My grandmother died December 7, 2009.
My mother had a massive blood bleed in her brain, exactly 6 months later June 7, 2010.
My mother died on my 28th birthday June 25th, 2010.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Death comes knocking once... again....
Death is back. It's back along the edges of my eyes... It has found the familiar crevices in my eyelids and is ready to settle once again in the valleys that are bags. Does he know it makes me look like my mother?
Death doesn't haunt my dreams. No. I used to think that going to sleep was the fearful place to be, a chance to allow your imagination torture you with nightmares. But the subconscious working with death is a sick, twisted thing. I'm not surprised, since the beginning of Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel, there has been mortality to face. Death has been in business for quite some time. I can understand why he doesn't mess with child's play nightmares. He waits for that moment when your defenses are down. When you've actually had a good night's rest, and pleasant dreams. Just as you wake up and are about to survey the fairyland you once visited moments ago. Death strikes. Not always the same either. Sometimes it's a slow crawl over your entire body, the sinking in of reality. Other times, it's like a flashing neon-lit sign above your head. Those neon sign times is why the snooze button was invented.
Sometimes I wonder if people see it, the mask of death I am faced to wear for the time being. But then I remember just how cunning and professional Death really is. He is truly gifted in knowing how to expend just the right amount of energy to allow someone else to do all the work. Death is a skater, a slacker, letting you do all the worrying by formulating the mask to look familiar to the average person. You see, the mask looks like any other fatigue-related stress carried on faces of almost everyone. It looks just like gravity, old age, free-radicals, lack of exfoliation, maybe a touch of dehydration, loss or lack of sleep, excessive crying, eye strain, too much computer time. The trick is those things take years, or months to accumulate, compared to a sufficient mask that Death can formulate in a day. If you've got people that are used to seeing you or are very observant, they'll signal your mask by asking if you're tired. But they don't realize you're probably getting the best sleep in the world at this point.
This time around, I want to use it as an advantage, a signal to give my eyes rest. I AM tired. The thoughts rummaging around in my head are what my eyes are alluding to. I am looking at everything which seems to be a mess that has to be adapted to. But I am searching searching searching for somewhere to start to pick up the pieces. I don't have a manual that conveniently tells me to start at point A. Imagine someone sent you on a quest to go to a land fill and organize it. Don't worry about time, that's not an issue. Just do what you can, start where you feel comfortable, and make it look presentable, make some organization of it. So you go to the landfill and your eyes scan, scan, scan. Search search search... where do I possibly start? Just as you focus your gaze on a piece of something familiar, you move closer to realize that your gaze has betrayed you and the closer you get, the object is not what you thought it was. No, that old tire was in fact a plastic bag filled with trash. So, back to searching the horizon... It is a maddening cycle but until everything is cleared, your eyes will search and betray what your soul is going through.
Death doesn't haunt my dreams. No. I used to think that going to sleep was the fearful place to be, a chance to allow your imagination torture you with nightmares. But the subconscious working with death is a sick, twisted thing. I'm not surprised, since the beginning of Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel, there has been mortality to face. Death has been in business for quite some time. I can understand why he doesn't mess with child's play nightmares. He waits for that moment when your defenses are down. When you've actually had a good night's rest, and pleasant dreams. Just as you wake up and are about to survey the fairyland you once visited moments ago. Death strikes. Not always the same either. Sometimes it's a slow crawl over your entire body, the sinking in of reality. Other times, it's like a flashing neon-lit sign above your head. Those neon sign times is why the snooze button was invented.
Sometimes I wonder if people see it, the mask of death I am faced to wear for the time being. But then I remember just how cunning and professional Death really is. He is truly gifted in knowing how to expend just the right amount of energy to allow someone else to do all the work. Death is a skater, a slacker, letting you do all the worrying by formulating the mask to look familiar to the average person. You see, the mask looks like any other fatigue-related stress carried on faces of almost everyone. It looks just like gravity, old age, free-radicals, lack of exfoliation, maybe a touch of dehydration, loss or lack of sleep, excessive crying, eye strain, too much computer time. The trick is those things take years, or months to accumulate, compared to a sufficient mask that Death can formulate in a day. If you've got people that are used to seeing you or are very observant, they'll signal your mask by asking if you're tired. But they don't realize you're probably getting the best sleep in the world at this point.
