I think love and relationships is a chemistry, no a gamble, no a dance? I dunno. It's an interesting sometimes complex sometimes simple thing. When do you say go to the next round? What makes the next one want to push off or get closer? I give but I don't commit. I... the knowledge of knowing that I can be with anyone I want and fall in love and stay committed forever isn't enough to give me the determination and or heart to try it out. Especially if I don't know my partner feels the same way. What about that fight? Crossroads come up sometimes and I'm faced with a make-or-break scenario. This would be a great time to have a crystal ball. Who knows that by me acting non- challant will be perceived as being cold and stand-offish. Who knows that by me not expressing my sincere desire to be with him will confirm his fears that I don't really want to be with him. Sometimes I am too afraid to just say what I want in fear of rejection that I remain quiet and slowly dictate the exact opposite of what I want. Sometimes i remain quiet and then the true outcome is just what I feared would happen. Sometimes two people in a relationship are too much. I don't want to say what I feel because I don't know if he will get scared and back off. Like there's no other answer than NO! You want to be serious. I don't, but I still like you. I think we should break up because I've somehow misled you to have stronger feelings than you have. Or I am now intimidated because i don't want to be with you and the only other option is seriousness which means marriage and I don't ever want to be married. Just go woth the guy. I had a good run with o. bad with d, so far with rio it's been okay. I've been progressing with him and not ahead of him. Follow his lead and not read into certain things he says cuz until he is direct and up front and has a conversation with me than I will not assume anything. The problem with d. read into it and took that as a sign to move forward. Actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions. Words are fillers. So filter the bullshit out. Don't throw it away, just put it on the back burner. Then think about some things i've said just to see his reaction. Like the time about marriage. He said he didn't think it would work for his friend. Especially since he said "for real this time". Anywho, I expressed my thought that one person till the day I die may be impossible. He says, he thinks it doable. I said don't get me wrong, I am not a wedding basher. I am a romantic and believe in people being committed partners but I don't know if it would happen to me (tragic). I'm looking at it all wrong.
stand-offish

I'm not free

I know I'm free. everyone keeps telling me that. My ancestors fought for my freedom. I could not be where I am today because of them. I get it. But the more I learn about economics and I guess delve deeper into philosophy, I realize I am NOT FREE.

The moment I am born in my society i am in debt. I am taxed upon, counted and categorized. I am worked into the system of census, the education system, Selective service (for males), accountable for taxes from the IRS, expected to abide by the rules and norms of this country. Anything I do that goes against the grain is not only frowned upon, but the "system/government" has so many things in place to make my life living hell, a total nightmare if I don't want to just be normal. I am bound by FICA scores, credit scores, library cards that track my knowledge gaining, bank account statements, timecards that track my hours, hell, even web browser history. I am penalized if I move too many places in a short amount of time. Hell, the ground I walk on isn't free. Dirt is free. rocks are free. but the space that it occupies, oh, u gotta pay for that. I can't breath. I am claustraphobic just thinking I can't come and go as I please. i can't even leave the country on a whim if I want.

I don't mean to sound too extreme, but it's such a sad realization that I can't even be friends with whoever I want without the government potentially wanting to know AND maybe holding it against me at a later date. Uuuughghgghgh. What to do? I dunno. It's just frustrating and disheartening at the same time. I'm tired of the playing the bullshit games that man has invented like stocks, real estate, corporate ladders, , retirement, institutionalized religion, and shit, institutionalized education for that matter. Why should I prove my existence and compete with so many people on a plane that will never be even? I am frustrated because I am told what is supposed to make me happy, like having a good job, a nice car, a college education, my own home to live in for 50+ years, a husband, children and grandkids. Who the hell said that's what I want? I don't have to and you can't make me.

Everybody that knows me knows that I don't like people telling me what to do, lol. Is it evident?

Please don't be alarmed, these are just thoughts, I won't be staging an uprising anytime soon. No coups here. And I'm not that good at being an agitator either. Just some thoughts that have been bouncing round and round and round.

Connections

Whenever some topic is on my mind, for some odd reason, it comes at me in many directions and in many vessels. Maybe it's the law of attraction, I won't pretend to understand but I'll take it for what it's worth. For instance: I was reading a fiction book about soul mates, wisdom, following your dream. I was struck with the thought that while I am constantly absorbing knowledge, I need to think about wisdom as well, and learn more about it. It is just as, if not more important...

So, the next day i call my grandmother and my uncle and within minutes of each other (not even aware of each other's convo with me...) they both talk to me about wisdom, its importance and why I should seek it. I did not ask them any questions, nor did I present any problems or things that were on my mind. I don't want to say eerie, because it would take the attention away from the fact that I need to focus on wisdom. This happened two weeks ago.

So then 1)at work someone calls me a libertarian without me knowing what the heck that is 2) i keep having thoughts of the impossibility of freedom in our society and 3)I had discovered that my views are libertarian in philosophy class and we talked about free will. All in about 4 days did these three things happen. They are all connected and are related to each other. Again I find it interesting that it almost always comes in threes.

Randomness

I have the tendency to find the "meaning" behind everything. That evolves into finding the silver lining in every cloud. There's always something positive or good out of any situation. Either that or I have yet to be proven wrong.

Once I went through a very tough situation that really tested me. I am blessed to have been able go through it because it showed me just how much I could handle and withstand. With Jesus' grace, mercy and strength, of course.

I recently was going through some tough situations (this means, i'm having an internal battle, mind-fight aka stressing) and I told a once-thought best friend that I was in need of support. I told her that I felt so desperate that I was going to get a tattoo of "Jesus" on my hand, just to constantly remind myself that I'm NEVER going through anything alone. It hurt me to no end when she told me that I shouldn't get it and she's happy I didn't rush out to the tattoo place like I told her I felt like doing. I asked myself how could I be friends with her so long and NOT know she felt this way? that she wouldnt support me through my tough times? that she didn't support and actually dis-acknowledged my relationship with Jesus? It hurt. But Jesus got me through, and while I didn't run out and get a tattoo, I did write His name on my hand and faithfully darkened it in with a black pen after every hand wash for two days straight.

I was just about to fall asleep when I saw someone. I saw him, almost too clearly and it scared me so bad to think I would wake up and he wouldn't be here with me. Sad that I'm afraid to sleep and dream about my love. I've never cried harder in my life than the last day I would see him. I was so torn with my emotions and wondering if I should express them. I felt that I should hold back cuz the outcome was looking grim, but I thought maybe by me holding back, I was writing the actual ending to our story, that maybe thats all it took was for me to run after him. Is it too late? Am I overstepping my bounds? My kindred... Maybe me and him together would be like in Hancock.

I can't even tell you how many times I've been so close to tell him these things. I just don't want to be selfish and burden him with this if he's not at the place to work with me. At a point in time, we saw eye to eye! I don't know what he told himself to get over me, but I told myself he had died and that I'd never see him again. that was the only way i could concentrate on getting back to normal. to continuing without him. I am ashamed to say I live for the moments he emails me to see how I'm doing, I live off of his successes. Thats one of the many things he taught me. I know that's what he's doing when he emails me, he wants some of my positivity and good news.

I am blessed to have crossed paths with him. Even if our time together was fleeting.

I missed you!! Yeah, you!

AAAAHHHHHH!! What the fudge!@ It's been soooo long! I just finished my finals at the end of june, i just moved literally 2 days ago, and I'm training for a half-marathon (13 miles) I know it sounds like a lot of miles, but i'm excited and a closet running-lover, even if my body doesnt agree with me half the time.

Thank you, quarter-life, for that comment! I was thinking about how you were doing and thinking about how I miss reading your blog and wondering how you are and all the other blogs I miss reading.

The last few posts I was saying how much I knew I would be busy and overwhelmed with new job, school and eventually moving all in three months and how i couldnt wait until things start to calm down. I honestly can say that it was hectic but I am soooo proud of myself for all the hard work I put in and got out of it. I got 2 As. I am doing a wonderful job at my new... uh, job lol. And I have moved as of this wednesday. Actually Im at my old apartment packing up (and using the internet cuz i gots none at the new pad :( ...)

Well, im supposed to be packing but i got this bottle of yellow tail im tryna polish off cuz VA has that Open Bottle law, and im a law-abiding citizen with a clearance so Im not tryna get in trouble: I don't believe in wasting food, and throwing out wine is alcohol abuse... (I threw out the cork by mistake). Since I don't allow myself to drink one drop of alcohol while I was attending my semester of school, I decide to become an alkie-in-training in between semesters. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Work hard play harder. And yes, quarter-life, school was testing my limits. But I love a challenge, so I'll be taking 3 classes next semester with a projected GPA of 4.0. That's just how I roll. lol!

Its so interesting when I talk to other people about leisure time and what we do on weekends. While im doing school, i have 100% focus on school, cuz I know I can easily easily be distracted. I told that to my work-husband (long story... I may share later) he tells me I have no life [sigh] because I don't go out or I'm always doing homework. Like he knows me... or what I've done in my past!! Before my new job, I could have been a whore, a police officer, the fuggin president of Mgundabi!! but apparently it only takes 2 months and impersonal work-environment conversations to know my life story. psst, he has me figured out!! Everyone at my new job thinks im either an angel or a volcano waiting to explode lol I like that, cuz that means there's some kind of fear, respect, reverence, or caution when people talk to me. (probably not, they probably think i'll bust out in tears if they say something too harsh). I wish somebody would come out their mouth wrong to me... Oh, i take that back. My uncle told me not to say that because then I'm willing it to happen and whatever i say will be. Im getting off the subject.

But my mind and my will is all on school for the next few years.THAT'S the business!!!! I had 7 years to get all that partying out the way. And my future husband/children is a: maybe/maybe-not/maybe-never/Let-go-and-let-God. I would love to have that, and while it is not everything, I am content without it. I have a soul mate, and we email every few months. I try not to let it hurt me that i can't be happy with him, but I celebrate the fact that I can be happy without him. I would love to share that story one day, but I might end up crying bad and short-circuit my spiffy laptop with all the tears. So, this was all over the place. I missed you! I hope you missed me! I will be blogging more often... that is until school starts again in August ha ha! 3 classes, and one is math! so imma need to put in 150% focus!

Some thoughts

So whats the difference between our citizens of the past and now? more and more time is dedicated to entertainment and leisure. Before there was such a rampant amount of technology, innovation, novel ideas and inventions, we were all in the dark: literally and figuratively. You worked from sun up to sun down. You didn't do too much complaining about what you did or didnt have because you didn't know that your neighbor, cousin, brother, had it worse or better than you. Plus back then we were self-sufficient. We had wants and needs. We did what we needed to get what we wanted. (sidebar: when was debt invented? Probably when slavery was.)
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Now with technology, everything is laid out in our laps. Our world has grown smaller with each newscast of China, or blog of Iraq. We are more aware of our neighbors over the Atlantic then we were with our next-door neighbor.
Back then our economy was geared towards manufacturing and industrial, but now with technology, those jobs are of the past. We have computers that run machines. That gives us the luxury of working in the service and information dominated economy. The luxuries include more time to spend with family or just to do leisure things, because technology not only solved the question of who's going to do the back breaking laborious job, but also streamlined all other jobs. Face it, typing an email to someone has considerably cut down numbers at the Post Office.
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Most people argue, though, that technology hasn't in fact helped out as much as we thought it did. We are still busy, if not busier than say, 50 years ago. People were enthused with the possibility of computers taking over a lot of things, but no one factored in the maintenance of our society as a whole. Humans are still needed to make decisions, come up with innovative ideas, solve problems and be leaders and mentors to each other.

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Then what happens when scientist finally crack the code of human intelligence? When computers are finally programmed to think on their own. Do we really think that life will be even easier? There will still be our core issues. Our problems will evolve into other things and the process will start all over again.
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I wonder if our ancestors, or just maybe 100 year ago those people had a chance to live in our world. I think they would have a mixture of joy and horror. All the beneficial and productive things, but the demoralizing issues. I wonder if they would think that all the advances of the human race are not worth the effort because of all the new devastation that wasn't an issue back then.

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Is technology worth it in the end? Is technology focused on the wrong things? Instead of trying to be the first company to invent a computer that can do this or that, how about an idea to combat poverty, pollution, crime, sexism and racism. I realize inthe scientific world our focus is on military, medicinal etc issues. A large part of that focus falls into creature comforts as well. When will we decide that the priority is our children and our seniors, the disabled and uneducated. Instead of ensuring everyone in their house has a television equipped to handle the move from analog to digital cable, how about we ensure all children have 3 squares, a bed to sleep in, and the promise to be safe from abuse.

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Has technology dictated our values or have our values dictated technology?

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Resilience... kind of.

Noone should feel like a prisoner in their own life, but I'm happy that she has her outlet, her art and other creative things to help her hold on to her sanity of working in a loveless career. This is what I don't want to become.

Inspiration

Look at his eyes... they tell the story.

Who I attract... this is another long one...

This post covers two things: The kind of men I attract (with some detail to one in particular), and money issues with the men I attract... Apparently they relate to each other, sadly.

I was at the MSN page this morning and i saw a link to an irresistible article about "Are you dating a player?" Frankly, I'm not dating anyone, more like talking to/getting to know... but I figured I'd compare my notes with MSN's notes... I may have some signs that they missed...

Anyway, the first one: "He's bold. For the player, the pickup is a game. He doesn't approach women with the same nerves or awkwardness of a normal guy. He’ll walk up confidently, with a big smile and great eye contact. His manner will be smooth and put-together." blah blah blah It goes on to say that they're not nervous because they do it all the time. While I don't agree nor disagree, it had me thinking about how I act when men approach me.

This struck a cord and I realized that because of how shy, quiet and reserved I act when I meet a potential, I must look like a newbie to the game. That's like blood to a shark! Those "players" automatically assume I am naive and try their hardest to sink their claws in...

