially thought because he was so honest about everything, he was granted to do anything he wanted, regardless of if it's against normal people's morals and values... Geez, how do I attract these boys? WTF?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Working with old people... it's a doozy.

I feel exx.xxpecially guilty about informing one specific person
that im leaving my old job. it's crazy that i feel guilty cuz she
has that uncanny ability to drive anybody crazy! I am a sick
woman. I feel like an enabler. I protect her from adapting to
the real world and treating others with respect by adapting to her crazy
distortion of realness. By doing that, i minimize her instances
of conflict between her and others.

I can work with anybody. I'm sorry but nobody's coming between
me and my paycheck!

I adapt easily and I selfishly adapted to her so I could actually
have work to do. I don't know if this makes sense
to anybody else, because it doesn't make sense to me!
I know enablers mainly are for addicts, but it applies to this situation
because there's a codependent relationship between us.

its the lady that nobody can work with... I've been working with
her for about 3 years off and on when I'm not deployed.
She literally has run through 7+ people
cuz she is so difficult to work with.

Once, she begged and begged that they hire someone else to assist her.
They jumped through HOOPS to find the money to salary someone.
especially because they can barely justify keeping her position in
the first place.

A difficult woman she is: she's older, forgets stuff
and then blames it on others. shit, she blames stuff on me
all the time to my face without saying it.

she'll tell you to do paperwork
and when you bring it back for her to check, she pulls out a red pen...
WTF, you ask, she used to be a teacher like 15 years ago...
she's very picky. She'll ask
you for your opinion and feedback, but when you start talking,
she either stops listening or starts talking over you.

Don't even decide to ask her a question about
something you worked on yesterday. She'll stare at you
with the blankest of faces. You have to start drawing
pie charts pull out graphing calculators and start alligning
the stars for her to remember... she makes me feel like i'm
speaking in another language. [sigh]

Her style as a team lead sucks! She says,
"lets make this a collaboration! You don't need leadership from me!"
"Please, I welcome your input!" but then when
you start suggesting things [lol] she starts giving you all these
explanations why she does things her way! Like you're
attacking her or something... I figured that out early on,
so i now just suggest things underhandedly and when
she gets it and repeats it, i act like it was her idea.
See, im an enabler!

but nobody probably would want the position i fill as her assistant. hell,
i'm not even supposed to be doing it in the first place! it's just so
boring at work, i'd volunteer to clean the toilets just to stay

Anyway, i digressed. I am the go-to girl for expense reports cuz
she's too busy doing travel arrangements, logging and all that other
boring stuff. A secret between u and me... I've done her job... yep! and
it wasn't THAT hard! She was out for ankle surgery and i was the
only one on the team left! We went from 5-woman team to little ole
me in literally 2 months. she drove 2 people off the team, one other
team member went to iraq, so it was just me to do the work of 5. Um,
i survived! So, yes, it's her!

So why, you ask, do i feel guilty for having to tell her that
I'm quitting? Ha! I told you, I'm a sick woman! Can
the abused wife answer why she won't leave her alcoholic
husband? Can the beraded and down-trodden adult child
answer why he won't stop being in contact with his highly critical,
verbally abusive and degrading father? Can the
hard-working peon answer why she won't leave the needy,
overbearing sensitive-ego boss that pays hard work with a couple
of thank you's and no raise?

Why am I so dramatic? Good God. I got shit to do, i shouldn't have been typing
this out for this long. It got a little out of hand, whoops, sorry!

but I must admit, I do feel better!!

I got the job :-(

**Warning: i am pretty good at stealing my own sunshine,
**so as this is a momentous and celebratory occasion (which I
**will celebrate accordingly, TRUST!) this post is a detox of all my
**negative emotions that pertain to the fact that I have
**a NEW JOB YAY!! :-)

holy sheet i got the job! It has been a stressful month! No wonder I've been
so sleepy. It's hard to look for a new job at your old job whilst still working at 110%...

Yesterday was exx.xxpecially hard. I received my welcome packet the night before from the new job
and with resolve to turn in my resignation letter on Monday, i have been feeling guilty about not telling anyone about it.

