Saturday, January 19, 2008

Bi-polar tendencies, and other rambling thoughts...

For the most part, i am happy. i get so happy at times, it scares me. I get scared because I don't have any reason to be soooo extremely content and then because Im scared cuz i know in an hour my mood can change to where I hate everyone and im pissed for some asinine reason. if you read my other posts, you can tell. I get sooo elated that i wish i could share it with everyone. i just want everyone to feel this way. and i doubt that anyone else feels like this.

the thing is i get in pissy bad moods every day. it's not like im up for a week then down for a week. i am up and down all day. for the most part im in the middle where i love everything and everyone and im smiling cuz the sun is out or because i saw a bird sitting in a tree singing. I'm sappy like that. I love it because being happy makes me happier.

i get over my usual downs quickly and forget them. they're so petty and never geared towards my self-worth. it's usually people that make me feel this way. the negativity never materializes unless im interacting with people.

Literally, sometimes i wouldn't even realize im in a bad mood until i start to talk to someone. so maybe thats not bipolar. maybe i just dont like people lol! But i love people, so that doesnt make any sense at all!!

But there's a time where i go down for a longer time. Well. i know for sure i have a chemical imbalance and i know its got to do with being a female. cuz whenever i feel like crying or i am sad or i hate my life, i just look at the calander and realize it's almost period time. sometimes I'll be like this for 2 weeks straight. The less things i have going on with my life, the more depressed i get when i am pmsing. but if im busy as fuck, then i dont have time to deal with my emotions. i just ignore it somehow and I only cry once and im over it.

I know other people have much more traumatic, troubling and intense feelings than I get, but i am so sensitive everything that i don't know what i would do if I actually was in my worst depressed state for longer than a couple of days.

So i was depressed as fuck exactly one week ago. Over the span of 2 weeks, I slowly slid into this really bad state where it culminated last saturday. i couldnt get out of bed. i didnt want to answer the phone, but i didnt want to scare my sister so i talked to her. rather listened cuz whenever i talked to her, my voice started to quiver which made me want to cry even more. I was ready to quit my job. I didn't want eat. i got up twice just to use the bathroom. I had a bottle of rum by the bed just in case the distracting and numbing effects of the tv didn't work. I was hoping a satellite would fall out of the sky and land on my corner of my apartment building.

But i feel my euphoria coming back. i usually have a way of mentally tricking myself into getting back into my normal happy self, but it was hard this time. real hard. I thank God i am getting back. I feel bad that i felt this way and i let myself dwell on david while i was in this state. but it's like a sponge, this depression. nothing is logical. you know it too. you realize it,but that doesnt take away the worthlessness or unfulfillment that you are experiencing. I keep telling myself not to feel too bad. I feel bad because i think i can control it. i should be able to because this is not me! but i shouldnt feel bad because it really isnt something i can control. even typing that last sentence feels like a lie. I'm in denial. I can control my depression. Sure!

like i said, i was ready to quit my job and go somewhere and start school full time. i got a good job now and i only have like 9 hours credit, so its not like that thought was planned out too good. I blew some money and i did some irrational shit. my impulses were catered to and i fed any and all immediate gratifications that i craved. If i could have gotten out of bed on saturday, i would have bought a ticket to somewhere warm and would have run away. as much traveling i do... see, whenever i get in a sad state on the weekends, i hop in my car and drive somewhere. anywhere. or get on a plane to go see family. Im always on the go. cant sit. i just want to go. now.

No comments: