I know I'm free. everyone keeps telling me that. My ancestors fought for my freedom. I could not be where I am today because of them. I get it. But the more I learn about economics and I guess delve deeper into philosophy, I realize I am NOT FREE.
The moment I am born in my society i am in debt. I am taxed upon, counted and categorized. I am worked into the system of census, the education system, Selective service (for males), accountable for taxes from the IRS, expected to abide by the rules and norms of this country. Anything I do that goes against the grain is not only frowned upon, but the "system/government" has so many things in place to make my life living hell, a total nightmare if I don't want to just be normal. I am bound by FICA scores, credit scores, library cards that track my knowledge gaining, bank account statements, timecards that track my hours, hell, even web browser history. I am penalized if I move too many places in a short amount of time. Hell, the ground I walk on isn't free. Dirt is free. rocks are free. but the space that it occupies, oh, u gotta pay for that. I can't breath. I am claustraphobic just thinking I can't come and go as I please. i can't even leave the country on a whim if I want.
I don't mean to sound too extreme, but it's such a sad realization that I can't even be friends with whoever I want without the government potentially wanting to know AND maybe holding it against me at a later date. Uuuughghgghgh. What to do? I dunno. It's just frustrating and disheartening at the same time. I'm tired of the playing the bullshit games that man has invented like stocks, real estate, corporate ladders, , retirement, institutionalized religion, and shit, institutionalized education for that matter. Why should I prove my existence and compete with so many people on a plane that will never be even? I am frustrated because I am told what is supposed to make me happy, like having a good job, a nice car, a college education, my own home to live in for 50+ years, a husband, children and grandkids. Who the hell said that's what I want? I don't have to and you can't make me.
Everybody that knows me knows that I don't like people telling me what to do, lol. Is it evident?
Please don't be alarmed, these are just thoughts, I won't be staging an uprising anytime soon. No coups here. And I'm not that good at being an agitator either. Just some thoughts that have been bouncing round and round and round.
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Monday, November 03, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
I'm stressed
This is my 69th post. Just thought I'd mention that ;-)
Most people have tons of memories of their childhoods, good and bad. We can almost always relate some of our current actions and reasonings for doing things to memories where our parents influenced us. Some serious, some not-so-serious. Some healthy, some unhealthy.
One of my healthy habits I can relate to childhood is the fact that I like to eat a colorful diet. My mom didn't really follow nutritional guidlines to a T: it's kind of difficult to do that when you're more focused on buying enough groceries for the amount of foodstamps you have for the month. But what she did explain to me was to keep your plate colorful. Just eating all bland-colored food is usually unhealty(white, beige, brown) and veggies and fruit are a great way to colorize your plate instantly!! See: a healthy habit from a childhood memory!
One of my unhealthy habits is my way of dealing with stress. Although ultimately I don't seem to have control over exactly what I stress over, I don't deal with it properly. I remember one time as a child I had a conversation with my mom that has help mold that habit.
I remember as a kid telling my mom one day that I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm pretty sure I wasn't depressed, just really sad! I mean if I realized just how poor we really were, I imagine I would have truely been depressed but I was one of those oblivious kids. Just all innocent and spaced out in my own world. I probably heard the word being used on TV or something, because as you know, that word isn't used in the black community (sadly). Back to the conversation: my mom got soooo mad at me! By the way, I must have been about 10. Maybe younger. I understand I probably didn't understand the context that i used that word and what she should have done was point me to the right word and see just what the fcuk her daughter was "depressed" about. What could possibly be the problem, right?
Wrong! She gave me attitude. My mother explained that I wasn't depressed and that I didn't know what it meant to be depressed. She literally gave me attitude like I was maybe ungrateful of being an innocent child. I felt a vibe similar to a short impatient temper on her part maybe because she felt she was or should be the one depressed because she's got a family of 5 to take after, a husband that she constantly fights with, money issues blah blah blah, you get the hint. Irregardless (i love that made-up word), I felt bad for feeling depressed, sad whatever you want to call it, because somebody I love just may have it worse.
