Thursday, March 20, 2008

Digging deep

I just want to take a minute to reflect on my life. the romantic/relationship side...

I think my values and standards need a bit of evaluation and a time for analyzing my actions is in order. It's interesting that when you have a strategy for something and it doesn't work, you adapt and tweak your formula so that you have a better chance of being successful the next time around. Why don't I apply this to different areas in my life?

There is a constant and predictable response I give to people and myself when my singleness is up for discussion. "I am picky," I say. I always say I know what I need in a man. I have high standards and my dream guy needs to possess all the traits of my laundry list. Besides, I know what I like. I know a lot of women and men can agree with that statement.

But I find many flaws in that statement.

That is the same tired-ass line (excuse) that I have been using as a security blanket all these years. Frankly, I must admit: I am a commitment-phobe. Regardless of the reasons why, or what circiumstances have made me fear commitment, I just am. However I can easily conceal that issue by conveniently saying that I am picky. For some reason, it just seems more acceptable to say you haven't found that perfect person versus saying you have commitment issues. Who want's to admit to that?! I bet that's the most common problem among single people now-a-days.

Also, when I say I have high standards and I know what I want in a man, I am actually saying that I think I know who can handle me. Well, it's kind of dismissive to have a list of rights and wrongs to judge a person's relationship potential to. People are adaptive and learn from experience. I guess I feel like I'm not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm actually putting myself on a pedestal (not deserved or relationship/friendly spot). I would be offended if I was feeling a guy and he wasn't all that interested because I'm not everything he hoped for. We learn, grow, and compromise as we go forward in relationships. That's the excitement of being in a relationship. I think I'm looking for a ready-made husband I guess. And that's not fair because I'm not a ready-made wife.

Also, having high standards in the opposite sex implies that I have my shit together ha ha LOL! I am seeking perfection when I myself am perfectly flawed. I am not perfect and I know I'm not average. I am unique and eccentric. I am very random and scatterbrained, yet thoughtfully caring and a deep thinker. I am not that emotional when it comes to my life and personal affairs, but I am an emotional person. I expect people to confide in me and I want to be the rock and moral support for them, but it is hard for me to allow my friends to be my support. In my mind, I'm more goofy and silly than anything, but for some reason, that turns on the opposite sex when they are first-hand witnesses to it. I am a hard worker and sort of a people-pleaser (which I think is annoying...).

I am my worst critic and I am hard on myself when it comes to performance. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong (also annoying...). For the most part, I am good at ignoring my conscience. But when I meet people during those periods and my conscience gets too loud to ignore and it goes back into effect, I distance myself from the people I've been with, and everything they and I've been partaking in is WRONG! I hate being so flip-flopy, but it seems like if I don't ignore my conscience sometimes, I will live a very dull and boring life. The bad thing is I am nurturing the bad habit of being in short-term friendships/relationships. If I keep exercising the right to just dump people because of my temporary lapse of judgement, I will strengthen all the wrong emotions that are needed to cut people off and shut feelings down.

I know I have a lot of issues about myself. Some things that will be with me until old age and some things that I may change if it becomes out of hand. I am the first person to say that I need someone non-judmental, but aren't I judging by having this stupid list?

I'm scrubbing my list. It's just not working for me. It never has!

Q: Why use the same blueprint over and over again if the building keeps falling?
A: You don't.


Ms Sula said...

Whoa.. That was a very clear, thorough analysis of your state of mind... As you know, I don't have the answers... But I guess we need to keep asking the questions, right?

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

sweetpea said...

Sometimes the truth hurts... but in the name of spring cleaning, I figured I'd start with my innards lol, then work on the house!

Thanks for the comment :-)