adderal

ADD is a symptom of brilliance.

maybe there is something wrong with me. maybe i am weird. maybe im not like everyone else, but who is? maybe what makes me differnt is what makes me thee same.

i dont want to be there but i dont have the answers so what do i di besides follow others guidance? i dont have the answers right now. well i was told Jesus but thats not enough guidance. love. All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is LLOOOOVVVE. love is just a game.

im in a daze and i dont know what to do. i feel like there is something wrong and i am walking through a fog. mentally i cant comprehend life without her and its so deep within my being that i am thinking i am getting through it only to be shown that the road of recovery was actually a dead end. a dead end with bushes with thorns, concertina wire triple strand, a brick wall behind that and concrete barriers too.

the dream

one day i wished there would be a time where me and my mother could be loving and hug each other without feeling weird about it. i wish she would have let me go take her to get her hair done and get her some new shoes. i wish she would have found time for me to take her to a restaurant and chill and chat about stuff. i wanted her barriers down without her trying to force me out of her life. why wont you let me love you? i wish she would have just let me in.

on my way home

Where do we go from here? how do we carry on? i still cant get beyond the question....

First plane home i got to get on it.

i get it now

Sometimes u have to go crazy to figure out how to stay sane. sometimes you have to get drunk in order to figure out how to Stay sober. sometimes someone has to die in order for life to be appreciated. sometimes sleep needs to forgoed in order to appreciate the value of dreams. Sometimes reveling in birth makes one cherish old age. being rich doesnt take away my fears of becoming broke.

Dreams

i had a dream that my dad was chasing me

i had a dream about two skunks

i had a dream about a flood. it was coming to get us along with the mob of people

i had a dream that my close friend and her husband died and i was in charge of her children

i had a dream about me buying a bike

i had a dream that i was running (woke up very tired from that one)

i had a dream that i was conversating with a close friend. cant remember if i actually talked to her or not

i dreamt that my mom was still alive

i dreamt that my brother was bac at the age of four

i dreamt that my sister was following me

i dreamt that i had a new dad.

i dreamt that my dad ws chasing me yet again

i had a dream within my dream that my dad was at the apartment that he didnt want where my mom used to live which was also where my grandma lived. he didnt want to live there so i was taking refuge. i was sleep and dreamt that he said something. well, upon me waking up, he was standing over me talking and the only thing i could do was get the hell out of that place. get away! get away from me! dont you understand? I dont want you near me!

a poem

It may seem as if I am carefree and strong,
Going through life as if nothing is wrong.
But no one has ever seen the real me,
They only know what I let them believe.
Most often my smiles are real and sincere,
Other times they help to hide my secret fears.
I carefully created a clever mask of illusion,
I wear it now to hide my pain and confusion.
So never is a tear seen falling from my eye,
I have learned to hold it all silently inside.
Quite often I want to just let go and weep,
But the pain is very intense and too deep.
I yearn to belong, to be one of the crowds.
To be able to speak of my dreams out loud.
Wanting so very much to be accepted,
Yet fearing the possibility of being rejected.
I need special someone to discern the real me,
And not hold in contempt what they will see.
The weaknesses and flaws I try so hard to hide,
Are all part of the real me I keep hidden inside.

I'm asking for a lot. I am. I lost some very important people in my life recently. Granted, some of those relationships were tumultuous at times, but they were the fibers that were intertwined with my DNA. I would NOT be here but for them. I love my life, my lineage and what I was created to stand for. I don't pretend to know what my purpose is. I just know that I don't know right now.

I lost a lot in a little and I feel like noone but me is supposed to be filling in but I never knew what the answers were in the first place so how should I know. I went to others for wisdom,because I didn't think I possessed it. I guess I did and I do because when something ceases to exist, their energy is not gone forever. It is transfered. I dont want my mom to be dead. it hurts to face that reality. it is just so unbelievable that it hurts. i dont want to face it. i am facing it. it is true. nothing can bring her back. so sudden.

run run run. running running ran. away from facing it. ran into a physical brick wall. can't mentally run anymore so I decided to physically run. Run run running every day. Im about to run into a mental brick wall now because of the physical running. need to vent let it out. i am sad a lot of things have happened including my mothers death. i am not happy that i have to figure out how life is going to be without her. many times i just want to call her and talk. especially now that i have a new job that is very challlenging. what do i do when i want to talk to her? I talk to layla... no cant talk. she only re-spits out what i have told her the days before. not talking to hear anything. just talk to let things out. think them through. i want my mother back. i want my dad to be okay. i dont want my brother mad at me. i want us all to be functioning and rely on each other in a positive way. i want life to be fine. i want a man i want to live somewhere happily. i need to find out what i can do to find the happiness. i am happy now, but dont perceive myself to be happy when i am working towards being happy. some things are just necessary things that have t obe done in order to gt the goals and i need t learn to be happy in those times.

my office mate is on the phone talking talking talking and it bothers me. i just need an unclass to vent somethimes and its difficult to do... i will have to go from one computer to another all day if that what it takes...

chuck

round and round. i was writing. found quotes that matched. Found chuck Palahnuik... loved his quotes. felt he was in my brain. found out he wrote Fight Club. Was just talking about him with my sister... wow.