This time around, I want to use it as an advantage, a signal to give my eyes rest. I AM tired. The thoughts rummaging around in my head are what my eyes are alluding to. I am looking at everything which seems to be a mess that has to be adapted to. But I am searching searching searching for somewhere to start to pick up the pieces. I don't have a manual that conveniently tells me to start at point A. Imagine someone sent you on a quest to go to a land fill and organize it. Don't worry about time, that's not an issue. Just do what you can, start where you feel comfortable, and make it look presentable, make some organization of it. So you go to the landfill and your eyes scan, scan, scan. Search search search... where do I possibly start? Just as you focus your gaze on a piece of something familiar, you move closer to realize that your gaze has betrayed you and the closer you get, the object is not what you thought it was. No, that old tire was in fact a plastic bag filled with trash. So, back to searching the horizon... It is a maddening cycle but until everything is cleared, your eyes will search and betray what your soul is going through.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
All you need is love
Giving is futile when you don't know your source.
For a while, I gave but was frustrated when I wasn't getting the results I was expecting. I need to know the source of my wanting to give and change the product. Why am I giving things when I want affection back? Why am I giving time when I want items back.
I watch with envy at that black lady that takes care of others from this bottomless pit of love and I cannot tap into mine. It is within me, i am on my journey to find its source. I don't know why she is black. Or a lady. She just is.
Is love the answer to everything?
Now, dont get me wrong, I don't want to become the woman that ends up with a house full of people, children pets and neglects herself! No, because I KNOW that is an unbalanced mix. You should not neglect yourself because the subtle message portrayed to others is wrong: Do for others before yourself. They learn the habit of the same thing, which breeds resentment because a lot of other people that are not well-meaning will take advantage.
Then, there's that white man with all the time in the world to focus almost all his attention on the task at hand. The ability to be one hundred percent engaged in his actions presently. He will let tomorrow or the next moment take care of itself and he is not worried one bit nor putting his efforts to be there in his mind. I don't know why he is white. Or a man. He just is.
Every moment we live is a ritual of love. I, we must take care of ourselves and if that means be present during laundry, then do the laundry 100% in love. Acts of love for myself. Those chores I do not like to do, including cleaning my car, stretching, laundry cooking, cleaning the bathroom, driving in traffic, these are acts of love, and gifts of life that I should be so grateful to be able to experience. I need to be humble and grateful because as cliche as it sounds, 'be thankful for what you have' is something you have to do, but cant if you lack in love for yourself.
Without enough love for yourself, you don't believe you deserve the things you have, or have been through. When that happens, even a small compliment you get from people, you are doubting the validity or truth of it because by allowing yourself to believe it means you deserve it and you are worthy. Love yourself.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud; it is not rude; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trust. It always hopes, and always perseveres.
For a while, I gave but was frustrated when I wasn't getting the results I was expecting. I need to know the source of my wanting to give and change the product. Why am I giving things when I want affection back? Why am I giving time when I want items back.
I watch with envy at that black lady that takes care of others from this bottomless pit of love and I cannot tap into mine. It is within me, i am on my journey to find its source. I don't know why she is black. Or a lady. She just is.
Is love the answer to everything?
Now, dont get me wrong, I don't want to become the woman that ends up with a house full of people, children pets and neglects herself! No, because I KNOW that is an unbalanced mix. You should not neglect yourself because the subtle message portrayed to others is wrong: Do for others before yourself. They learn the habit of the same thing, which breeds resentment because a lot of other people that are not well-meaning will take advantage.
Then, there's that white man with all the time in the world to focus almost all his attention on the task at hand. The ability to be one hundred percent engaged in his actions presently. He will let tomorrow or the next moment take care of itself and he is not worried one bit nor putting his efforts to be there in his mind. I don't know why he is white. Or a man. He just is.
Every moment we live is a ritual of love. I, we must take care of ourselves and if that means be present during laundry, then do the laundry 100% in love. Acts of love for myself. Those chores I do not like to do, including cleaning my car, stretching, laundry cooking, cleaning the bathroom, driving in traffic, these are acts of love, and gifts of life that I should be so grateful to be able to experience. I need to be humble and grateful because as cliche as it sounds, 'be thankful for what you have' is something you have to do, but cant if you lack in love for yourself.
