Thursday, January 17, 2008

I can't wait.

this is the last post for today.

I talked to him today, and he's gonna call me back this evening. I need this to purge.

I want to get this out of my system sooo badly. I am such a commitment phobe. I am, really. I know that I am afraid to put myself out there because i am scared someone is gonna stomp on my heart! I dont want to look like a fool. But everyone that loves is a fool. I already found that out. But its a good thing, when you find someone that you love and loves you. Oh GOD it's a beautiful thing. I know. So, because I've been in love and have loved, I am NOT afraid to do it again. Shit I am not really afraid of commitment necessarily but of commitment to the wrong person.

I am to sensitive and precious for just anybody to be able to get near.

And for some reason I feel that any commitment with him is wrong. I met him when we were both single and whoring. Excuse the language, but I met him after being with 3 boyfriends in the span of 4 years. I wanted to be single and I did just that. I met him by accident and i called him by mistake. We got together, the sex was good. He said things he shouldn't have told me cuz those seeds were planted and nearly 2 years i re-entered his life to see if he was serious about it. Was he? is he? I don't think it, but I am ready to get to the bottom of it tonight.

I am going to ask him about the baby he doesn't know is his. See how he's doing. You know, keep the conversation light at first. Because as much as I want answers, I just want him to be calm and in a good mood. People don't like to open up when they feel attacked. Then I am just going to speak from the heart. There's so much shit i wanna say, and I am sure if i cover it all, I will overwhelm him. I do that to a lot of people. I just keep shit in and then at last, the words just flow.

Good God, there's so much shit about him that I see wrong. I'm so hypercritical and picky. The scariest thing about that is he is one of the very few people that I am willing to overlook in order to be with. I would never tell him that because he would think he could do to me as he pleases, worse than now!

I am not sure how this is going to end, but any way is better than how I feel now. He will either distance himself further or get closer. I don't see him getting closer so i will go with the former. But that will be good if he does that because I am soooooo used to dealing with only me. And being single for the past 3 years makes it second nature. It's my comfort zone and I can use that brain power and heart space for other things and people. Plus DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN I HAVE TURNED DOWN because I had feelings for this man? I say I'm single, but men can see it in your eyes when ur heart is held hostage by someone.

Alicia Keys - As I Am, Tell You Something Lyrics: I can't wait. I can't wait. I won't wait. I don't wanna wait.

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