I feel like I am breaking out of this. Like the delirium of hearing someone laugh and cry. I feel a momentum of panic and relief. Panic panic panic, wait, reason, reason. Logic, wait, what exactly are you afraid of???! Nothing right? Move on loser. Let it go, shake it off. Drop the weight of your condition. Be free. And the moment came when the pain of remaining tightly closed in her shell was more painful than the pain of breaking out. Pressure.

soul mate

Go to church and every single female is waiting for God to send someone. Guess what "Singles Ministry"? I've been doing that for quite some time. I figured you could give me fresh perspective, but I feel as if I'm taking a step back hanging out with youguys. It shows me I definitely have to take the next step. There are a lot of good women in the church! Where are all the men?

Well, I have been waiting on that guy for years so God has blessed me with a keen sense of right and wrong, morals, values, love and empathy. I feel that I will take the step to use chemistry accumulated from someone else. Why should I refuse great advise from someone obviously a pro at the matchmaking process. I am getting aggressive on this area in my life. I will work it out.

Being Single Means...

Being single means I can watch Youtube till i get sleepy on the couch on a Friday night versus hanging out with you because...

I have unlimited days and nights to hang out... my time ain't bided with a loved one feeling neglected at home.

So dont try no slick shit with me tellin me u wanna hang out at 3.

Then turn ur phone off and no response from you till 6. Well, fine, I'll give you a second chance but dont play me, cuz im single bruh! I got nothing but time.

Plus I have learned how to entertain myself for days on end with no sight or sound of another living thing.

So u say you're coming, dont tell me it wont be till 9 cuz then u just drew the line! Im not on my caffeine kick and I know think u slick!

What I look like tryna stay up just to entertain u? U know i been up since 4:30 am and bed time is at 9.

Try again! And u better tighten up bruh cuz u gon lose this friend fakin around and tryna be cute. Don't make me call ur wife. Cuz i will. U deserve it.

Signs and symbols all over the place

Signs and symbols again. Talking about psychology. Mike talks about the child in India that was born iwht extra appendages. Eight, and her village thinks she is a goddess and prays to her. The family moves away to be near a hospital and the village is not happy. They don't want their new "goddess" to be away from them. Someone puts a curse on them and things start to go downhill for them. They move back but the town's people don't acknowledge them. They are ignored and noone comes o visit as they once did. Then they see a "witch" doctior. The doctor takes the curse off and their whole demeanor change. They carry themselves differently and that allows others to treat them differently. Now that they know there is no curse, the little girl goes and humbles herself befor the elders and everything is back to normal.

In the witch of Portobello, same thing with her. She acts as a withch allowing people to come and ask her but at the end of the day, it is revealed that she doesn't do anything to them. They just accept the fact that they are free to do what they please, She did not unlease thngs in people, she just allowed them to be in this state of mind and use intuition. It's like, we all are equipped owht the key that unlocks all the thingss tat hold us back. We just have to find out how to unlock it.

Many people use other means to get there. Many diffierent vessels. Witch doctors, drugs, religion, music, dance, crossword puzzles, painting. But honestly, I believe it is meditation. Quiet, or a chance to let your body and mind be quiet to let your heart and soul speak. It always speaks, just that so much stuff is happening around us that we drown out the messages.

Relationship issues.

women are hurt by the lies men give. Men lie in order to prevent hurting women. Women feel if men were truthful in the first place this would never happen. Men are indecisive to the last minute. It takes a lot for them to live with their decisions by being true to themselves and others. How does this cycle stop?

Each person in this relationship can only see their pain and struggle. When do we stop obsessing over our own problems to try and empathize and understand what our partners go through. It doesn't have to be a war.

Sign... focus on where you want to be.

Finding strength in adversity

A few years ago, the book The Secret came out and was a pop-culture rage. It wasn't a new idea, but it was packaged nicely and the concept did reach a new audience with the message that our life will follow our thoughts. What you expect is what you get, and what you expect is a matter of making a conscious decision. Dwell on negative thoughts and guess what you get? A negative life. Dwell on positive thoughts and receive an entirely different result — same person, same situation — but an entirely different destiny.

Wise words

Someone I know had divulged to me that she was not liking the vibe that someone was giving her. My uncle said great and listen to your gut. If you are getting a vibe, then listen to it.