I figure just avoid the important people and I won't feel bad like anythings going on.
I know my resignation will come as a shock! Anyways, i got called into my
managers office to complete my counseling for last year and to
receive my raise... uuuuhhhh! Why why why! I felt bad as manager-man told me how well
I did and what he expects out of me for 2008. All the while I'm feeling like shit and
wondering if he and everyone is gonna feel betrayed for me ackin like I'm staying.
(I was called dramatic by my friend because i told her i cried after seeing the
manager and will probably cry in the manager-mans office during resignation-time on Monday)

anyways, i was a little shook for feeling guilty (I'm stupid, right?) so i had to tell my
coworker cuz we share an office and she probably would have thought i got
fired by the way I was carrying on: nothing too crazy, just that i was blushing and
my ears were red as fcuk!

well i told her and she looked sad, as to be expected! Who's gonna watch the
bachelor with her on Tuesday mornings? who's gonna share scones with her cuz she's
on a strict diet? who's gonna... i cant think of anything else, but i swear she's gonna miss me!
I'd miss her! Probably cuz there's NOTHING to do at work but keep each other company and stay awake until your 9 hours are up.

Well I'm going through all types of emotions but I've been really good at surpressing
them. Next week is going to be rough. I will have to face the friends i havent told. i will cry.

Hi, my name is _______ and I am dramatic at goodbyes.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Digging deep

I just want to take a minute to reflect on my life. the romantic/relationship side...

I think my values and standards need a bit of evaluation and a time for analyzing my actions is in order. It's interesting that when you have a strategy for something and it doesn't work, you adapt and tweak your formula so that you have a better chance of being successful the next time around. Why don't I apply this to different areas in my life?

There is a constant and predictable response I give to people and myself when my singleness is up for discussion. "I am picky," I say. I always say I know what I need in a man. I have high standards and my dream guy needs to possess all the traits of my laundry list. Besides, I know what I like. I know a lot of women and men can agree with that statement.

But I find many flaws in that statement.

That is the same tired-ass line (excuse) that I have been using as a security blanket all these years. Frankly, I must admit: I am a commitment-phobe. Regardless of the reasons why, or what circiumstances have made me fear commitment, I just am. However I can easily conceal that issue by conveniently saying that I am picky. For some reason, it just seems more acceptable to say you haven't found that perfect person versus saying you have commitment issues. Who want's to admit to that?! I bet that's the most common problem among single people now-a-days.

Also, when I say I have high standards and I know what I want in a man, I am actually saying that I think I know who can handle me. Well, it's kind of dismissive to have a list of rights and wrongs to judge a person's relationship potential to. People are adaptive and learn from experience. I guess I feel like I'm not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm actually putting myself on a pedestal (not deserved or relationship/friendly spot). I would be offended if I was feeling a guy and he wasn't all that interested because I'm not everything he hoped for. We learn, grow, and compromise as we go forward in relationships. That's the excitement of being in a relationship. I think I'm looking for a ready-made husband I guess. And that's not fair because I'm not a ready-made wife.

Also, having high standards in the opposite sex implies that I have my shit together ha ha LOL! I am seeking perfection when I myself am perfectly flawed. I am not perfect and I know I'm not average. I am unique and eccentric. I am very random and scatterbrained, yet thoughtfully caring and a deep thinker. I am not that emotional when it comes to my life and personal affairs, but I am an emotional person. I expect people to confide in me and I want to be the rock and moral support for them, but it is hard for me to allow my friends to be my support. In my mind, I'm more goofy and silly than anything, but for some reason, that turns on the opposite sex when they are first-hand witnesses to it. I am a hard worker and sort of a people-pleaser (which I think is annoying...).

I am my worst critic and I am hard on myself when it comes to performance. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong (also annoying...). For the most part, I am good at ignoring my conscience. But when I meet people during those periods and my conscience gets too loud to ignore and it goes back into effect, I distance myself from the people I've been with, and everything they and I've been partaking in is WRONG! I hate being so flip-flopy, but it seems like if I don't ignore my conscience sometimes, I will live a very dull and boring life. The bad thing is I am nurturing the bad habit of being in short-term friendships/relationships. If I keep exercising the right to just dump people because of my temporary lapse of judgement, I will strengthen all the wrong emotions that are needed to cut people off and shut feelings down.

