I missed you!! Yeah, you!

AAAAHHHHHH!! What the fudge!@ It's been soooo long! I just finished my finals at the end of june, i just moved literally 2 days ago, and I'm training for a half-marathon (13 miles) I know it sounds like a lot of miles, but i'm excited and a closet running-lover, even if my body doesnt agree with me half the time.

Thank you, quarter-life, for that comment! I was thinking about how you were doing and thinking about how I miss reading your blog and wondering how you are and all the other blogs I miss reading.

The last few posts I was saying how much I knew I would be busy and overwhelmed with new job, school and eventually moving all in three months and how i couldnt wait until things start to calm down. I honestly can say that it was hectic but I am soooo proud of myself for all the hard work I put in and got out of it. I got 2 As. I am doing a wonderful job at my new... uh, job lol. And I have moved as of this wednesday. Actually Im at my old apartment packing up (and using the internet cuz i gots none at the new pad :( ...)

Well, im supposed to be packing but i got this bottle of yellow tail im tryna polish off cuz VA has that Open Bottle law, and im a law-abiding citizen with a clearance so Im not tryna get in trouble: I don't believe in wasting food, and throwing out wine is alcohol abuse... (I threw out the cork by mistake). Since I don't allow myself to drink one drop of alcohol while I was attending my semester of school, I decide to become an alkie-in-training in between semesters. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Work hard play harder. And yes, quarter-life, school was testing my limits. But I love a challenge, so I'll be taking 3 classes next semester with a projected GPA of 4.0. That's just how I roll. lol!

Its so interesting when I talk to other people about leisure time and what we do on weekends. While im doing school, i have 100% focus on school, cuz I know I can easily easily be distracted. I told that to my work-husband (long story... I may share later) he tells me I have no life [sigh] because I don't go out or I'm always doing homework. Like he knows me... or what I've done in my past!! Before my new job, I could have been a whore, a police officer, the fuggin president of Mgundabi!! but apparently it only takes 2 months and impersonal work-environment conversations to know my life story. psst, he has me figured out!! Everyone at my new job thinks im either an angel or a volcano waiting to explode lol I like that, cuz that means there's some kind of fear, respect, reverence, or caution when people talk to me. (probably not, they probably think i'll bust out in tears if they say something too harsh). I wish somebody would come out their mouth wrong to me... Oh, i take that back. My uncle told me not to say that because then I'm willing it to happen and whatever i say will be. Im getting off the subject.

But my mind and my will is all on school for the next few years.THAT'S the business!!!! I had 7 years to get all that partying out the way. And my future husband/children is a: maybe/maybe-not/maybe-never/Let-go-and-let-God. I would love to have that, and while it is not everything, I am content without it. I have a soul mate, and we email every few months. I try not to let it hurt me that i can't be happy with him, but I celebrate the fact that I can be happy without him. I would love to share that story one day, but I might end up crying bad and short-circuit my spiffy laptop with all the tears. So, this was all over the place. I missed you! I hope you missed me! I will be blogging more often... that is until school starts again in August ha ha! 3 classes, and one is math! so imma need to put in 150% focus!

Crazy Dream

I'm supposed to be doing my homework. In fact, I only have 29 more minutes to wrap up a chapter, but i keep thinking about my dreams. So sad that they're more comforting than the real world.

Sometimes I wish my imagination wasn't so vivid and adaptive so that I wouldn't want to sleep so much, but then I'm greatful because sometimes the conscious world doesn't even give me the emotions i experience in my dreams.

My dreams are so crazy in that I can literally be anybody in the world. I can dream I am the president and I swear, I could tell you his deepest thoughts and fears. two nights ago I dreamt that my sister was neglectful in that she let a situation go from bad to worse. In the end, I wsa some white lady married to a man, and through the mishap of my sis, she allowed a crazy man to kill our only son. He was 4. Although this would be one of the most traumatic moments in my life, just being in the loving comforting arms of my husband, I felt at ease, I knew nothing would go wrong because we had each other and I was protected from any and all. Just to know that he would be by my side throughout it all, made all the pain go away. It was such a theraputic dream. I woke up thinking I WAS married! Crazyness...