The last few potentials... yep, so-called players in my mind ESPECIALLY because each one of them asked for money for some reason or another all nonchalantly Like we've known each other for years. What have you done for me lately? What am i doing that makes you think I'm stupid enough to loan you money to buy a motorcycle (when u admitted u still owe your momma, at the age of 29 still getting loans from her), pay your cousin back, fly you in to see me, trade up your car, pay your child support, etc?

Of course I said no each time, and not all of those have been the specific excuses but you get my drift.

One of them, I just stopped talking to altogether! Especially since he told me that he pushed his Denali down a hill/cliff to collect insurance (he had the nerve to say it all regular-like, what did I expect, this was his second time doing it... silly me). I had to get off the phone with him cuz I literally started to get physically ill! Who in their right minds would do that?!

#1) A Denali? Shit, I woulda bought it off him. Ha ha! Apparently he didn't want to sell it... child support...

#2) I got a clearance. I aint tryna fug with nobody dealing with out of control debt problems and insurance fraud. I ran and never looked back! Just stopped all contact cold turkey.

That was in September, I think... Well yesterday I FINALLY got IM and because i don't know how to log on invisible yet... guess who decided to chat it up... The Denali killer. Eventually thru the convo he asked why I stopped talking to him and why I deleted him off myspace (I'm sooo notorious for that...)

I gave him the usual lie about myspace: ethics complaint at work blah blah blah, investigation involving myspace and coworkers blah. I know ppl can see thru it, but nobody calls me on it, so imma keep using it!! By the way, myspace is a joke.

But i told him the partial truth about why i stopped talking to him. I knew MONTHS in advance that he was gonna ask for money, only it was a matter of time, so I stopped caring what he said. I told my cousin about it like 6 months prior and then he did it. I shoulda played the lotto on it.

Anyways digression is a b!tch... i told him that i don't know how to say no after i say yes (yeah, i told him yes with no intentions of loaning him money because it went with my plan of having SOME reason for never talking to him other than me just being a b!tch). I also told him that I'm bad at communication and I suppress my opinions so that I don't offend people, but i dig a hole so deep, there's no crawling out when I disagree with them. He said he figured that it was about the money. Oh, and that it was childish of me... Yes "That was childish of you!" I laughed and typed, "I know".

I can't tell you how many countless things he's done that are childish and nowhere near manly! One involves him waiting to be courtmarshalled by the military for desertion... among other trifling-ass things he shared with me. He has an uncanny and undeserved sense of entitlement about him! I think i talked to him because of his stories and my morbid curiosity of if he could top himself! I guess he especially thought because he was so honest about everything, he was granted to do anything he wanted, regardless of if it's against normal people's morals and values... Geez, how do I attract these boys? WTF?

Digging deep

I just want to take a minute to reflect on my life. the romantic/relationship side...

I think my values and standards need a bit of evaluation and a time for analyzing my actions is in order. It's interesting that when you have a strategy for something and it doesn't work, you adapt and tweak your formula so that you have a better chance of being successful the next time around. Why don't I apply this to different areas in my life?

There is a constant and predictable response I give to people and myself when my singleness is up for discussion. "I am picky," I say. I always say I know what I need in a man. I have high standards and my dream guy needs to possess all the traits of my laundry list. Besides, I know what I like. I know a lot of women and men can agree with that statement.

But I find many flaws in that statement.

That is the same tired-ass line (excuse) that I have been using as a security blanket all these years. Frankly, I must admit: I am a commitment-phobe. Regardless of the reasons why, or what circiumstances have made me fear commitment, I just am. However I can easily conceal that issue by conveniently saying that I am picky. For some reason, it just seems more acceptable to say you haven't found that perfect person versus saying you have commitment issues. Who want's to admit to that?! I bet that's the most common problem among single people now-a-days.

Also, when I say I have high standards and I know what I want in a man, I am actually saying that I think I know who can handle me. Well, it's kind of dismissive to have a list of rights and wrongs to judge a person's relationship potential to. People are adaptive and learn from experience. I guess I feel like I'm not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm actually putting myself on a pedestal (not deserved or relationship/friendly spot). I would be offended if I was feeling a guy and he wasn't all that interested because I'm not everything he hoped for. We learn, grow, and compromise as we go forward in relationships. That's the excitement of being in a relationship. I think I'm looking for a ready-made husband I guess. And that's not fair because I'm not a ready-made wife.