I know I have a lot of issues about myself. Some things that will be with me until old age and some things that I may change if it becomes out of hand. I am the first person to say that I need someone non-judmental, but aren't I judging by having this stupid list?

I'm scrubbing my list. It's just not working for me. It never has!

Q: Why use the same blueprint over and over again if the building keeps falling?
A: You don't.

Monday, March 17, 2008


I start a semester of school in about a week and I am TERRIFIED!! AAAHHHH! Seriously, I have 3 classes, and one is math. After one unfortunate incident this weekend, I have decided to drop Sociology and just take two so I can devote most of my study time in BEGINNERS Algebra. I have been avoiding this class for quite some time (uuuuggghh, I feel stupid).

See, I am slow when it comes to math. I used to be good. I had A's all the way up to high school, but now that my brain doesn't use it as much, my math muscles have atrophied. Case and point: On Saturday at IHOP I spent 5 minutes on trying to figure out the bill. I couldn't add $27.30 and $7.00. When I finally did, I was so excited!! My friend laughed at me cuz i made a silly face, but seriously, I was excited!!

Well, before we drove off, me and my friend talked in the parking lot for a few minutes cuz we drove separately, but then the waitress came running out saying there was a problem with the bill... Please tell me why my addition came up with $11.30? Lawd Jezus! I tried to redeem myself and figure out the correct amount, still getting it wrong. The waitress was like "I'll tell you what to write, don't worry about it" My friend had a good laugh. I wanted to laugh too, but I was too confused: why would I think that $11.30 would cover a $27.30 bill. Who does that?

I am afraid that if I can't add, what teacher would trust me to use a graphing calculator?! Geez, I need a tutor and some coffee.
Good morning world!

First off, let me just thank God for my health! I usually have at least two things nagging away at my body that make me feel never at 100%, but who is 100% healthy? Besides, I'm 25 and I'm not getting any younger, so I guess I better get used to it!

I gained perspective this morning when I read that Patrick Swayze has been fighting cancer.

I'm healthy. I don't have cancer or any debilitating disease that consumes my life. I have my life ahead of me and the ability to persue my goals with 100% attention towards them. I am blessed.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Look what I can do!!

I made this on my own :-) I'm so proud of myself!!
I wanted some Cinnabon and the closest one to me is at the Airport. Granted, the airport is only 20 minutes away and I've been known to drive a half hour to 45 minutes to quell a craving (no, I'm not pregnant...). But there's something gratifying about making good tasting food on my own.
So, I had a rough day at work and decided it was time to try out a recipe I found for "clone of Cinnabon". I even got to use my new food processor!! Yay!!
Side Bar: Let me tell you, I think the smartest investment's I've ever made were at Macy's!! In November, I bought a $400 coat at Macy's for $175!! Then I bought a food processor in February for a good discount. But I use that food processor for EVERYTHING!! I'm too lazy to cut stuff, and not strong enough yet to roll out some good dough... LOVE IT!! Thanks, Macys. I still resent them for buying Hechts, though.
Anyways, these buns were good! I had half of one last night, fresh out the oven and then i was bouncing off the walls from the sugar. I brought the rest into work today and shoved them into people's mouths. Not that they couldn't be sold on their own merit, but if they stayed on my desk for 5 more minutes, i would have eaten them ALLL MMUUUUHHHAHAHAHA!! (Evil laugh).
So now I have a craving for some lasagna and while I have nothing against Stouffer's frozen lasagna, i just want to make it cuz i never attempted to. The only thing that stinks about me wanting to make food is I can't eat what I want because of my Acid Reflux. but I'm happy to give it away as long as it tastes good. I'm my worst critic, so I won't even try to push something off to someone if it tastes bad.

Monday, March 10, 2008

You'll poke your eye out!!

I told a couple of people at work that I got skeet in my eye... thats why the eye patch and later the sunglasses... For some reason, it sounds better than just saying im a bumbling idiot and I hit myself in the eye.

I went to the eye doc today and have been diagnosed with traumatic iritis: my iris, the colored part, is inflamed cuz i hit it. I'll be okay in a few days as long as i keep it dilated. Steroid drops... they're helping a lot! Thank God cuz i drove to work with only one eye in the twilight of the night this morning... with sunglasses on. I dont know how i made it, but I cant afford to drive that wrecklessly again!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Arrrggg! Im a pirate!!

im a pirate!! Okay not really, but I got a make-shift patch like a pirate!