I am having a reaction to some people. After a while of being their friends, I cant seem to want to be around them as much as usual. I feel bad about it, but theres nothing I can do about it. I realize now that its for my protection. Something within me is being alerted and is compelled to stay away from them and i guess my brain senses danger (whether perceived or real, I dont know) and wants nothing to do with them. I have to put thought into this because my mind plays tricks on me a lot. I have to figure out if this is logical and find the reality in this. It was wise for my uncle to say this, but at the same time, I can take things out of hand.

Signs, yet again

Don't worry about the moment if it is negative and unpleasent but not that serious.

Dont drag the last moment into the next. Release the feelings by not paying attention to them.

Cultivate present moment awareness. In order to be happy physically, we must be happy spiritually.

Yesterday, The author of Quirkology was talking about being aware. If you are in deep thought or concentration on something, you lose sight of other things. Its like selective surveying of our environment. We make assumptions of everything every day because it is not possible for our minds to relearn every little thing. You assume that for instance it is cold outside becasue someone out your window has a coat on. Instead of going outside to feel the cold and having to waste time surveying the tempurature, your brain makes assumptions based on observation. The problem lies when we make assumptions about things that are not important or we do it too often. Anyway, a study was done where ppl had to look at a tape on basketball players. they had to count how many times the ball was passed. While focusing on this, they totally missed the gorilla that stepped onto the court and beat his chest. Focus focus focus. When there was a competition or extra pressure, only 5% saw the gorilla, versus an average of 10%.

Yesterday night I was helping a friend about someone that has anxiety. I explained to her for about an hour how to deal with her, what its like in her head and how to help her if she so chooses. Basically a lot of the things I said I ended up watching on tv the next day. Not word for word, but Its apparent this guy had some mental problems and learned how not to worry or become depressed.

Today I am watching Mr Jose Villegas III and he is basically explaining the same things that i said to my friend. We think a lot and our attention/mind can only be focused on one thing. He says "present moment awareness" is what is important to focus on every day. Anyway, back to our mind and its capacity of focus. We can either focus on thoughts or the momoent, Our thoughts can be ruled by emotions and if we focus too much, then thats when my anxiety kicks in. Be focused on the moment. To me, thats usually when I stop whatever I am doing, take a deep breath, and look around me. Look at the thing on the wall, look at my hands and just observe things. It allows my mind to reset and stop thinking and spiral with bad thoughts fueled by emotions that may not even be founded.

He says once you start judging people you actually judging yourself because you are using yourself as a basis. I specifically said that to my friend b/c sometimes when I drive, i get hyper about when people cut me off or drive not to my liking. I realized i was doing that because I was creating anger and rage unnecessarily because I was holding every driver on the road to the standards that I created for myself. These standards are not set in stone, but they work for me. I dont realize there are more than way to do things so other driving styles work. Plus I am creating this insanely ruley and focused environment and unnecessarily and unfairly holding other people to thoose standards.

What is interesting to me is that I am sitting here worried about school and how I need this and how I need that degree, says who? Well im putting all this pressure on myself for no reason! If i am meant to be successful at what I like, degree or not, I will be successful. And how am I defining the word successful? I successfully was able to share my experiences of anxiety with a friend. I didn't need to go to school for that? Plus here is this man, who looks pretty much successful, he is on televison sharing his experiences of God and reaching out to countless people on knowledge on what he calls "Emotional prison". Who is to say he is not successful, degree or not. I bet I could probably find a similar career without finishing my degree. It's like what I was tellign my friend yesterday anyway, I was not satisfied with my other job and I decided to start school and that appeased my dissatisfaction. I figured I go to school and earn a degree towards psychology and that should give me some control. I am in an entirely different profession and it would be very difficult (how would I know??) to just jump into another profession. I basically put paint on a rusty car. I'm dropping out of my Childhood and Family Development class. Too much pressure.

I feel like I make decissions that sounded good at the time, but then when the luster wears off, i realized the real motive behind it and I've duped myself. Why?!

Another Symbol

Women and religion and spirituality. I was listening to NPR and they were talking about a lady who died recently, Mary Daly. She was a radical lesbian feminist. She generally didn't talk to men, she was a teacher at Boston College there were at first no women. When, in 1999, she attempted to have an all female roster, a male student sued the school. She claimed that he didn't meet all prerequisites. She further explained men in classrooms with women are very disruptive. Women act differently, being ridiculed by their responses and interactions and feel the need to dress up or look presentable for the opposite sex.