Also, having high standards in the opposite sex implies that I have my shit together ha ha LOL! I am seeking perfection when I myself am perfectly flawed. I am not perfect and I know I'm not average. I am unique and eccentric. I am very random and scatterbrained, yet thoughtfully caring and a deep thinker. I am not that emotional when it comes to my life and personal affairs, but I am an emotional person. I expect people to confide in me and I want to be the rock and moral support for them, but it is hard for me to allow my friends to be my support. In my mind, I'm more goofy and silly than anything, but for some reason, that turns on the opposite sex when they are first-hand witnesses to it. I am a hard worker and sort of a people-pleaser (which I think is annoying...).

I am my worst critic and I am hard on myself when it comes to performance. I also have a strong sense of right and wrong (also annoying...). For the most part, I am good at ignoring my conscience. But when I meet people during those periods and my conscience gets too loud to ignore and it goes back into effect, I distance myself from the people I've been with, and everything they and I've been partaking in is WRONG! I hate being so flip-flopy, but it seems like if I don't ignore my conscience sometimes, I will live a very dull and boring life. The bad thing is I am nurturing the bad habit of being in short-term friendships/relationships. If I keep exercising the right to just dump people because of my temporary lapse of judgement, I will strengthen all the wrong emotions that are needed to cut people off and shut feelings down.

I know I have a lot of issues about myself. Some things that will be with me until old age and some things that I may change if it becomes out of hand. I am the first person to say that I need someone non-judmental, but aren't I judging by having this stupid list?

I'm scrubbing my list. It's just not working for me. It never has!

Q: Why use the same blueprint over and over again if the building keeps falling?
A: You don't.

Cows are the Devil!!!

Being lactose intolerant sucks. It's when your guts can't break down the sugar lactose that is found in all dairy products. Your body's intestines don't produce enough lactate to process lactose when ingested. I have been lactose intolerant since 2000 when I joined the military. Coincidence? I think NOT! A whole bunch of stuff happened to me once I joined the Army... but I digressed. Back to being LI...

The pain and having to avoid certain foods was rough on me when I was first diagnosed! I loved dairy products more than you know! I was just like any average American that put cheese on EVERYTHING and I loved my chocolate milk. I even made my own concoction of milk with vanilla and sugar when we ran out of chocolate syrup.

In the beginning, staying away from certain foods was more traumatizing than what the symptoms were. I became lactose intolerant literally overnight when I was in the Army. Even after the doctor told me to stay away from dairy, I couldn't and wouldn't give it up that easy! One night when me and my boyfriend were at some rinky-dink sleazy motel, we got into a fight and I rebelled, ran out of the room and ate a whole tub of Cool Whip on the steps leading to the second-floor rooms (I was so dramatical back then... he probably had the TV on espn and I was bored or something). I received lots of pleasure with every spoonful! I was soothed by my choice of comfort food and enjoyed listening to R. Kelly's Twelve Play on repeat that was coming from the room nearest me. I kept thinking maybe the lactose intolerance wouldn’t be that bad this time. Besides, cool whip is light!!

But 6 hours from that point, the pain from that ordeal like all my other episodes was a wake-up call. I would be seized with so much pain that I couldn't stand up straight let alone walk. And the pain in my stomach was usually so quick to come on! Once, I was crossing the street when I got an episode. I doubled over as a car was coming and my friend had to run into the street to help me up.

I became depressed when I realized that I couldn't eat oatmeal drowned in milk for breakfast, macaroni and cheeze for lunch and cereal and ice cream for dinner. I was devastated. No lie!! I literally broke out in tears once when my friend asked me if I wanted some of her scratch-made mashed potatoes made with milk, cheese and sour cream lol!! I was so pissed and sad that I ran to my dorm room, cried and skipped dinner that night. Over the years, I slowly adjusted, but it was a constant struggle. Every time I ordered burgers through drive-thru's and requested no cheese, 70% of the time, the order was fudged and I’d have cheese. I would get so depressed; I would rebel by not eating. My friends always felt so sorry, everyone would offer to go get something else for me or gave me their foods. (I was so dramatical back then...). Seriously, you don't realize just how much dairy is in foods. Try to go 2 days without eating dairy. Better yet, give it up for lent!

So, most people that are lactose intolerant just have diarrhea or flatulence or constipation. I WISHED those were my symptoms, but God has a sense of humor and knows my tolerance of pain is pretty high. My pain felt like all of a sudden someone took a hold of my guts and just started wringing them out. I would all of a sudden feel like my entire stomach was filled with air and it was fighting it's way out through my small and large intestines like Running of the Bulls. It would last minutes to hours and my mouth would water because of the pain and I felt nauseas as fcuk. Not cool!

To this day, I still am wary of dairy foods. I can eat yogurt and sharp cheeses are safe. My symptoms have gotten better over the years and my tolerance isn’t as wimpy as before. I don’t miss drinking milk and even if I smell it, I want to barf!! It smells rotten! EEEWWWW! Certain cheeses make me gag too. I know a lot of people are LI, but I wonder if anybody has it as bad as I once did and so suddenly.

It could happen.

I was watching the show True Life and a gay guy hit on a straight girl so he could look straight. I just thought about what went through her mind when MTV played this episode and she saw it. I figured I'd just run with it. Enjoy!!

I went out to the club with my girls one weekend. I was feeling really good about Friday night! It was a rough week and everything that could have came up or went wrong, yeah, you guessed it! It happened. My friends and I promised ourselves that we would de-stress and have a great time!

So to celebrate the night, I put on that outfit I bought a couple weekends ago with my lunch money for next month (guilty pleasure, but it was so cute!!) I'm smelling good! I spritzed on some of my favorite perfume "The One" by Dolce. Yummy if I may say so myself!! Got the mani and pedi on Monday, so check that off the list. Just got the Benz (okay, Acura, with the heart of a Benz) washed after work, so I'm good to go! We are ready to cut up!!

We get in the club, of course it's packed, the D.J. is spinning all my favorite songs and I am feeling good. The more I dance, the less I remember about the stress at work. What can make the night even better?? Someone that actually looks decent is trying to holler! Um, no ring on his finger, he's not too tipsy and he doesn't smell like weed! Let's see how the convo is...

I must be putting off some positive vibes cuz he seems to be straight for what it's worth. We exchange numbers after some strained conversation by the bar. Let's face it: nobody really can hear each other that well, but thank goodness for Blackberrys!

So, the rest of my weekend was relaxing! I just cleaned up a bit, took a well-deserved and past due bubble bath, and blogged a little bit. But for some reason, I felt like i was forgetting something. I was talking to my baby cousin about my friday night out; that 17 year old has to live through someone!

As I was giving her blow by blow detail about the catfight that erupted in the bathroom, I then realized what was in the back of my head: the mysterious potential-date I exchanged numbers with! I am not one to call a man first! Call me crazy if you want, but the way I figure, some guys just collect numbers for an ego boost. Plus he asked me for my number so if he's interested like he implied, he'll call. So I put it out of my mind.

About a couple months go by and I am sitting lazily on my couch watching MTV. I am a reality TV junkie by the way! Love it! I've seen almost every episode of the good ones and I'm saving Flavor of Love 15 for my desperate moments lol! I have standards! But not too many! I am actually kind of shocked that I missed an episode of Real Life, you know the reality show that chronicles a certain aspect of young Americans lives. A couple of my favorites are "I Have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" and "I'm Happy to be Fat". Random, I know, but enjoyable none the less.

This episode, "I Live A Double Life", it's good so far. That Anna Nicole Smith impersonator is uncanny! She does look and act like Anna Nicole. Well, I guess that isn't REALLY a big feat lol!! Oh, goodie! Commercial is on, and I have the munchies! Let me go get some ice cream! By the way I've got great news for all you Lactose Intolerant peoples like me. Breyer's makes Lactose-free ice cream! Yay! but it's only in Vanilla. Boo.

So back to the show. As I sit down to satisfy my reality fix I see a guy on the show that looks awfully familiar! He's in his living room with his best friend that happens to be a girl. I have no clue what his secret life is YET, but he sounds gay. Maybe he's secretly a gay porn star! But who is he and why does he look so familiar! he is cute... CUTE! Oh, and he has a beautiful smile! OMG! That smile! That's that dude from the club!!!

He's gay? And his double life is that he acts straight??!! OMG why the fcuk did he ask for my number? Ih, I guess to act like he's not gay around his friends. I cannot believe this! I feel like telling everyone just to embarass him, but he's already on TV... uuugh! I don't even wannna talk to my girl about this, cuz what type of girl gets hit on by the gay guy! Fcuking asshole! It's not even that serious!

THE END

Okay, but does she have a point?

Okay, I swear the next post will make sense and have a point lol!!

But i have a lot of shit on the brain. I think too much and too fast so I had to let that out.

I think I might blog about what control and structure mean to me. What do you think?

Bi-polar tendencies, and other rambling thoughts...

For the most part, i am happy. i get so happy at times, it scares me. I get scared because I don't have any reason to be soooo extremely content and then because Im scared cuz i know in an hour my mood can change to where I hate everyone and im pissed for some asinine reason. if you read my other posts, you can tell. I get sooo elated that i wish i could share it with everyone. i just want everyone to feel this way. and i doubt that anyone else feels like this.

the thing is i get in pissy bad moods every day. it's not like im up for a week then down for a week. i am up and down all day. for the most part im in the middle where i love everything and everyone and im smiling cuz the sun is out or because i saw a bird sitting in a tree singing. I'm sappy like that. I love it because being happy makes me happier.

i get over my usual downs quickly and forget them. they're so petty and never geared towards my self-worth. it's usually people that make me feel this way. the negativity never materializes unless im interacting with people.