Without enough love for yourself, you don't believe you deserve the things you have, or have been through. When that happens, even a small compliment you get from people, you are doubting the validity or truth of it because by allowing yourself to believe it means you deserve it and you are worthy. Love yourself.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud; it is not rude; it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trust. It always hopes, and always perseveres.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I think too much time is wasted on things that have little or no importance., or just are in place to keep us busy. Not that they have no importance, but not for such amount of energy. Like politics. In my average day, month, year, and for a lot of other people, politics isn't discussed but around time for voting. So manypeople use it and other things such as TV, video games, drug use, obsessions, and "hobbies" to occupy their brains and times. There's such an abundance of "things" that can make us be so preoccupied that we never make time for ourselves to sit down and have a natual reflection of ourselves.
Grandma, I miss you.
Grandma, I got to hug her in my dream. We had a meeting, but mainly it was me grandma grandpa and mommy and mommy wanted her to come back. Because she missed her terribly. So grandma was saying: see, the thing we were going to say is grandma was going to come back because a “man” really needed her and loved her and she really loved him. But she explained, it’s true. A man, not my husband, but Jesus, really does need me and love me, she laughed. And I need him and I love him. So it is a true statement, just not the man you’re thinking. This is why I need to stay in heaven.
How to be a Best Seller
As artists, entrepreneurs, businessmen and businesswomen in the “people” industry, we have to be solid yet transparent enough with our product that our customers see themselves in us. Like if we were to stand in front of a mirror facing our customer that was looking into the mirror. You don’t want to totally block their view of the product with yourself, but you want them to see themselves veiled and packaged in you.
Black: emotional protection, balance of emotional detatchment
I was going to see pups after church one day but decided to go check out a helt foods store. Well, they had flower essences and a lady working there was able to talk to me about it. I was in the process of reading the book The One-Day Detox Diet and it had those things in the back. Weird place for that, and I had no idea what it was. Considering I just came back from church, I was well aware of people around me and being mindful of negative things and people. I was watching out for it and knew where it was so I avoided it if I could. Sometimes curiosity will make me stay so here’s a situation I ran into that had me feeling very depleted of being around people and thus vulnerable for any other attacks.
The lady at the store looked at my cross, watched me, and kept touching my arm when we talked. But because of her willingness to put out extra information than I asked, I was aware that she was trying to get on my good side, or make friendly with me so I could warm up to her. I am learning to warm up to people without my emotions having to feel their emotions. But as soon as she came up to me, wanting to be extra nice, I was defensive. This is what made me pay attention to her more, without really caring how it went. And with her, I thought about how detached I was. She was talking and what I did was stop, take myself out of the “me and her” conversation and looked around the store mentally. I mentally checked out of the conversation on certain occasions, still listening to what she was saying. She was trying to get something out of me. She was doing this by giving me tons of useful education and insider tips on the flowers. Most people say that maybe she was doing her job, but she was “flirting” with me, per se… I told her about how I knew nothing about the essences and she explained to me some things. The fact is I don’t know any thing about that stuff. I feel that Jesus, my spirituality knows when something is off. I don’t know if those essences are used and in what capacity. I know God created flowers. But I can say the same thing about weed, and other medicines. People abuse things all the time. But at the same time, I drink flowers ALL DAY! So maybe I am abusing flowers, just not the ones that they sell in those bottles.
She checked out my chain: my gold Cross that grandma gave me, and I caught her on the side of my eye. I saw this because her gaze at it was very purposeful. She, like men trying to get a good glance at your chest or ass, waited until I turned my head away from her (which I did on purpose) then when I slowly turned my head back to her, her eyes immediately looked back up into my face. So who cares that you are checking out my necklace? Why be so secretive? She was looking everywhere else on my face and body while I talked to her when we first met. (kind of like what I do when I meet people). Anyway, her necklace was a black stone. Now it was pretty if it was just a normal necklace, but the important glare she made with my necklace made me feel that her necklace meant a lot more to her. It made me wonder: What kind of person would represent themselves with a black stone by their heart? And I am sure most people would say that it’s just a necklace, but we can say the same thing about random people, average people, But this lady is very sensitive to her surroundings, environment, and her affect on people. Here’s what I know about her: She knows she is influential and for her age (about 65, though she acted as if she was 22) and to be dabbling so much into things that are of psychic and empathic nature, she knows what feelings can be gleaned through the black stone. Even if I don’t, I know she does. She is manipulative and doesn’t care who knows because she was telling me that she uses things on her boss. She sprays certain essences in the air for him to feel and smell and to change his attitude. I won’t say she is evil or bad. I did not get that from her. That is the good thing. I did not feel like she was a bad energy, just a strong psychic energy that was penetrating and a little to curious.