Anyway, two very important things I heard is that she fought with the Catholic church and believed that trinity originated from triple goddesses in ancient history. Also she fought about the fact that women are being robbed of things by the patriarcy. Stolen are our creativity, creative energies, and religion. Women are being excluded in this male-dominated world.

So as I am on Paulo Coelho's website, he is interviewed speaking on women's exclusions and God the mother.

Sign...

Sword fight.

I figuratively got peed on. Two guys marked me as their territory. One guy defends his pick-up technique by saying he TRIED hitting on me and look where it got him. one squirt from the wiggler.

Then the other guy (that has a girlfriend, just marked the 1 year anniversary) says, oh yeah guy, it takes a while to get on her good side. I've been working on getting with her long-term. Long long term. One more squirt.

I should feel flattered, however I dont. I just sat there with a grin on my face shaking my head "yes! whatever you say".

that conversation was meant for the first guy to know that the second guy is interested in me even if he does have a girl and that he does not allow the first guy to even think that getting with me is an option. Sigh, men.

Signs and symbols

How do you know when something is a sign? I received two separate things where teaching was something that was spoken about once, then I ran across it again in a book. Teach in order to learn about the lessons you don't know anything about.

Today: fear. Fear keeps you from your potential. Fear of failure and disappointment keeps many people from dong many things. Life is "regular" all planned out. Fear to break the mold and follow your heart can lead to an early grave. How do youexpect to acheive your dreams if you are afraid?

Two things kept me going towards fear. Steve Harvey has an article in Sister Sister. He talks about instilling the freedom of fear from man. The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho. In the book, a protector talks about the two traditions. One is the same thing done over and over, the other is the one that allows you to go into the realm of the unknowing.

I was driving in major fear last week when there was ice on the roads. I had major fear of driving in that lane all the way on the left. Look at all that slick ice, I said to myself. Fear talked to me and I did not let it dictate my path. I decided to just do what fear wanted me to avoid. I drove on the ice. It was rough, yet smooth. It was a little slippery, but my car didnt go into a major fishtail. I experienced something so new to me. Something so not like me and out of the normal realm of my reality. Driving on ice! What a feat! What a small act that takes 2 seconds, but what a life lesson I learned. I have gained a lot of experience and knowledge and wisdom from that day with the ice.

1. Fear can disallow you to go where you belong: your destiny.
2. Fear doesn't always make sense, is rash, and demands too much time.
3. You can make it past that threshhold and when you do, oh how sweet it is!

Go with Jesus

Grandma, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I am forever grateful for the knowledge you've instilled in me as well as the inspiration for a quest of wisdom.

I think sometimes about how many other cherished moments we have been robbed of since your abrupt departure.

There are so many unanswered questions I have for you. So many open-ended conversations we had.

There's that burning response you told me you'd give about my nose ring. You said you were going to tell me later.

I never push you for your responses because I know God tells you when it's right for you to let me know what I am ready to hear and receive.

I was very interested in what you were going to tell me.

Now I will never know.

Don't attack me because I dont want you!

When I was younger, a stranger observing me felt it in his heart to tell me i was a flirt, a tease and I would get unwanted attention based off of how I acted (even though I was shy and barely talked to anyone). I was hurt, disillusioned and disgusted with myself! I felt dirty and ashamed because I was portraying myself to be someone I wasn't. I didn't want sex from the opposite sex. Just attention, a boyfriend to go steady, or a good friend. I changed some things about me after that. i was obviously confused about the male population and how they see me. I don't judge that stranger. I don't even dare to claim understanding of that random-ass conversation. I'm just stating that it happened.

I was assaulted a few weeks back. The physical assault which boils down to unwanted touching wasn't even an issue, but I reported the whole thing under that pretense because it is more concrete evidence. I was spiritually assaulted and my character was attacked. No, i am not dramatic. I encountered a sociopath, pure evil that set his sights on me and sought me out. I was unscathed because I have my holy spirit guiding me.

Even when I encountered this evil man, I was acting in a manner FAR removed from my old self. I was professional, respectful, business-minded, courteous, inquisitive, positive and embracing. I still received unwanted attention. Maybe it was my looks. Maybe the way I walked or how my face is expressive.

The question is when is it going to be the man's fault for his actions?

Certain men will be disrespectful regardless of the way women act. If he has an agenda, he will do whatever he wants to get his way or his point across. It doesn't matter if she was attractive, flirting, minding her business, or whatever. Did that stranger think that if I got raped (God-forbid) that it was my fault because I was born into my sex? I have throughout the years attempted to mold and manipulate my behaviors to seem less attractive to the opposite sex so that I don't look like a tease or make guys come on to me.

