*(Disclaimer: one-sided, entirely: my side.)

I went home for the Thanksgiving holiday. My sister, her husband and his sister and my niece went home too (home isn't home, but actually the city where the bulk of my immediate family and grandparents relocated to in the 90's.) It was bitter sweet. I wanted to cry at the airport leaving just thinking of the lack of support/nurturing from my parents towards my brother. I just got drunk at Chilies off of Margaritas instead, it numbed the pain pretty well.

It angers all of us at how complacent and non-committal they are and how blatantly obvious it is that they don't want anything to do with their kids if they're still kids or if they need anything. We all have jobs, we don't need anything from them because they've forced us to be independent, heck, they've been asking us for money since our single digit ages, but it still angers/saddens us in different degrees at how it affects us.

My sister pointed out that when I went to get my mom from work, when we came back to the house, she didn't even come see her one and only granddaughter that she's only seen 3 times. She just gave us the deuce and went to her room. Okay, so ignore us, but at least try to act like u care about a baby who didn't do nothing to you. I know u tired, but c'mon! We joke about the behaviors and actions of our parents but we don't ever talk about how it affects us and our choices in our adult lives. I know it's made me how I am, and I know my sister is how she is because of them cuz she saidto her husband: Maybe u can understand me more now that you see where i came from.

No wonder why I cried so hard when I left my friends families house in California back in August... they were so caring and loving to me. Someone they didn't even know! Some stranger off the street, but they housed me and fed me until I couldn't think straight. When I got on the plane going home, i was so touched by the love that I obviously cannot get from my own family I bawled! I'm trying to keep it together now, but it's difficult. I got finals to study for and parties to celebrate at and I really can't dwell on this right now cuz i need the energy for the positive things.

I may have to make a call to my mom and tell her how i feel. But i know how that'll go. " I didn't know thats how you took it. I was tired. Your brother will be fine, he doesn't need my help: just look how u and ur sister turned out!" Then she'll get defensive and blame it on the way she was raised with her parents, like she's some kind of cyborg with no capacity to think on her own. Excuses. She'll get hurt and she'll express that and then it'll be another year till we see them again. When my brother is out the house, I won't be going back for a while. I have no reason because there's no real positive interaction when I go home.

"So how are your parents?" "I guess they're good, but I'm not happy with what I saw." Nothing has changed.

I'm crying inside and outside

I have GOT to get over this fear of crying!! OMG total ridiculousness! lol,

Why oh why do I associate crying with weakness?! As my mother says: Pray tell!!! (Damn, my momma's weird, speaking in Medieval Shakespearian old english... ha ha).

Anyways, I have been going through the reversal process of disallowing myself to feel. To connect emotionally and empathize, as i do so well. I would say that my progress is good. I am sentimental about almost anything, which is to be expected. I can't watch "The Locator" without crying my eyes out, and I get choked up when I listen to When You Believe by Whitney and Mariah... Progress indeed.

I am not sure where I am going with being in touch with my emotions, I just know that I'm tired of being numb.

My next choice I am afraid of, though. Scared shitless, even. Doing it would even allow me to tap into my raw unabridged unbridled self, and to be honest I am afraid of myself. I know I am being kind of vague, but let me try to break this down for u.

#1: My next choice: getting off of the Depo Shot. Why I am scared? Depo supresses my cycle. It also suppresses my libido, yearn for the opposite sex, and emotions that I encounter every month. Forget PMS, have you heard of PMDD??

#2: Why i am afraid: My emotions are on steroids when I go through the monthly cycle without Depo. I cry for no reason, I am sad for no reason, mad for no reason, ecstatic for no reason, and this is for two weeks out of the month. Who has time for that?! I dwell on thoughts that are meaningless to the average person during this time, I question and analyze anything and everything people say to me or do to me. I am just too strung out on unimportant things. My emotions get the best of me and although I KNOW better, rational and logic thoughts are pushed out of my head by irrational, emotion fueled nasty toxic thoughts. I feel like I have no control over myself or what I'm thinking. It's a scary place to be.

Once I was soooo tired and afraid of my own self destructive thoughts that I went to a ob/gyn and she prescribed me... uggghhh... Sarafem (aka Prozac).

I hate PMS.