So anyway, I explained to her that I didn’t see the difference of alchemy all that bad stuff and flower essence and she gave me (with a naughty look on her face) a book recommendation, which I did not want to read because it didn’t sound good. The thing is I explained to her my disdain for the bad ways and she decides to suggest a book about a girl that… not always did good. That was the first thing she did, try to give advice on what someone doesn’t want to hear. Something that goes against what they said they didn’t like. She was constantly touching me too, throughout the conversation. At the end, I left and went to see the puppies and I was so put off by it that I had to look at them and left. I was so in tune with the negative mother with her indifferent children and husband that I had to go. I went home, and I think I talked to Vanessa after that but I was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. Just tired and not right feeling.
The lady at the store looked at my cross, watched me, and kept touching my arm when we talked. But because of her willingness to put out extra information than I asked, I was aware that she was trying to get on my good side, or make friendly with me so I could warm up to her. I am learning to warm up to people without my emotions having to feel their emotions. But as soon as she came up to me, wanting to be extra nice, I was defensive. This is what made me pay attention to her more, without really caring how it went. And with her, I thought about how detached I was. She was talking and what I did was stop, take myself out of the “me and her” conversation and looked around the store mentally. I mentally checked out of the conversation on certain occasions, still listening to what she was saying. She was trying to get something out of me. She was doing this by giving me tons of useful education and insider tips on the flowers. Most people say that maybe she was doing her job, but she was “flirting” with me, per se… I told her about how I knew nothing about the essences and she explained to me some things. The fact is I don’t know any thing about that stuff. I feel that Jesus, my spirituality knows when something is off. I don’t know if those essences are used and in what capacity. I know God created flowers. But I can say the same thing about weed, and other medicines. People abuse things all the time. But at the same time, I drink flowers ALL DAY! So maybe I am abusing flowers, just not the ones that they sell in those bottles.
She checked out my chain: my gold Cross that grandma gave me, and I caught her on the side of my eye. I saw this because her gaze at it was very purposeful. She, like men trying to get a good glance at your chest or ass, waited until I turned my head away from her (which I did on purpose) then when I slowly turned my head back to her, her eyes immediately looked back up into my face. So who cares that you are checking out my necklace? Why be so secretive? She was looking everywhere else on my face and body while I talked to her when we first met. (kind of like what I do when I meet people). Anyway, her necklace was a black stone. Now it was pretty if it was just a normal necklace, but the important glare she made with my necklace made me feel that her necklace meant a lot more to her. It made me wonder: What kind of person would represent themselves with a black stone by their heart? And I am sure most people would say that it’s just a necklace, but we can say the same thing about random people, average people, But this lady is very sensitive to her surroundings, environment, and her affect on people. Here’s what I know about her: She knows she is influential and for her age (about 65, though she acted as if she was 22) and to be dabbling so much into things that are of psychic and empathic nature, she knows what feelings can be gleaned through the black stone. Even if I don’t, I know she does. She is manipulative and doesn’t care who knows because she was telling me that she uses things on her boss. She sprays certain essences in the air for him to feel and smell and to change his attitude. I won’t say she is evil or bad. I did not get that from her. That is the good thing. I did not feel like she was a bad energy, just a strong psychic energy that was penetrating and a little to curious.
So anyway, I explained to her that I didn’t see the difference of alchemy all that bad stuff and flower essence and she gave me (with a naughty look on her face) a book recommendation, which I did not want to read because it didn’t sound good. The thing is I explained to her my disdain for the bad ways and she decides to suggest a book about a girl that… not always did good. That was the first thing she did, try to give advice on what someone doesn’t want to hear. Something that goes against what they said they didn’t like. She was constantly touching me too, throughout the conversation. At the end, I left and went to see the puppies and I was so put off by it that I had to look at them and left. I was so in tune with the negative mother with her indifferent children and husband that I had to go. I went home, and I think I talked to Vanessa after that but I was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. Just tired and not right feeling.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Dear Anthony,
I look back at what we had. I grieve over how it ended and how I acted and not knowing how to change things, paralyzed with going forward and being ashamed that I didn't know if I wanted to. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if we were together.