And then last night I had a dream that I ws in an apartment building with narrow staircases and some ppl were shooting at each other above and below me. To get out the way of the bullets, I tried to straddle myself between the stairwell (the part you look down, in the middle) Well, I got shot anyway!!

In the stomach. Only one that I knew of at first: two inches down and 3 inches to the right of my belly button. I was medevac'd (medically evacuated) to a surgical unit. Well, i actually was shot 2wice more: 1 inch down and 1 inch to the left of my belly button, and the last one significantly to the right side. It didn't hurt. It didn't bleed. but I touched it, I could see and feel the edges of the wounds as I looked down at my stomach. I was still walking around. The doctor wasnt in any rush and neither was I. It was weird because I was afraid of how long it would take for me to tell my mom if I needed a colostomy bag. The odds weren't on my side because of the amount of times I was shot in the general area: my intestines. I do remember getting very concerned for myself near the end because I didn't want to get an infection. I didn't even get to have surgery. I just woke up.

It was so real and weird!! All day i kept thinking to myself at work: "I got shot in my stomach... I wonder how many people would think I'm insane if I said that or even explained my dream."

Resilience... kind of.

Noone should feel like a prisoner in their own life, but I'm happy that she has her outlet, her art and other creative things to help her hold on to her sanity of working in a loveless career. This is what I don't want to become.

Black Love

because i went anti-valentines, I am forced to go be fair. These pics inspire love to me. Enjoy!

I wanted to put my favorite celebrity couples up, but that's a disaster waiting to happen! Though, it would be interesting to see who would still be a couple by next year's Valentine's day.

In other news... I was going to send a Happy Valentine's Day eCard to someone that is a dear friend to me. But for some reason, the computer kept freezing. So I got about 5 minutes chance to rethink my actions and i realized just how bad that would have looked. It just seemed so innocent in my head. But I'm grateful for that cockblock. Thanks God!!

It could happen.

I was watching the show True Life and a gay guy hit on a straight girl so he could look straight. I just thought about what went through her mind when MTV played this episode and she saw it. I figured I'd just run with it. Enjoy!!

I went out to the club with my girls one weekend. I was feeling really good about Friday night! It was a rough week and everything that could have came up or went wrong, yeah, you guessed it! It happened. My friends and I promised ourselves that we would de-stress and have a great time!

So to celebrate the night, I put on that outfit I bought a couple weekends ago with my lunch money for next month (guilty pleasure, but it was so cute!!) I'm smelling good! I spritzed on some of my favorite perfume "The One" by Dolce. Yummy if I may say so myself!! Got the mani and pedi on Monday, so check that off the list. Just got the Benz (okay, Acura, with the heart of a Benz) washed after work, so I'm good to go! We are ready to cut up!!

We get in the club, of course it's packed, the D.J. is spinning all my favorite songs and I am feeling good. The more I dance, the less I remember about the stress at work. What can make the night even better?? Someone that actually looks decent is trying to holler! Um, no ring on his finger, he's not too tipsy and he doesn't smell like weed! Let's see how the convo is...

I must be putting off some positive vibes cuz he seems to be straight for what it's worth. We exchange numbers after some strained conversation by the bar. Let's face it: nobody really can hear each other that well, but thank goodness for Blackberrys!

So, the rest of my weekend was relaxing! I just cleaned up a bit, took a well-deserved and past due bubble bath, and blogged a little bit. But for some reason, I felt like i was forgetting something. I was talking to my baby cousin about my friday night out; that 17 year old has to live through someone!

As I was giving her blow by blow detail about the catfight that erupted in the bathroom, I then realized what was in the back of my head: the mysterious potential-date I exchanged numbers with! I am not one to call a man first! Call me crazy if you want, but the way I figure, some guys just collect numbers for an ego boost. Plus he asked me for my number so if he's interested like he implied, he'll call. So I put it out of my mind.

About a couple months go by and I am sitting lazily on my couch watching MTV. I am a reality TV junkie by the way! Love it! I've seen almost every episode of the good ones and I'm saving Flavor of Love 15 for my desperate moments lol! I have standards! But not too many! I am actually kind of shocked that I missed an episode of Real Life, you know the reality show that chronicles a certain aspect of young Americans lives. A couple of my favorites are "I Have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" and "I'm Happy to be Fat". Random, I know, but enjoyable none the less.

