Big Girls Don't Cry

I don't know how that other crying post got away from me at the end. Short attention span, bless my heart!

I pull out a journal entry archive of Jan 23, 2007. Back when I was trying to free myself from mental bondage:

Today is January 23 2007

Penelope Cruz said when she was acting in a movie of another language:

"Oh so scary... I was always going to the bathroom to cry and coming back and trying to hide it"

So I was thinking if something is so scary
and makes you cry, why would you do it"
I dunno... If something made me cry like that
I wouldn't subject myself to it. Why? Because
of what it means to me when I cry. It shows
weakness. And vulnerability. You can't control
your emotions and you let someone get to you
and affect you that closely that u cry. But
apparently that's not the case with her. She
uses it because she is scared. Maybe it's
like peeing when drinking a lot of beer or
trying to hold smoke in when there's a fire.
If that's the case, then it's a release thing.

Maybe people like Penelope are so much more
in touch with their emotions. maybe life
is so much more different for someone
who can cry. What if I was really
stresed and about 60-90 percent
of my anxiety would be relieved through
crying. maybe I'm missing out on that.
So say If I went out and
cried. Then felt better. In my mind
I would think that ppl would be thinking
that im childish. That I cant be a grown
up and act accordingly. When i was
a child, crying was frowned upon.

My mom would tell us if we cried
"You better stop crying or I'll give
you something to cry for". I mean,
then you stop crying because the thought
the mere thought of your mother that
you love dearly more than anything will
give you unwarranted pain unjustified
pain over your crying, which by the
way isn't always controllable!

Oh, my God, are you serious? You can't be
serious? You would really hit me? That
would make me even more sad and I could
see myself crying even more.

It's like you're not allowed to cry over
your feelings. Not allowed. No emotions are
intense enough to warrant tears. Only
pain. Physical pain."