Let me explain: I hit my eye in the worst way! I was doing laundry, putting away my bikini top when i noticed a knot! As I proceeded to take out the knot, I pulled one end of the elastic strap and let go by mistake. With acute precision and enviable finesse only professional and habitual klutz's can finagle, I hit myself directly in the eye with the end of the knot. Did I mention there are metal accents on the ends of the straps? Oh yeah, not good at all.

So that was last night around 6pm. I was on the phone with my cuz when it happened and I could only manage to say 5 words when it happened: "Oh shit! I gotta go!" Who says that when they are in excruciating pain and they think they have just blinded themselves? I guess I didn't want her to worry. Well i hurt myself bad and I tried to walk it off, this is what the army taught u when you got hurt. So I paced my apartment praying to Jesus like I needed forgiveness for killing my mother... I opened my eye just to make sure I could still see and I had blurry vision, so I was okay for the moment. It hurt enough to cry, but I held it in... UNTIL

I quickly looked to my right and noticed that my injured eye wasn't following AAAAHHHH! I just knew God was punishing me for all those years of making fun of my cock-eyed little brother. My eyelid was swelling and I had some blood showing up on the white part, so me being me, I started crying. If there is anything wrong with me physically, I can cry like I'm being sent to the electric chair. I hate being hurt. I just knew my eye wouldn't be the same! I dont want to be cross-eyed, i kept telling Jesus! Please, God, heal me!

I called my sister to ask her what to do, and in between sobs, I explained to her what happened. She laughed at me! I mean she gave me good advice AND gave me a month off with no laundry, but she laughed. I laughed too, but have you laughed and cried at the same time? Very disturbing feeling! So I got off the phone with her, took an ambien and went to sleep.

As of 1:05pm, Sunday, my left eye still hurts. I closed all my blinds and curtains, because my eye burns and its still light sensitive. I'm pissed that I ruined my own plans for the weekend! I just wanted to stay at home, pig out and watch free movies on Comcast. I cant do that with one eye! Even using the good eye makes the bad eye hurt!

Pray for me. I use my eyes for my job... I know that everyone does, but I mean like if you don't have depth perception, you aren't allowed to work in this profession. I'll make an appointment tomorrow to see if all I need to do is wear my patch for a bit or something. Hopefully its not that serious, but It shouldnt hurt when I try to look left and right either. I'm tired of being clumsy [sigh].


I went to jamaica for vacation two weeks ago. (Unrelated to the topic of this blog, and for those of you that would like to know: The sun there, it's on steroids. But I have digressed.) For some reason typing this feels like a confession, rather than an announcement, or an out-loud thought. I loved it on my vacation, and had a great time, but I just dont like telling anyone I went because the first time I went, I didnt like the reaction I had gotten from friends and family.

When I tell people I went to Jamaica, the first thing that comes out of their mouths are: "I'm hating! lol." I appreciate honesty in all situations, but this is RIDICULOUS!! Literally everyone except 2 people (out of 20+) said this. If you know me, you know this is a well-deserved vacation! Everyone goes: I want to go to Jamaica! Why didnt you tell me! I hate you!

I must confess, I have been less than honest with my friends and family! If i were even an ounce honest with them, they woulda got cursed the fuck out! I cant tell you how many times I've been told by coworkers, fam&friends about their trips to Greece, Japan, Mexico, Peru, Chile, Africa, hell, even California! In my heart, i felt I was just as well-deserving to go on a trip, but I never showed that! I was genuinely happy for them because it sounded like an adventure I would enjoy. Damn, I'm a good person.

I just wanted to share my vacation with you with an added guilt-trip just in case you were hating. Maybe one day I will write about it. But I will say now that you should go to Jamaica. There are cheap tickets out there. Everyone needs a break! You don't need the ideal partner, or the bestest friend, but just someone you trust not to take your shit when you two are sleep at night in the hotel. Save up and go!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Still single.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to find a suitor, husband, mate for life, father of my future children. I liuve in the WORST place to get a man. I never get hit on nor do I see any man I am interested in. There are almost noone my type where I live. I might as well live on the North Pole... anyways,

I mentioned to one of my supposed best friends that I jokingly might go online to find a man, and with disgust she vehemently explained to me why she thought it was tasteless... Understandable, but she's divorced now. So, doesn't that mean her advice is null and void?

