*I took a semester off of work just so I could take afternoon naps.* (I am not ashamed. I feel less stressed if I spend my days in an alternate universe/state of mind. I think an altered state of mind caused by sleep is better than an altered state of stupor from drugs. Sleep is MY drug!)
-I date men who can't commit because I can't commit. but I don't feel bad now when I make them fall in love with me. Well, I feel for it to be fair, I just have to make sure I don't blame them for releasing the hold I have on them any way they possibly can. Now this doesn't excuse the behavior of any treatment I feel is disrespectful from any man. He will be told if he steps out of line. Usually its something of his doing because he doesnt know how to formulate those feelings and emotions into words. I just take advantage of that.
But i admit this because I am afraid of myself sometimes. I must keep busy in order to not slip back into the person that makes me not like myself. I said no sex and vowed to it because I know how I can get when it comes to me satisfying the carnal side of me while disregarding the part that deals with the relationship part of a man. I have been SOOO good with that decision of not having sex... until i met this guy. Then we went back and forth with liking each other then taking a break from each other to cool things off. I followed his lead, but that wasnt enough for him to realize I was a heartbreaker. I guess he was used to being the one in charge of his emotions that he didn't realize he met his match with me. (hey, I warned him that I'll make him fall in love with me! "All fair in love and war")
I have decided that somethings gotta give. I dont want to be in a relation ship but I want sex sometimes. It reminds me of something a friend said to me when I told her I had Sangria and an ice cream sandwich for dinner. She told me that I was an alcoholic cuz I drank alone. Preposterous! Absurd! Ridiculous! Just because I'm single and I don't always hang out with people every waking moment, im going to deny myself alcohol? I feel the same when it comes to sex (sometimes). Just cuz Im single, i cant have sex? I believe in self love, but just as drinking by yourself, theres something about drinking with other people, the comraderie, the bonding, the sharing and connecting that comes from experiencing that with someone makes it exxxtra special! So it is with sex!
So what does that mean? I must keep in mind what I've been through before when i had the intentions to "just get mine" and how long it took for me to get over the embarrassment of that lifestyle choice when i told those guys that i was thru and they wouldnt get the hint that i was done. There is no true anonymity like I wish. But then again... I still have those contacts of the guys that knew me those many moons ago. Will they see me as hypocrites then? I just KNEW i was a different person! lol! I just knew it wasn't me anymore. It's not how i wanted to be associated. men dont care. once a freak, always a freak. how naive of me to ever doubt them. Women are no better than men because they may be a bit better at supressing their physical needs. they are who they are and they aren't ashamed. me? im just in denial. I dont want a double life. i dont want to be more personalities but i dont know anything other than being virtuous and true and clean and pure and then the other thing. I know the other can be held above my head. the test is to resist it. but the question is what is my reward for resist? or am i a fool and it really is a matter of time before I regress? relapse?