Change Gon' come

it was easy for me to use and apply the words my grandparents gave me versus my parent and aunt and uncle. we are removed one generation. it is possible that they were too strict, not lovable, or whatever, but throughout the years, the message could not be received. I was blessed with the ability of God to keep going. I think I am young. ans so are my aunt and uncle. they are young and it isnt too late to change. I will not think its too late to change as long as God has me. Now everyone is different and the change can be as radical or subtle as God wants it and it isnt my choice to judge everyone's journey of life. Move along. Nothing to see here!

Help me Please!

Romans 13:8-10 (New International Version)
Love, for the Day is Near
8Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet,"[a] and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 10Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.

Romans 12:17-19 (New International Version)

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[a]says the Lord.



Romans 12:21 (New Living Translation)
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.



Deuteronomy 32:35 (New Living Translation)

35 I will take revenge; I will pay them back.
In due time their feet will slip.
Their day of disaster will arrive,
and their destiny will overtake them.’



Mother's death
Numbers 11:14-15 (New International Version)
14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin."

Signs signs signs. I have relinquished power to God. And He hasn't failed to provide me with my needs and necessities. Impeccable timing.

My uncle once had a discussion with me a couple of weeks ago. We were speaking about faith. I told him that i have faith and he says we all do. But do you have enough to move a mountain? All you need is faith like a mustard seed. Well, I said I do because I believe it but I directly wouldn't test God by asking him to move mountains, I know he can do it. Uncle Jeff told me I would never have to move one with my faith... I wasn't content with that response. My faith should allow me unlimited access to move stars, mountains, whatever as long as I believe in it and it's what God wants, right?! So if God wants to move a mountain, who is my Uncle to tell me it will never happen? I understood what he was coming from, though. But he cant tell me what God can do in my life. Bottom line.

So last night, I had decided to wake up early on Friday to get to work extra early because I had to drop off my vehicle to get the oil changed later in the morning. The problem is I haven't been waking up until 6:45 -7:45 (late nights, and lots of tossing and turning keeps me in bed). But I set my alarm for 5:11 and I asked God last night (lol watch what you ask for) to give me a real good reason to get out of bed. I wasn't going to worry about how notorious I am about that primal urge in me to hit the snooze button! I am addicted to it, so I have a lot of fear of falling into my habit. But I told myself, why worry if you asked God to take care of it. So, lo and behold, I was woken up at 5:05 this morning to an earthquake. That definitely got my brain up. God answers your prayers. Even the little ones.

LOCO

I don't know. Eveyrone's going bonkers.

My aunt is kicking my cousin out the house. shes staying with me. my grandpa was in the hospital for a couple of days. high blood pressure. my dad didnt sign papers to donate my mom's body to science. Selfish. selfish, selfish. Bonkers bananas, loopy. strong. tea bags and stained glass windows.

trust your gut

Like i said, its my turn. got my answer... now i sense a quietness... its cool. its just me jumping to conclusions i do all too well. i need to have patience. put the phone away and go to the next stage. That guy i had talked to didnt even call me back. he told me to call him. Jermaine. But i didnt think that was appropriate if i was telling him that i liked him. I dont like him and based off the first impressions, i would not like to know him better. He was very pushy, guarded, suspicious. I am a stranger. My bank for trustworthiness should be zero at the least... not at -50. Thats where I felt it was because of his interrogation... give me YOUR number. Well I did. He said he wanted to call me. So then as I drove off, he said to me: Call me! Wha? miscommunication like a mother, but I feel that if he really is a good person, then he would call me. that's funny to read. The gist is im not interested.


Anyway my day will be great despite it all. DOnt know why I have such a hang up over him... God help me shake this shit.

men, can't live with 'em, can't figure them out.

i dont know. i think i just cant blame someone else for my actions, which is partially what i did. I mean i warned expressedly. the intentions of warning him were because I really thought this time it would be different. the thing is i wasn't the different factor either. I cant expect ppl to be different if I keep testing everyone with the same test. The blessing in this is the lesson I am learning is that we are all predictable. We all have the same human urges. And despite it all, i am putting people through tests that can never be won. unintentionally I am asking to specific of a question. that question may not even be fair to ask. I gotta look at it like how i want someone to treat me with a mix of respect for all races with a blend of how they want to.

i hatebeing all over hte place. i feel better that im talking to him. thats that.