So my unhealthy habit is (actually, i have a 2fer on this one) 1)Stress and get apprehensive to talk about it to others 2)Feel bad for complaining. I am sure I am not the only one. I wasn't necessarily raised specifically to be strong, but inadvertently it's what has help molded me to be the way I am. Now, I said all that to say I AM STRESSED.
I am not depressed, but I have a lot on my plate. I want to talk about it, but then I feel like I sound like I'm complaining or whining. But if I don't let some steam off pretty soon, I am going to crash. I honestly don't see an end to my stress for about a month, but I can't take it physically! My neck is all tight, I'm starting to get headaches at the slightest problems, and I get all fever-like. I'm grinding my teeth at night. I feel like butsting out in tears at the smallest things: Unicef commercials... St Judes commercials, Animal Precint, I can't even listen to love songs anymore. I'm stuck listening to talk radio!
I probably just need a few good cries. I think I may watch The Color Purple just to get the tears started.
I honestly envy my friends because after a good talk with me which usually lasts an hour or so, some of them say "I feel better!" I WANT THAT a nonjudgemental person that understands that they don't have to relate to me or solve my problems, but to just listen and know that they care. I need new friends. No, I just need to talk to Jesus more... well, I just have to listen to Him more and stop worrying (which technically isn't a sin, but sinful nonetheless... does that make sense?)
Most people have tons of memories of their childhoods, good and bad. We can almost always relate some of our current actions and reasonings for doing things to memories where our parents influenced us. Some serious, some not-so-serious. Some healthy, some unhealthy.
One of my healthy habits I can relate to childhood is the fact that I like to eat a colorful diet. My mom didn't really follow nutritional guidlines to a T: it's kind of difficult to do that when you're more focused on buying enough groceries for the amount of foodstamps you have for the month. But what she did explain to me was to keep your plate colorful. Just eating all bland-colored food is usually unhealty(white, beige, brown) and veggies and fruit are a great way to colorize your plate instantly!! See: a healthy habit from a childhood memory!
One of my unhealthy habits is my way of dealing with stress. Although ultimately I don't seem to have control over exactly what I stress over, I don't deal with it properly. I remember one time as a child I had a conversation with my mom that has help mold that habit.
I remember as a kid telling my mom one day that I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm pretty sure I wasn't depressed, just really sad! I mean if I realized just how poor we really were, I imagine I would have truely been depressed but I was one of those oblivious kids. Just all innocent and spaced out in my own world. I probably heard the word being used on TV or something, because as you know, that word isn't used in the black community (sadly). Back to the conversation: my mom got soooo mad at me! By the way, I must have been about 10. Maybe younger. I understand I probably didn't understand the context that i used that word and what she should have done was point me to the right word and see just what the fcuk her daughter was "depressed" about. What could possibly be the problem, right?
Wrong! She gave me attitude. My mother explained that I wasn't depressed and that I didn't know what it meant to be depressed. She literally gave me attitude like I was maybe ungrateful of being an innocent child. I felt a vibe similar to a short impatient temper on her part maybe because she felt she was or should be the one depressed because she's got a family of 5 to take after, a husband that she constantly fights with, money issues blah blah blah, you get the hint. Irregardless (i love that made-up word), I felt bad for feeling depressed, sad whatever you want to call it, because somebody I love just may have it worse.
So my unhealthy habit is (actually, i have a 2fer on this one) 1)Stress and get apprehensive to talk about it to others 2)Feel bad for complaining. I am sure I am not the only one. I wasn't necessarily raised specifically to be strong, but inadvertently it's what has help molded me to be the way I am. Now, I said all that to say I AM STRESSED.
I am not depressed, but I have a lot on my plate. I want to talk about it, but then I feel like I sound like I'm complaining or whining. But if I don't let some steam off pretty soon, I am going to crash. I honestly don't see an end to my stress for about a month, but I can't take it physically! My neck is all tight, I'm starting to get headaches at the slightest problems, and I get all fever-like. I'm grinding my teeth at night. I feel like butsting out in tears at the smallest things: Unicef commercials... St Judes commercials, Animal Precint, I can't even listen to love songs anymore. I'm stuck listening to talk radio!