I am not independent. I am self-sufficient.
I don't talk too much. I am expressive and enthusiastic.
I am not head-strong. I just don't take bad advice.
I am not prissy. I know what I want and it's not you.

All these things show that I am secure with myself and I have a healthy self-esteem.

When men want their women a little insecure its because the woman looks to others for strength. They are needy and have a tendency to always rely on others to assist them. This is something some insecure and weak-minded men need in their women because they haven't found healthy ways to maintain their ego or gain respect. They are lacking so they seek it out in the wrong way.

I don't date insecure men. I will not be there to stroke your ego. Yes, I need a strong man if that's the word you want to use.

Strong: having moral or intellectual power; not easily upset or nauseated.
What I want is a stalwart man.

Stalwart: unshakable dependability.

...of all...

of all the guys I've...

left
picked over
rejected
over-estimated
underestimated
prejudged
foolishly trusted
threw away
ignored
contemplated over
lusted for
pined over
disgustingly accepted
complacently rejected

...I've always wanted something to show. A trinket of some sort to show their existence. something to prove.

Of all the items I've collected...

a watch
a teddy bear
a wine bottle
a condom
a box of cigarettes
a charm necklace
a baby picture
a lei
a poem
a breakup note
a text
a picture mail
a valentine card
a pillow
a belt
a mug
a keychain
a mixtape
a cd
a dvd

... the one that meant the most is something that has no material value. something that cannot be weighed by the finest-tuned scale. Yet it has the most profound and lasting affect on my life. not even the most sacred memorabilia can trigger nostalgia or longing for. He somehow reached into my chest stretched out his fingers and left an imprint of his heart on my soul. It has been the most treasured gift of all for it has been reincarnated time after time long when the gold chain gets dull and the teddy bear is moth-ridden.

of all the things to spend and splurge on he gave me a priceless yet the most free gift of all...

love.

l

Part 1: I hated her because I was not her

"I keep thinking I will have an epiphany and then know exactly who I want to be" ... interesting secret from postsecret.com.


"who" they want to be versus "what"... Most people don't know what they want to be when it comes to society or career. Maybe thats what that person means, but by using the word "who" it sounds more like an identity.

All along I knew who I wanted to be... I remember as a child (and still now) being attracted to the people that had endearing qualities that I craved. I was drawn to them for their effortless popularity, generous nature and seemingly perfect lives.

Here's one of many of those people:

I had a friend from probably 2nd or 3rd grade up to 5th grade. Michelle Wilson. She was a light-skinned Jamaican girl with a thick accent. Big round apple head. Hair and clothes always neat and pressed. Quiet, smart, sleepy-eyed girl. When she laughed her eyes disappeared. Everyone respected and liked her. Not too many people teased or picked on her and if someone did, majority would stick up for her. She had 'money' cuz she could afford to bring her own lunches to school: she didn't qualify for free lunch like majority of my classmates including me. She had a dad that was a teacher in junior high who I would later become a pupil of and fall in love with in a father/daughter kind of way. He was very respectable and caring. He picked her up sometimes from school. I was like her guardian and I had taken to walking her to the public bus that she rode so nobody would mess with her. Not that anyone was scared of me, but there's power in numbers and being a lone one on the streets of Brooklyn makes you an easy target. I loved her smarts. She cried if she got anything less than an A or B. I wish I cared or even my family cared about my schooling like her and her dad did.

I don't know if wanted to be her friend because I felt I deserved everything she had. I wanted the respect she got because of who she was. Not that i would ride off her coattails, but thats what it looked like i guess. She shared lunch with me every day. She gave me half her juice box and shared her sandwich, or gave me half her snack that her dad packed her. People were jealous of our friendship. They would ridicule us and chastize me for 'stealing' her lunch. Why was I so greedy they asked? do i have to always eat her lunch? Little did they know that if I said no, I would insult her and hurt her feelings?!

the downfall of our friendship you ask? I got tired of her. I got annoyed and a lot of hate and disgust grew in my heart. I turned on her, told her I didnt want to be her friend and stopped hanging out with her. I made her cry. You're probably wondering what kind of person i am or what did she do to deserve that. This isn't an apologetic regretful story. This is my homage to Michelle and all the others that have had a profound affect on my life.