Anyways, I just remembered that nugget of a memory while i was watching that reality show Millionaire Matchmaker. I wish I had friends or family concerned enough to put me on a blind date...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Cows are the Devil!!!

Being lactose intolerant sucks. It's when your guts can't break down the sugar lactose that is found in all dairy products. Your body's intestines don't produce enough lactate to process lactose when ingested. I have been lactose intolerant since 2000 when I joined the military. Coincidence? I think NOT! A whole bunch of stuff happened to me once I joined the Army... but I digressed. Back to being LI...
The pain and having to avoid certain foods was rough on me when I was first diagnosed! I loved dairy products more than you know! I was just like any average American that put cheese on EVERYTHING and I loved my chocolate milk. I even made my own concoction of milk with vanilla and sugar when we ran out of chocolate syrup.

In the beginning, staying away from certain foods was more traumatizing than what the symptoms were. I became lactose intolerant literally overnight when I was in the Army. Even after the doctor told me to stay away from dairy, I couldn't and wouldn't give it up that easy! One night when me and my boyfriend were at some rinky-dink sleazy motel, we got into a fight and I rebelled, ran out of the room and ate a whole tub of Cool Whip on the steps leading to the second-floor rooms (I was so dramatical back then... he probably had the TV on espn and I was bored or something). I received lots of pleasure with every spoonful! I was soothed by my choice of comfort food and enjoyed listening to R. Kelly's Twelve Play on repeat that was coming from the room nearest me. I kept thinking maybe the lactose intolerance wouldn’t be that bad this time. Besides, cool whip is light!!

But 6 hours from that point, the pain from that ordeal like all my other episodes was a wake-up call. I would be seized with so much pain that I couldn't stand up straight let alone walk. And the pain in my stomach was usually so quick to come on! Once, I was crossing the street when I got an episode. I doubled over as a car was coming and my friend had to run into the street to help me up.

I became depressed when I realized that I couldn't eat oatmeal drowned in milk for breakfast, macaroni and cheeze for lunch and cereal and ice cream for dinner. I was devastated. No lie!! I literally broke out in tears once when my friend asked me if I wanted some of her scratch-made mashed potatoes made with milk, cheese and sour cream lol!! I was so pissed and sad that I ran to my dorm room, cried and skipped dinner that night. Over the years, I slowly adjusted, but it was a constant struggle. Every time I ordered burgers through drive-thru's and requested no cheese, 70% of the time, the order was fudged and I’d have cheese. I would get so depressed; I would rebel by not eating. My friends always felt so sorry, everyone would offer to go get something else for me or gave me their foods. (I was so dramatical back then...). Seriously, you don't realize just how much dairy is in foods. Try to go 2 days without eating dairy. Better yet, give it up for lent!

So, most people that are lactose intolerant just have diarrhea or flatulence or constipation. I WISHED those were my symptoms, but God has a sense of humor and knows my tolerance of pain is pretty high. My pain felt like all of a sudden someone took a hold of my guts and just started wringing them out. I would all of a sudden feel like my entire stomach was filled with air and it was fighting it's way out through my small and large intestines like Running of the Bulls. It would last minutes to hours and my mouth would water because of the pain and I felt nauseas as fcuk. Not cool!

To this day, I still am wary of dairy foods. I can eat yogurt and sharp cheeses are safe. My symptoms have gotten better over the years and my tolerance isn’t as wimpy as before. I don’t miss drinking milk and even if I smell it, I want to barf!! It smells rotten! EEEWWWW! Certain cheeses make me gag too. I know a lot of people are LI, but I wonder if anybody has it as bad as I once did and so suddenly.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Black Love

because i went anti-valentines, I am forced to go be fair. These pics inspire love to me. Enjoy!

I wanted to put my favorite celebrity couples up, but that's a disaster waiting to happen! Though, it would be interesting to see who would still be a couple by next year's Valentine's day.
In other news... I was going to send a Happy Valentine's Day eCard to someone that is a dear friend to me. But for some reason, the computer kept freezing. So I got about 5 minutes chance to rethink my actions and i realized just how bad that would have looked. It just seemed so innocent in my head. But I'm grateful for that cockblock. Thanks God!!


