I think love and relationships is a chemistry, no a gamble, no a dance? I dunno. It's an interesting sometimes complex sometimes simple thing. When do you say go to the next round? What makes the next one want to push off or get closer? I give but I don't commit. I... the knowledge of knowing that I can be with anyone I want and fall in love and stay committed forever isn't enough to give me the determination and or heart to try it out. Especially if I don't know my partner feels the same way. What about that fight? Crossroads come up sometimes and I'm faced with a make-or-break scenario. This would be a great time to have a crystal ball. Who knows that by me acting non- challant will be perceived as being cold and stand-offish. Who knows that by me not expressing my sincere desire to be with him will confirm his fears that I don't really want to be with him. Sometimes I am too afraid to just say what I want in fear of rejection that I remain quiet and slowly dictate the exact opposite of what I want. Sometimes i remain quiet and then the true outcome is just what I feared would happen. Sometimes two people in a relationship are too much. I don't want to say what I feel because I don't know if he will get scared and back off. Like there's no other answer than NO! You want to be serious. I don't, but I still like you. I think we should break up because I've somehow misled you to have stronger feelings than you have. Or I am now intimidated because i don't want to be with you and the only other option is seriousness which means marriage and I don't ever want to be married. Just go woth the guy. I had a good run with o. bad with d, so far with rio it's been okay. I've been progressing with him and not ahead of him. Follow his lead and not read into certain things he says cuz until he is direct and up front and has a conversation with me than I will not assume anything. The problem with d. read into it and took that as a sign to move forward. Actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions. Words are fillers. So filter the bullshit out. Don't throw it away, just put it on the back burner. Then think about some things i've said just to see his reaction. Like the time about marriage. He said he didn't think it would work for his friend. Especially since he said "for real this time". Anywho, I expressed my thought that one person till the day I die may be impossible. He says, he thinks it doable. I said don't get me wrong, I am not a wedding basher. I am a romantic and believe in people being committed partners but I don't know if it would happen to me (tragic). I'm looking at it all wrong.
stand-offish

*(Disclaimer: one-sided, entirely: my side.)

I went home for the Thanksgiving holiday. My sister, her husband and his sister and my niece went home too (home isn't home, but actually the city where the bulk of my immediate family and grandparents relocated to in the 90's.) It was bitter sweet. I wanted to cry at the airport leaving just thinking of the lack of support/nurturing from my parents towards my brother. I just got drunk at Chilies off of Margaritas instead, it numbed the pain pretty well.

It angers all of us at how complacent and non-committal they are and how blatantly obvious it is that they don't want anything to do with their kids if they're still kids or if they need anything. We all have jobs, we don't need anything from them because they've forced us to be independent, heck, they've been asking us for money since our single digit ages, but it still angers/saddens us in different degrees at how it affects us.

My sister pointed out that when I went to get my mom from work, when we came back to the house, she didn't even come see her one and only granddaughter that she's only seen 3 times. She just gave us the deuce and went to her room. Okay, so ignore us, but at least try to act like u care about a baby who didn't do nothing to you. I know u tired, but c'mon! We joke about the behaviors and actions of our parents but we don't ever talk about how it affects us and our choices in our adult lives. I know it's made me how I am, and I know my sister is how she is because of them cuz she saidto her husband: Maybe u can understand me more now that you see where i came from.

No wonder why I cried so hard when I left my friends families house in California back in August... they were so caring and loving to me. Someone they didn't even know! Some stranger off the street, but they housed me and fed me until I couldn't think straight. When I got on the plane going home, i was so touched by the love that I obviously cannot get from my own family I bawled! I'm trying to keep it together now, but it's difficult. I got finals to study for and parties to celebrate at and I really can't dwell on this right now cuz i need the energy for the positive things.

I may have to make a call to my mom and tell her how i feel. But i know how that'll go. " I didn't know thats how you took it. I was tired. Your brother will be fine, he doesn't need my help: just look how u and ur sister turned out!" Then she'll get defensive and blame it on the way she was raised with her parents, like she's some kind of cyborg with no capacity to think on her own. Excuses. She'll get hurt and she'll express that and then it'll be another year till we see them again. When my brother is out the house, I won't be going back for a while. I have no reason because there's no real positive interaction when I go home.

