Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I'm crying inside and outside

I have GOT to get over this fear of crying!! OMG total ridiculousness! lol,

Why oh why do I associate crying with weakness?! As my mother says: Pray tell!!! (Damn, my momma's weird, speaking in Medieval Shakespearian old english... ha ha).

Anyways, I have been going through the reversal process of disallowing myself to feel. To connect emotionally and empathize, as i do so well. I would say that my progress is good. I am sentimental about almost anything, which is to be expected. I can't watch "The Locator" without crying my eyes out, and I get choked up when I listen to When You Believe by Whitney and Mariah... Progress indeed.

I am not sure where I am going with being in touch with my emotions, I just know that I'm tired of being numb.

My next choice I am afraid of, though. Scared shitless, even. Doing it would even allow me to tap into my raw unabridged unbridled self, and to be honest I am afraid of myself. I know I am being kind of vague, but let me try to break this down for u.

#1: My next choice: getting off of the Depo Shot. Why I am scared? Depo supresses my cycle. It also suppresses my libido, yearn for the opposite sex, and emotions that I encounter every month. Forget PMS, have you heard of PMDD??

#2: Why i am afraid: My emotions are on steroids when I go through the monthly cycle without Depo. I cry for no reason, I am sad for no reason, mad for no reason, ecstatic for no reason, and this is for two weeks out of the month. Who has time for that?! I dwell on thoughts that are meaningless to the average person during this time, I question and analyze anything and everything people say to me or do to me. I am just too strung out on unimportant things. My emotions get the best of me and although I KNOW better, rational and logic thoughts are pushed out of my head by irrational, emotion fueled nasty toxic thoughts. I feel like I have no control over myself or what I'm thinking. It's a scary place to be.

Once I was soooo tired and afraid of my own self destructive thoughts that I went to a ob/gyn and she prescribed me... uggghhh... Sarafem (aka Prozac).

I hate PMS.

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