Happy Valentine's Day!

and for those that despise Feb. 14,

Happy Anti-Valentine's Day!

I'm not against it, but these are pretty funny so enjoy!!

My Hair

My hair has reached it's expiration date! I need to wash it, like seriously cuz it's just sticking every which-a-way. Too much gunk has accumilated for it to even want to cooperate with a comb. Seems like the brush is my enemy now a days.

I was supposed to wash it on Monday, no later than Tuesday, but because of that stupid Ice storm weather, i didn't get home on Tuesday until 8:00 at night. I left at 5pm and I got to work at 7:30am. So, to do the math, i worked 9 1/2 hours that day, sat in traffic for about 2 1/2 hours, did about 30 minutes of shopping at DSW just to let the traffic clear up a bit. All that equals me being pooped and not wanting to do shit.

Then last night, I had every intention of doing my hair, but if you look at yesterdays post, you will notice that i got busy watching reality tv. Then Ghost Hunters came on which i have NO BUSINESS watching!! I was so lazy that I didn't even take off my coat, scarf, work clothes!

So today, I combed it back (uuuuugggggghhhhH) it looks pitiful and dirty, but i work with white people, so they can't tell the difference anyways, thank GOD! Everytime I go to the bathroom and take a glimpse of my hair, I say "Wow!!" it's a reflex, I can't help it! It's just that bad looking!!! I tried putting on earings and some extra makeup to compensate for the attrocious hair. I'm not fooling anybody cuz I'm not fooling myself!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

It could happen.

I was watching the show True Life and a gay guy hit on a straight girl so he could look straight. I just thought about what went through her mind when MTV played this episode and she saw it. I figured I'd just run with it. Enjoy!!

I went out to the club with my girls one weekend. I was feeling really good about Friday night! It was a rough week and everything that could have came up or went wrong, yeah, you guessed it! It happened. My friends and I promised ourselves that we would de-stress and have a great time!

So to celebrate the night, I put on that outfit I bought a couple weekends ago with my lunch money for next month (guilty pleasure, but it was so cute!!) I'm smelling good! I spritzed on some of my favorite perfume "The One" by Dolce. Yummy if I may say so myself!! Got the mani and pedi on Monday, so check that off the list. Just got the Benz (okay, Acura, with the heart of a Benz) washed after work, so I'm good to go! We are ready to cut up!!

We get in the club, of course it's packed, the D.J. is spinning all my favorite songs and I am feeling good. The more I dance, the less I remember about the stress at work. What can make the night even better?? Someone that actually looks decent is trying to holler! Um, no ring on his finger, he's not too tipsy and he doesn't smell like weed! Let's see how the convo is...

I must be putting off some positive vibes cuz he seems to be straight for what it's worth. We exchange numbers after some strained conversation by the bar. Let's face it: nobody really can hear each other that well, but thank goodness for Blackberrys!

So, the rest of my weekend was relaxing! I just cleaned up a bit, took a well-deserved and past due bubble bath, and blogged a little bit. But for some reason, I felt like i was forgetting something. I was talking to my baby cousin about my friday night out; that 17 year old has to live through someone!

As I was giving her blow by blow detail about the catfight that erupted in the bathroom, I then realized what was in the back of my head: the mysterious potential-date I exchanged numbers with! I am not one to call a man first! Call me crazy if you want, but the way I figure, some guys just collect numbers for an ego boost. Plus he asked me for my number so if he's interested like he implied, he'll call. So I put it out of my mind.

About a couple months go by and I am sitting lazily on my couch watching MTV. I am a reality TV junkie by the way! Love it! I've seen almost every episode of the good ones and I'm saving Flavor of Love 15 for my desperate moments lol! I have standards! But not too many! I am actually kind of shocked that I missed an episode of Real Life, you know the reality show that chronicles a certain aspect of young Americans lives. A couple of my favorites are "I Have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" and "I'm Happy to be Fat". Random, I know, but enjoyable none the less.

