I think love and relationships is a chemistry, no a gamble, no a dance? I dunno. It's an interesting sometimes complex sometimes simple thing. When do you say go to the next round? What makes the next one want to push off or get closer? I give but I don't commit. I... the knowledge of knowing that I can be with anyone I want and fall in love and stay committed forever isn't enough to give me the determination and or heart to try it out. Especially if I don't know my partner feels the same way. What about that fight? Crossroads come up sometimes and I'm faced with a make-or-break scenario. This would be a great time to have a crystal ball. Who knows that by me acting non- challant will be perceived as being cold and stand-offish. Who knows that by me not expressing my sincere desire to be with him will confirm his fears that I don't really want to be with him. Sometimes I am too afraid to just say what I want in fear of rejection that I remain quiet and slowly dictate the exact opposite of what I want. Sometimes i remain quiet and then the true outcome is just what I feared would happen. Sometimes two people in a relationship are too much. I don't want to say what I feel because I don't know if he will get scared and back off. Like there's no other answer than NO! You want to be serious. I don't, but I still like you. I think we should break up because I've somehow misled you to have stronger feelings than you have. Or I am now intimidated because i don't want to be with you and the only other option is seriousness which means marriage and I don't ever want to be married. Just go woth the guy. I had a good run with o. bad with d, so far with rio it's been okay. I've been progressing with him and not ahead of him. Follow his lead and not read into certain things he says cuz until he is direct and up front and has a conversation with me than I will not assume anything. The problem with d. read into it and took that as a sign to move forward. Actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions. Words are fillers. So filter the bullshit out. Don't throw it away, just put it on the back burner. Then think about some things i've said just to see his reaction. Like the time about marriage. He said he didn't think it would work for his friend. Especially since he said "for real this time". Anywho, I expressed my thought that one person till the day I die may be impossible. He says, he thinks it doable. I said don't get me wrong, I am not a wedding basher. I am a romantic and believe in people being committed partners but I don't know if it would happen to me (tragic). I'm looking at it all wrong.
stand-offish

I'm crying inside and outside

I have GOT to get over this fear of crying!! OMG total ridiculousness! lol,

Why oh why do I associate crying with weakness?! As my mother says: Pray tell!!! (Damn, my momma's weird, speaking in Medieval Shakespearian old english... ha ha).

Anyways, I have been going through the reversal process of disallowing myself to feel. To connect emotionally and empathize, as i do so well. I would say that my progress is good. I am sentimental about almost anything, which is to be expected. I can't watch "The Locator" without crying my eyes out, and I get choked up when I listen to When You Believe by Whitney and Mariah... Progress indeed.

I am not sure where I am going with being in touch with my emotions, I just know that I'm tired of being numb.

My next choice I am afraid of, though. Scared shitless, even. Doing it would even allow me to tap into my raw unabridged unbridled self, and to be honest I am afraid of myself. I know I am being kind of vague, but let me try to break this down for u.

#1: My next choice: getting off of the Depo Shot. Why I am scared? Depo supresses my cycle. It also suppresses my libido, yearn for the opposite sex, and emotions that I encounter every month. Forget PMS, have you heard of PMDD??

#2: Why i am afraid: My emotions are on steroids when I go through the monthly cycle without Depo. I cry for no reason, I am sad for no reason, mad for no reason, ecstatic for no reason, and this is for two weeks out of the month. Who has time for that?! I dwell on thoughts that are meaningless to the average person during this time, I question and analyze anything and everything people say to me or do to me. I am just too strung out on unimportant things. My emotions get the best of me and although I KNOW better, rational and logic thoughts are pushed out of my head by irrational, emotion fueled nasty toxic thoughts. I feel like I have no control over myself or what I'm thinking. It's a scary place to be.

Once I was soooo tired and afraid of my own self destructive thoughts that I went to a ob/gyn and she prescribed me... uggghhh... Sarafem (aka Prozac).

I hate PMS.