I cry now for the person I was and the way I treated her. I cry because I know now I felt I was living a life I didn't fit in or deserve. I knew my fate before I knew what fate was... before I knew I had a choice, my future was calling me, beckoning me and showing me the way to a certain world i would soon live in.

run

right now I'm feeling... sleepy a bit. Better sleepy than stressed. I gotta run tomorrow. i get to sleep in until 5:30 but i will be runnin a few miles... which will make me want to sleep again.

I made a commitment to myself. I will be attempting something that I know i can do with tons of determination and brain power. Yes I can... run 13.1 miles under 2 hours.

Lunch made me sleepy!

Time: 7:58pm
Eating: Fried egg sammich w/ veggie cheese (fake cheese) on potatoe bread
Drinking: Celestial Seasoning Tension Tamer tea
Background noise: The Office

I went to work today with EVERY intentions of working my little fanny off! the first of october means new beginnigns! Forget about what you did last month. now is the time to start anew. But then i remembered i had a 3-hour meeting (bleh) followed by lunch at a nice restaurant.

Well, after being bored to death then eating myself into a glycemic stupor I reached the point of no return where I couldn't concentrate on anything except keeping my eyelids open. Even in front of the boss...

Random musings...

today has been a day. one of those days. it wasnt like any other day since every day is unique and yet you feel like it was "one of those days", aw well, i made it through.

I met my match! i finally found someone thats like me! Generous to the utmost without a feeling like you owe them... i always wanted to meet somebody like that. but not to the point that we fight playfully about who's gonna get the tab! I am hard headed and she is worse... you ever met someone who is like you so much that you become friends instantly, then start disliking certain things about them only to realize they are the same things you do lol!?

One day I may write a book. I dunno what its going to be about, or when I will start writing it, but it will be good!

God will lift you up.

When things are great, don't get too comfortable cuz things will start to go bad. Sun cant always shine.

I had a great time a couple weekends ago that didnt involve the normal things im trying to avoid (degrading music, sorry people, and alcohol just to have a good time). Had a huge blast!! I was at a singles conference at the church i was attending. To be honest, the night b4 on friday, i was at a party in dc doing a friend a favor and keeping her company by attending. It had the dj, the bar, the horny men and the hating catty women. I was moving to the music cuz beats have a way to touch me just right even tho i dont always agree with the words... anywho, the atmosphere, liable to make u feel nervous or wary, was not inviting. Walk in and nobody says hi! you get sized up! sigh!! Im over that!

So what a delightful break at the singles conference. there was talk-talk-talking but at the end of the evening there was a "dance", dj, dinner, and dancing. It was L-O-V-E-L-Y, you hear me?! God had me in the palm of his had and let me see a glimpse of heaven. I had a blast dancing to my favs ( coko, dave hollister, mary mary, etc) mixed by a real christian dj... i mean it wasnt lame at all like i thought. i got home that night and layed my head on my pillow after a LONG week of working crazy hours and long Saturday of conferences and a long night of dancing and i literally was on cloud 9! My mind was white by the time i closed my eyes to go to sleep. Not just clear as i was on my way to sleep, but literally all I could see was white. (usually I see visions or colors or kaleidoscope-like visions)


It did my soul good to be around positive people that had no other motives on a Saturday night other than to have a good time, to laugh, enjoy each others company, spread God's love and entertain in a wholehearted manner. No pretenses.

I relished in my Ecstasy... It was so delicious that i forced my self to stay up enjoying, literally, a clear mind. Cant remember if ever i had one like this. and one thought strayed through my white clear mind: something is going to happen. Be prepared! My spirit was telling me that my mind was clear for a reason... just like the reset button on most ur electronics, i had a blank brain for what the next week brought on. Lemme tell u what! I made it with GOD!! I love the surprises God shows me! I feel like a kid with him and I appreciate him calming my mind so I can hear my spirit...

Note to self: Dear self,

I'm starting school with a different approach. my summer of loungin on the blu couch is over (so sad!!) (still got some sangria tho... havent found a good enuf reason to pop that top just yet)

my approach is to chill. just like my new philosophy. there is no philosophy. just do. feel, listen, absorb what earth, your spirit, and your environment is telling you and go. ease up on yourself. You have proven yourself TO yourself so just go ahead with that slow and steady pace the turtle used to win the race against the rabbit.

I've been the lazy bum, I've been the overacheiver and none of those hats fit me well. oh well, just be cool and dont stress urself out. Especially over other peoples drama!!