This episode, "I Live A Double Life", it's good so far. That Anna Nicole Smith impersonator is uncanny! She does look and act like Anna Nicole. Well, I guess that isn't REALLY a big feat lol!! Oh, goodie! Commercial is on, and I have the munchies! Let me go get some ice cream! By the way I've got great news for all you Lactose Intolerant peoples like me. Breyer's makes Lactose-free ice cream! Yay! but it's only in Vanilla. Boo.

So back to the show. As I sit down to satisfy my reality fix I see a guy on the show that looks awfully familiar! He's in his living room with his best friend that happens to be a girl. I have no clue what his secret life is YET, but he sounds gay. Maybe he's secretly a gay porn star! But who is he and why does he look so familiar! he is cute... CUTE! Oh, and he has a beautiful smile! OMG! That smile! That's that dude from the club!!!

He's gay? And his double life is that he acts straight??!! OMG why the fcuk did he ask for my number? Ih, I guess to act like he's not gay around his friends. I cannot believe this! I feel like telling everyone just to embarass him, but he's already on TV... uuugh! I don't even wannna talk to my girl about this, cuz what type of girl gets hit on by the gay guy! Fcuking asshole! It's not even that serious!


My Secrets

I love

It gives me a way to connect with people on a deeper level than I ever could with my closest friend or even my mother. There is a comfort in anonymity that I take for granted at that site. I will try and step out of my comfort zone a little bit by sharing some of my secrets with you. You may not know me personally, but you can at least put a face to a secret which makes me a little uncomfortable.

Secret 1:
I wear make-up at work, not because I think I need it but because I want to relate to my female coworkers.

Secret 2:
I've picked up the bad habit of thinking like a victim, like everything happens to me... woe is me. And I don't know how to get back to normal.

Secret 3:
I am a short-term compulsive/addicting personality. I get extremely passionate about things and then abandon the whole idea days or weeks later. This is why I have a hard time staying consistent and I'm afraid people think I'm a flake.

Secret 4:
I want to punch people in the face for looking at my computer screen at work. I loathe nosey people.

Secret 5:
I want to delete my MySpace account, but I'm afraid that nobody will notice.

Secret 6:
I hate being home for too long, but when I'm away, all I want to do is be home.

Secret 7:
I don't naturally smile because smiles attract people and I am usually happier when I'm alone.
Am I weird, lol?

Friday, February 08, 2008

If I could turn back the hands of time.

I look back at the 70s with a longing fascination. When did we get so serious as a nation? I would have loved to be. Just to be alive during that time. i wonder who I would be.

(I guess because I'm black it would be a totally different experience than what my mind imagines, but that's so NOT the point!)

I feel that I wasn't born in the right generation. My personality doesn't match the 90s or 2000s. I feel like just by me trying to fit into todays world, I am stifling my own creativity and potential because I am using most of my energy just to keep up. With the job, the clothes, the hair, the maintenance of being normal in the present.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

To David #1


Why exactly are u tryna get inside my mind?
I'll tell u 1 thing: u might not like what u find.

My head is like an onion and NOT cuz it stinks
But cuz it’s wrapped so tight in layers like a rich lady in her mink.

If I, against my better judgment, let u inside,
There'd be no sacred spot or quiet place for my thoughts to hide.

Let's say I give you the key to the entry to my soul;
(Cuz that key works for my mind; 2gether they make me whole.)

And you come upon a part of me I've never shared b4,
My heart would break for the 1st time. It won't be pure anymore.

You see, I’m afraid no one’s gentle enuf to handle my soul,
yet strong enuf to stick with me till our bodies both grow old.

I know it sounds as if I was meant to be alone.
I'd rather be by myself than give my heart out as a loan.

Something will lack in the original luster when you're done with lease.
I'll check the inventory of my mind & soul and see you've kept a piece.

That piece you’ve kept for yourself will never grow back;
Cuz when I share my mind & soul, I take from me to build u where u lack.

You'll probably be greedy and take more than u need;
With no 1st thought to my well-being, no 2nd to reciprocity.

So now you've read the warning sign attached to my mind,
Are u man enuf to be with me? I'm one of a kind.

So now you've read the warning sign attached to my soul,
Will u b there thru thick & thin, my hand you'll always hold?

If it's too much, I understand. I'll gladly be alone
And be whole, than be used by u, borrowed on a loan.

Now that u know what's going on in my busy mind,
Are you more confused than when u started or do you like what you find?