This episode, "I Live A Double Life", it's good so far. That Anna Nicole Smith impersonator is uncanny! She does look and act like Anna Nicole. Well, I guess that isn't REALLY a big feat lol!! Oh, goodie! Commercial is on, and I have the munchies! Let me go get some ice cream! By the way I've got great news for all you Lactose Intolerant peoples like me. Breyer's makes Lactose-free ice cream! Yay! but it's only in Vanilla. Boo.

So back to the show. As I sit down to satisfy my reality fix I see a guy on the show that looks awfully familiar! He's in his living room with his best friend that happens to be a girl. I have no clue what his secret life is YET, but he sounds gay. Maybe he's secretly a gay porn star! But who is he and why does he look so familiar! he is cute... CUTE! Oh, and he has a beautiful smile! OMG! That smile! That's that dude from the club!!!

He's gay? And his double life is that he acts straight??!! OMG why the fcuk did he ask for my number? Ih, I guess to act like he's not gay around his friends. I cannot believe this! I feel like telling everyone just to embarass him, but he's already on TV... uuugh! I don't even wannna talk to my girl about this, cuz what type of girl gets hit on by the gay guy! Fcuking asshole! It's not even that serious!

THE END

Quarter-life crisis

I just went into my purse and I realized how junky and out of control it is. WOW! It feels like my life! No purpose, no order. How uncanny! So from now on so that I won't trigger any semi-depression spells, I will refer to my life as my purse. Don't get confused if I type: "Wow, where is my purse going right now?" or "My purse is in shambles, I need a purse coach." Or "What is the f@#%#(*&ing meaning of purse!??"

It's just a defense mechanism. I gotta use those psychology classes SOMEHOW, or else how will I get my money's worth? I'm not in a psychology profession, that's for sure! And I won't be anytime soon because I am afraid of living my dream. I feel like settling. A better word is compromise. Help, I'm starting to give up on myself :-(

Before time runs out...

Life is short. Who says this and that happen? We are so restrained and confined to our perception of the future it ends up hindering us more than we know. We see what is there and what is predictable and we factor that into our future with little room for creativity and imagination. Hat about those dreams we had? Those figures come cloudy when we see what we see all day long for as long as we have lived until something life changing like mortality or simple beauty knocks the dust off of our eyelids to let us see the future for what it is: BLANK. A blank canvas. Who says that the tree that is outside your window will be there tomorrow? Who can prove it? Noone but God. Not even you. You are blessed with life to breath tomorrow because God said so. So who has the time to hold themselves back with self-defeating behaviors when you don’t have the time for it. I can’t wait anymore. I have to do. Who knows what will be here. It’s like the dog that was tied up for years. He struggled and struggled to be freed, but ultimately he realized that he was trapped. Well, one day the scientist took off the leash that was tying him down. Guess what! He didn’t run away because he was trapped by his learned mentality that he was stuck. Learned Helplessness. Who says that I have no control over my happiness is A LIE. I am lying to myself if I believe that garbage.

Dream Job

This is probably the last post for today.

I get full of myself sometimes. About my current job at least. Everyone has dreams of what they want to be and do when they grow up. I bet 80-90% of the population ignored those dreams and just took the job that was the most convenient to follow. The path of least resistance.

Well, why do I have to be like that? Not that I'm better than you, but I owe it to myself to be in an occupation that I love to do. Just because you think I have a great job with a good salary and it's what you did, why do you think I should do it? You don't like it either but you're okay with settling because it's easier than pursuing your dreams and other goals.

So, because you were too afraid or not ready to step out of your boundaries, everyone has to follow in those footsteps? I'm different. I'm not happy doing what you do.

I bet you're thinking I should prove you wrong, right? Either that or shut the fuck up, right?

I guess noone is really telling me that it is wrong, just to think it through if I want to do my dream job because it is in an entirely different field of what I am doing now.

To be honest, I don't know exactly what I want to do. I don't think there is even an occupation that exists. Maybe that's where my problem lies: thinking that everyone in this world (especially me) is supposed, no, destined, no, entitled to do what they love and only that.