doing it right 1

I been making booboos. so no more lectures... no more asking other men before him... especially dont tell him if i did but just dont do it... dont get him better gifts than he gets me. if he asks about the kinect then it was for vanessa and i wanted someone to get the points... plus i figure he could use them. so far those have been my transgressions as of recent... more to follow

What does it say about me that i keep exuating yoga to sex? i guess i feel free during sex and thats when i have the most concentratiion on me 100%. anyway i fovused on the pain and WATCHED IT like they said and i hbave the choice to either resist it or let it release. i let it released and encouraged myself to move past to get to where i needed to be. soon ii was passing the pain. i get caught up sometimes and though it doesnt take away from the feeling it just doesznt allow me to enjoy the feeling nor make it buil aapon itself. most impoortantly... keep moving. keep digging deep. was i digging? i felt the joy from succeeding... i allowed myself to feel that the next process was to encourage myself. u alreadty know how the pain feels, but wait it gets better. u already now how the pressure feels. u understand the focus needs to be there. dont be a rusher. focus your mind 100 percent. not 85.

beautiful

at first i thought this could be a massage but i dont deserve a massage so i could do her the favor of focusing on where she was touching. pain is not for you to pop a pill. it is meant for your attention to be focused. so i focused on every part she touched. not to be mindful to relaxm bt cuz thats what she said in class.

where your mind goes, your energy follows. help me help you.

focus on my heels, back of ankles: when i feel the pain, it releases joy and elation. my emotions want to feel elation and happiness. releif. i equate to excitement, i want to cry. like i am being played with in a sensual way.

when my feet the soles are pushed down, it feels like more relief of emotions. letting go the feelings, feel the feet. focused. the brain is more engaged with the body. not as much crying but like hugs of relief. whenn she was stepping on my feet, i felt i saw her into me. i saw herprobing me telling me to relax. focus. focus. focus. let it go. and i felt chills because of the power it meant the symbol of the power of her soles on mysoles. stomach - soles - soles - stomach. she is not absorbing. she is relaying to me and teaching me the steps. exhale and let go. i felt humbled.

when i focus on my chest. at first i was breathing real deep... my breaths were labored, exaggerated... in, chest rise, out, chest fall. but she said focus on my chest!! so i focused on my chest and i realized finally that... well i didnt realize, once i stopped thinking to focus on my chest and my midn focused on my chest. my shoulders felt the tension ad sthrted to release. once i saw that my body knew what to do, my mind started helping it. i focused on breathing.

then she said feel your ribcages. i was still chest breathing... only chest, not shoulders or neck or head and it took a while, but finally i was in my ribcage. i as in my mind was my ribcage. my body told my mind that my head is not my ribcage and started relaxing. soon only my ribcage was engaged.i wsas excited. my emotions are so hyped that thats where i start focusing on. she said accept 100% thats only when you can move.

when she was done. i felt i was about to lift up to the sky but she put her hands on my chest and stomach. so i focused on bher hands cuz my body was no longer there. i was in my mind. my mind realized my body was stiff. the world was so calm and still. i felt warmth through my core. and it felt good. i could equate it to sex. like when you are not about to come, but when your mind is focused on your female parts down there and nothing else in the world matters. there is no world. there is no thinking there is just stillness. there isthis peace that is a focused peace. theres one thing when peace is perceived to come to you you but when your mind creates peace and tranquility. i have never experienced that and soon i was experiencing joy from it and i started panicing. cuz i was telling myself not to feel my emotions. they were getting in the way of my mind and body. but as soon as i tried to choke the emotions, i started panicking. i couldnt breath and i wanted to jump up. i went back to focus on the peace and it was still there THANKFULLY! Aand i tried to focus on that because peace is the opposite of panic. i told myself stop thinking and started focusing on her hands once again which brought me back to the calm tranquil stillness that my mind was at. i dont know if i was panicking because i have never been so focused on nothing in my life! i would equate it to feeling horny... like your mind is focused on your body when you are getting aroused. you cant ignore your body and so you start to foucs on that.

i dont know if that is a good explanation but thats what i experienced.

use or lose

Move move move.

Gotta get up. gottttaa get GOING... Much better than ups and downs of caffeine. no down. regular tiredness... lots of yawning but mind, not body, wants to actively engage in things. to be productive. at night, no problems sleeping. tired but still ok to do chores that ought to be done.