But more so, the nightmares and dreams throughout the years of rejection and indifference from you are what resonate more clearly, vividly and frequently (clearly not from any way you acted towards me in real life). Those dreams are the key to healing myself. If I am so marred and by my own actions that even my dreams haunt and betray me, I can only imagine what affect it played on you.
I am truly sorry and I believe my sincere apology should have been relayed to you much, much sooner. Unfortunately my comfort for the pattern of not getting too close to people is a defense mechanism I unconsciously was addicted to.
I was distancing myself from the people that cared about me most, partly because I felt I didn't deserve it. The self-perceived nurturing I didn't think my parents, more so my mom, gave me had a huge affect on how I thought others should love me. My mentality was if she didn't show she cared by calling writing or maintaining some kind of correspondence and symbols of love, I somehow believed that it was something I did and in turn, was not lovable. I felt, especially with you, if people get to know the real me, then they would want to leave too.
It is only recently I have been able to admit it in writing, let alone out loud.. I know it is not true and am actively unweaving this and other untruths out of my psyche. Being with you, I was able to love my self more; you forced me to pay attention to my own body and soul.
Some tragic events recently took place that has made me face many things about myself. If I am not honest with others, I am not being honest with myself.
A lot has happened since we were. I know you were and are destined for great things, as I am. I pray for you, it seems sometimes, more than for my family. The prayer I pray is for the mending and healing for you of all the wrong that I did.
But more so, the nightmares and dreams throughout the years of rejection and indifference from you are what resonate more clearly, vividly and frequently (clearly not from any way you acted towards me in real life). Those dreams are the key to healing myself. If I am so marred and by my own actions that even my dreams haunt and betray me, I can only imagine what affect it played on you.
I am truly sorry and I believe my sincere apology should have been relayed to you much, much sooner. Unfortunately my comfort for the pattern of not getting too close to people is a defense mechanism I unconsciously was addicted to.
I was distancing myself from the people that cared about me most, partly because I felt I didn't deserve it. The self-perceived nurturing I didn't think my parents, more so my mom, gave me had a huge affect on how I thought others should love me. My mentality was if she didn't show she cared by calling writing or maintaining some kind of correspondence and symbols of love, I somehow believed that it was something I did and in turn, was not lovable. I felt, especially with you, if people get to know the real me, then they would want to leave too.
It is only recently I have been able to admit it in writing, let alone out loud.. I know it is not true and am actively unweaving this and other untruths out of my psyche. Being with you, I was able to love my self more; you forced me to pay attention to my own body and soul.
Some tragic events recently took place that has made me face many things about myself. If I am not honest with others, I am not being honest with myself.
A lot has happened since we were. I know you were and are destined for great things, as I am. I pray for you, it seems sometimes, more than for my family. The prayer I pray is for the mending and healing for you of all the wrong that I did.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Me, in a nutshell.
"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism
the overpowering necessity to create, create, create —
so that without the creating of music
or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning,
his very breath is cut off from him.
He must create, must pour out creation.
By some strange, unknown, inward urgency
he is not really alive unless he is creating."
Pearl Buck
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism
the overpowering necessity to create, create, create —
so that without the creating of music
or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning,
his very breath is cut off from him.
He must create, must pour out creation.
By some strange, unknown, inward urgency
he is not really alive unless he is creating."
Pearl Buck
Thursday, May 13, 2010
shadows
It's been a while since I've noticed that I've seen the shadows. THey are there. I just don't dwell on them nor am I scared nervous or preoccupied when I see them. My grandma, when she died, dissipated and I absorbed her energy...
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
Psalm 27:1
Sadness like the tide on a beach
I am close to crying. I read a book. I knew it was sad after I found out what it was but I am part of a book club. I feel compelled to assimilate.
I did not like the book because the story was sad and the inspiration behind the story was worse. It lingers. it seeps into my cup of sadness I've been holding on to and now my cup runneth over.
It's been a rough week and I am already sad because of all the friends I will miss when I leave my company. I put my two weeks notice in. It was very difficult. i have been wanting to leave for a year but I could not make myself go anywhere else because of all the wonderfully real and flawed people I met and became my family. Two years went by. Now its time to go. Oh, my aching heart, why have you let them in?
God, tomorrow will be hard. Its my very last day working with T and my work husband. Then I have a week by myself and my work mom. Oh will we cry. I will tomorrow. I am right now. I love them. This is hard.
I did not like the book because the story was sad and the inspiration behind the story was worse. It lingers. it seeps into my cup of sadness I've been holding on to and now my cup runneth over.
