Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm stressed

This is my 69th post. Just thought I'd mention that ;-)

Most people have tons of memories of their childhoods, good and bad. We can almost always relate some of our current actions and reasonings for doing things to memories where our parents influenced us. Some serious, some not-so-serious. Some healthy, some unhealthy.

One of my healthy habits I can relate to childhood is the fact that I like to eat a colorful diet. My mom didn't really follow nutritional guidlines to a T: it's kind of difficult to do that when you're more focused on buying enough groceries for the amount of foodstamps you have for the month. But what she did explain to me was to keep your plate colorful. Just eating all bland-colored food is usually unhealty(white, beige, brown) and veggies and fruit are a great way to colorize your plate instantly!! See: a healthy habit from a childhood memory!

One of my unhealthy habits is my way of dealing with stress. Although ultimately I don't seem to have control over exactly what I stress over, I don't deal with it properly. I remember one time as a child I had a conversation with my mom that has help mold that habit.

I remember as a kid telling my mom one day that I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm pretty sure I wasn't depressed, just really sad! I mean if I realized just how poor we really were, I imagine I would have truely been depressed but I was one of those oblivious kids. Just all innocent and spaced out in my own world. I probably heard the word being used on TV or something, because as you know, that word isn't used in the black community (sadly). Back to the conversation: my mom got soooo mad at me! By the way, I must have been about 10. Maybe younger. I understand I probably didn't understand the context that i used that word and what she should have done was point me to the right word and see just what the fcuk her daughter was "depressed" about. What could possibly be the problem, right?

Wrong! She gave me attitude. My mother explained that I wasn't depressed and that I didn't know what it meant to be depressed. She literally gave me attitude like I was maybe ungrateful of being an innocent child. I felt a vibe similar to a short impatient temper on her part maybe because she felt she was or should be the one depressed because she's got a family of 5 to take after, a husband that she constantly fights with, money issues blah blah blah, you get the hint. Irregardless (i love that made-up word), I felt bad for feeling depressed, sad whatever you want to call it, because somebody I love just may have it worse.

So my unhealthy habit is (actually, i have a 2fer on this one) 1)Stress and get apprehensive to talk about it to others 2)Feel bad for complaining. I am sure I am not the only one. I wasn't necessarily raised specifically to be strong, but inadvertently it's what has help molded me to be the way I am. Now, I said all that to say I AM STRESSED.

I am not depressed, but I have a lot on my plate. I want to talk about it, but then I feel like I sound like I'm complaining or whining. But if I don't let some steam off pretty soon, I am going to crash. I honestly don't see an end to my stress for about a month, but I can't take it physically! My neck is all tight, I'm starting to get headaches at the slightest problems, and I get all fever-like. I'm grinding my teeth at night. I feel like butsting out in tears at the smallest things: Unicef commercials... St Judes commercials, Animal Precint, I can't even listen to love songs anymore. I'm stuck listening to talk radio!

I probably just need a few good cries. I think I may watch The Color Purple just to get the tears started.

I honestly envy my friends because after a good talk with me which usually lasts an hour or so, some of them say "I feel better!" I WANT THAT a nonjudgemental person that understands that they don't have to relate to me or solve my problems, but to just listen and know that they care. I need new friends. No, I just need to talk to Jesus more... well, I just have to listen to Him more and stop worrying (which technically isn't a sin, but sinful nonetheless... does that make sense?)

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