"So how are your parents?" "I guess they're good, but I'm not happy with what I saw." Nothing has changed.

I'm not free

I know I'm free. everyone keeps telling me that. My ancestors fought for my freedom. I could not be where I am today because of them. I get it. But the more I learn about economics and I guess delve deeper into philosophy, I realize I am NOT FREE.

The moment I am born in my society i am in debt. I am taxed upon, counted and categorized. I am worked into the system of census, the education system, Selective service (for males), accountable for taxes from the IRS, expected to abide by the rules and norms of this country. Anything I do that goes against the grain is not only frowned upon, but the "system/government" has so many things in place to make my life living hell, a total nightmare if I don't want to just be normal. I am bound by FICA scores, credit scores, library cards that track my knowledge gaining, bank account statements, timecards that track my hours, hell, even web browser history. I am penalized if I move too many places in a short amount of time. Hell, the ground I walk on isn't free. Dirt is free. rocks are free. but the space that it occupies, oh, u gotta pay for that. I can't breath. I am claustraphobic just thinking I can't come and go as I please. i can't even leave the country on a whim if I want.

I don't mean to sound too extreme, but it's such a sad realization that I can't even be friends with whoever I want without the government potentially wanting to know AND maybe holding it against me at a later date. Uuuughghgghgh. What to do? I dunno. It's just frustrating and disheartening at the same time. I'm tired of the playing the bullshit games that man has invented like stocks, real estate, corporate ladders, , retirement, institutionalized religion, and shit, institutionalized education for that matter. Why should I prove my existence and compete with so many people on a plane that will never be even? I am frustrated because I am told what is supposed to make me happy, like having a good job, a nice car, a college education, my own home to live in for 50+ years, a husband, children and grandkids. Who the hell said that's what I want? I don't have to and you can't make me.

Everybody that knows me knows that I don't like people telling me what to do, lol. Is it evident?

Please don't be alarmed, these are just thoughts, I won't be staging an uprising anytime soon. No coups here. And I'm not that good at being an agitator either. Just some thoughts that have been bouncing round and round and round.

I'm stressed

This is my 69th post. Just thought I'd mention that ;-)

Most people have tons of memories of their childhoods, good and bad. We can almost always relate some of our current actions and reasonings for doing things to memories where our parents influenced us. Some serious, some not-so-serious. Some healthy, some unhealthy.

One of my healthy habits I can relate to childhood is the fact that I like to eat a colorful diet. My mom didn't really follow nutritional guidlines to a T: it's kind of difficult to do that when you're more focused on buying enough groceries for the amount of foodstamps you have for the month. But what she did explain to me was to keep your plate colorful. Just eating all bland-colored food is usually unhealty(white, beige, brown) and veggies and fruit are a great way to colorize your plate instantly!! See: a healthy habit from a childhood memory!

One of my unhealthy habits is my way of dealing with stress. Although ultimately I don't seem to have control over exactly what I stress over, I don't deal with it properly. I remember one time as a child I had a conversation with my mom that has help mold that habit.

I remember as a kid telling my mom one day that I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm pretty sure I wasn't depressed, just really sad! I mean if I realized just how poor we really were, I imagine I would have truely been depressed but I was one of those oblivious kids. Just all innocent and spaced out in my own world. I probably heard the word being used on TV or something, because as you know, that word isn't used in the black community (sadly). Back to the conversation: my mom got soooo mad at me! By the way, I must have been about 10. Maybe younger. I understand I probably didn't understand the context that i used that word and what she should have done was point me to the right word and see just what the fcuk her daughter was "depressed" about. What could possibly be the problem, right?

Wrong! She gave me attitude. My mother explained that I wasn't depressed and that I didn't know what it meant to be depressed. She literally gave me attitude like I was maybe ungrateful of being an innocent child. I felt a vibe similar to a short impatient temper on her part maybe because she felt she was or should be the one depressed because she's got a family of 5 to take after, a husband that she constantly fights with, money issues blah blah blah, you get the hint. Irregardless (i love that made-up word), I felt bad for feeling depressed, sad whatever you want to call it, because somebody I love just may have it worse.