Use or lose.

they say make lemonade when life gives you lemons.
what happens when you hate lemonade, lemon tart, lemon pie, lemon meringue , lemon candy, lemon jello, lemon juice?

What happens when all the advice you get is so past where you are you feel pathetic for rejecting the good advice your friends are trying to tell you? why?

im not there yet. it will be a very long time for me to get to the fact that i am going to miss my mom, my sister's family, my dad, my grandma, my relationship with mmy grandpa, and the stability that comes with a solid structure of a family regardless of how dysfunctional it is.

God I pray you shake me out of this i am stuck in. this is not me nor do I want to spend another second like this. it is sickeningly comfortable and yet itchy like a snake ready to shed. I have overgrown it and am ready to get to life as the blank slate it is. all I have is my past and the thoughts of the present and my dreams of the future. Please guide me in the right direction. I dont know it all. I dont want to make things worse because life is already tumultuous. One more rock and the boat will flip. Tomorrow whend I wake, dear Lord, guide me in the right path to take care of me. Please allow me to open my heart to let in more people that are willing and able to take care of me like I take care of my friends. I need a mentor, a mother, a grandmother and cannot imagine life without someone there to be proud of my endeavors and achievements like they were. God I thank you for my grandfather. I love him and am blessed to have him in my life. Amen.

it is within the depths of my soul i carry...
...insurmountable sadness that cannot be overcome...
...sorrow with no depth that can be measured...
...guilt and shame which can never be washed away...
...anger and rage too afraid to express for fear of total loss of control...
...hopelessness that while fleeting has ability to capsize the whole psyche...
...a sense of defeat with no energy to rebuild the life and mentality I once had.

Life will never be the same.
I will never be the same.

I will be better.

Out of ashes rises the phoenix.

Out of pressure comes the diamond.

Most importantly out of my tattered and broken self arises a new born spirit with the knowledge, wisdom, hard-learned lessons that will guide me for the rest of my life.

just sitting here

Im in carolina ale house drinkin blue moon Chatting with the waitress brittnay from time to time. today is cynthias birthday. life is good and it gets better every moment. today i woke up hung over and dehydrated. i fed winnie in the bedroom while i looked out the window. no drugs in my system a smile crept across my face. i didnt know where it came from nor did i want to know. i was just happy that despite i was feeling the hangover and all tired and poopy with a lot of things ahead of me for the day and unnessecary drama in the near future, i knew everything would be alright. the meds were out of my system at that point so i knew it came from my soul. god always blesseed me with the optimism of renewed life and second chances everyday. rejoice and revel in the simplistic happiness and joy that come spontaneously and at a fleeting moment. they are the reminders for when the road is rough. a gem to pull out of your memory to carry you through The rough times and on to the next moment whether good or bad.

random

im at my sisters house yet a gain doing something that is healing yet distracting again. i love her and would do anything for her. i dont know what i would do without her in my life. it goes the same for my brother. my pup is looking at me. probably hungry as fcug. me too. but she gotta wait till 2 just like me. probably bored too. thank god she is used to me ignoring her all day. dont want her to be a spoiled dog that thinks she's a human.

adderal

ADD is a symptom of brilliance.

maybe there is something wrong with me. maybe i am weird. maybe im not like everyone else, but who is? maybe what makes me differnt is what makes me thee same.

i dont want to be there but i dont have the answers so what do i di besides follow others guidance? i dont have the answers right now. well i was told Jesus but thats not enough guidance. love. All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is LLOOOOVVVE. love is just a game.

im in a daze and i dont know what to do. i feel like there is something wrong and i am walking through a fog. mentally i cant comprehend life without her and its so deep within my being that i am thinking i am getting through it only to be shown that the road of recovery was actually a dead end. a dead end with bushes with thorns, concertina wire triple strand, a brick wall behind that and concrete barriers too.

the dream

one day i wished there would be a time where me and my mother could be loving and hug each other without feeling weird about it. i wish she would have let me go take her to get her hair done and get her some new shoes. i wish she would have found time for me to take her to a restaurant and chill and chat about stuff. i wanted her barriers down without her trying to force me out of her life. why wont you let me love you? i wish she would have just let me in.

on my way home

Where do we go from here? how do we carry on? i still cant get beyond the question....

First plane home i got to get on it.

i get it now

Sometimes u have to go crazy to figure out how to stay sane. sometimes you have to get drunk in order to figure out how to Stay sober. sometimes someone has to die in order for life to be appreciated. sometimes sleep needs to forgoed in order to appreciate the value of dreams. Sometimes reveling in birth makes one cherish old age. being rich doesnt take away my fears of becoming broke.