It's been a rough week and I am already sad because of all the friends I will miss when I leave my company. I put my two weeks notice in. It was very difficult. i have been wanting to leave for a year but I could not make myself go anywhere else because of all the wonderfully real and flawed people I met and became my family. Two years went by. Now its time to go. Oh, my aching heart, why have you let them in?
God, tomorrow will be hard. Its my very last day working with T and my work husband. Then I have a week by myself and my work mom. Oh will we cry. I will tomorrow. I am right now. I love them. This is hard.
drive for 45 minutes to work with no radio.
Bad things happen. It just does. I have been experiencing great joy as well as sorrow and despair all in a day. God, bless me with the heart and strength to survive it all.
I drove to work today. The sky was slowly awakening, grey and barely illuminated. It was a blanket over the roads, the sky scrapers, the trees, the houses, the freeways and bypasses.
I was instantly transformed to my childhood several realities and ages in one space: where I was that very moment. Nature all around, me in my head, dawn awakening, cloudy morning, moving forward in a vehicle... all of a sudden those constants were the string that held my memories and emotions together all these years. I recall such a joy I had to just be. Be in the moment as a kid looking out the bus window watching everything go by so quickly. Everything before my eyes just whizzed by into a big blur. Wow, how much indescribable joy to be able to watch the powerlines race the train you were riding.
Looking back, i remember going places with the family but actually remember the act of going places. I would look out the window and watch the sun with utter delight race me home in the car. I would press my face against the window trying to feel its warmth as the sun was slowly setting. I would look out for hours, a little sad when trees would separate the two of us. But relieved when there would be a break and the sun was shining full force.
It was so simple then, and I can get it back now. It was so simple and pure and beautiful and loving and natural it makes me want to cry. It was a world I shared with noone. Just me and the sun, my best friend, my love.
I drove to work today. The sky was slowly awakening, grey and barely illuminated. It was a blanket over the roads, the sky scrapers, the trees, the houses, the freeways and bypasses.
I was instantly transformed to my childhood several realities and ages in one space: where I was that very moment. Nature all around, me in my head, dawn awakening, cloudy morning, moving forward in a vehicle... all of a sudden those constants were the string that held my memories and emotions together all these years. I recall such a joy I had to just be. Be in the moment as a kid looking out the bus window watching everything go by so quickly. Everything before my eyes just whizzed by into a big blur. Wow, how much indescribable joy to be able to watch the powerlines race the train you were riding.
Looking back, i remember going places with the family but actually remember the act of going places. I would look out the window and watch the sun with utter delight race me home in the car. I would press my face against the window trying to feel its warmth as the sun was slowly setting. I would look out for hours, a little sad when trees would separate the two of us. But relieved when there would be a break and the sun was shining full force.
It was so simple then, and I can get it back now. It was so simple and pure and beautiful and loving and natural it makes me want to cry. It was a world I shared with noone. Just me and the sun, my best friend, my love.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
When you have problems, SWOT IT!!
SWOT
Strengths
Weaknesses
Opportunities
Threats
Need to be completed... TBC...
Strengths
Weaknesses
Opportunities
Threats
Need to be completed... TBC...
Master Contact without contamination
What it means to me.
Contact without contaminiation.
When it comes to people I am fond of, there are times I know the gradual increase in friendship may take a nasty turn for the worse. I must know the boundaries and fortify them so that all parties in the friendship will remain unscathed. How do I interact with that person without anything going bad, because we people are a lot more influential than we care to be. Others are a lot more weak than they realize.... so for affairs of the heart, and because it is very easy for me to be sharing with my feelings and emotions, and not always appropriate. Here is a good guide for me to follow.
1.Do not express emotional connections I have
2. Avoid exciting, intimate, or arousing situations in the company of "attractive" others
3. Acknowledge my infatuation with certain temperments (opposites attract)
4. Dont be intimate with anyone who makes it clear they are available for emotional relationship
5. Do be sure to NOT ignore your impulses. Feel the feelings and try to understand why I feel I need to be in this persons presence. This is a good time for finding out where I need balance.
Contact without contaminiation.
When it comes to people I am fond of, there are times I know the gradual increase in friendship may take a nasty turn for the worse. I must know the boundaries and fortify them so that all parties in the friendship will remain unscathed. How do I interact with that person without anything going bad, because we people are a lot more influential than we care to be. Others are a lot more weak than they realize.... so for affairs of the heart, and because it is very easy for me to be sharing with my feelings and emotions, and not always appropriate. Here is a good guide for me to follow.