So my unhealthy habit is (actually, i have a 2fer on this one) 1)Stress and get apprehensive to talk about it to others 2)Feel bad for complaining. I am sure I am not the only one. I wasn't necessarily raised specifically to be strong, but inadvertently it's what has help molded me to be the way I am. Now, I said all that to say I AM STRESSED.

I am not depressed, but I have a lot on my plate. I want to talk about it, but then I feel like I sound like I'm complaining or whining. But if I don't let some steam off pretty soon, I am going to crash. I honestly don't see an end to my stress for about a month, but I can't take it physically! My neck is all tight, I'm starting to get headaches at the slightest problems, and I get all fever-like. I'm grinding my teeth at night. I feel like butsting out in tears at the smallest things: Unicef commercials... St Judes commercials, Animal Precint, I can't even listen to love songs anymore. I'm stuck listening to talk radio!

I probably just need a few good cries. I think I may watch The Color Purple just to get the tears started.

I honestly envy my friends because after a good talk with me which usually lasts an hour or so, some of them say "I feel better!" I WANT THAT a nonjudgemental person that understands that they don't have to relate to me or solve my problems, but to just listen and know that they care. I need new friends. No, I just need to talk to Jesus more... well, I just have to listen to Him more and stop worrying (which technically isn't a sin, but sinful nonetheless... does that make sense?)

Who I attract... this is another long one...

This post covers two things: The kind of men I attract (with some detail to one in particular), and money issues with the men I attract... Apparently they relate to each other, sadly.

I was at the MSN page this morning and i saw a link to an irresistible article about "Are you dating a player?" Frankly, I'm not dating anyone, more like talking to/getting to know... but I figured I'd compare my notes with MSN's notes... I may have some signs that they missed...

Anyway, the first one: "He's bold. For the player, the pickup is a game. He doesn't approach women with the same nerves or awkwardness of a normal guy. He’ll walk up confidently, with a big smile and great eye contact. His manner will be smooth and put-together." blah blah blah It goes on to say that they're not nervous because they do it all the time. While I don't agree nor disagree, it had me thinking about how I act when men approach me.

This struck a cord and I realized that because of how shy, quiet and reserved I act when I meet a potential, I must look like a newbie to the game. That's like blood to a shark! Those "players" automatically assume I am naive and try their hardest to sink their claws in...

The last few potentials... yep, so-called players in my mind ESPECIALLY because each one of them asked for money for some reason or another all nonchalantly Like we've known each other for years. What have you done for me lately? What am i doing that makes you think I'm stupid enough to loan you money to buy a motorcycle (when u admitted u still owe your momma, at the age of 29 still getting loans from her), pay your cousin back, fly you in to see me, trade up your car, pay your child support, etc?

Of course I said no each time, and not all of those have been the specific excuses but you get my drift.

One of them, I just stopped talking to altogether! Especially since he told me that he pushed his Denali down a hill/cliff to collect insurance (he had the nerve to say it all regular-like, what did I expect, this was his second time doing it... silly me). I had to get off the phone with him cuz I literally started to get physically ill! Who in their right minds would do that?!

#1) A Denali? Shit, I woulda bought it off him. Ha ha! Apparently he didn't want to sell it... child support...

#2) I got a clearance. I aint tryna fug with nobody dealing with out of control debt problems and insurance fraud. I ran and never looked back! Just stopped all contact cold turkey.

That was in September, I think... Well yesterday I FINALLY got IM and because i don't know how to log on invisible yet... guess who decided to chat it up... The Denali killer. Eventually thru the convo he asked why I stopped talking to him and why I deleted him off myspace (I'm sooo notorious for that...)

I gave him the usual lie about myspace: ethics complaint at work blah blah blah, investigation involving myspace and coworkers blah. I know ppl can see thru it, but nobody calls me on it, so imma keep using it!! By the way, myspace is a joke.

But i told him the partial truth about why i stopped talking to him. I knew MONTHS in advance that he was gonna ask for money, only it was a matter of time, so I stopped caring what he said. I told my cousin about it like 6 months prior and then he did it. I shoulda played the lotto on it.