Literally, sometimes i wouldn't even realize im in a bad mood until i start to talk to someone. so maybe thats not bipolar. maybe i just dont like people lol! But i love people, so that doesnt make any sense at all!!

But there's a time where i go down for a longer time. Well. i know for sure i have a chemical imbalance and i know its got to do with being a female. cuz whenever i feel like crying or i am sad or i hate my life, i just look at the calander and realize it's almost period time. sometimes I'll be like this for 2 weeks straight. The less things i have going on with my life, the more depressed i get when i am pmsing. but if im busy as fuck, then i dont have time to deal with my emotions. i just ignore it somehow and I only cry once and im over it.

I know other people have much more traumatic, troubling and intense feelings than I get, but i am so sensitive everything that i don't know what i would do if I actually was in my worst depressed state for longer than a couple of days.

So i was depressed as fuck exactly one week ago. Over the span of 2 weeks, I slowly slid into this really bad state where it culminated last saturday. i couldnt get out of bed. i didnt want to answer the phone, but i didnt want to scare my sister so i talked to her. rather listened cuz whenever i talked to her, my voice started to quiver which made me want to cry even more. I was ready to quit my job. I didn't want eat. i got up twice just to use the bathroom. I had a bottle of rum by the bed just in case the distracting and numbing effects of the tv didn't work. I was hoping a satellite would fall out of the sky and land on my corner of my apartment building.

But i feel my euphoria coming back. i usually have a way of mentally tricking myself into getting back into my normal happy self, but it was hard this time. real hard. I thank God i am getting back. I feel bad that i felt this way and i let myself dwell on david while i was in this state. but it's like a sponge, this depression. nothing is logical. you know it too. you realize it,but that doesnt take away the worthlessness or unfulfillment that you are experiencing. I keep telling myself not to feel too bad. I feel bad because i think i can control it. i should be able to because this is not me! but i shouldnt feel bad because it really isnt something i can control. even typing that last sentence feels like a lie. I'm in denial. I can control my depression. Sure!

like i said, i was ready to quit my job and go somewhere and start school full time. i got a good job now and i only have like 9 hours credit, so its not like that thought was planned out too good. I blew some money and i did some irrational shit. my impulses were catered to and i fed any and all immediate gratifications that i craved. If i could have gotten out of bed on saturday, i would have bought a ticket to somewhere warm and would have run away. as much traveling i do... see, whenever i get in a sad state on the weekends, i hop in my car and drive somewhere. anywhere. or get on a plane to go see family. Im always on the go. cant sit. i just want to go. now.

Destined for the unimaginable

I am destined for great things. Things that are far out of grasp of a lot of people. Not just from the possibility of others reaching it, but also from peoples understanding. I don't know what it is. I feel it at times and I try to run away from it by acting normal and like everyone else. And everytime I do that, it backfires in my face. I am not like everyone else.

What am I afraid of? My potential.

Does this make sense?

I'm afraid

If you knew me and i told this to you, you would either probably shit your pants and wonder when the aliens where coming. Or you would be like: I know girl! now how does it feel to get that off your chest!?

Im afraid of alot of things and they motivate me to do some crazy things. I don't like to be motivated off of being afraid. Because I get irrational and impulsive. And acting off my impulses is an addicting stress relief to me as well. Not good at all. Cuz that involves dancing, caffeine, and alcohol, and shopping for things I don't need. Now I don't shop in an excessive amount, but just getting those $70 pair of shoes that I'll probably wear every other day for 2 years straight will eat away at my conscience. Don't ask me why, but stay tuned, cuz that will be another post. Yeah, it doesn't make sense, but i rarely do.

So now, the girl that acts like she has it all together which is tiring is fcuk is going to list her fears. (I'm partially blogging this because I think talking to a shrink might mess up my clearance lol, and im to ashamed to ask security).
**Please refrain from laughing, they're all real and yes, moths are scary**

I am afraid to die alone.
I am afraid of committment.
I am afraid of being labeled as boring.
I am afraid of people recognizing my scatter brain.
I am afraid of moths.
I am afraid of being disfigured from burns. I'd rather drown to death.
I am afraid to let anyone get too close.
I am afraid of getting fired even though I'm a hard worker.
I am afraid to let people down.
I am afraid of my pet snake.
I am afraid of having children.
I am afraid of never having children.
I am afraid of mold.
I am afraid of worm holes in the dirt after the rain.
I am afraid to step on worms after the rain.
I am afraid that I will never find someone that will appreciate my uniqueness.
I am afraid of punching someone in the mouth the next time they say "You deserve a good man!"
I am afraid I will get arrested for beating a stranger's ass for staring at me at WalMart, the Mall etc.