Dreams

i had a dream that my dad was chasing me

i had a dream about two skunks

i had a dream about a flood. it was coming to get us along with the mob of people

i had a dream that my close friend and her husband died and i was in charge of her children

i had a dream about me buying a bike

i had a dream that i was running (woke up very tired from that one)

i had a dream that i was conversating with a close friend. cant remember if i actually talked to her or not

i dreamt that my mom was still alive

i dreamt that my brother was bac at the age of four

i dreamt that my sister was following me

i dreamt that i had a new dad.

i dreamt that my dad ws chasing me yet again

i had a dream within my dream that my dad was at the apartment that he didnt want where my mom used to live which was also where my grandma lived. he didnt want to live there so i was taking refuge. i was sleep and dreamt that he said something. well, upon me waking up, he was standing over me talking and the only thing i could do was get the hell out of that place. get away! get away from me! dont you understand? I dont want you near me!

a poem

It may seem as if I am carefree and strong,
Going through life as if nothing is wrong.
But no one has ever seen the real me,
They only know what I let them believe.
Most often my smiles are real and sincere,
Other times they help to hide my secret fears.
I carefully created a clever mask of illusion,
I wear it now to hide my pain and confusion.
So never is a tear seen falling from my eye,
I have learned to hold it all silently inside.
Quite often I want to just let go and weep,
But the pain is very intense and too deep.
I yearn to belong, to be one of the crowds.
To be able to speak of my dreams out loud.
Wanting so very much to be accepted,
Yet fearing the possibility of being rejected.
I need special someone to discern the real me,
And not hold in contempt what they will see.
The weaknesses and flaws I try so hard to hide,
Are all part of the real me I keep hidden inside.

I'm asking for a lot. I am. I lost some very important people in my life recently. Granted, some of those relationships were tumultuous at times, but they were the fibers that were intertwined with my DNA. I would NOT be here but for them. I love my life, my lineage and what I was created to stand for. I don't pretend to know what my purpose is. I just know that I don't know right now.

I lost a lot in a little and I feel like noone but me is supposed to be filling in but I never knew what the answers were in the first place so how should I know. I went to others for wisdom,because I didn't think I possessed it. I guess I did and I do because when something ceases to exist, their energy is not gone forever. It is transfered. I dont want my mom to be dead. it hurts to face that reality. it is just so unbelievable that it hurts. i dont want to face it. i am facing it. it is true. nothing can bring her back. so sudden.

run run run. running running ran. away from facing it. ran into a physical brick wall. can't mentally run anymore so I decided to physically run. Run run running every day. Im about to run into a mental brick wall now because of the physical running. need to vent let it out. i am sad a lot of things have happened including my mothers death. i am not happy that i have to figure out how life is going to be without her. many times i just want to call her and talk. especially now that i have a new job that is very challlenging. what do i do when i want to talk to her? I talk to layla... no cant talk. she only re-spits out what i have told her the days before. not talking to hear anything. just talk to let things out. think them through. i want my mother back. i want my dad to be okay. i dont want my brother mad at me. i want us all to be functioning and rely on each other in a positive way. i want life to be fine. i want a man i want to live somewhere happily. i need to find out what i can do to find the happiness. i am happy now, but dont perceive myself to be happy when i am working towards being happy. some things are just necessary things that have t obe done in order to gt the goals and i need t learn to be happy in those times.

my office mate is on the phone talking talking talking and it bothers me. i just need an unclass to vent somethimes and its difficult to do... i will have to go from one computer to another all day if that what it takes...

chuck

round and round. i was writing. found quotes that matched. Found chuck Palahnuik... loved his quotes. felt he was in my brain. found out he wrote Fight Club. Was just talking about him with my sister... wow.

Change Gon' come

it was easy for me to use and apply the words my grandparents gave me versus my parent and aunt and uncle. we are removed one generation. it is possible that they were too strict, not lovable, or whatever, but throughout the years, the message could not be received. I was blessed with the ability of God to keep going. I think I am young. ans so are my aunt and uncle. they are young and it isnt too late to change. I will not think its too late to change as long as God has me. Now everyone is different and the change can be as radical or subtle as God wants it and it isnt my choice to judge everyone's journey of life. Move along. Nothing to see here!