U got issues

Come as you are. Time to write.

I just eamiled Dboy. No response. Why am I worried? Dunno. no good reason. Just dont like to be ignored. Here's the deal. Not everyone responds to all my texts. But I specifically said by name?! So? You are avoiding ppl. Guess what? Thats how the world turns. U know now how it feels not only cuz its something ur ding but there are fewer people that you can feel hurt by an ignored phone call. The thing is, A is a lot closer to you. You are very vulnerable towards her. And when she doesnt call you back, you aren't butt-hurt. You learned how not to put weight behind that for her specifically. Always there is a reasonable reason. Not wanting to talk to me hurts but that is my choice if I want to use that. Its not personal. People have super busy lives. And maybee not so busy. But its not my job to fill in the void with self-deprecating, malicious, self-defeating thoughts. That isnt my job. Just be who you are in the mean time. You know?! You know how it feels to shun ppl, and you know how it feels to be in your bubble. You know how it is. just be in the bubble. I want to know if someone can make it? Can they? Can they change? successfully? Can they. i can. Can we change what we've been through? can e adapt?

Hurt people hurt people

Love you forever.

Do people really mean that? Forever? Can we ever really fall out of love. I am visiting the graveyard of love otherwise known as my hotmail account. I have collected throbbing, innocent dripping still-warm hearts of the many men I have unwittingly infatuated. They had no idea... i just ripped their hearts out... on some occasions slowly, sometimes even relishing in the joy of watching it beat in my very own hands. It was calculated, manipulatory skills are very well respected! Wow, I must have been hurt! I must have really wanted to hurt. My game was the truth. I wasn't the victim besides the fact that I thought i was the victim. Wow. I am having some hindsight and I am happy I acted my conflicted love affairs on men. God, If i were a boy, I think a lot of women would be dead right now.

I have a bad memory. Don't really know why either. I think we all do. I wrote David back. I did because I reread the emails we sent each other. And as I picked through the carnage that were my intimate thoughts and desires, I realized I really liked him. I am not a liar and I pride myself in that fact so when I reread my words I know who to trust. And just the pure unadulterated honesty that I wrote to him, very candidly put myself out there... it's no wonder he still emails me every once in a while.

Hurt people hurt people

peace be still

its time to write.

I went to a meeting yesterday. Was a little confused if i was at the right place, but seriously as i sat down, i immediatly felt a part of the circle. Didn't share anything. Didn't judge besides seeing that many people look alike. Eyes, nose, mouth, two legs, to arms. Teeth and tongue.

I am struggling, I am grasping at anything that looks like a life preserver. I am extremely aware of the fact that life as I thought I knew it and as I preached and sold it is no longer real? Has my reality been shattered? I am terrified to think that my life will not be how i want it to be... am I really stuck in the same mal-adaptive ruts and routines? It was comforting to be around people that share your pain. The people feel what you feel and aren't afraid to admit that. But is there more to the circle? I feel bit of encouragement from them because they are successful, normal looking people. So what? I thought I already came to the conclusion that nobody is normal and that anybody can be successful by other's standards. I thought I already scratched monetary successfulness off my list of accomplishments. Why am I retreating back to that? Disguised as wanting to belong, the manipulative mind works wonders again.

I want to be emotionally healthy. thats what i want. thats what scares me to see the people and feel that nothing will change. I may be vulnerable at this point. I need good news. I need to see that someone made it? Back to that again, huh? Well guess what. Hard work and diligence and you will make it. Not only that but u will be the first, girl. You are an amazing unshakable force with God behind you. You have no idea of what wonders, challenges and trials are in store, but know that you can overcome ANYTHING with God because you have all the tools in you. Cultivate them. Listen to yourself. Stop resisting yourself. The answers are in the laundry. The answers are in the chores. Your secrets and your future is in your tasks. They will be revealed when you love yourself enough to take care of the mundane things. Those small things are the rituals that you are lacking in your life. Stop engaging in mindless time-wasting with the TV. You got your money's worth, watching every second of it is not going to make the bill go down. Love what you have and find the joy in what you've done before. Relive it. Take pride in your possessions. Take pride in your den. Your home is your sanctuary. The only way for your sanctuary in your mind to be free of clutter is if you free your physical sanctuary of clutter. Work on keeping everything constantly clutter-free. You CAN do it. Don't speed. You are not running from anything. You have nothing to fear or hide. Be content in the moment. Because this moment could be gone in a heartbeat. Stay still. Be. Love. Love out. Love in. Love. Get over yourself.