1.Do not express emotional connections I have
2. Avoid exciting, intimate, or arousing situations in the company of "attractive" others
3. Acknowledge my infatuation with certain temperments (opposites attract)
4. Dont be intimate with anyone who makes it clear they are available for emotional relationship
5. Do be sure to NOT ignore your impulses. Feel the feelings and try to understand why I feel I need to be in this persons presence. This is a good time for finding out where I need balance.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Celebrate Good Times Come On!!
i have great news! Life is good and things are falling in to place. The now is looking great! I have every right to be happy and celebrate my good fortune!
Too many times when good things have happened to me I was so prepared for a blow that would knock me off the top of the hill, I didnt ever look up to enjoy the view! Enjoy the fruit of my labor. Something I used to believe in is "Uh, oh, something is good, well, in no time, the bad will be right behind" well thats no way to enjoy and be appreciative.
It's just like enjoying compliments. I don't care if bad things will happen, thats how life is. But I don't have to allow the future to affect my current mood. Its like being in a bad mood on a Sunny day because its going to rain tomorrow. Make the most of it while you are living in the moment!!!
Dear God, I am so grateful for the things you have blessed me with. Please forgive me for not having faith in knowing that you have equipped me to handle the harmful things that will come my way. Please continue to help me realize that everything I need I already have. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Too many times when good things have happened to me I was so prepared for a blow that would knock me off the top of the hill, I didnt ever look up to enjoy the view! Enjoy the fruit of my labor. Something I used to believe in is "Uh, oh, something is good, well, in no time, the bad will be right behind" well thats no way to enjoy and be appreciative.
It's just like enjoying compliments. I don't care if bad things will happen, thats how life is. But I don't have to allow the future to affect my current mood. Its like being in a bad mood on a Sunny day because its going to rain tomorrow. Make the most of it while you are living in the moment!!!
Dear God, I am so grateful for the things you have blessed me with. Please forgive me for not having faith in knowing that you have equipped me to handle the harmful things that will come my way. Please continue to help me realize that everything I need I already have. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Wow. So I got some issues ukn the intimacy department. I'm too old to
keep going like this because I realize the right guy that comes along I
may not be ready for because I haven't gotten my ibyimacy and fear
issues worked out. I am dedicated to myself because I am of no help to
others if I cannot see past my own problems. I want to keep in contact
with him as a friend and I really like him but am realistic ont the
fact that I or he may not be ready for each other at the same time. I'm
not ready for a commitment but I want him. Not gonna work so I'm gonna
work on my issues.
Adult Attachment
I went to the counselor and he told me that i should get a pet, a puppy, or work with little children because I have a tendency to place my worth in the love of a relationship.
I wasn't pissed, but very dissatisfied with his response. I don't think getting a puppy would be the end all- be all for this. So i recently came across an article explaining about how to realize you are enmeshed in relationships: So I have been studying the fact that my emotional needs as a child were not met and therefore, I don't have secure attachment when it comes to intimate relationships.
So, I think I actually hit the range of enmeshed attachment and dismissive attachment. I will be researching more on the subject. It's time for healing. I don't need to have a relationship with my mother and father in order to be a loving successful person happily married. I will study hard on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and work my fanny off.
I will point out the flaws I am too well at fallign back on and figuring out what I should/have done before.
I wasn't pissed, but very dissatisfied with his response. I don't think getting a puppy would be the end all- be all for this. So i recently came across an article explaining about how to realize you are enmeshed in relationships: So I have been studying the fact that my emotional needs as a child were not met and therefore, I don't have secure attachment when it comes to intimate relationships.
So, I think I actually hit the range of enmeshed attachment and dismissive attachment. I will be researching more on the subject. It's time for healing. I don't need to have a relationship with my mother and father in order to be a loving successful person happily married. I will study hard on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship and work my fanny off.
I will point out the flaws I am too well at fallign back on and figuring out what I should/have done before.
Oxytocin
Theres a little girl that has uncoondituonal trust in everyone. She has love for everyone and no reason to fear people. Something is different in her brain when it comes to oxytocin..o
Love 101
I need to learn how to love unconditionally and fearlessly. that Innocent love like children and puppies.
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