Anyways digression is a b!tch... i told him that i don't know how to say no after i say yes (yeah, i told him yes with no intentions of loaning him money because it went with my plan of having SOME reason for never talking to him other than me just being a b!tch). I also told him that I'm bad at communication and I suppress my opinions so that I don't offend people, but i dig a hole so deep, there's no crawling out when I disagree with them. He said he figured that it was about the money. Oh, and that it was childish of me... Yes "That was childish of you!" I laughed and typed, "I know".

I can't tell you how many countless things he's done that are childish and nowhere near manly! One involves him waiting to be courtmarshalled by the military for desertion... among other trifling-ass things he shared with me. He has an uncanny and undeserved sense of entitlement about him! I think i talked to him because of his stories and my morbid curiosity of if he could top himself! I guess he especially thought because he was so honest about everything, he was granted to do anything he wanted, regardless of if it's against normal people's morals and values... Geez, how do I attract these boys? WTF?

Working with old people... it's a doozy.

I feel exx.xxpecially guilty about informing one specific person
that im leaving my old job. it's crazy that i feel guilty cuz she
has that uncanny ability to drive anybody crazy! I am a sick
woman. I feel like an enabler. I protect her from adapting to
the real world and treating others with respect by adapting to her crazy
distortion of realness. By doing that, i minimize her instances
of conflict between her and others.

I can work with anybody. I'm sorry but nobody's coming between
me and my paycheck!

I adapt easily and I selfishly adapted to her so I could actually
have work to do. I don't know if this makes sense
to anybody else, because it doesn't make sense to me!
I know enablers mainly are for addicts, but it applies to this situation
because there's a codependent relationship between us.


its the lady that nobody can work with... I've been working with
her for about 3 years off and on when I'm not deployed.
She literally has run through 7+ people
cuz she is so difficult to work with.

Once, she begged and begged that they hire someone else to assist her.
They jumped through HOOPS to find the money to salary someone.
especially because they can barely justify keeping her position in
the first place.

A difficult woman she is: she's older, forgets stuff
and then blames it on others. shit, she blames stuff on me
all the time to my face without saying it.

she'll tell you to do paperwork
and when you bring it back for her to check, she pulls out a red pen...
WTF, you ask, she used to be a teacher like 15 years ago...
she's very picky. She'll ask
you for your opinion and feedback, but when you start talking,
she either stops listening or starts talking over you.

Don't even decide to ask her a question about
something you worked on yesterday. She'll stare at you
with the blankest of faces. You have to start drawing
pie charts pull out graphing calculators and start alligning
the stars for her to remember... she makes me feel like i'm
speaking in another language. [sigh]

Her style as a team lead sucks! She says,
"lets make this a collaboration! You don't need leadership from me!"
"Please, I welcome your input!" but then when
you start suggesting things [lol] she starts giving you all these
explanations why she does things her way! Like you're
attacking her or something... I figured that out early on,
so i now just suggest things underhandedly and when
she gets it and repeats it, i act like it was her idea.
See, im an enabler!

but nobody probably would want the position i fill as her assistant. hell,
i'm not even supposed to be doing it in the first place! it's just so
boring at work, i'd volunteer to clean the toilets just to stay
busy!

Anyway, i digressed. I am the go-to girl for expense reports cuz
she's too busy doing travel arrangements, logging and all that other
boring stuff. A secret between u and me... I've done her job... yep! and
it wasn't THAT hard! She was out for ankle surgery and i was the
only one on the team left! We went from 5-woman team to little ole
me in literally 2 months. she drove 2 people off the team, one other
team member went to iraq, so it was just me to do the work of 5. Um,
i survived! So, yes, it's her!

So why, you ask, do i feel guilty for having to tell her that
I'm quitting? Ha! I told you, I'm a sick woman! Can
the abused wife answer why she won't leave her alcoholic
husband? Can the beraded and down-trodden adult child
answer why he won't stop being in contact with his highly critical,
verbally abusive and degrading father? Can the
hard-working peon answer why she won't leave the needy,
overbearing sensitive-ego boss that pays hard work with a couple
of thank you's and no raise?

Why am I so dramatic? Good God. I got shit to do, i shouldn't have been typing
this out for this long. It got a little out of hand, whoops, sorry!

but I must admit, I do feel better!!