I probably just need a few good cries. I think I may watch The Color Purple just to get the tears started.
I honestly envy my friends because after a good talk with me which usually lasts an hour or so, some of them say "I feel better!" I WANT THAT a nonjudgemental person that understands that they don't have to relate to me or solve my problems, but to just listen and know that they care. I need new friends. No, I just need to talk to Jesus more... well, I just have to listen to Him more and stop worrying (which technically isn't a sin, but sinful nonetheless... does that make sense?)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Onwards and upwards
I quit I quit I qui-it!! (to be sung in the tune of "Ring around the rosies")
So far so good!! I put my two weeks in on Monday, I also started school on Monday as well.
So I would say in about a month, my stress levels will go back to normal... after I get settled in the new job and I get the hang of school! Things are going well!
So far so good!! I put my two weeks in on Monday, I also started school on Monday as well.
So I would say in about a month, my stress levels will go back to normal... after I get settled in the new job and I get the hang of school! Things are going well!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Quarter-life crisis
I just went into my purse and I realized how junky and out of control it is. WOW! It feels like my life! No purpose, no order. How uncanny! So from now on so that I won't trigger any semi-depression spells, I will refer to my life as my purse. Don't get confused if I type: "Wow, where is my purse going right now?" or "My purse is in shambles, I need a purse coach." Or "What is the f@#%#(*&ing meaning of purse!??"
It's just a defense mechanism. I gotta use those psychology classes SOMEHOW, or else how will I get my money's worth? I'm not in a psychology profession, that's for sure! And I won't be anytime soon because I am afraid of living my dream. I feel like settling. A better word is compromise. Help, I'm starting to give up on myself :-(
It's just a defense mechanism. I gotta use those psychology classes SOMEHOW, or else how will I get my money's worth? I'm not in a psychology profession, that's for sure! And I won't be anytime soon because I am afraid of living my dream. I feel like settling. A better word is compromise. Help, I'm starting to give up on myself :-(
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Dream Job
This is probably the last post for today.
I get full of myself sometimes. About my current job at least. Everyone has dreams of what they want to be and do when they grow up. I bet 80-90% of the population ignored those dreams and just took the job that was the most convenient to follow. The path of least resistance.
Well, why do I have to be like that? Not that I'm better than you, but I owe it to myself to be in an occupation that I love to do. Just because you think I have a great job with a good salary and it's what you did, why do you think I should do it? You don't like it either but you're okay with settling because it's easier than pursuing your dreams and other goals.
So, because you were too afraid or not ready to step out of your boundaries, everyone has to follow in those footsteps? I'm different. I'm not happy doing what you do.
I bet you're thinking I should prove you wrong, right? Either that or shut the fuck up, right?
I guess noone is really telling me that it is wrong, just to think it through if I want to do my dream job because it is in an entirely different field of what I am doing now.
To be honest, I don't know exactly what I want to do. I don't think there is even an occupation that exists. Maybe that's where my problem lies: thinking that everyone in this world (especially me) is supposed, no, destined, no, entitled to do what they love and only that.
I get full of myself sometimes. About my current job at least. Everyone has dreams of what they want to be and do when they grow up. I bet 80-90% of the population ignored those dreams and just took the job that was the most convenient to follow. The path of least resistance.
Well, why do I have to be like that? Not that I'm better than you, but I owe it to myself to be in an occupation that I love to do. Just because you think I have a great job with a good salary and it's what you did, why do you think I should do it? You don't like it either but you're okay with settling because it's easier than pursuing your dreams and other goals.
So, because you were too afraid or not ready to step out of your boundaries, everyone has to follow in those footsteps? I'm different. I'm not happy doing what you do.
I bet you're thinking I should prove you wrong, right? Either that or shut the fuck up, right?
I guess noone is really telling me that it is wrong, just to think it through if I want to do my dream job because it is in an entirely different field of what I am doing now.
To be honest, I don't know exactly what I want to do. I don't think there is even an occupation that exists. Maybe that's where my problem lies: thinking that everyone in this world (especially me) is supposed, no, destined, no, entitled to do what they love and only that.
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