Randomness... enjoy.

So, my cousin wrote me an email that her new Years resolution is to grow up? how? cuz it could mean alot of ways, but in any rate, it got me thinking about what it meant to me in 10th grade to grow up. I remember when i was in high school and ppl used to say to me, "Dont rush to grow up, young lady! Cherish the days you have as a teenager!" and so now im thinking back.... cherish for what?

im looking back the last few years and comparing it to my hi school life and i was right to rush growing up in some aspects, like taking care of myself and being in charge of my future. I was rushed into growing up when i was 10 when i had to take care of my baby brother, i was rushed into growing up when i had to pay the landlord the late rent cuz my mom was too embarassed to do it herself (she told me so). I was rushed to grow up when my mom asked me to piss in a cup for her job urinalysis cuz she was gonna fail it if she did it herself, I was rushed into growing up when my dad came home crying like a baby one labor day cuz he was drunk and passed out on "his" couch when we had company (middle of the day...) I think i will stop there because all the other ones are shit that I wasnt (who decides what is proper for a kid...) supposed to be exposed to at the ages that I was...


Even though i post stuff like this, believe it or not, im not a depressed, depressing person. I love to laugh and play around. Although I do get deep and serious at times, i do need to reflect on the good things as well. I'm just happy that i reached a point where I can think about this stuff and not be sad or upset anymore... for now at least.

rambling...

Today is a good day... Just because... even tho im in my office trying not to fall asleep... i was thinking about alot of stuff to write today but i forgot most of them... I will think of it later. i guess this is the truest form of a weblog, because most journals people write, nobody reads. and i think this here, i got the least exposure to outside eyes.

I haven't told any of my friends or family that i have this page so that when I write i can feel uninhibited, i almost told my cousin... well i told her about it, but i didnt tell her where it was. im sure she wont find it oin her own...

I am 24 but i still have the urge at times to rip out a page in a magazine of a picture that i like or inspires me. should i be worried? i hope not cuz i started making my own inspiration book... i've been getting subscriptions to a couple good magazines (Lucky and Domino) and they always seem to have alot of great atmospheres that they create for homes. I've started to rip those out too...

I'm thinking of maybe designing clothes (entirely on my free time) because I always seem to see stuff that I like... and think that I can improve on them. At times I have dreams of designs and stuff... i think that's kind of wierd, but I wish i could remember it so that i can make the clothing... I wish i could (4 of the worst words) have my own business where I just do creative stuff that I love. I paint rocks sometimes. They aren't the best paintings but they are neat and pretty... i wissh i could do that AND pay my bills with the money that would make... maybe bake goodies and design my own clothes... but could you imagine, could you IMAGINE walking in a store that sold art, clothes AND food!? a bit overboard if you ask me. Oh, and i would like to make pottery and paint china.

"I wish I could" are 4 of the worst words because really, there's nothing stopping me from it inthe first place.

Geez, i havent written in this in a while, i forgot i had this... probably cuz i have a myspace now and a journal so i just write in there... plus cuz noone ever leaves me comments so i really have no reason to believe that anybody is even looking at this page.... maybe if i add more... oh, when does the cycle end? so i guess i will be writing more. If u come upon this, please encourage me...

Someone said "She's pretty. She's skinny too!" What?! Then some other occasion he said "She would be so pretty if she lost a few pounds."Huh? This guy is saying what I'm thinking. Why am I getting mad at him? Because I have the decency to keep un-nice comments to myself.

Does that make me better? No. I hate myself when this happens. There are some times where I just want to point out an observation: "He got some BIG ears!!" But I know nothing good is going to come out of that statement. I'm just being mean, picking on someone. Not nice. I do know better. I accept everyone for what they are. There is good in everyone. Including me, even tho i have the tendency to be over-critical of superficial things that don't make people who they are. So who cares if you have big feet. What does it matter if you have tiny elf ears? Does that mold who you are?

This guy told me I am attractive. I told him I don't like to hear compliments. "Why?" Because, at this point in my life, I am getting way too much attention because of how I look. Why should I be treated differently because my countenance is more pleasing to your eye? What if i was horribly disfigured? Would I be treated so fairly? I just want things to be equal. Your looks don't last a lifetime. What I would give to have someone accept me for everything I have to offer. Mind, Body and soul. Sad thing is, I can't deny that I'm the same way . Not to blame it on society, but our society does glorify beauty. Everyday we are told thru media, our peers, things like that: It pays to look good. Even tho I try my best not to be overly attractive, I still need the acceptance of the opposite sex. It's a never-ending struggle. I guess the conflict is in my head. My ego against my conscience.