Monday, July 14, 2008


I have the tendency to find the "meaning" behind everything. That evolves into finding the silver lining in every cloud. There's always something positive or good out of any situation. Either that or I have yet to be proven wrong.

Once I went through a very tough situation that really tested me. I am blessed to have been able go through it because it showed me just how much I could handle and withstand. With Jesus' grace, mercy and strength, of course.

I recently was going through some tough situations (this means, i'm having an internal battle, mind-fight aka stressing) and I told a once-thought best friend that I was in need of support. I told her that I felt so desperate that I was going to get a tattoo of "Jesus" on my hand, just to constantly remind myself that I'm NEVER going through anything alone. It hurt me to no end when she told me that I shouldn't get it and she's happy I didn't rush out to the tattoo place like I told her I felt like doing. I asked myself how could I be friends with her so long and NOT know she felt this way? that she wouldnt support me through my tough times? that she didn't support and actually dis-acknowledged my relationship with Jesus? It hurt. But Jesus got me through, and while I didn't run out and get a tattoo, I did write His name on my hand and faithfully darkened it in with a black pen after every hand wash for two days straight.

I was just about to fall asleep when I saw someone. I saw him, almost too clearly and it scared me so bad to think I would wake up and he wouldn't be here with me. Sad that I'm afraid to sleep and dream about my love. I've never cried harder in my life than the last day I would see him. I was so torn with my emotions and wondering if I should express them. I felt that I should hold back cuz the outcome was looking grim, but I thought maybe by me holding back, I was writing the actual ending to our story, that maybe thats all it took was for me to run after him. Is it too late? Am I overstepping my bounds? My kindred... Maybe me and him together would be like in Hancock.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been so close to tell him these things. I just don't want to be selfish and burden him with this if he's not at the place to work with me. At a point in time, we saw eye to eye! I don't know what he told himself to get over me, but I told myself he had died and that I'd never see him again. that was the only way i could concentrate on getting back to normal. to continuing without him. I am ashamed to say I live for the moments he emails me to see how I'm doing, I live off of his successes. Thats one of the many things he taught me. I know that's what he's doing when he emails me, he wants some of my positivity and good news.

I am blessed to have crossed paths with him. Even if our time together was fleeting.

No comments: